Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: the Oscars

Live-Blogging the 1987 Academy Awards

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I was going to live-blog the 2007 Academy Awards telecast, but I noticed that at least two thousand other bloggers were doing the same thing, so in my quest to be different, I will live-blog the 1987 Academy Awards show.

00:24 –Dianne Wiest wins Best Supporting Actress for “Hannah and her Sisters!”  Big surprise.  Ha Ha. And where’s Woody?  I bet any blogger ten bucks that Michael Caine wins Best Supporting Actor.

01:02 — Where’s my money?!  I was right.  Michael Caine redeems himself for Jaws 3!  Is this going to be a Hannah sweep?  And what the HELL was Faye Dunaway wearing?  Bob Mackie again?  You could practically see her nipples!

01:44 — Oh, my god.  Marlee Matlin wins best actress for “Children of a Lesser God.”  I don’t care if she’s deaf.  She’s HOT!  I mean in a way where I can actually visualize her going out with me, unlike Lauren Hutton.

02:10  — That dance number is just plain embarrassing.  I’m embarrassed for the dancers.  I think I even saw Goldie Hawn yawning.

02: 34 — That song from “Top Gun?”  Best song?  How lame is the academy anyway?

02: 55 — Paul Newman is a great actor, but he doesn’t deserve it for “The Color of Money.”  That movie sucked worse than his Ranch Dressing.  And I don’t like Tom Cruise AT ALL.  I think his career is going to fizzle out very soon.  Or he’s going to drop out of show business and join some cult.

03:13 — Is Warren Beatty drunk?  Will he EVER settle down?

03:45 — Jack… Jack… Jack… loved that exchange with Cher!  That was the best part of the show.

03:57 — Chevy Chase is the best host EVER!

04:12 — Yawn.  Please end.  Please end.

04:30 — OK, get ready for “A Room with a View”… to win…  or “Hannah” maybe… “Platoon?!”  “Platoon?!” WTF!   The Academy… always with their “message” film.  How predictable.   No wonder Woody never shows up.

04:32 — This was the most boring Oscars I’ve ever seen.  I hope one day… maybe twenty years from now, when there is a whole new generation of filmmakers, that the Oscars show will actually be interesting…

A Year Ago on Citizen of the MonthDavid Sedaris Ruined My Blog

Carnival of the Mundane 5!

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FIFTH CARNIVAL OF THE MUNDANE — AWARDS CELEBRATION
"The Mundies"

BLOGGED LIVE — FROM HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA
(more specifically, the IHOP on Wilshire Blvd. with free wireless!) 

Announcer:  And now, straight from Hollywood, it’s the Fifth Carnival of the Mundane.   And here are our hosts:  you know him from the website, Citizen of the Month, and you know her as the star of "The Bionic Woman" and numerous commercials — Neil Kramer and Lindsay Wagner!

The ORCHESTRA plays “Hotel California” as Neil and Lindsay enter from behind the curtain.

Neil:  Hello.  Hello.  It’s so exciting to be here with you.  I see so many familiar faces in the audience.  Hey, how are you doing, Jack!   Jack Nicholson, everybody!

Lindsay:  That’s not Jack Nicholson.

Neil:  Yes, it is.  Jack Nicholson, the tax attorney from Sherman Oaks.   Dean Abbott, who runs this carnival, only gives us a very limited budget.  Why do you think we’re stuck with a C-list celebrity like you?  How much are you getting paid anyway?

Lindsay:  Paid?  He promised me that you’d help me set up a Blogger account if I do this.

Neil:  Oh, sure, sure, I will… yeah, right…

Neil winks at the audience.  HUGE LAUGHS.

Lindsay:  The excitement is mounting here in Hollywood.  Who will win the coveted "Most Mundane Post of the Year" award?   Or as we call the award — the Mundy.   And the winner is right here in this envelope.

Lindsay holds up a golden envelope.  Neil grabs it. 

Neil:  I’ll take that.  I don’t want you to accidentally rip it open with your … bionic strength…

HUGE LAUGHS again.

Lindsay:  Who writes this crap?

Neil smiles at the audience.

Neil:  I see a lot of familiar faces out there.

Lindsay:  Yes indeed, Neil.   And everyone looks so beautiful.    Like Modigli.   Mo, your hair looks great.   Was this another one of your $50 haircuts?!

Neil:  Hey, Cherchez La Femme, did you buy those great shoes at Nordstrom?  You just love going shoe shopping!

Lindsay:  And what would a ceremony be without the always fabulous Maria of Naked Knitgirl?  Unfortunately, today she’s only wearing one mitten.  Did you lose the other one?

Maria:  You know it! 

The audience LAUGHS.

Neil:  Hey, I’m doing the jokes here.  I don’t know about you, Lindsay, but I’ve never seen Liz of Everyday Goddess looking so happy.   Is she in love or did she finally get a decent sized bathtub in her apartment?

The audience LAUGHS louder than before.

Lindsay:  While Liz is a local girl, some have come from great distances.  Daisy Mae drove in using the same car she did for her mini-road trip in Indianapolis.

Neil:  La Diabla and her daughter flew in from Israel.  Isn’t her daughter cute?  All day long, she’s been taking photos of the sights.  She’s becoming a real photographer!  Have you taken any photos of the exciting ceremony yet, young lady?

La Diabla’s Daughter:  Yes.  Here’s one I just took a second ago.

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Neil:  Get that photo off there.  Uh… now back to our glamorous ceremony.   Damn kids.
 
Lindsay:  Look, even Lorie from Colla Voce is here.  That’s surprising, especially since she gets too emotional even to watch the Olympics.

Neil:  Kevin Kaygar is here with his wife.  She is so funny when she intentionally mispronounces Spanish words just to bug Kevin.  C’mon, say something for us…

Kevin’s Wife:  Amiogo!

The audience APPLAUDS.

Lindsay:  Of course, this broadcast is being translated into Spanish, as well as 200 other languages around the world.  There is also an official podcast created by Maribeth of Smart Bohemian, which is ironic —  since she insists that she isn’t a podcast person.

Neil:  As you know, this is the Fifth Version of the Carnival of the Mundane, which was started by Dean Abbott of Inspired by a True Story.  Dean now serves as the President of the Mundane Academy.   Ladies and Gentleman, may I introduce you to — Mr. Dean Abbott,

Dean enters to a polite response, but few claps.  No one ever really trusts the "guy" in charge.

Dean:  Thank you, Neil and Lindsay, for that wonderful introduction.  The past few weeks have been a great time for mundane blog posts.    In a short period of time, we have gone through the full range of human emotions.   

We have laughed at human foibles, such as Miriam’s trip to Staples with her husband.  What really happens when a man and woman go to buy a chair from Staples?   Can the marriage survive?

We have pondered love, commitment, and family.  Kim even showed us how much it actually costs to raise her seven — soon to be eight — children.  

We have been inspired, as when Tracy takes her first ever ride on the electric go-cart at Walmart.

At times, a blogger finds the dark side of life.  Backyards across the country were never the same after Nelumbo‘s husband battled a hornet’s nest

We were at the edge of our seats when Fitena had a real-life "fight club" with the ferocious town bully.

Some readers won’t even go near a tuna fish sandwich after reading about Nance‘s son and his fear of the dentist’s aquarium

Bill asks us the probing question, “What is a shit hat?” 

And who is making that mysterious call to  Blundering American

Even the usually fearless Retropolitan faces the heart of darkness when he tries wearing a sleep mask to bed.

And perhaps the most frightening tale of them all — Serena of Radical Flower vsher filing system.

Of course, mundane blog posts can also make us believe in a better future.  Who among us will ever forget Jack‘s heartfelt tribute to San Francisco’s idea of harnessing power from dog doo?

Mundane bloggers, I salute you all!

Dean Abbott exits.  Polite applause.  A few yawns.  Neil and Lindsay Wagner return to the podium.  The crowd goes wild with enthusiasm.

Lindsay:  Tonight’s award… tonight’s… next card, please, thank you.  Tonight’s award ceremony tops off a week of celebration and excitement.  

Neil:  Last night, there was a special dinner for all the Mundane Blogging participants at my messy Hollywood apartment, catered by none other than Wolfgang Puck — well, at least his frozen pizzas (on sale this week at Ralphs Supermarket) and his awful sodium-saddled canned soups.  A good time was had by all.  Let’s watch some of the highlights.

The lights dim as a  large screen comes down.  We see scenes from the party.  There is a lot of drunken behavior.  In the background, Lindsay Wagner and some others are playing a game of Texas Hold-em Strip Poker.

Lindsay:  A who’s who of mundane blogging was there.  My god, was I that drunk?

Neil:  Yes.

HUGE LAUGHS.

Lindsay: During the fun-filled evening,  Mata entertained us all with her rousing stories of mushroom hunting with her family.

Neil:  Josh, everyone’s favorite tech-geek brought some of his new fangled electronic toys with him.   We all listened in disbelief when he told us that he actually got some good customer service from his ISP.

Lindsay:  Nicole got very drunk and started telling stories of the stars — not Hollywood stars, but stars in the sky.

Neil:  Stephanie, frustrated with online dating, was flirting with everyone.  And I mean everybody.

Lindsay:  Momentary Academic had just attended the premiere of a new play, but she had trouble answering the question, "How was it?"

Neil:  Tatyana, always a wonderful guest, brought along some of her famed orchids.

Lindsay:  Cheryl came in late with a bunch of wild lesbians,  having just experienced L-Word night at a Hollywood nightclub.  

Neil:  Not all the guests were as pleasant.  After she learned that I buy my coffee from Starbucks, Marie seemed a little bitter, constantly comparing Starbucks to the Evil Empire in Star Wars.  

Random Yak was upset that I didn’t serve pancakes in honor of International Pancake Day

Marisa of Apartment 2024 stood in my kitchen all night, obsessed over the cutting board, saying it reminded her of her mother’s.  

Pia of Courting Destiny spent way too much time cleaning the computer monitor

Jen of Run Jen Run never could figure out whether or not she was supposed to hug anybody.  Jen – that’s why they invented therapy!  

Muse just left early, saying she "just can’t miss her walking group." 

And Postmodern Sass was the worst.  God help anyone who has to make Sass a simple piece of toast.  She must have it sliced just the right way! 

Luckily, the partying regained its energy when the wild TMW showed up, exciting us all with a behind-the-scenes look at his early morning blogging ritual.

Let’s just say – my place was rockin’!

The screen rolls up.  The audience APPLAUDS.

Lindsay:  And now, the big moment has arrived.    The nominees for "Most Mundane Post of the Year" award are:

The audience goes silent.  The tension is mounting —

Neil:  Claire’s “Question Mark, Jerk.”  —   A daughter ponders whether her straight-laced father actually just said something pornographic.

Lindsay:  Heather’s “Arch Nemesis” – A tear-jerker about how a young woman must say good-bye to an unlikely friend.

Neil:  Chickybabe’s “Mundane Kind of Day” —   The seductive tale of how the look of a handsome stranger can change a mundane day.

Lindsay:  Cruisin’ Mom’sThere Once was a Boy” – A nostalgic tale of first love in the 6th Grade.

Neil:  And Hyperion’s “Flowers in My Attic”  — A man must fight for the right to send flowers to his Valentine.

Lindsay:  And the Mundy goes to –

Neil opens the envelope –

Neil:  Dean Abbott!

Lindsay:  Dean Abbott?  Doesn’t he run this carnival?

Neil:  So?

Lindsay:  This is bull****.  He didn’t even submit anything this week.

Neil:  Keep quiet, bionic mouth.  He told me if I did this, he’d introduce me to some cute female blogger he knows in Santa Monica.

The audience boos.

Lindsay:  Jeez, this award ceremony is a farce.  You give out a phony award, just so you can meet some woman?!

Neil:  Can you think of a better reason?    Pretty mundane, huh?  Which happens to be very appropriate for this carnival.

Lindsay walks off the stage in disgust.

Lindsay:  You just wait until I write about this in my blog!

Neil:  Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!  Hope you enjoyed the Fifth Carnival of the Mudane.   The next installment of the carnival will be on March 17 — hosted by Cheryl at Bread and Bread.   Dean, I’ll call you later to discuss our deal!

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