the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

After Birthday Check-Up

Every year, on the day after my birthday, I like to take stock of my life to make sure that everything is running as smoothly as a Swiss watch.

That’s why I made an appointment for this morning to see Doctor Teitelbaum, my family doctor.

“How’s it going with you and Sophia?” he asked as he took my blood pressure.

“Not good at all.”

“I know. I know.”

“How do you know?”

“Sophia already told me when she came in for her checkup two weeks ago.”

“She did?”

Dr. Teitelbaum received a telephone call.

“I’ll be back.” he said, and Emily, Dr. Teitelbaum’s nurse, came in to take my blood.

“And how’s everything, Neil?” Emily asked as she stabbed the needle in my arm. “Any health problems I need to put on the chart?”

“No.”

“You sure? Any lack of sexual desire?  Difficulty with erections?  Premature ejaculation?   Crying after sex?  Inability to find the clitoris?  Lack of affection?   Bad kissing technique?”

“Uh, no. Everything is fine.  Why?  What did you hear?”

“Just part of the yearly check-up.”

She bandaged me up.

“Thanks, Neil. Regards to Sophia!” she said, as she exited.  “Please tell her to call me when you return to New York.   We wanted to check out that new club in Manhattan Beach!”

Dr. Teitelbaum returned, reading a chart.

“OK, I’m back.   Hmmm….”  he murmered with a worried look on his face.

“Is there a problem.”

“Just reading your blog’s chart. How’s the blog this year? How’s your readership?”

“Oh, it’s great. My readers are terrific.”

“I’m not quite sure about your demographic.”

“What do you see?”

He handed me my blog’s chart.

“Well, according to Quantcast, the professional web tool used to quantify the size and characteristics of those engaged with your digital media. most of your readership consists of poor middle-aged Asian men who make 0-30K year.”

“It is?  It thought most of my readers were MILFs!?”

“No, Neil.  You are imagining that.   Why would they want to read you when they can read Bossy or the Bloggess?  Maybe it is time that you start writing more posts about poor middle-aged Asian men.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“No. Doctor’s orders.”

“OK, OK.”

Dr, Teiltelbaum pulled over his chair and patted me on the knee in a fatherly manner.

“So, Neil. Anything else? Anything else you want to tell me about?”

“I’m feeling pretty good. Solid. Looking forward to my new year of life with a positive attitude.”

“I see. That’s great. But what about the incident with your father-in-law’s dentures?”

“What?!” I shouted. “How did you know about that?”

“The pretty brunette who saw you in the car — just happens to be my patient. The minute she described the scenario, I knew it was you.”

“It was nothing. Really nothing.”

“That’s NOT what she thought. Or her friend who was walking with her.”

“It’s just… been very chaotic lately, with me rushing back and forth between home and my father-in-law’s. When I took those tupperwear containers back home from their home, I didn’t realize that his dentures was in one of the containers. So when Sophia called up, her mother screaming in the background, thinking they were lost, the whole situation made me jumpy. I rushed out of the supermarket, where I was buying milk and orange juice, and ran to the car parked outside, just to make sure I still had the dentures in the car. I was so relived to find them in the glove compartment, but because of my anxiety, I dropped the container out of the open passenger’s side door, the container flipped open on the surface of the parking lot,  and the dentures rolled under the car. I immediately slid under the car to retrieve them, banging my head on the car door.  Then, I sat inside the car again to clean them off using a bottle of water I found in the back seat. I was worrying about his dentures, not the water splashing on the front of my pants.”

“So, are you saying that she and her friend  were MISTAKEN about you giving yourself a blowjob with a pair of dentures and THEN coming in your pants.  They thought you were a pervert!”

“Of course they were wrong. That’s ridiculous.  Sick!”

Dr. Teitelbaum stood, closing my file.

“OK, Neil, everything seems to be the same with you this year. You are in good health. Just one thing….”

Dr. Teitelbaum reached over to grab a bag full of pill samples.

“I am recommending you take these. Every day.  Sometimes twice a day.”

As he handed them over to me —

“Happy Birthday,” he said.

Truth Quotient — 56% – 67% depending on the reading

P.S. — Thanks for all the birthday greetings yesterday!

43 Comments

  1. kwr221

    I’m sorry, I am laughing over here. I may not be a MILF, but I’m not an Asian male either, so that’s good, right?

    Happy Belated Birthday – how old are you?
    You *are brave to post that pic. 😉

  2. Michele

    *mwah*

    (late birthday kiss.)

  3. Ann's Rants

    I think the staff needs to review HIPPA.

  4. Greg

    Huh. Maybe I AM Asian.

  5. Philly Jewish Amy

    Now it’s posts like this that keep me coming back.
    Good stuff.

  6. Twenty Four At Heart

    You are hysterical.

  7. Neil

    Amy — You mean stupid stuff keeps you coming back?

  8. Titanium

    Feeling distinctly Asian today…
    and laughing myself sick. Happy B-Day, Neil.

  9. Philly Jewish Amy

    Neil – not the stupid stuff… the half nekkid pictures of you do.

  10. Neil

    Amy – wow. I need to wear hospital gowns more often.

  11. Sondra

    You are awesome.

  12. andrea

    Hmmm. I don’t think I’m a middle-aged Asian man.
    I’m not a MILF either…

    Maybe just go with future MILF? I’m sure you’ve got lots of us in your readership 🙂

    Happy belated! I can’t remember if I said happy birthday yesterday or not, cause I was having all sorts of internet issues.

  13. Erika

    ok im slow but what does MILF stand for? great post and may this year be your best yet!

  14. Danny

    You really need to write a Neil Simon-like trilogy about your life, this is too good! And truth quotient at 56%? Yikes! I defy a single poor Asian man to delurk and make his presence known, that is the strangest demographic ever!

  15. Danny

    P.S. to Erika: Moms I’d Like to F*ck.

  16. kgirl

    Awesome. Happy belated, Neil. Now I’m not sure I want to actually meet you at BlogHer – I prefer your imaginary image of me.

  17. Annie

    Oh, Neil, I missed your birthday. I am sorry I missed it! Happy belated birthday! xoxo

  18. girlvaughn

    funny.

    Happy Birthday.

  19. The Mom(aka Amy)

    My secret it out. I am a middle aged Asian man working at Burger King. Dammit. I was liking this alter ego mom thing. Stupid doctor

  20. 180|360

    HAHAHAHA!!! Judging by the title, this totally didn’t turn out to be what I expected. Love it, Neil!

  21. tamarika

    Ah – this is the Neil I remember! The one I placed the highest bid on! Fabulous post! Not that I don’t love so many – if not all – of your other posts too … have a *great* year!

  22. René

    I’m going to shut my computer off now and go to the studio. Nothing I read will make me happier than this has.

    Thanks, Neil.

  23. Donna

    Damn, you’re funny.

    Happy belated birthday!

  24. Hadiyah

    LMAO! That’s just wrong… funny and so very wrong.

    Happy birthday!

  25. Lotus / Sarcastic Mom

    Hey, you know Asian Porn is great – maybe you can work out a trade with your greatest reader demographic and see if you really can profit form your blog in a way that would truly make you happy.

    The front of your patient gown seems to be caught on something.

    ?

  26. Jane Gassner

    Oh god, you mentioned Quantcast. Do I even want to know what they say about MidLifeBloggers? Is there even anything to say? Maybe you can get some of your Asian male readers to hop over my way. Please.

  27. Slow Panic

    Happy Belated and that picture is the best thing I’ve seen all day.

  28. kim.hormone-colored days

    Hilarious! Happy belated birthday!

  29. Lauren

    Wait – you spent how much on your iphone to get blurry pictures of you like that? If you’re brave enough to take these unglamorous (yet charming) photos of yourself in a hospital gown at the very least they should be in focus.

    Awesome post.

  30. Neil

    lauren — I forgot. there is an app with image stabilization. I always take blurry photos.

  31. tony

    ahh so,you very funny man. what doctor say very good advice.

    too funny!!!

  32. Heather

    MWAH! Happy Birthday Friend. Paper hospital gowns suit you! 😉

  33. Deb on the Rocks

    Blog charts FTW. I think you could open a practice, Dr. Neil.

  34. sarah

    well, that doesn’t sound at ALL awkward! 😉 Happy birthday, apparently from a poor middle-aged Asian man.

  35. Gwen

    Masturbating with dentures? How old did you just turn again?

  36. Vicki

    Happy birthday. Looks like you’ve got your groove back 🙂

  37. Diana

    I love ya, Neil. I’m glad you got a fresh bag of sample pills to get you through. 😉

  38. Karl

    Happy belated, Neil. Sounds like your doctor has your best interests at heart.

  39. Mary @ Holy Mackerel

    That was pure awesomeness. And yeah, I really believe you, that they’re all lies. Whatever.

  40. Mary @ Holy Mackerel

    Oh, and Happy Birthday!! Belated, of course. Is there any other kind?

    By the way, I think poor Asians is better than what I get. You don’t want to know.

  41. Erika

    thanks Danny…lol

  42. Mommy Fabulous

    Really Funny! First time reader! Loved IT!

  43. nic @mybottlesup

    sorry, i’m bad with birthdays… hope yours was a happy happy… but this was FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!

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