(Sue Me by Frank Loesser — Guys and Dolls)
Call a lawyer and sue me,
Sue me
What can you do me,
I love you.
Give a holler and hate me
Hate me
Go ahead, hate me!
I LOVE YOUThe best years of my life, I was a fool to give you you
Alright, already, I’m just a no-goodnick!
Alright, already, it’s true.
So new.
So sue me, sue me
What can you do me?
I love you.
Every few weeks, Sophia or I bring up "divorce."
"Isn’t it time already to do it?" one of us will ask.
We both are procrastinators, making things worse. We still haven’t handed in last year’s taxes. Or maybe it’s love? Do we still love each other so much that we forget all the fights we had during our marriage? Where am I going to find a woman who’s as beautiful, smart, and funny as Sophia? A woman who is so way over my head? A woman whose biggest fault is that she votes Republican? I know for many of you, that alone is grounds for divorce.
Divorce seems so final, so drastic.
After the coolest wedding ceremony imaginable (we had a swing band, a klezmer band, and a belly dancer), we went on our honeymoon to Spain. That’s where our troubles began. My trip was that of a sightseer — Madrid, Cordoba, Grenada, Toledo. Sophia was already a world traveller. She liked to sit at cafes and drink coffee.
Me: The Prado opens at nine. I really want to see the Goyas.
Sophia: Relax. Enjoy your coffee. We’ll get there. (to waiter bringing pastries) Gracias, Senor.
We were married a week and we were already seeing that we weren’t exactly compatible.
Our hotel in Madrid was pretty bad. I asked for a "matrimonial" bed. We got two single beds, each bolted to the floor. We looked over Plaza de Mayor. We didn’t realize that the Spanish don’t even start partying in the streets until 2AM.
But we made it through seven years, even though I was less than the ideal husband.
Today, Sophia asked me to to deliver some translation paperwork to the main court downtown for her job.
Me: Is that where you get divorce papers?
Sophia: I don’t know.
Me: Should I get them?
Sophia: I don’t know.
Me: I’ll look on Google if that’s where you get them.
Sophia: Fine. If that’s what you want.
Sophia has gone on a couple of dates. I haven’t dated in years. Is this what I really want? Do I really want to be a loser like the rest of you, going on all these crappy online dates?
I have to admit, meeting a new woman sounds very exciting to me. Can my readers please stop complaining about your miserable dating lives? You’re making it difficult for me to make any decisions.
Isn’t it fun meeting all types of new people?
I watched this new reality show "Hooking Up" last week for educational purposes — so I’ll learn modern dating techniques. The one thing that really stuck out for me is that when each couple met for the first time, they kissed each other on the cheek. All the couples kissed when they first met.
I never kiss a woman when I first meet her. I always shake her hand. Is this going to spell trouble for me? Will the woman think I’m a cold fish? Will the woman dismiss me immediately, thinking I’m probably bad in bed?
Sophia already knows I’m bad in bed — and still kept me around for several years. Do I really want to get a divorce and start this all over again?
