Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: Literary

April Fool’s Day Prank

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Psst… hey.  It’s Neil’s Penis here.  Neil is asleep so I have to whisper.  

Saturday is my favorite holiday —  April Fool’s Day.  And I’m thinking of playing a little trick on Neil, right here on this blog.  Are you game?

I love April Fool’s Day.  Maybe its because I’ve always considered myself a bit of a jokester.  There’s nothing funnier than playing a little gag on Neil.  Sometimes, I pop up at the most inopportune times — just to bug and embarrass him.  I remember once rising into action during a pitch meeting with an important female executive who wasn’t wearing a bra.  I don’t ever remember laughing so hard in my life.

You might think me cruel, but actually, there’s a long literary tradition of the "Fool."  Was it not the Fool who was wiser than King Lear?

Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest.

You’re surprised I know that?   You think just because I’m a cock that I’m not well-read?  Who the fuck you think writes all of Neil’s smart posts?  Without me, he’s a drooling idiot who writes cheap gags about Zelnorm! 

Most women think the Penis is the dumb one. 

"He’s thinking with the head down there, not the head up there"  is the typical cliched statement by a woman. 

But, in reality, I’m the real "brains" behind the person you call Neilochka.

In fact,  just this morning I was telling Neil how he could increase his female readership:

Penis:  "Write this down, Neil.  Here are the three posts you need to write over and over again to win over the female audience.  More stuff about how you appreciate a strong and intelligent woman.  More stuff about how you love little animals, particularly cats.   And more stuff about how your greatest joy in life is eating a woman’s pussy."

Neil:  "But none of that is…"

Penis:  "Just say it, you moron.  (looking towards heaven)  God, why were you so cruel to hang a penis like me on an idiot like him?"

All in all, I guess Neil is OK, even if he is a little simple-minded.  But that’s why I love playing gags on him. 

So, here’s my April Fool’s joke:

It seems that there’s one thing that Neil really hates about the blogging world — the way it’s been taken over by those only interested in self-promotion or marketing.  Neil thinks "real" blogs should be about mundane things — like what you had for lunch yesterday or why your ex-boyfriend is a jerk.  

A few months ago, Neil got fed up with all these so-called bloggers that he decided not to call his blog a blog anymore:

"From now on, I will think of "Citizen of the Month" as a "Shpritz."

shpritz:  a short spray of seltzer from a seltzer bottle

Every day, I will write a daily Shpritz.

And like a shpritz from a bottle, a literary shpritz will spray you in the face to get your attention, but it will never, ever stain your clothes.

Good-bye, blog.  Hello, Shpritz."

Neil is always slow to change.  Not only isn’t he on MySpace, like I am, but he doesn’t even own an iPod!  He is what they used to call "a traditionalist."  He thinks blogging should be about expression, not self-promotion.  This doesn’t really surprise me.  Neil is old-fashioned in everything.   For god’s sake, he thinks fucking with "the woman on top" is "getting kinky!"

So, here’s my idea.  Neil has a cold and isn’t going to read his blog again until Saturday; nor is Sophia because the schmuck got her sick too.  I suggest that that we totally hijack this post and comments and fill it with the things he hates the most — self-promotion and marketing. 

Yes, it’s the First Annual April Fool’s Day "Promote Yourself on Neil’s Blog and Annoy the Hell Out of Him."

Do you have a book that’s coming out?  Email me about it.  Or write something about it in the comments.

Do you want people to listen to your songs on MySpace?  Write about it. 

Do you have an online store selling jewelry?  Tell us about it!

Are you looking for a new job?  Promote yourself!

Do you think you would make a great wife?  Tell the men of America what your qualifications are! 

Do you run a sexoholic’s group and are looking for members?  Feel free to spread the word!

Is your son playing a tree in his third grade production of "Oliver!?"  Do you think one of your blog posts is good enough to be in the New Yorker?  Have you invented a new toilet seat?

Promote the hell out of your writing group, your play reading, your up-and-coming clothing line, your breast enlargements, your husband’s new law offices — anything!

Personally, I can’t wait to see Neil’s face on Saturday when he sees that his blog has been hijacked by his own penis! 

Ready for some promotional stuff?  I’ll get the ball rolling by bringing up Pauly D’s new book.

Blogger and comic genius Paul Davidson’s "The Lost Blogs" comes out May 8, 2006.  It sounds like a real winner — a humorous collection of lost "blogs" written by such famous historical figures as Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, and Gandhi.   Fellow blogger Kevin Apgar has set up a "Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign" for the book, and you can participate in the fun during the week of April 10-April 14 by writing your blog posts as your historical figure of choice!

Am I actually going to read Pauly’s book?  No fucking way.  I much prefer reading Shakespeare than nonsense like that.  But I’m gonna promote it anyway — just to ANNOY NEIL. 

April Fools, Neilochka!

My Brilliant Literary Career

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Last week, Sophia was all upset about the James Frey story and his fraudulent memoir, "A Million Little Pieces." Well, actually, she was more upset at me. 

"It’s pretty clear that the book got sold because they thought he was an alcoholic and drug abuser."

"So?"

"So, you have no grit in your life.  You don’t even like beer."

"I like Merlot."

"No one wants to buy a memoir from someone who drinks Merlot.  You’re like that depressing guy from Sideways."

"I’ve smoked pot."

"When was the last time you smoked pot?"

"When I was 14.  But I didn’t really inhale."

"Jeez, you’re so vanilla.  Did you know I once went out with someone who liked to be spanked."

"Weirdo."

"He was a college professor."

"Why would anyone want to be spanked?  All my life, I’ve been proud that my mother never once had to spank me when I was a kid.  What would I tell her now?  Sorry, Mom, now I get spanked all the time."

"Hopeless."

So much for anyone ever buying my boring memoirs. 

But what about fiction? 

Well, today, there was another nail in the coffin for my non-existent writing career.

"Did you read Gawker today?" asked Sophia.

"No."

"Have you heard of Opinionista?"

"No."

"Well, it’s a blog written by an anonymous blogger, and it’s all about the inside stuff going on at her law firm."

"So?"

"So, she just revealed herself as Melissa Lafsky!"

"Do we know her?"

"No, but read this."

Sophia handed me "The New York Observer."  There was another article about this woman:

In recent months, Ms. Lafsky has been fluffing the pillows for her landing, a sort of “soft opening” phase for her product launch. Profiled but not named in The New York Times in November, she posed so that her face was obscured; in this month’s The American Lawyer, she hinted that her identity would soon be revealed; and her blog plugged an interview with The Observer minutes after the interview was complete.
 
Of course, prior to this week’s non-spontaneous self-disclosure, Ms. Lafsky had already procured herself an agent—ICM’s blog-adoring Kate Lee —and worked up 100 pages of a manuscript loosely based on her life as a lawyer-blogger. (“It’s not a roman à clef,” she said. “It’s not The Devil Wears Brooks Brothers!”)

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(Talented, Beautiful, and can Blog without looking at the monitor)
(photo by Melanie Flood)

I wasn’t sure what Sophia wanted me to make of all this.

"Good for her," I said.   "Or is this another one of those "I hate Stephanie Klein – type stories?"

"Don’t you get it," Sophia replied,  "There have been a number of anonymous bloggers that have gotten a lot of buzz by creating a mystery about who they are… and then they make a big reveal.  Do you see where this is going?"

"No."

"Only a really dumb blogger starts using his real name right from the beginning.  Like Neil Kramer.  You should have just been "Citizen of the Month" and then had a big reveal."

"Too late now."

"There’s nothing new for you to reveal.  Nothing buzz-worthy."

"I don’t know.  We can say I’m gay."

"Hmm…not bad.  We’re already separated.  We can say we got separated because you decided you were gay. 

"Good… good.. just how long do I have to be gay for?"

"Until you sell a book."

Jeez, that could be a long time."

"Well, you’ve always had a problem with procrastination.  Finally, we found a way to keep you focused.   No sex with a woman until you write a book."

"I’m not too sure about this idea." 

"Too much like a bad sitcom episode?"

"What if I’m gay, but you decide to transform me back to being straight again."

"Yeah, then I can write a book instead of you! — "The Gay Blogger and How I Made Him Straight Again.""

"Would I have to go around the rest of my life being known as "The Man Formerly Known as The Gay Blogger?"

Note:  After Melissa Lafsky signed with ICM agent Kate Lee and resigned from her law firm, she posed in a nightgown for a spread on female bloggers for a future issue of Fashion Week Daily.

Luckily, I’m all ready for my fashion shoot with my new Texas hold’em pajamas

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