Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

I Finally Went Commando

britney

Long-time readers of this blog will tell you that I have a mild obsession with underwear. I have written at least five different posts about bras. I still get comments on a post from 2005 where I ask “Boxers or Briefs?” I even admitted that I once wore Sophia’s panties one a day when I ran out of underwear from not doing the laundry. In each of these posts, I would always get some joker telling me to “go commando.” At first, I didn’t even understand what the phrase meant. It sounded very war-like, and I am a lover, not a fighter.

And then I learned that “going commando” meant not wearing underwear at all.

Now there are many stereotypes about Jewish men.

“They kvetch a lot.”

“They are momma’s boys.”

“The have no idea how to change the oil in their car.”

“They start Ponzi schemes and steal billions of dollars.”

These stereotypes are not all true. I have NEVER started a Ponzi scheme and stolen billions of dollar. Of course, I would like to do that; I just don’t know how! It it sad really. Aren’t Jews supposed to be good with money? That would be so great during these economic times, when I am thinking of monetizing my blog. Today, I called my mother in Boca Raton and asked her if I was adopted, or maybe the love-child of Tony Finaldi in Apartment 3D. I am crappy with money, but I do have an insatiable attraction to pizza, and I would sooo go down on Marisa Tomei. I have loved her for years!

marisa

Sigh. Anyway, the point is that Jewish men… do not go commando. It is written in the Torah.

Last night, my friend Barry called me up.

“Hey, I’m in the neighborhood.” he said. “You want to go look at the 1/2 of Shea Stadium still standing, and then go out?”

“Sure,” I said. “Better than sitting around reading some idiots on Twitter.” (not you, my favorite Twitter follower, the other 1000 people)

Note: by going out with Barry, it means that we would be going to the same diner that we have been going to since junior high, and sitting there for four hours, and talking about nothing important and bragging about my new iphone and showing him Google Earth, and complaining about marriage, and telling him that if I don’t get some pussy soon, I will just melt away into oblivion, which really isn’t that much different from what I was doing on Twitter earlier that evening.

I took a quick shower, and then remembered that I had no clean underwear. I had been wearing my last piece of underwear for two days straight. I had been so busy trying to learn how to use my manual can opener (see previous post), that I had not done the laundry (in three weeks).

“Screw it,” I said. “I’m gonna be as cool as my Gentile blog readers, who seem to have no problem going commando and having their dicks rub against the metalic zipper and being unsanitary when they drip all over their pants after they pee.”

For the first time in my life, on January 30, 2008, I went commando. And, on Shabbos.

I probably should have waited until the spring. Going commando in the freezing New York winter, when it is twenty degrees, is what my mother might say, “what a moron would do.” Especially when I had to wait outside for fifteen minutes, as my friend was late, and the blistering wind and bitter cold flew right under my pants where the precious jewels had no protection to fight off the frigid grasp of winter.

Punishment from God.

If someone finds my penis, which froze like an icicle, and fell off somewhere near the Long Island Expressway, please email me. Thank you.

35 Comments

  1. Terrific post, hon – hysterical, really well written. Nice job!

    PS I’ll be finding a new detour on my trips down the LIE from now on. Just sayin.

  2. I laughed so hard I had to change my underwear!… only I haven’t done laundry in a couple weeks either.. and was out of clean undies.. looks like it’s commando for me!

    So glad I stopped by your blog today.. I think I’m in love. πŸ˜‰

  3. Dude. That is one hot ass picture of MT. But I find myself focusing on her FEET. WTF, dude? I’m totally a BEWB person, not a foot fetisher.

    I am truly disturbed by this.

    But if I were in NY for some reason, and found your wang, I’d probably take lots of pictures and post them on my Flickr account in a special set.

    Or maybe I’d start a “Neilochka’s Wiener” blog. And monetize it, of course.

  4. With all the penis envy (ya right) out there, it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever get it back. What now?

  5. Brave man.

    BTW, I once rented “Edward Penishands 3” on Easter Sunday, so I feel you sacreligiousity.

  6. Haven’t laughed so much in days. Thanks!

  7. Good that you’re willing to try new things. Now you just have to work on your timing.

  8. A Seinfeld shrinkage moment indeed!
    Funny stuff Neil, thanks for the laugh.

  9. Well, I’m proud of you but would suggest trying again when it’s a bit warmer outside.

    Also, it took you a year to tell us? It’s not that traumatic, is it? πŸ™‚

  10. “Sigh. Anyway, the point is that Jewish men… do not go commando. It is written in the Torah.”

    HA HA HA!

    I hope you find your penis.

    πŸ˜‰

  11. You are a role model for Jewish men everywhere.

    Although I’m not sure how I’m going to shake the image of a frozen penis lying on the highway.

  12. I’m totally with you re: Marisa Tomei, hell, I’d go down on her too. as far as the other stuff… anyone crave a popsicle? ;P

  13. So. That whole bris thing with your mother in the other room being comforted by the other women and the praying and the sweet wine and the bagels and lox? After all that you let your Mark of the Covenant turn into a Popsicle? And let it fall on the ground where any two-bit Shiksa could find it and try to resuscitate it by giving it a tongue bath?

    This will KILL YOUR MOTHER.

  14. Poppy — Hey, you know your bris pretty well!

  15. I knew this day would come. But so soon? Oy. Vey.

  16. I didn’t know Shea was getting a makeover too, or are the Mets closing down the shop for good?

    I would turn the 2 day old crusties inside out before going comando! That’s psycho shit Neil.

    On the bright side, you losing your penis means you won’t need that pu**y anymore. (yeah, I can’t even type the P word, let alone say it… such a pu**y)

  17. No worries. Your penis is sure to write a blog post revealing his whereabouts. Or perhaps he will Twitter asking for help, like that dude that got arrested in Pakistan or some-such last year.

  18. Eww, you’re right, it’s a shonda! I have never gone commando, much less on Shabbos. But I’m in total agreement about Marisa Tomei. Have you seen “The Wrestler” yet? Put some underwear on and run to the theatre. She may just win the Oscar and finally put an end to the derision she received for her “My Cousin Vinny” award. Some people still say that the presenter read the wrong name by mistake that night and that the Academy was too chicken to correct the error.

    (Sorry for babbling, I’m just trying real hard to move the topic away from your lack of underwear…)

  19. I hope this (hilarious) post will be a good reminder to all mommybloggers that they *have* to train their sons to wash their underwear and *not* do it themselves.

  20. We also share the love for her- my cousin vinny- come on and what was that fucking movie about the baboon heart?(untaimed heart!) lerv her. Sorry bout yr penis.

  21. I am pretty sure that all of the commandos I know wear underwear, specifically for preventing the frozen nut scenario.

    and also to keep from zipping their pubes up in their zippers. Because commandos do not sound commanding in falsetto.

  22. oh shit! I can not believe you did that! roflol
    ow!
    Wear dirty underwear fool!

  23. Um, Neil? Maybe you need to ADD some defining characteristics to this search-and-rescue ending. Does your penis have any special qualities, any HANG-UPS that we should know about and look out for? What, exactly, does a Neil Kramer penis look like that might distinguish it from any others (FALLEN ONES) that might be found in that general vicinity?

  24. mmmmmmm.

    Marisa Tomei…

  25. I don’t really know what to say, but had to comment. Not often do I laugh out loud at a post-mostly because it drives my husband crazy because he usually doesn’t or wont get it. This was different.

    Is that Brit? She looks like shit.

    *lalala.i’m not looking****

  26. this is just so wrong, dude, at least rinse your undies out in the sink!!!

  27. I was just discussing “going commando” with Britt yesterday and how I couldn’t understand why anyone would ever do it. Now I have one more reason to add to the “cons” list.

  28. Avitable — Although in florida, it may be more common during the winter…

  29. Why didn’t Neil’s penis write this post?

  30. Congratulations. I ALWAYS go commando and have for years …….

  31. Ah, yes! This! This is why I visit your blog, Neil!

  32. Whoa! Not sure how you let it go so long without washing any underwear, Neil! I thought there were lots of laundromats in your neighborhood. If not, shall I come over and do some washy for you?

  33. Now I understand why my husband sometimes nicks my underwear.

    I just wish he wouldn’t moon my panties at his colleagues.

    Sigh.

  34. I couldn’t do it. But grats to you on your bravery. πŸ™‚

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