the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: When Harry Met Sally

Mothers, Food, and Sex

Don’t live in the same apartment with your mother after the age of thirty.  It’s sort of weird.

Don’t accidentally call you mother your wife’s name during dinner.   It’s a bit odd.

Don’t go with your mother to a Jewish Deli and think it would be “fun” to sit at the same table where Sally had her fake orgasm.  It can be embarrassing.

Don’t assume your mother is sleeping in her bedroom during your imaginary passionate tryst with a hostess from the Food Network in your living room.    Don’t ask.

More Angst: A Question for Married Female Bloggers

I’m a crazy guy with marital issues who currently lives with his mother and talks about his penis all the time. You’re an attractive, intelligent married woman with two children. We both blog.

Can we ever really become friends?

Was I “safer” as a male blogger when I was living with Sophia? Should I steer away from commenting on your cleavage in every Flickr photo, even after ten other women did the exact same thing? Should I even try to say hello to you on IM or does it seem like I am on the prowl, especially after I admited to my one night wild online sex email night? Do you think it bothers the Palinode that I am better friends with his wife, the better-looking Schmutzie? If I were travelling in your town, would your family put me up for the night? Would your husband care if he caught us in bed together during the afternoon, even though we were only eating malomars and watching “All My Children” (but in the nude, since it is the best way to watch soaps). Is there a way to be a buddy with you, respecting you wit and intelligence, while at the same time, acknowleging that I am a man and you are a woman, and that I am not your gay sidekick from Sex in the City?

Imaginary IM Conversation:

Me: “.. so anyway, you just click on that WordPress plugin, and that should take care of you blog backups..”

She: “That was so easy. Thanks, Neilochka. You Rawk!”

Me: “Oh, and I saw that new photo of you on Facebook. Wow, your breasts are amazing! Your husband is one lucky man.”

She: “Thanks, I’ll tell Jim you said so. You coming to the BlogHer pajama party on Saturday?”

Me: “Absolutely. I’m already working on the Swedish meatballs for the pot luck.”

She: “Mmmm. All the girls can’t wait to see you. We loved how you felt us all up — one by one — during the night. You have such big… hands! Jim thought that was so funny and… typical of you. Are you going to be doing it again this time?”

Me: “If it is OK with Jim and the other husbands…”

She: “Sure, sure. They love it when we have a good time with you. I mean, we work so hard during the week with the kids. Why shouldn’t we have some fun?”

Me: “Jim’s a great husband.”

She: “He’s the best, and a good provider. And despite whatever problems you have with Sophia, it’s wonderful that she is understanding, too. It really isn’t such a big deal that your female blog friends enjoy giving you oral sex so much. She knows that it isn’t serious — only a form of affection for our “Neilochka.” We consider it more “social media” and “community building.””

Me: “My community is building right now thinking about it… if you know what I mean.”

She: “LOL (spits diet Coke onto monitor) You are so… funny!”

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