It was about a year ago that I told the lie. A food blogger, most probably Delicious or Smitten, had written a post about an interesting dish she had made.

I wrote a comment saying that “I should try to make this dish.”

The blogger wrote back, asking, “Neil, you cook?”

I replied, “Of course.”

Now, I’m not stupid. I know that women love men who can cook, even more than men who are funny. So when a pretty food blogger asks if you can cook, you say, “Of course.”

Of course, I was lying. I’m not much of a cook. I can make a decent salad, a mushroom omellette, a tuna fish salad, and spaghetti and meatballs. That’s about it.

With Sophia in surgery mode, it has been on my shoulders to produce dinner lately — which means take-out. Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Lebanese, Italian. Frankly, it’s getting expensive. A large hot and sour soup + one chicken and broccoli = at least fifteen dollars.

That’s why, I’ve decided to do a little cooking next week. Sophia’s next second surgery is tomorrow, and she’ll probably be out of it for a few days. Wouldn’t it be nice for her to have some home-cooked meals?

This is where YOU come in. I need a few SIMPLE recipes. Remember, Sophia is not a Campbell’s Soup type of gal. The meals have to be simple enough for a moron to cook, but still tasty for a picky eater. Think of this as a public service for men who can’t cook.

And thank you, Whoorl and Marisa from Apartment 2024, who have already given me suggestions on Twitter. (Whoorl: The All-New Ultimate Southern Living Cookbook (is she nuts?)) (Marisa at Apartment 2024: Her terrific ForkYou.TV!)

Mommybloggers, I need you. If anyone knows how to whip up a simple meal, it is you. Now, I know a few of you are still upset at me for insulting you on this blog, mocking you, and drawing Stalin-era mustaches on the photos of your precious children. But let us now make peace. Tell me your secret — for how long do you cook rice?

And please. No macaroni and cheese. She won’t eat it.

And nothing with bacon.

And Delicious/Smitten/whoever it was — I’m sorry I lied.

One more question, before I do this cooking gig, do you think I should ask Sophia if she WANTS me to do this?

The finalists of the 2007 Weblog Awards (the Bloggies) were announced last week.    As you may have noticed, I haven’t mentioned this until today.  My reason has nothing to do with the fact that Citizen of the Month was not a finalist in anything, not even “The Best Blog Written by a Jewish Man Living in Redondo Beach,” which was beaten out by “The Surfing Orthodox Rabbi of Redondo Beach.”  I was glad to see that Dooce was a finalist in FIVE (!) categories, including, “The Best Blog that Neil Kramer will Complain About When he Goes into Therapy.”

Several of my pseudo-fake friends are finalists  — like the beautiful Laurie of Crazy Aunt Purl, the glamorous Deb of Smitten Kitchen, the fashionable Elisabeth of La Coquette, and the stunning Jay of Kill the Goat, none of who I’ve actually met.  Their blogs are so popular already, and since I’m passive-aggressive, I’m not even going to bother to link to them.   Suckers!

Instead, I’ll link to the graceful Tamarika, my blog crush of the day, who paid money to go on a date with me.  Also, let’s be honest, since she is not a Bloogie finalist, she is much more likely to “make out” with me in the backseat of my Hyundai than the four other “bigshots.”