I noticed that one of my readers was participating in a "sex survey," so I quickly followed the link, all excited about adding my two cents. When I got to the site, I was disappointed that all the questions were for WOMEN.
Here I was, hoping to have some fun on a Monday night, and I was excluded. But this is the internet, true? And I’m supposed to be a writer, right? I’ve created female characters before. I think I know women pretty well. I even once imagined life as a woman.
So, why not try to answer this sex survey honestly, as IF I WERE A WOMAN.
Maybe this will even help me get in touch with the feminine side of my personality.
So, here is Evercurious’s Sex Survey, with my answers AS A WOMAN:
1. Do you orgasm faster or easier when you masturbate?
Hmmm… let’s see. If we are assuming that I am a woman and my partner is someone like my male self, and knowing first hand my abilities with women, I think the answer is clearly —
ANSWER: MASTURBATE
2. If you use a toy, do you prefer penetration or clitoral stimulation?
A toy… let’s see. Even though I’m supposedly a woman, I need to go into my own male past to better understand the question. The only "toys" I ever remember using were when I was a teenager. I was proud that all my pubic hair had finally grown in. I had these two little green plastic soldiers that I used to play "war" with as a child. I found it amusing to put these two soldiers in the middle of all the hair, as if they were trapped in the jungles of Vietnam. I remember humming the the Wagner music from "Apocalypse Now." I imagined my two soldiers hiding in the "jungle" as the Vietcong approached. I guess if I were a woman, there would be more places for the soldiers to hide. I think that would also probably be very stimulating.
ANSWER: CLITORAL STIMULATION
3. What is one thing you would never do in bed?
ANSWER: EAT COOKIES THAT MAKE CRUMBS
4. Approximately how short or long of a time does it take you to please yourself?
I’ve been lucky enough to please myself in as short a period as the length of one of those Overstock.com commercials where that hot woman keeps saying, "It’s all about the ‘O.’"
ANSWER: SIXTY SECONDS
5. Do you sometimes wish you would have just gone it alone after sex? (as in you are more productive alone.)
Again, are we talking about having my male self as the partner?
ANSWER: GO IT ALONE
6. What is your favorite form of contraception?
ANSWER: PRAYER
7. Which matters most? Girth or length?
Tough one. I think I could better relate again by thinking of something in my past. When I had my Bar-Mitzvah, I wore a tie that was short, but very wide in girth. Does anyone remember those ties? Those "wide ties" were once very fashionable.
In the 1980’s I wore one of those skinny "New Wave band" ties that the "Talking Heads" would wear. They were long and skinny.
I don’t wear too many ties nowadays, but if I had to choose one, it would be the long, skinny one. People would think I’m trying to look "retro." If I wore the "girthy" wide tie, I would just look like a dork.
ANSWER: LENGTH
8. What is your favorite position? (If an odd ball position, please describe.)
Easy.
ANSWER: THE ONE WHERE I HAVE TO DO THE LEAST AMOUNT OF WORK
9. What is your favorite enhancement (toy, lube, contraption, etc.) to add to the fun of sex?
I once bought handcuffs, but I wasn’t sure how to use it. How do you get it to fit around the penis?
ANSWER: BIG SCREEN TV PLAYING "THE SIMPSONS"
10. When is your favorite time to masturbate? Have sex?
I subscribe to the same policy as Canter’s Deli on Fairfax Blvd.
ANSWER: OPEN 24 HOURS
