the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: sex survey

Dude Thinks Like a Lady


I noticed that one of my readers was participating in a "sex survey," so I quickly followed the link, all excited about adding my two cents.  When I got to the site, I was disappointed that all the questions were for WOMEN. 

Here I was, hoping to have some fun on a Monday night, and I was excluded.  But this is the internet, true?  And I’m supposed to be a writer, right?  I’ve created female characters before.  I think I know women pretty well.  I even once imagined life as a woman.

So, why not try to answer this sex survey honestly, as IF I WERE  A WOMAN

Maybe this will even help me get in touch with the feminine side of my personality.

So, here is Evercurious’s Sex Survey, with my answers AS A WOMAN:

1. Do you orgasm faster or easier when you masturbate?

Hmmm… let’s see.    If we are assuming that I am a woman and my partner is someone like my male self, and knowing first hand my abilities with women, I think the answer is clearly —


2. If you use a toy, do you prefer penetration or clitoral stimulation?

A toy… let’s see.  Even though I’m supposedly a woman, I need to go into my own male past to better understand the question.  The only "toys" I ever remember using were when I was a teenager.  I was proud that all my pubic hair had finally grown in.  I had these two little green plastic soldiers that I used to play "war" with as a child.  I found it amusing to put these two soldiers in the middle of all the hair, as if they were trapped in the jungles of Vietnam.  I remember humming the the Wagner music from "Apocalypse Now."  I imagined my two soldiers hiding in the "jungle" as the Vietcong approached.  I guess if I were a woman, there would be more places for the soldiers to hide.   I think that would also probably be very stimulating.


3. What is one thing you would never do in bed?


4. Approximately how short or long of a time does it take you to please yourself?

I’ve been lucky enough to please myself in as short a period as the length of one of those commercials where that hot woman keeps saying, "It’s all about  the ‘O.’"


5. Do you sometimes wish you would have just gone it alone after sex? (as in you are more productive alone.)

Again, are we talking about having my male self as the partner?


6. What is your favorite form of contraception?


7. Which matters most? Girth or length?

Tough one.    I think I could better relate again by thinking of something in my past.  When I had my Bar-Mitzvah, I wore a tie that was short, but very wide in girth.  Does anyone remember those ties?  Those "wide ties" were once very fashionable.  

In the 1980’s I wore one of those skinny "New Wave band" ties that the "Talking Heads" would wear.  They were long and skinny.  

I don’t wear too many ties nowadays, but if I had to choose one, it would be the long, skinny one.  People would think I’m trying to look "retro."  If I wore the "girthy" wide tie, I would just look like a dork.


8. What is your favorite position? (If an odd ball position, please describe.)



9. What is your favorite enhancement (toy, lube, contraption, etc.) to add to the fun of sex?

I once bought handcuffs, but I wasn’t sure how to use it.  How do you get it to fit around the penis?


10. When is your favorite time to masturbate? Have sex?

I subscribe to the same policy as Canter’s Deli on Fairfax Blvd.


We are the World Sex Survey

Every year, Durex, the condom maker, puts out a "global sex survey."  It makes for some interesting (and weird) reading. 

Did you know that people around the world have had an average of 10.5 sexual partners?  Americans average out at 10.3.  The Vietnamese have the least at 2.5 partners.   The winnersthe Chinese, with an average of 19.3 partners.   Now when I see a Chinese restaurant menu that says "order one dish from column A, one dish from column B," my thoughts will go way beyond ordering food.

The Italians reach the most orgasms — 61% of the time.  The Chinese reach orgasm only 19% of the time.  What do they expect — they never stay in one bed long enough to finish things through!

Americans reach orgasm 39% of the time. 

If you want a partner that rarely fakes an orgasm, go with a Macedonian or Serbian Montenegrin, who are the most satisfied — at 82% of the time.  Unfortunately, my "Google" search for "meet Macedonian women in Los Angeles" was not very successful.

Not unsurprisingly, The French have the most sex — 137 times a year.  The Japanese only have sex 46 times a year, giving them a lot of time to build really good cars.

Americans and Israelis tie at having sex 111 times a year, proving the Arab media right when they say the fascist Americans and Zionists are in bed together.

The most moronic category is the world’s sexiest female and male celebrity.  Angelina Jolie is the world’s favorite.  Bah, humbug. 

Let me bring up the Israelis again.  What is with you guys — picking Angelina by a whopping 43%, the biggest margin worldwide.  Is it because her father, Jon Voight, dances with the rabbis during the Chabad telethon?  (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, forget it)

Japan loves Cameron Diaz at 23 %.   As for male celebrities, Brad Pitt is pretty much the world’s sexiest man, except for in India, who are gaga for Tom Cruise at 26%. 

Note to Tom:  for your honeymoon with Katie (we hope!), why not New Delhi?  They love you there.

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