the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Get Back

If you were flat on your back on the living room couch since yesterday, after the terrible stress of the last few months finally got to you, and your back gave out during gardening, and you were in a lot of pain, dressed only in a t-shirt and underwear, on vicodin, but getting bored and impatient, and the easiest way to entertain yourself while your separated wife and your mother ate breakfast in the dining room, was to go on Twitter to kvetch and gain some sympathy from strangers, until you came across a link from @jewles that took you to a ridiculous photo of a naked woman in a empty field wearing orange boots and leg warmers —

— and as you sat there, looking at that photo, you started to get a boner, because you never know with these things, and at that exact moment, your separated wife and your mother were coming into the living room to give you breakfast, so out of embarassment, you reached for the blanket on the other side of the couch, but you couldn’t reach it, even when stretching, and when you tried to move, the pain shot from you back both down to the leg and up to the brain, so the only alternative was to throw yourself off the couch and onto the floor in desperation, onto your already inflamed back, so you screamed in pain, and then rolled over onto your stomach, smashing the boner against the wood floor, so you screamed in pain a second time, just as your wife and mother rushed in, wondering what was going on, but giving you time to use the distraction to grab the blanket, wrap it around your waist and fall back down on your hurting back, would you post about it?

“My god, can I help you to the couch?” your mother would ask.

“No, just leave me where I am. I’m comfortable,” you would answer.

(written on the iPhone while on my back)

19 Comments

  1. lettergirl

    I would not post about such a thing. But, I am certainly glad you did. Because? Hilarious.

  2. Chantel

    Boners happen! Maybe a little boner relief would help with the back pain? Are they going shopping today?

  3. Richard Heft

    Even Batman has this problem:

    http://my.spill.com/profiles/blogs/batman-66-a-comedy-of?xg_source=activity

  4. Twenty Four At Heart

    Did you say your mom DOES read your blog? : )
    xo

  5. sweetsalty kate

    Oh my god, Neil, you’re so awesomely GAME. How is it possible that you can crack me up at a time like this (yours, not mine)?

  6. Kerry

    See, a New Yorker looks at that and gets a boner.

    A Midwesterner looks at that and says, “A New Yorker probably took this picture for other New Yorkers, not knowing that hay actually kind of hurts when you’re naked.”

    A Midwesterner also would have had a heating pad on that back, which he could have quickly flipped around and used to cover the boner. We’re practical people.

    I am thinking of hiring myself out as a Midwestern Problem Solving Consultant. I’d make a killing.

  7. Bec

    This is the kind of post that makes me remember why the internet is awesome. You are a trooper and should be worshipped!

  8. ingrid

    Perfect.
    I’m glad I don’t get boners.
    I’m just sayin…

  9. amanda

    Hard. Core. I mean, if you could use your core to hide the hard, but not really. Oh the chuckles. Thank you.

  10. schmutzie

    Ha!

  11. Ninotchka

    hysterical. hope you get to feeling better!

  12. Lisa

    I would take 800 mg Motrin to help with the “inflamation”. In your back, of course.

  13. Lou P.

    I’m glad you included the link to the chick on the hay bale. It’s ridiculous yet somehow really sexy at the same time. I love the internet.

    As for the boner, that’s a tough situation, but I’d take embarrassment related to having a hard-on over self-induced penile pain suffered while trying to hide it.

  14. Denise

    I’m sorry your pain made me laugh so hard Neil, but while reading your post, my husband inquired as to what I was laughing hysterically about. So of course I had to share your post with him. We both laughed. I hope you are feeling better Neil.

    And that photo, damn. That’s quite the body.

  15. Juli Ryan

    Wondering what the truth quotient is in this post…

  16. Danny

    Wow, I hate change for the most part but I am liking this redesign of your blog. Very snazzy!

  17. Wendi

    I always write about my boners.

    Love the new look!

  18. Mamie

    It is wrong that I am laughing my ass off? If it makes you feel better, just know my parents live with us so I am pretty sure they have ‘heard’ us in, uh, other situations. Never walked in on us though. Yet.

  19. Jody

    When are you going to get a TV show about your life? These moments are priceless!

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