Dear Michael,

Last night, on Dancing with the Stars, the final dance was a ridiculous group number to the classic song, Rockin’ Robin.   This song has been around forever, and has been released by several different artists, but without a doubt, my favorite version is yours, back from the early days. It captures your youthful energy, years before you became the King of Pop.   You were a star, even as a child.   And what an amazing child you were!   What talent.   I actually remember the days of the Jacksons, and those white spacesuits you would wear in your TV specials.

After “Dancing with the Stars,” I thought about you.   I watched a couple of your old videos on YouTube.   I love the Afro from the seventies! Everyone knew you were a brilliant singer and dancer back then, but no one expected your fame to shoot through the roof in the eighties.   I can’t think of any musical career like yours.   Is there anyone anywhere in the world who has never danced to a song on “Thriller?” (My favorite album is still “Off the Wall”)

I remember once being in Thailand, being driven in a tuk-tuk by a driver playing “Billie Jean” on the radio.

You were a role model to me, a symbol of a what could happen when you are talented.   You took your childhood talent and ran with it, eventually reaching the pinnacle of fame. You were the King of Pop!

And then you just went bonkers.   You seemed miserable.   You became the butt of jokes.   All my life, I was under the illusion that artistic success, fame, and fortune were the goals of life — and this would bring happiness to the one who attains it.   What went wrong with you?   Why were you fooling around with your face so much?   Who cares if you are gay/straight?   Didn’t anyone tell you that your obsession with young boys was unhealthy?   If I can find a good therapist in Los Angeles, couldn’t you?   It should have been as easy for you as… like your own song goes… ABC.

I hope you get your act together.   Maybe one day, you can go on tour again, maybe a couple of weeks in Las Vegas.   It would be a sellout.   I would go, unless it is really really expensive.   If so, I would just watch it on HBO a few months later.

If you don’t want to heal yourself for yourself, do it for me.   It makes me feel sad to think that you’re miserable.   If the King of Pop can’t be happy with everything he has, what hope is there for any of us?!

Hey, everybody!

I just want to tell you all that I'm doing great.  I really feel good about myself.  I'm proud of my accomplishments, I like the way I look, and I take pride in my wonderful qualities.  I feel success at my fingertips and I KNOW it will happen for me.  Yes, I can have it all — LOVE, PASSION, SUCCESS!

Of course, this morning I was a complete mess.  I was miserable.  I was depressed over a multitude of things.  I was about to throw a few Prozacs into my mouth, but I remembered that the last time I took some, it made me penis feel numb –  and that's way too much sacrifice, even for someone when they're depressed.

Then, tonight, Sophia and I ended up going to a seminar about "Success."  It's a long story about how we ended up there, so don't ask.

But I do know now that SUCCESS IS GOOD.  Everyone respects successful people.  We admire them.   We like to be around them.  All the top blogs are written by confident, successful people.  That's because they have VISION.  

Think you're a loser?  Well, you're right.  But you can change things RIGHT NOW by not thinking of yourself as a loser.  Think of yourself as a WINNER.   If you think positive and BELIEVE in yourself, those things you want for yourself WILL HAPPEN.  Do you want a beach house, visualize it!  It will come.  Be like Jim Carrey when he was an unemployed actor.  He wrote a million dollar check out to himself and carried it around as a reminder of what he will BECOME!

So, from now on, I am a changed man.   No more blog posts ranting and raving and complaining like a loser.  No more mocking of myself in a self-deprecating, weak, sissy-boy manner.  If I am going to use humor, it should be at YOUR expense, not my own.  After all, I am the confident and successful one.  You're the one who deserves to be laughed at.  From now on, this is a blog where an employer can come and read it, then say, "Now that is a confident and successful man, one who I want to hire as my vice president of Employee Confidence."

During tonight's success seminar, we were asked to answer these questions:

1)  What is one accomplishment you're proud of?
2)  What is one physical trait you're proud of?
3)  What is one character trait you're proud of?

These questions were not easy for me to answer.   Are my eyes really the BEST part of me?   Is "nice guy" really an interesting character trait?  Are my SAT scores in math my greatest single accomplishment?  

For everything I thought about that I was proud of, I countered with something that "brought me down."  

"What about something good that I wrote?" 

"Oh yeah?  What about losing a writing job with "Sesame Street" after writing an inappropriate sketch with Big Bird?"   

"I guess I'm proud of being an honest person."  

"You're separated from Sophia.  Are you proud of that?"

In fact, answering these tough questions made me so nervous –

Hey, wait a minute, why I am I telling you this?   Why do I want to tell any of you bloggers out there about my insecurities?   Do you ever see Oprah talk about her insecurities?  No, successful people push their insecurities aside.   That is why they are successful.   Others come to them looking to lead THEM out of THEIR insecurities.  

So  –

I just wanted to say that everything is great with me.  I am SUPER HAPPY.  I am super SEXY!  I am confident in my job search.  I see great things for my marriage and love life.   I have so much POSITIVE ENERGY, it's practically shooting out of my ears.

Aw, fuck — who am I fooling?  I'm going to take a Prozac and go to bed.

Neil's Penis:  "Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!"

Women, you’re Not a Failure if You’re Not in a Relationship

(terrific post by Stephanie Klein)

"It’s amazing how we think of ourselves as failures because something doesn’t work out.  Yes, we see it as a learning experience.  We see it as "for the best," but really, deep down, we worry that we’re failing at this.  At being with another person.  At making it work.  Instead of realizing, maybe it just wasn’t the right person.  No, screw maybe.  You’re not a failure when a relationship ends.  The same way you’re not a success when one begins.  Too many women are beginning to measure their worth on the merits of their relationship.  "But I was the only woman in that room without a ring on my finger, and it just…"  NO.  Stop that.  I’ve been her, too.  I’ve been in and out of "us," the kind of "us" with a ring.  It didn’t make me more of anything.  And it didn’t make me less once I was alone.  You’re failing yourself when you measure you that way.  Instead, value yourself on the strength of your female friendships, on the wise old women you can turn to for guidance.  On your ability to make people laugh, or think, or know that you’ll always be there for them.  Even when they feel like the failure."

Men, you are a Failure if You Show Any Fear

Self-Confidence — How to Develope the Self-Confidence You Need to Succeed in as Few as 31 Short Days!

"We should not apologize to ourselves. A sense of the dignity of life, and the sovereignty of the soul, should keep us strong and positive. We should be too big for the little habit of excuse-making. Self-depreciation never won a single battle of life. It has, on the contrary, killed ambition, weakened the will, and incapacitated thousands of men for noble work. Apology is weakness on parade. Avoid it. Observe some man who comes toward you, walking with short, jerky steps, his dress careless, the corners of his mouth turned down, keeping well to one side of the walk. As he passes, he gives you a hasty, frightened glance, which tells you unmistakably of despair, discouragement, and failure. The man’s whole life probably has been negative in its character and outlook. The daily, and perhaps hourly, streams of false suggestions poured into his mind have at last overwhelmed him and his life closes in an eclipse.

Many a man tormented by fear and timidity does not realize what a flood of negative thoughts daily affects him. He hedges himself in with suggestions of limitation, incapacity, and unworthiness. He constantly thinks not of how he will succeed, but of how he will surely fail. When Washington Irving was asked to preside at a public dinner to Charles Dickens, upon his visit to America, he hesitated and said he would surely fail. It was pointed out to him that he was really the man properly to direct that high function, and at last was prevailed upon to accept. But to many friends he repeated his fear that he would fail. The night came, and before a brilliant gathering Irving arose to speak. He made an excellent beginning, but suddenly stopped and brought his remarks to a close. As he sat down, he whispered to a friend on his left, "There, I told you I would fail, and I did!""

Women, you Can Be Successful as a Stay-at-Home Mom:

Our Life:  Feeling Successful as a SAHM

"It’s taken a long time but I’ve finally realized that my achievements are extraordinary every single day. It is this recognition that I have given myself that doesn’t just make me able to mop another floor, wipe another nose, scrub another toilet, prepare a meal and not really expect a whole lot in return and be able to do it without grumbling and complaining, but to actually do these things with joy. I can wash the same clothes every other day, shop for the same groceries, run kids to the same practices and lessons each week, and know that I’m successful, because I know if I wasn’t doing those things that may at times seem unappreciated, that my family members lives would not be as pleasant or enjoyable as they are. In the same way that a nurse, or a doctor takes care of yet another patient (Hopefully because it makes them feel good) or a marketing person comes up with yet another witty ad, or a lawyer closes yet another real estate deal and feels successful for it when they have been acknowledged momentarily with a monetary or sometimes even maybe more satisyingly with a personal compliment or thank you, I can feel successful when I have found a knew way to deal with my children’s arguments or created a new meal that "almost" everyone liked, or knitted a new baby blanket for the newest baby coming, or delivered a meal to a neighbour or freind in need, or spent some time doing one of my favorite things, writing because it brings me joy. If we go about these things with a positive happy attitude, not expecting anything more then the realization that we are raising a happy, loving family then that can be a reward in itself and we will truly enjoy it."

Men, you are  Committing Career Suicide as a Stay-at-Home Dad:

from the Wall Street Journal

"When Steven Greenfield, a 40-year-old software-development administrator in San Jose, Calif., started looking for work early last year, he found he had some explaining to do. Managers kept quizzing him about his decision to stay home the prior four years to raise his three young daughters.

One interviewer asked him if he was gay or "just weird, since ’stay-at-home dad’ isn’t something a man is willing to admit to," he was told. A second interviewer accused him of failing to keep current with technology because "raising kids was too time-consuming," although the interviewer never bothered to ask Mr. Greenfield about any of his specific technological abilities.

A third, informed of Mr. Greenfield’s stay-at-home status, simply seemed at a loss for words. The interview wandered off track, and ended quickly."