the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: Life in General (Page 3 of 46)

Waiting and Acting

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In therapy this week, I felt something deep,like a voice from childhood.  Someone telling me to wait.   Study and prepare.   Or risk the humiliation.   And all of a sudden I wasn’t there for humorous fodder for Facebook but because I needed it.   Two years since my divorce, my going to New Zealand, and my coming back to New York, and I’m still in retreat, waiting, studying and preparing.

I put on some 70s funk music on  Spotify.   And the music tells me, in this funkiest way possible, that there is no humiliation in acting. There is no humiliation.  There is no humiliation.   Acting only brings joy to the world, not only for you, but for everyone else.   You’re not here on Earth to think.  You’re here to act.

I need to act.  Don’t think.  Just act.  Start small.

 

Fear

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In all my years of blogging, I have never written anything with the aim of inspiring you. It’s not my style.  I’m not a teacher or an advocate.  I don’t consider myself inspirational.

But that changes today.

The night started with my own search for inspiration. I’ve been feeling scared lately, fearful, unable to take steps that could improve my life.   I searched online for advice. Through Google, I found all sorts of gurus, wannabe gurus, psychologists, happiness experts, and thought leaders who were eager to help me.  These articles were written by two categories of authors — those who never faced fear, and those who learned to overcome it.   Whether written as  longform or Buzzfeed listicle, on an academic website or online women’s magazine, the advice was always remarkable similar, pretty much expanding on Nike’s advertising copy of  “Just Do It.”

“You can’t succeed without failure.

You will never know until you try.

Change your way of thinking.

Fight the fear and do it anyway.

Twelve Ways Successful Entrepreneurs Win at Business.

Get the Love You Deserve By Risking it All.”

All night I read articles that felt cold against my skin, clichés tossed at me to sell e-books or writers promoting themselves. I was not inspired by someone who once feared air travel and now jumps out of an airplane every day at lunch.  What if you’re still finding it hard to call up American Airlines to change a flight?

These articles just made me feel inept.

“Just do it,” they said.   That sells stuff.

“Fuck you.  I can’t do it yet,” I answered.   That will never sell anything.

So, I am here to talk to those who fear change, risk, or rejection. I cannot tell you to fight that fear, because I have not done so myself. I give you no tips on how to overcome obstacles because I frequently falter.

My only inspirational message is this — if you fear something, you should feel it. That’s it. Save fighting it for another day.  Just feel the fear.  And know that others feel it too.  That’s my inspirational message.  It’s the only way I can help you.

That is what I was searching for tonight. And since I could not find that inspirational article on any website, I wrote it myself.

#Microblog Mondays 1 — Trying it Out

Microblog_Mondays

I’m terrible at joining communities online, unless I start them myself.  (Ha ha, what does that say about me?)

But Melissa of Stirrup Queens always has new ideas to build community, and this one had special appeal to me.  The idea of #Microblog Mondays is to post something once a week on our blogs that we would normally do on social media.  And theoretically this will inspire us to all come back to blogging.   Melissa’s idea is so idealistic, crazy, and ultimately hopeless, that I just knew I had to join up.

Take anything you would have thrown up on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram and place it on your blog.  A passing thought.  What you did over the weekend.  What you’re looking forward to during the week.  What you’re worried about.  The strangest thing you observed on your way to work.  The funny thing your kid said.  A great picture you took during a hike.  A funny picture you forgot about until you found it while looking for something else.

You can read more at her blog.

OK, here’s my one paragraph post that I would normally put on Facebook.  Be glad that I am not boring you with it over there.

While I enjoy writing these Fictional Characters of New York that are flooding my blog lately, I am fully aware that I am hiding behind them. It’s as if I don’t know how to write a blog anymore.  A personal blog is not a memoir. And I don’t want to create some sort of two-dimensional character that is a stand-in for the authentic self. I just don’t feel safe being myself with you, because I don’t know who you are.

We Are the Camera

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photo courtesy of Wikipedia

When I was growing up in Queens, people were afraid of walking the streets at night, fearful of “muggings.”  It became a cliche to hear about an elderly neighbor pushed onto the ground to have her purse stolen, or some old man held up by gun point.  If you see old movies from the 1970s-1980s, you will see these events as a frequent story plot.

Crime continues today, especially violent crime, but how often do you hear about muggings in the street? Very rarely.  Do we have a new respect for the weak and elderly? Has police enforcement become more efficient?

I think the most obvious answer has nothing to do with any of these things, but technology — the growth of the credit card since the 1990s.

The desperate know that the average citizen walks around the city with paltry amounts of cash in their pockets; instead, we have a multitude of credit cards.   Credit card fraud is a whole lot more complex and time-consuming that stealing $100 from an old lady.  In 2014,  you are more likely to have your iPhone stolen in the subway than your wallet.   And as technology better protects our phones, that will become less frequent as well.

Technology. We hate how invasive it has become, but we love it anyway, especially when it serves our needs.

We all have seen the outcries on social media about Facebook Messenger and how it spies on our data.   But welcome to 2014.  Technology continues to change how we live our lives.

Much has been said about the growth of citizen journalism. During the marches and police activity in Ferguson last night, it was ordinary citizens who presented the images and videos to the world via their cellphones, not the mainstream media.  For everyone who has ever complained about the ubiquity of selfies online or me taking street photos of women crossing Fifth Avenue, we now see the positive power of amateur photography. We have become the media.

Yes, we have become the directors of our movies, but it also means knowing we are the subjects of the films of others.  Look at London.  There are video cameras on every corner.   Does it reduce crime?   Yes.   But at what cost?   We appear as character actors on camera seen picking our noses as we walk the street.

Because of our distrust of our own police forces, there are some cities that now require police officers to wear video cameras while on duty.   This will force them to not abuse their power.   I think we can all see the future. In fact, we already have it — in Google Glass.

Once we all become walking and talking video cameras, forcing transparency on what used to be done in dark corners, the world will completely change. Crime will drop, as will police abuse.  Sexual harassment will disappear because we will always be on camera in our offices.  Productivity will rise because we will have no choice.   Cameras will be required  to be ON during interviews and important board meetings.  No one will trust parent-teacher conferences that are not recorded, used as protection against lawsuits.

There will be so much good coming from this world where “We Are the Camera.”   People will act better because Big Brother will be watching.   But our urge to control the world will also control us.  Google Glass type devices can be our own personal video security system, making us feel safe as we walk home from the subway at night, but it will also destroy our careers when we are recorded telling that dirty joke while drunk.

“1984” is here, for good and bad, creating a more equitable, safe, but invasive and angry world where we watch each other, controlling each other’s every step. The amateur videos from St. Louis. The “selfies” from BlogHer. Google Glass. Policemen required to wear video cameras. And, of course, running it all from behind the scenes – Facebook Messenger.

Singing Cabaret

I’m not big on crowds.  My experiences with conferences tend to revolve around hanging with one or two people who I strongly connect with for one reason or another.   This year, at BlogHer, that person was JC, the Animated Woman.  Besides driving with her to San Jose from Los Angeles, we did a little sightseeing in LA after the conference, including a visit to this weird Hollywood store filled with old Hollywood props.  Last night, I made this appropriately weird little slideshow movie for her to watch on her flight back to Montreal.

The Joy of Being Hated

mural

I knew this day would come. I’ve been dreading it all my life.

Not that I wasn’t prepared. From childhood, I readied the weaponry and armor. I built a protective and sturdy fort as high as a mountain. I became a soldier always on guard, and for decades, I kept the danger at a distance. But in my heart, I knew the door would one day break down, or like a river rapid racing to the precipice of the Great Falls, I would fall, helpless to the current.

Today, despite all my efforts to be as likable as possible, I discovered that someone didn’t like me.  How could this happen?   Every action and response was always so carefully balanced on the scale with my need to be liked.

Who cannot like me?

“Brian doesn’t like you.” said Roger on the phone.

“What?!”

“I think it’s better we go to the game without him.”

“How can he not like me?  I mean, I don’t really like him that much. But why would he not like me?”

“I don’t know. He told me once that he didn’t like you.”

“Then we should bring him to game, so I can have a chance to talk to him and win him over again.”

“There’s no again. He never liked you.”

“Never?  But he only met me twice!”

“And he didn’t like you the first time.”

“What if I called him and asked him out for a beer…”

“Give it up, Neil. I didn’t want to tell you this.  I know you are sensitive. But he didn’t just say he doesn’t like you.  He said he HATES you!”

“He HATES ME?!”

So, that’s how it ends.

hate - verb

feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone).

synonyms: loathe, detest, despise, dislike, abhor

I’m sure somewhere in my past, others have HATED me.   I’m sure some of  you hate me.   But this is the first time that I have found an eyewitness with legitimate PROOF that another human being on this planet… despises me.  It would even stand in court.

“Guilty as charged. Brian hates your guts.” the judge would say as he slammed the gavel, after hearing all the evidence.

Some people don’t believe in Bigfoot until they see him with their own eyes. I have now seen Bigfoot. I KNOW that someone hates me.

After the initial shock to the system, I took a walk, heading out to Dunkin’ Donuts for a cup of coffee. It was a beautiful, sunny day in New York City. An ice cream truck passed by, chiming away. I expected myself to be depressed, anxious, or even sobbing over the news of being a hated man.   Instead, I found myself walking briskly, almost with a rock and roll swagger, as if a burden had been lifted off my shoulders.

“Someone doesn’t like me,” I said to myself. “Worse. Someone hates me. Someone really hates me!”

I was like the anti-Sally Field, energized by this news of hate. I felt emboldened, empowered.

Why did Brian hate me? I don’t know.   Perhaps I will never know.   But he wasn’t bored with me, or didn’t remember my name.  No, he HATED ME!  Clearly,  I had made a strong impact on him, even if was complete revulsion.  I was SOMEBODY!

When I entered Dunkin Donuts, I  ordered my usual small coffee and plain donut.

“No, wait!” I yelled at cashier, a high school girl. “I’ll have a large coffee with a jelly donut. And I want REAL milk, none of that creamer!”

Sure, my special request could have pissed her off   She might even dislike me for being pushy. But then again,  I already know someone who HATES ME.  What’s the big deal having one more?  Bring it on!

The Kindergarten Show

Last week, there was a story in the news about a kindergarten principal in Long Island who send a letter to parents telling them that they were ending the annual kindergarten show, a tradition that had been going on since the parents themselves were children at the school.

Kindergarten-1via The Washington Post

The reason, as outlined in the letter, was that the demands of 2014 required educators to prepare today’s students to succeed in a competitive business world dominated by math and science.

Yes, this was a letter to parents of children in kindergarten.

Yes, it was about the annual kindergarten show, one of the most beloved events of school.

The item went viral, and the principal was mocked, a symbol of an educational system run by lunatics.

To be fair, a few parents agreed with the principal, thinking that school today is for college preparation, career readiness, and individual achievement. How can you grade or test a child participating in the show, unless it is a competition? And if you can’t grade them, what is the point?

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Last night, I was in a performance of Listen to Your Mother NYC.

“Listen To Your Mother” is part of a 24-city series of live readings in honor of Mother’s Day. This New York City production features prominent local writers and performers telling their own tales of motherhood in all of its complexity, diversity, and humor.

I was especially honored to be involved since I was the only male in the group, reading a piece about my mother, who was in attendance at the show.

After the show, I was talking with the other cast members about the experience. Most felt empowered, either connecting to the concept of motherhood or the oral tradition of storytelling.

I thought about that news story about the kindergarten class in Long Island.

You see, I don’t snub my nose at the kindergarten show, or see it as inferior to a math class.   And themed literary readings are theater, and theater is the adult version of the kindergarten show.

Even Shakespeare knew that.   And that’s nothing to look down on.

From the minute I auditioned for Listen to Your Mother, I viewed it less as a literary event, than a theatrical one, like one of those MGM movies where someone shouts, “Let’s Put On a Show.” My story was important to the production, but no more than any of the others stories, whether sad, touching, or funny, read by anyone else at the performance.

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If one piece was bad, it would make all of us look bad. It was to our common benefit to help each other, to give advice on diction, joke writing, using the microphone, and how to sit in a chair for an hour without fidgeting. I knew that I was picked to be in the show for some specific reason, and that those who auditioned and didn’t make the show were just as good, perhaps even more polished.

So my comparison of LTYM to the kindergarten show isn’t to dismiss it’s importance, but to say how much I enjoyed and savored every moment of it. I loved that our individual ambitions took a back seat to a common theatrical event — the way it’s supposed to work. Working with others is a skill as necessary to the modern world as being an “influencer.”

This “Let’s Put On a Show,” was very much alive in my early years of blogging. But at some point, we were told, “No more kindergarten shows. From now on, it’s all math and science. So out went all the badges and blogrolls, and in came the data and demographics. The social manifesto of “Is Blogging a Radical Act?” became “How much does it cost to buy more Twitter followers?” We started to believe in an online Darwinian world where only those who brand themselves as unique, or differentiate themselves from the pack, deserved to survive.

I was desperately missing the kindergarten show, a place where everyone had a role, and collaboration was necessary.   That was my main takeaway from Listen to Your Mother. I already have a blog, so I did not need this showcase as outlet for my voice. What I learned was the importance of putting on a show, of rooting for the success of another because her success means your success..

We should never cancel the kindergarten show, no matter how old we get. It would be a sad world when we only respect math, science, and how many hits we get on our own blog posts.

Thank you to LTYM-NYC – the wonderful cast members, directors, and producers — and especially Ann Imig, who started it all.   I know she has a theater background, so she will understand what I am saying in this post.

The Story of the Birthday Selfie

me

This morning, someone asked me how I took this “birthday” photo of myself that I posted on Facebook — not the baby one, but the one where I am on my bed, stretched out like a sexy male model in some underwear ad.

Here’s the story:

I woke up with the idea of taking a photo of myself “in my birthday suit,” in honor of my upcoming birthday. But how to do it? My arm is just not long enough to capture myself in full glory. But like they say, “necessity is the mother of invention.”

I found a roll of scotch tape and used it to tape my iPhone to the ceiling. I then set up a photo app on my phone to take a photo every ten seconds, giving me a chance to pose in various positions while I faked sleeping (forgetting – of course – to take off my glasses).

I let the photo shoot begin. I felt a sense of pride. I had moved from photographer to subject. It was my moment to shine in the ultimate selfie! I moved to the right, to the left, smiling, scowling, putting my arm up, putting my arm down, waiting for the next click of the phone. This was going to turn out great!  I was going to turn myself into an object of desire!

But, suddenly I heard a crunchy, tearing sound, a tone of danger. My eyes were closed, faking sleep, and when I opened them, I saw the clear imminent threat. It was my iPhone. The weight of the phone had loosened the scotch tape, and my trusty iPhone 4S had broken from it’s sticky prison, and it was heading straight towards my head, flying through the air like the H-bomb. I jolted to my right, and the iphone passed by my ear, the case whipping by the tips of my graying hair. If I had been a second slower, the iPhone would have slammed into my glasses, possibly cracking my lens, or worse — making me go blind in one eye.

But I survived. I had escaped from what could have been a tragedy. I would have had to post a birthday selfie of me wearing a black eye patch with cracked eyeglasses, like a nerdy Jewish pirate.

Which brings me to my birthday, and what lessons I learned from this experience. We all take chances in life. We make art. We do stupid things. We risk danger by taking selfies. But as long as a person embraces his goals, his dreams, no matter how ridiculous they may be, and is able to survive with minimum physical harm, he is leading a good life.

Am I Enough?

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I don’t think I’m enough. You don’t think I’m enough. But you constantly say that I am enough.  Enough for what? Sure, I can photoshop myself into that Ellen’s selfie from the Oscars, but does that make me enough. 99% of us will never win an Oscar. Meryl Streep will never follow us on Twitter. How can we be enough?

oscars

But I’ll try it on for size. I am enough. Right now. I am worthy. It’s not going to change anyone’s opinion of me. So why bother?

I am enough. Will it change me? My own perception of who I am? Don’t I first have to accomplish something great to feel worthy? And what does feeling worthy change in me? That I deserve things like love, happiness, and non-fat milk in my coffee at McDonald’s? That I am as worthy as President Obama? Am I? If the ship was sinking and only one of us could escape in the lifeboat, do you want me to survive or President Obama?

I am enough. I am enough. Vulnerability. Authenticity. I don’t know what any of this means. Is it only talk for women about their body image?

enough?

I am enough. I know some of you are mocking this post. Because I am too. Even though I am being serious. Authentic. Even though no one really respects authentic.  No one wants vulnerable.

Categories of Writing Themes

blank slate

Today’s post is very short, but an important one to me, because it focuses in on something very unsettling about my writing style, and how my mind works when I face the blank page.

Most successful writing on the internet falls into two categories:

1) How I Can Teach You how to Live Better Based on What I Have Learned About Life.

Example: 40 Odd Things I’ve Learned in 40 Odd Years.

2) Friends, This is Why Those Who Disagree With Us Are Bad.

Example: How a Generation was Captured by Thrashing Hysteria

When I sit down to write a post, an action I intend to do every day for the entire month of March, the two categories of writing themes that immediately come to MY mind are —

1) I Do, Think, or Act WRONG, and That UPSETS ME

2) Friends, Despite Being My Friends and Generally Agreeing with Your Worldview, You Still Do, Think, or Act WRONG, and that UPSETS ME.

That’s not a healthy way to live.   Or write   Or see the world.

You see — this post is Topic #1 — I Do, Think, or Act WRONG, and That Upsets Me.

I’m stuck in a vicious cycle!

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