I was returning from having a cup of coffee at the McDonald’s across the street when I encountered a white-haired elderly man who lived in my apartment building.Â I didn’t remember his name, but I knew him from my youth as the red-haired tenant with ultra-straight posture who would chase the kids from playing Frisbee on the front grassy area.
“You’re ruining the grass,” he would shout.Â “Play in the back where you are supposed to!” referring to the concrete slab between the two apartment buildings that created the co-op, a fenced-in area with ground so hard and child-unfriendly that you would scrap your knees if you fell, especially on the broken glass left over from the older kids previous night’s contraband smashed beer bottles.
But time changes, and this tenant now seemed frail and friendly.Â Most of the kids playing in the grass had grown up and moved on.Â Only I had unceremoniously returned again as an adult.
“You’re Kramer’s son?” he asked.
The men from my father’s generation, the first group of tenants in this apartment building, always spoke of the offspring in relation to the patriarch.Â I am always “Kramer’s son.”Â I am never the “real” Kramer.
“We need you,” he said.Â “We need a tenth person for a minyan.”
A minyan in Judaism refers to the quorum required for certain religious obligations, such as getting together for a prayer service. The traditional minyan for most cases consists of ten men, which continues to be the position with Orthodox Judaism.Â Â However, Conservative Judaism and Reform Judaism accept women in the minyan.Â In this case, I assumed this traditional, old-school guy was looking for a tenth MAN.Â Some of the older guys prayed together on Friday night in one of the apartments, instead of schlepping to the temple all the way on Main Street.Â In order to make this kosher,Â they needed ten men.Â And tonight, they were one short.
I was about to opt out, because I had hoped to watch an episode of “Flight of the Conchords” on Tivo, but I didn’t speak up fast enough.
“We’re meeting in Apartment 5C.Â They’re sitting shiva.”
The mention of the shiva changed everything, and made me feel guilty about saying no.Â In Judaism, shiva is the week-long period of grief and mourning for the seven first-degree relatives: father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, and spouse. (Grandparents and grandchildren are not included).Â As most regular activity is interrupted, the process of following the shiva ritual is referred to as “sitting shiva.”Â Shiva is a part of the customs for bereavement in Judaism.
The group was not only meeting for the Sabbath, but was praying in the apartment of someone bereaved.
I was told to arrive at Apartment 5C at 6PM, and I did.Â I entered a crowded living room, a room too small for all ten of us — nine gray-haired, sloppily-dressed men in yarmulkes, and me.Â Â We all looked like we wanted to be elsewhere, but were obligated by religious law to gather.Â I recognized the faces of the men, but only knew one of them well, Mr. Weiner, the father of my childhood friend, Barry.
Someone’s husband had died earlier that week.Â This was his home.Â The widow was in the bedroom.Â You could hear her crying.Â Â The grieving son and grand-daughter sat by the piano in the living room, apart from the men. They were not particularly friendly towards us, as if we were a roaming band of gypsies invading their home.Â Â Â They were probably having this ceremony for the “sake of their mother.”Â No one talked, partly because of the solemn occasion, but mostly because the son and grand-daughter seemed like rude assholes.Â Couldn’t they at least say hello or “thank you for being with us when you could be home watching “Flight of the Conchords?”
I wasn’t sure who was crying in the bedroom.Â I don’t ever remember being in Apartment 5C ever before, although it pretty much looked like every other apartment in the building.Â Â Â Who was it who died?Â Do I know him?Â If my mother was here, she would know.Â Â She gossips with everyone in the elevator.Â I usually leave the building through the side door so I don’t have to interact with anyone, so I miss all the inside info.
The apartment was not that much different than ours.Â There was a couch that once had plastic on it to keep it fresh-looking, and a fake Chagall print on the wall, something the Torah demands of every Jewish household in Queens.
The grand-daughter sat in a director’s chair by the terrace window.Â She was in her early twenties.Â She looked bored and was staring into space as if she was watching some imaginary movie on her bigscreen TV.Â I thought she was dressed inappropriately for the occasion, in a tight T-shirt with cleavage.
“Do you have any prayer books?” asked Mr. Weiner.
The son reached for a pile of black hard-covered books sitting on the piano bench and passed it the grand-daughter.Â She dropped one of the books, and bent down to retrieve it.
“My God,” I thought, as I looked down the top of her shirt.Â She had the most round and perfect breasts I had ever seen.Â I felt like I could spend my life between them.Â I was not the only one mesmerized by the sight.Â All the men were sitting straighter and looking more youthful, as if they had just had their first true religious experience of the evening.Â Â I think a few of them had the first hard-ons they have had since turning seventy years old.
The grand-daughters amazingly young and full breasts seemed to energize the room, and became the ice-breaker that was needed for the men to start talking with each other.Â It was now 6:15 and we were still waiting for some local rabbi, who was going to lead the special service in honor of the deceased.
“Maybe he’s having trouble finding parking in this neighborhood.” said the son, a psychotherapist in New Jersey.Â You could tell that he was a snob who looked down on “the old neighborhood” and thought it was over-crowded and unsafe.Â “I certainly didn’t want to leave my Lexus in front of McDonalds!”
One of the other men spoke up, a skinny man with pants that were too short.
“Is this Rabbi Greenstein that’s coming here tonight?” he asked.
The son nodded.
“That’s the problem.Â Rabbi Greenstein is ALWAYS telling everyone to show up a half hour early so he doesn’t have to wait!Â When he says come at 6PM, that means he is coming at 6:30.”
“That’s not nice,” said the grand-daughter, the one and only time I heard her speak the entire night.
Some of the men laughed at her statement about Rabbi Greenstein.Â A man named “Ralph,” with glasses and a hearing aide, called this rabbi a jerk.Â He gave the son some simple advice.
“Next time there is a death, call Rabbi Goodwin from the “other temple” on Main Street,” he said.
Mr. Weiner, Barry’s father, and a friend of Rabbi Greenstein, disagreed with Ralph.
“Let’s be honest, Ralph.Â If Rabbi Greenstein told us to all be here at 6:30, half of us would be walking in at 6:40. so rather than insulting the nice rabbi, I think we should acknowledge him as a clever and intelligent man.Â Â I don’t know about you, but I like that in a rabbi.Â You don’t want a dumb rabbi.”
“He has a point,” said the man who initially met me out in the front.Â “Say what you want about Obama, but he’s very very smart.Â And we need that now in this country.Â Would you rather have Bush in office?Â Someone dumb?Â Â It’s also good to have a smart rabbi.”
“Bush was good for Israel” said another man, the one conservative in the home.
“Bush was the worst president ever.” said someone Mr. Weiner, and everyone accepted his word, as he was known to read the entire New York Times every morning in the Dominican coffee shop.”
As the men discussed rabbis and Presidents, my mind wandered back to the grand-daughter, and the true land of Milk and Honey calling my name from beneath her shirt.
“How’s your mother doing?” asked Mr. Weiner, bringing me back to reality.
“Good.Â Thanks.Â Hey, I saw Barry last week.Â We took a ride down to see Shea Stadium being dismantled.Â Â He was very sad. Â He loved Shea Stadium.”
“How’s the new stadium?”
“It’s OK.Â Supposedly it is replica of Ebbett’s Field.”
“Phooey,” said Ralph.Â “There is only ONE Ebbett’s Field.Â I used to live one block away from Ebbett’s Field.Â You could literally hear the crack when Jackie Robinson swung his bat.”
“That’s bullshit.” said the Bush supporter.Â “I used to live on Bedford Avenue.Â I used to cut school every day to go to the game.Â You could not hear the bat swinging.Â Maybe you were hearing your mother making gefilte fish in the bathtub!”
The men at laughed at this clever diss.Â The party was just getting going, when the clock rang 6:30 and the rabbi showed up at the front door.Â The widow came out to join the others.Â All of the men got up to greet her.Â I stood up as well, out of respect.
I was surprised to see Eleanor, one of the women who played mah jongg with my mother.
“Oh, Neil.Â How nice of you to come here,” she said.
“i’m so sorry to hear about this,” I replied.
While I am not terribly close with this woman, she was the first person in the building to know the “real” reason for my return to Queens, after I scolded my mother from keeping my separation a secret out of embarrassment.Â Â I even wrote a post several month ago about Eleanor, and her attempt to revive my marriage by reading her favorite book, “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus.”
From October 2008 —
Eleanor, the woman who sits in the back with her husband in the wheel chair, is one of those who knows the real story about why I am in New York.Â Â After all, how long can I really be â€œvisitingâ€ for?Â But good intentions have bad results.Â Since then,Â I cannot walk past Eleanor without her calling me over for one of her â€œhelpfulâ€ lectures about marriage and relationships.
â€œI have been married for fifty one years,â€ she told me a few weeks ago, her husband nodding in the background.Â â€œAnd let me tell you, it hasnâ€™t always been easy.Â Â Â But it wasnâ€™t until about five years ago that I truly understood what marriage is all aboutâ€¦ what makes a marriage work.Â It was all because I read a book.Â You must read this book.Â Â Â This book changed my life.Â I donâ€™t know if you ever heard of it, but it is calledâ€¦ â€œMen are from Mars, Women are from Venus.â€Â Have you read this book?â€
I have read this book and thought it was hogwash, so I lied.
â€œI havenâ€™t read it.Â Â But I have heard of it.Â It is about how men and women are different.â€
â€œExactly.Â Â After reading this book, everything about men and women became clear to me.Â This book is as important as the Old Testament.Â Let me give you an example of why.Â Â Â A husband and wife are getting dressed to go to a Temple function.Â Everyone whoâ€™s anyone is going to be there.Â The husband says, â€œLetâ€™s get going.Â Weâ€™re going to be late.â€Â The wife is busy putting on her make-up, wanting to look her best.Â Â The wife asks, â€œHow do I look?â€Â The husband says, â€œFine.Â Now, letâ€™s go.â€Â And then the wife is upset at her husband for the rest of the night because he said she was looking â€œfineâ€ and not â€œbeautiful.â€Â â€œWhat did I say?â€ asks the husband.Â Â Â He doesnâ€™t get it.Â Â Thatâ€™s because he is from Mars and she is from Venus.Â You are from Mars.Â Your wife is from Venus.Â Always remember that.â€
It was her husband that had passed away a few days ago.Â And no, I never read the book again after she suggested it.
I also remember another conversation that I had with her in the Fall while I was taking one of my walks.
Only once she did try to be a matchmaker.Â Â Â She has a granddaughter who is interested in television production, a â€œbeautiful redheadâ€ who is having trouble finding a â€œJewish man with a good soul.â€
â€œBut sheâ€™s just 22, so you are too old.â€ she added at the end.
â€œNo, sheâ€™s not,â€ screamed my Penis, but the muffled sound from inside my pants never reached Eleanor and her hearing aide.Â Eh, her granddaughter is probably a Wo-man from Venus anyway, which does not bode well for our relationship.
Are you saying that Ms. Perfect Breasts is this woman’s 22 year old grand-daughter?!
The rabbi started the prayer service.Â He had us face east, towards Jerusalem.Â This required that I did a 180 turn, which put the grand-daughter behind me, which was probably for the best.Â I was now facing a wall entirely covered by photographs of the family, snapshots of this married couple’s life.Â Â There were fading black and white photos from the old days, Kodachrome shots from the 1970s of their son growing up, his bar mitzvah, his graduation, a trip to Hershey, Pennsylvania, a vacation in Puerto Rico, the son’s wedding, the birth of the grand-daughter who would one day grow up to have these Godly-blessed ample breasts!
Eleanor had been married for fifty-one years.Â What a run!Â What memories!
After the service, I thought there might be some food, as is usual in any Jewish event, but it seemed that everyone just wanted to go home to their families.Â I said good-bye to the unfriendly son and grand-daughter from New Jersey, taking a quick look down the grand-daughter’s shirt one last time before I left, in case I never had the opportunity ever again.
I went over to Eleanor and gave my condolences.Â Â She seemed so grateful that I came for the service.
“Say hello to your mother for me! ” she said.Â “The mah jongg game is not the same without her.”
I tried to think of something clever to say, but I drew a blank.Â I am terrible at these moments.Â What can you say to someone who just lost their husband of fifty-one years?Â Â I hugged her.
“Have you read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” yet? she asked.
“No,” I said.Â “But I will.Â Â And I will think of you and your husband, because the two of you clearly figured out a way to align the planets.”
I think that this is my favorite post. Ever. Really wonderful Neil.
This read like a novel – I loved every morsel. Great post, Neil.
This was absolutely wonderful to read. And I learned new Jewish vocabulary!
“and a fake Chagall print on the wall, something the Torah demands of every Jewish household in Queens.”
That was my favorite line in the whole post :-). And hey, what happened to the last post? I swear there was a penis post this morning…Did I dream it?
Zikhrono livrakha may his memory be a blessing, and for you too. This was a very beautifully told account of this mitzvah you performed, Neil.
This post encompasses everything I think of when I think about your blogging: deep insight and inappropriate sexuality.
(And I mean that as the highest compliment. Seriously.)
Damn you–you made me laugh hysterically (the gefilte fish in the bathtub) and then burst into tears (the last line). The people in the Beverly Hills Library reference room think I am out of my mind!
Danny – did you know that they used to get real fish and keep them in the bathtub and then make the gefilte fish from that? I bet it tasted better than the jarred ones?
Neil, what a great post. It had the perfect blend of humor, pathos, sexuality, seriousness and human frailty.
And the “Mensch of the Year” award goes to… Neil Kramer. (“And his penis!” yells Penis. “Don’t forget that I share every award that Neil gets. We shmucks have to hang together!”)
i really can’t add anything to this, just a beautiful read.
thanks for this.
my mom died at the end of january. growing up with a jewish best friend (who was by my side the entire afternoon after i eulogized my mother), i’ve long seen the similarities between the jewish and catholic traditions.
your post reminds me yet again that where there is death there is also life.
here’s to the 22 year old’s knockers.
51 years. Wow. That just blows my mind.
A really lovely post.
This is really nice, Neil.
This is your best post in a long time. Maybe ever.
I now truly appreciate my tits and your writing.
maybe not in that order, but maybe so
Awesome post – Had me crying all the way through.
Thank you for being nice to Eleanor, not that you’re not generally a nice guy but I couldn’t not think of my own mother and you know…just thanks for being kind and giving her a hug. You’re a good kid, Kramer.
You certainly can paint a picture!
I loved this…
I haven’t been here in a while. I need to make more time to get here. This was so worth the 20 minutes I have this morning sans kids. Thank you….
Paragraphs like that are what keep me coming back. You are a wonderful writer, Neil!
First; what got me was the fact that you go out of the side door in order to not have to interact. That made my heart a little sad. Arent you in NY to get a ‘new start’ and learn a bit more about you? see the beautiful things you developed with Eleanor? What else are you missing out on?! Yes, tsk tsk!
Lastly; I think that was beautiful what you told to Eleanor. I pray that my guy and I will forever ‘align the planets’.
That was wonderful. I loved every word. You educated me on some Jewish traditions I wasn’t familiar with, and I enjoyed reading about what took place in the apartment. I felt a little like a voyeur, but a good one. I also like the glimpse into you – your candor and compassion. I really like this.
Sarah G — there is another reason I take the side door. So, I can walk the stairs for exercise rather than taking the elevator. But I will try to talk more to my neighbors, for you.
Priceless! You even got the fake Chagall into this post. I didn’t grow up in Queens, but I know from fake Chagalls in Jewish homes!!!
This was really wonderful,
I started reading this and thought, “wow what a wonderful, touching post. This really resonates with me. That Neil Kramer is such a mench.”
And then about a third of the way through it turned into a typical Neil Kramer post.
Ah, what the hell. It’s still at touching post.
And you’re still a mench.
Psychotoddler — C’mon, even the book of Genesis throws in some naked women in there for interest.
It was beautiful, Neil. Thank you for sharing the story with us.
And those breasts only added to the story. After all, God doesn’t make something that perfect to go to waste, He expects it to be appreciated. 😉
Ah! exercise. of course, thats acceptable then, but I’m glad to hear you’re going to talk to more neighbors!
I can’t imagine being with someone for 51 years. I’d love to try, though.
Very nice post. The breasts sound fantastic.
A great story, even though you just couldn’t resist the urge to include boobage in there somewhere. Tokenism? Obsession? Still, I loved the story & agree you should get out and mingle more often.
p.s. At least we choose Chagall and not black velvet Elvis’s. Credit where credit is due.
here’s one for you, Neil.
Conversation last night with my wife regarding the eponymous psychotoddler, now age 7:
MRS: We really need to check The PT’s math homework more carefully before she brings it back to school.
MRS: She keeps misspelling “pennies”.
What a lovely post!
Beautiful writing, Neil!
When the hell is your first book coming out?
Jeez, I don’t anything about the Jewish religion. I just learned what “sitting shiva” is, thanks to you!
Is being part of a minyan a mitzvah or an obligation? Whatever it was a beautiful story made more beautiful by the universal Queens truths you spoke
BLOG CRUSH OF THE DAY!!! OMG! This calls for my nice pair of jeans today and, what the hell, I’m gonna have another cuppa coffee–with sugar. This day just keeps getting better and better. Thank you, lovie:>)xxxooo