Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: BlogHer (Page 3 of 4)

How Social Media is Ruining My Plans

June 8, 2009 / / 23 Comments

For four years, I have been writing jokes about BlogHer, fantasizing about my dream to go to the conference and finally use my blogging popularity for some legitimate purpose — getting some hot action from some starry-eyed female fan.  For twelve months a year, I work hard on my writing, and I deserve to be compensated somehow. Unfortunately, every year something happens that screws up my chance to attend the conference.  Last year, was an infamous case involving a free ticket from JCPenney/Dockers which went sour.

This year, I have a ticket to BlogHer.  I have a new haircut.  I have bought new shoes.  I have flirted with all sorts of attractive women online.  I have made lists of women in my google reader categorized by DEFINITELY WILL DO ME, POSSIBLY WILL DO ME, and DO NOT READ OR COMMENT.  Today, I was goofing around on Twitter, trying to ease some of the excitment building inside of me with only a month left to go, when I came face to face with the enemy. And it was Twitter itself, Facebook — social media in general.

Let me explain.  Pundits and marketers are wild over social media. President Obama was able to rally large groups of supporters by using social media.   A movie on YouTube can get a million hits within days.  When a tragedy hits, online citizens worldwide can come together in support and organization.

But do we really want information spread so quickly ALL THE TIME?  Do we want our lives to go viral, even the bad things?  The very thought of being in the middle of 1000 gossipy female bloggers has given me pause over my plans of “getting it on” with some hot babe in her hotel room.

For years, I have been writing about my amazing sexual prowess, I have written about giving women orgasms by merely looking their way.  In post after post, I give oral sex for three hours straight and entertain woman with a penis that sings, dances, and tells borscht belt Yiddish jokes.

The truth is, I have been with one woman, Sophia, for over a decade, and even that has had its ups and downs in the bedroom.  If opportunity would arise, it might take a few tries before I get back into the groove, much like the Tin Man needs Dorothy to squirt some oil onto his joints before he could tap dance again.

But now I worry more about my reputation than actually getting laid.  If I did get lucky, and I wasn’t very good, how long would it take before this information would spread across the blogosphere?  Can you imagine how this would hurt my street cred?

“Hey, isn’t that Neilochka, the blogger/premature ejaculator?”

Let’s do a little social media experiment here. 

Ms. Sizzle and V-grrrl are long time blogging friends of mine who don’t read each other’s blogs.  As a trial run for BlogHer, I want to see how long it will take for news about my performance in the sack to go from blogger to blogger, from Ms. Sizzle to V-grrrl.

Remember, just to be scientific about this — Ms. Sizzle is attending BlogHer in Chicago.  V-grrrl is not.  Ms. Sizzle lives in Seattle.  V-grrl lives in Virginia.  They do not know each other.

Here is the scenario.  It is July, 2009.  Chicago.  BlogHer.  Ms. Sizzle and I are at a party Saturday night, both of us drinking too much.  I “accidentally” spill some wine on her skirt, and then accompany her to her hotel room to “change” while her roommates are downstairs.  I compliment her beautiful glasses, and before we know it, we are in bed together, throwing the Harry met Sally “friends shouldn’t do this” rule to the wind.

Three seconds later, it is over.

“Oops, sorry it was so quick,” I say, sheepishly.  “It must be the jetlag — you know, being in a different time zone.”

“Sure, sure, I understand,” she says with a warm smile, lying through her teeth, like most women do. “It was great.  You were wonderful!”

“Really?” I say, my ego stoked.  “I knew it!  I really know how to please a woman sexually!  I tell myself that all the time.”

I look down at my penis.

“You hear that buddy?!  We rawk!”

“Excuse me,” she says politely, as she heads for the bathroom.

Once in the bathroom, Ms. Sizzle, quickly takes out her blackberry out from inside her pocketbook and sends a text message to Kris from Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino, who is her roommate in the hotel.  She is partying downstairs.

MsSizzle:  I just slept with Neilochka!

theWino:  Oh my god!  How was it?

MsSizzle:  Awful.  They’re gonna have to change Superman’s motto from “faster than a shooting bullet to Neilochka f**king style!”  It’s taking me longer to write this text message than for him to finish.

theWino:  Holy shit!  Who knew?  I always fancied him a total stud.

MsSizzle:  I know.  Me too!  But he’s still a friend.  So, please don’t tell anyone downstairs or Twitter about this to anyone or put this on Facebook or IM with anyone about it.  OK?

theWino:  Of course not.  I’m a woman.  Women don’t gossip!

OK, now here is the experimental part —

Remember the game, “Telephone?”

Who would theWino immediately tell about Ms. Sizzle and me, and how many degrees of separation would it be before V-grrrl received the information that I sucked in the sack via a DM on Twitter by someone else?

I say, it would take one hour.

The Power of Social Media.  Screwing Up Sex Plans since 2008.

A Room of Our Own, Take Two

February 10, 2009 / / 41 Comments

Last week, I tested an idea for BlogHer’s Room of Your Own, and most of you gave it a thumbs down and booted it off as fast as Jason Alexander’s last sitcom.

You can call me a lot of names, but I am not a quitter. I have another idea.

First, let me remind you what this “Room of Your Own” is about —

Since BlogHer programmed panels typically feature universal topics discussed by diverse voices, the Room of Your Own sessions are the perfect place to dig deeper into any one corner of the blogosphere…its particular challenges, triumphs, concerns, issues. You can lead a discussion alone, or bring a panel of interesting speakers. There will be two full tracks (or 12 individual sessions) reserved for Room of Your Own sessions.

The Room of Your Own tracks are designed to provide BlogHer conference attendees with one more way to customize their own conference experience and contribute in a meaningful way. You must be a registered attendee of BlogHer ’09 to present a Room of Your Own session at the conference.

This year we’re launching a new way to submit, track and improve on Room of Your Own suggestions. Using one of the polling capabilities of our fabulous Drupal interface you will now be able to submit your idea, peruse other people’s ideas, indicate which panels you’d attend, and even indicate which of the panels that others have proposed you would love to join forces with and speak on too!

As I looked over the official schedule, as well as the Room of Your Own submissions, I was surprised at the amount of topics on marketing, monetization, and niche blogging. If I am paying money for a blogging conference, and I consider blogging to be writing, wouldn’t it be nice to have some discussion on… writing? And by writing, I mean the “storytelling” that we all do every day when we are not sucking up to each other or being comment whores.

Proposal Idea:

BLOGGING AS STORYTELLING

Personal bloggers are always saying that they are JUST bloggers, NOT “writers,” but guess what? — if you are stringing words into coherent sentences and publishing your stories online, you are a writer. And if content is king, as they say, why do you spend so much time worrying about marketing and promoting your blog, and so little time developing your craft?

This session will try to recapture some of those heady, half-drunken, freshman year discussions that you used to have in your college dorm while in your PJs, as we discuss the principles of storytelling, and how they are fundamentally the same in Hamlet, Pride and Prejudice, The Adventures of Curious George, and your own mommyblog.

This session won’t be about about getting an agent or being published. It will be about appreciating blogging, and seeing it as a new chapter in the long tradition of storytelling. Think of yourself as a modern Scheherazade who must come up with 1001 amazing and adventurous Arabian Blog Posts in order to remain alive!

YOU are the author of your own blog. Are you the main character? What is the point of view of this character? On life? On relationships? On writing? How do you want to be perceived by the reader? Are your secondary characters, your family and friends in your life story, presented as three-dimensional personas? Does each blog post require a beginning, middle, and end? Should you be loyal to the facts or is it better to embellish your stories in order to reach a higher truth?

And learn a top secret: Why the best bloggers learn their craft from watching… soap operas?!

Join like-minded writers and bloggers who want to explore their literary side as we discuss the most important aspect of the blogging experience — storytelling.

END OF PROPOSAL

I haven’t yet submitted this yet, because first I wanted to get your opinion first, being that type of insecure person. Is it written too pretentiously? Anything I should edit out? Would you attend? Would you like to join forces and speak on the subject too? I already received some interest from the cool and creative Amy of Doobleh-vay. And most importantly, will moderating this session help me meet some of the brainier women at the conference?

Idea submitted. Feel free to add your name to the list if you wish to participate in any way. Still making list of supposed best pizza in Chicago, where the BlogHer conference is being held this year, although I am very doubtful that it can compete with the pizza of New York.

A Room of My Own?

February 2, 2009 / / 23 Comments

I mentioned that I am attending BlogHer, the woman’s blogging conference, for the first time this year in July. It is in Chicago. As I was reading through the conference agenda on their website, I noticed that besides the scheduled seminars, they have a sideshow titled “A Room of Your Own,” where participants can present their own focused topic in special sessions.

“Since BlogHer programmed panels typically feature universal topics discussed by diverse voices, the Room of Your Own sessions are the perfect place to dig deeper into any one corner of the blogosphere…its particular challenges, triumphs, concerns, issues. You can lead a discussion alone, or bring a panel of interesting speakers. There will be two full tracks (or 12 individual sessions) reserved for Room of Your Own sessions.”

Several of my blogging friends have submitted a session proposal, so go vote for them if it sounds interesting. They are all cool, smart people —

When Your Family is Your Blogstalker/Troll — SueBob

The Men of BlogHer — Avitable

Women and Humor — The Bloggess

How Much Info is TMI? — Miss Britt

Women of Color and Marketing — Heather B, Chookooloonks, and Mocha Momma

Long time readers of this blog know that I am obsessed with one day being a blogging big shot, to have all eyes on me, much like Indiana Jones was gazed upon by all the college girls in the opening scene in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” (if you don’t know the scene, it is right after the big action sequence, when he returns to his job as college professor).

Maybe this is my shot. To create my room of my own. But WTF would I talk about? WTF do I know? WTF is my specialty? WTF room would I like to attend myself?

I haven’t submitted it yet, but I am playing with this idea:

Topic: “Why Going to Blogging Conferences Could Be Dangerous To Your Creativity”

Most blogging advice that is presented at blogging conferences is about solving common problems. However, if everyone follows the same solutions, all of our blogs will become exactly the same, and the only true winner is the one who presented the advice.

That is why Jane Austen or Dante never went to a blogging conference.

This room is not about answers, but questions. Questions only you can answer for yourself. The more you question everything you hear at Blogher, and what you believe about “blogging,” the richer your blog and writing will become. Questioning what you hear will also better equip you for learning at a blogging conference. Rather than just consuming information, you will asking questions.

“What is your agenda? Why are you equipped to advise me? Why do I need more readers? How does this type of blogging help or hurt the community at large? Is obsessing over monetizing my blog smart or selfish? Are there ways to make blogging “fairer” and more inclusive? Is blogging really writing? How can I be nicer to others? Should I be nicer to others? Are you nice to others? Wouldn’t I be happier if I quit blogging?”

This room will present no answers. It will help you clarify you questions, make you more neurotic, and make you feel uneasy about your role in the blogging community.

And because of that, you will become a better blogger.

What do you think? Would only crazy people attend this?

The Circle of Life: My Final Mention of BlogHer in 2008

July 29, 2008 / / 24 Comments

 

The month began with me making plans to go to BlogHer with my free JCPenney/Dockers flight.   It turned out that JCPenney/Dockers found it easier to abandon their promotion, ruining hundreds of hard-working people’s vacations than commit to their deal.  JCPenney never returned my phone calls, and I ended up not going to Blogher. 

As I watched all the happy people in San Francisco wearing McDonald’s bags and eating cheeseburgers, I sat at my laptop and turned bitter.  I started ranting uncontrollably on my blog about this and that.  I stopped shaving and showering and eating.  Eventually, my own mother kicked me out onto the street, calling me a loser who can’t even get into the business or technology section of the New York Times.

But life has a funny way of turning things around!  Yes, it is the circle of life.  The two strands of the story have intertwined. The higher forces have found a way to unify. I now know the truth — the world is like it FOR A REASON.  While they too busy to answer my calls or compensating their disappointed customers, JCPenney has found time to give 20 BlogHer members each a $500 gift card  so these “BlogHer Reviewers” can shop the new Linden St. home furnishings line at JCPenney and write about it on their blogs. 

JCPenney and BlogHer — together at last!   …in the the circle of life!

More on the business of mommyblogging.

I Have a Dick, Just Like the Writers of Techcrunch

July 28, 2008 / / 65 Comments

My head was spinning from all the posts, and twitters, and comments over the weekend about the BlogHer article  in the Style section of the New York Times.  Most of the discussions were similar:

“Why do male bloggers get into the Business and Technology section while women bloggers are relegated to the Style page?”

There were numerous mentions of the patriarchial society, about how men are taken seriously and how women are belittled as mere mommybloggers.  Some women said that they were proud of their “girl” interests — it enabled them to start online businesses and to be courted by companies.  But — these women naturally wanted to be taken as seriously as the male bloggers who get into the Wall Street Journal.

I agree.  I’m all for an equal playing field.   Yea, women!   Is there any blogger out there who loves women more than me?  But many of the comments that I read — particularly by women — made me depressed.

First of all, I live in this patriarchal society, just like everyone else.  I have to deal with the stereotypes — the fact that technology, business, and politics are considered serious and manly pursuits.  How many self-deprecating jokes did I have to make on Twitter this weekend to hide the fact that I loved “Mamma Mia?”  While mommybloggers set up successful online networks, I have to explain to my male friends what I do as a blogger.  If I didn’t make up some practical reason — “hey, maybe I’ll get laid by one of the hot ones” — they would think I am wasting my time.

“How much money do you make on your blog” asked a friend recently.

“Uh, nothing.”

Weird looks of disdain.   I can’t even say I got even a free wii, like so many of you.

The patriarchal society affects me.

My readership is 90% women.  Why?  Because most men don’t give a crap about what my mother made for dinner last night.  Men read and write blogs about technology and business and politics.  These are the worthy pursuits for men.   To most men — there are the professionals and there are the hobbyists.  This is a clearcut hieararchy as tightly controlled as who gets into Guy Kawasaki’s private party at BlogHer.

What I found surprising this weekend was that so many women seem to think the same way.

Every time I saw a female blogger write the expression “male blogger” this weekend, it was a code name for “tech” or “political” bloggers like Techcrunch or Daily Kos.  It was as if these female bloggers had the exact same viewpoint about male blogging as the New York Times.  While “Female Blogging” represented a wide range of views, from writing about shoes, knitting, to talking politics, “male blogging” was still dressed in a suit and tie.   I read the term “male bloggers” countless times, not once described in a way that includes me.

Come on ladies, I know you are trying to win some power for yourself, but don’t use rhetoric that diminishes me.  Don’t say “male bloggers” when you really mean male tech bloggers or male business bloggers.

I am a male blogger.

Give men the freedom to expand their horizons in the same way you want for yourselves.

Is Male Personal Blogging Still a Radical Act? (BlogHim 08′ Recap)

July 20, 2008 / / 39 Comments

BlogHim 08′ in New York City was a phenomenal success.  Although we had no sponsors like Blogher, no swag (Dockers had promised to supply us with some free giveaways, but never came through), and received no attention from the media or kindly General Motors, we all had a great time meeting up with old blogging friends.  And isn’t that what blogging is all about?


Two male bloggers discussing ways to increase their readership.

BlogHim had no money to pay for a hotel conference room, so most of the sessions took place at Neil’s Coffee Shop on Lexington.  Participants really enjoyed the free coffee refills and the way the waiteress said “Be right with you, Hon.”

One of the most popular BlogHim sessions was about new ways for Daddybloggers to monetize their children.  There was a good deal of heated discussion.  Many men were angry that the Mommybloggers received all the free Wiis. 

“We just get the viagra ads” said one Daddyblogger.  “Why do marketers think that because we have children we can’t get it up anymore?”

Barry, a male “Alpha” blogger from Tennessee asked the one question that was on every Daddyblogger’s mind.  “What was the point of having children if you can’t make money off of them on your blog?”

But it was Andrew “TexasDad” who came up with the answer, inspiring the crowd with his keynote speech, “Why Daddyblogging is a Still a Radical. Act”

“We are men.  We must use our logical male minds and think out of the box!  Why go the same route as the the women?  Are we men or a bunch of pussies?  If we are unable to monetize our children with our daddyblogs, let’s follow another path.  Let’s force our children to run a marathon in Central Park when it is a 100 degrees outside and BET ON THEM like a horse race!”

It was just then that the Guy Kawasaki Challenge was born!

The daughters did us especially proud!  Some of us made a ton of money from the betting pool.

The highlight of the day was when the sons raced.   These young men are the underappreciated male personal bloggers of the future, so we pushed them extra hard.  Some of the more clever Daddybloggers even told their sons that they were going to abandon them and leave them in New York if they didn’t win!


It was hilarious to see how much pressure was put on the wimpier boys and to watch them fall in frustration!

The weekend consisted of one fabulous session after another, all catered to the male blogger.  On this weekend, we were ALL Alpha Male Bloggers:


Session One:  “Why You Should Never Share Anything with a Woman”


Session 2:  “Dog Pee is bad for the Environment, But Even Al Gore Pees in the Shower.”


Session 3:  “Question Authority”


Session 4:  “Why a Really Nice Piece of Ass is Better than a Good Humor Bar”

Thanks all!  See you Next Year at BlogHim 09!  Remember — Keep your chins up and your c*cks hard.   We are MEN!

Sex in the Male City (in honor of BlogHim ’08)

July 17, 2008 / / 34 Comments

New York City may have nine million residents, but it is a small town when it comes to meeting available women.  Or at least so it seems when we go out on the town. 

At a half past ten, I was dressed to the nines and entering Maxwell’s, located on the corner of Right Now And Everyone Was There.  On a normal night, I would never make it within ten feet of the velvet rope, but ropes seem to jump by themselves with a friend like Robb.  He is what Glenn would call “a trifecta” — a high-profile attorney, one of the Manhattan’s most eligible bachelors according to New York Magazine, and currently representing the daughter of the biggest real estate developer on the Upper East side, in a nasty divorce case that makes it to Page Six as frequently as she has gotten DUIs in the Hamptons.

So, there we were, in Maxwell’s, four attractive single men, Robb -the lawyer, Jake – the ultra-successful financial analyst, who never said no to a nice pair of legs, but always dropped her as fast as a T-bill in his money market account, Glenn – the former ballplayer, now a sought-after commercial artist, the only man I ever met who had slept with seven different women in one week, but who secretly would throw everything away just to become a stay at home dad, and me – the under-employed writer, currently living with his nice Jewish mother.

I spent much of the night thinking about Atlas, and how he struggled to hold the world up, despite his powerful arms.  What does friendship really mean to me and my friends?  Are we like four Atlases?    Would we always be there to help each other hold up our own little worlds? 

Of course, our conversation in Maxwell’s revolved less about Greek Mythology then our favorite topic — male shoes and fashion.

“Hey, Neil, my main man, are those Dockers you’re wearing?”  asked Glenn, admiring the fit.

“F**k no,” I answered.  “I wouldn’t wear those piece of sh*t pants again after the Docker/Levi Strauss Company screwed me with that “free flight” that ruined my going to BlogHer.”

A gorgeous model sashayed by, catching our attention.  This was not just any model.  This was Ashley Maran, the latest cover model in Vogue.  Our conversation quickly turned to our second favorite conversation — the fairer sex.

“I’m breaking up with Annie,” said Robb, batting first, hitting us with a foul ball.

None of us were surprised, but we were a bit sad — we actually liked Annie.  She was a Mets fan.  So, we pressed him for more info.

“One of the reasons I was initially attracted to her was because she is a dentist.  I figured — a dentist, oral sex, a perfect match.   But she gave the worst blowjobs I ever had.  How can you explain that?  She even used her teeth!”

We all cringed in pain.

“Didn’t they teach her about this in dental school?”

We all agreed that this was a legitimate reason for dumping her like a third-rate draft pick, even if she did like the Mets.

Jake had oral problems of his own.  Jake had been dating a busty stock broker from Goldman Sachs, and apparently she was bullish on him going down on her.

“That’s all she wants.  Apparentlly, she can only have an orgasm through oral sex.   I mean she’s been going to therapy for years because of this.”

We all agree that Jake was practically a Mother Theresa for sticking around with this woman for longer than he ever has with anyone else — nearly three weeks.

“You know me, I’m eager to help out.” said Jake.  “I drive you guys to the airport whenever you need me.  But not driving my c*ck between her thighs is torture. ”

Jake looked like he was near tears.  Robb gave him a sympathetic hug.

“I can’t sit there for two hours with my tongue doing all the work,” Jake continued.  “I’ve lost ten pounds this month because my jaw hurts so much, I’m too tired to chew any food.”

After we all consoled Jake, It was now Glenn’s turn on the witness stand.

“I sometimes wish I could just settle down, have a child, and become a stay at home daddy.”

For years, I never understood Glenn’s fantasy of being a SAHD.  Here he was, a big success with a fancy Soho condo, women up the wazoo – and he wants to throw it all away?  For what?  For dirty diapers and daddy blogging?   But New York can do that to you.  It gets at you.  It wears you down.

“I just want to meet the right woman.”  said Glenn, sighing.  “But it feels as if the only women over thirty in New York are either taken, unable to commit, lesbian, or trans-gendered men.”

“What about Lisa?” asked Jake. 

For the last month, Glenn had been seeing Lisa, the cute V.P of this hip new internet marketing firm in Chelsea.

She’s very passionate, but a little too short.” said Glenn.

“Short?  What are you talking about?” asked Jake.

“Well, I mean she’s compact.  She’s 5’2″, and when we are in bed… and I’m a big guy, so… uh…”

“Are you saying your d*ck is too big for her p*ssy?” asked Robb.

Glenn nodded.

“Has this ever happened to any of you?” he asked.

“Of course” we all said, nodding, as if this was a frequent problem in our lives.

Finally, it was my time to be grilled, like salmon filet at Tavern on the Green.  I could feel the guys looking at me as closely as they would a brunette’s tight ass as she climbed on the Stairmaster at the Crunch Gym in Tribeca.

“What about you, Neil?” asked Robb.  “You’ve been awfully quiet tonight.  You getting any action in Queens?”

I think it was Isaac Bashevis Singer who said, “The best stories come out of the daily experiences of your own life.”  So, I took the writer’s advice.

“Well, I went to McDonald’s for a cup of coffee and as I was drinking it, I got a major hard-on.”

“Was the girl at the counter really hot?” asked Jake.

“No,” I said.  “I think they just added too much sugar.”

After a long, uncomfortable pause, Glenn changed the subject.

“Have you heard from Ms. Big?” asked Glenn.

The others looked at each other, concerned.  Was it too soon to bring up the name of Ms. Big?

“I IM-ed with Sophia last night.  She’s in LA.”

They all were eager to know what she said.

“Well, she sent me this message: 

 “You should start seeing someone there.” 

I said, “A woman?” 

She wrote back, “A man or a woman.” 

I answered, “A man or a woman?!  I don’t get it.  Are you saying I should start seeing someone — like going on a date?” 

She said, “No.  I meant you should start seeing a therapist in New York.””

My three friends laughed.  But it was OK.  I know that if I were Atlas, and had to hold up the world with my skinny arms, they would be at my side, helping me carry the weight.

Update:  BlogHim 08′ recap

A Little Disappointed

July 17, 2008 / / 24 Comments

I am a little disappointed that I didn’t go to BlogHer.  I wish the real reason is that I felt too cool for it, like Woody Allen not going to the Oscars.   Or that the conference is really for women.  Or that all the marketing and networking is not my cup of tea.  When I sit down and think about it honestly, this is my theory:

I don’t feel emotional stable enough to deal with meeting a hundred people for the first time right now — all in one swoop.  I’d rather not meet some of you in person, then quickly chat with you for five minutes at a cocktail party before I move on to someone else.  It would just make me feel sad.

I met Caitlin and her husband, Billy, for pizza in Manhattan on Monday.  We talked for several hours, then took the subway together on our ways back home.  I really enjoyed that.

I chatted with SarcasticMom and Jane Devin last night.  I really enjoyed that. 

I dreamt about someone last night.  I really enjoyed that.

This weekend on Citizen of the Month:  Time again for the third annual BlogHim.  (BlogHim 2006, BlogHim 2007)

More Grouchy Rants About Corporations

July 12, 2008 / / 29 Comments

I thought I could come up with a funny post if I found out that Dockers/Levi Strauss — the company that was screwing me over with their fake free-flight promotion and making it difficult for me to go to BlogHer — was actually a sponsor of BlogHer.  Unfortunately, I struck out.   They’re not.

But — jeez, BlogHer has a lot of corporate sponsors on their website.  How much do each of them have to pay to get in on this?  It is nice that corporations are so willing to help their female customers.  I don’t want to be cynical and suggest it is all markeing.  But will these same companies be there when the products break down?  Or will you then be talking to Menuel from India on the phone?  Maybe companies should spend less money on social media experts and marketing to us on Twitter and conferences, and more on hiring customer service representatives.

Anyway, like I said, this would have been a funnier post if Dockers/JCPenney was a sponsor of BlogHer.  The only interesting tidbit I found out about BlogHer is that the major platinum sponsor of the San Franciso, California conference is General Motors, the company directly responsible for 30% of all carbon emissions in California. 

“This year’s sponsor line-up is a testament to top-tier brands realizing the necessity of reaching influential women who have shifted their attention to online sources of information and entertainment, and taking a proactive approach to reach them through our conference,” said Jory Des Jardins, BlogHer co-founder and president of strategic alliances. “BlogHer’s annual conference provides the perfect platform for marketers and advertisers to connect directly with consumers and create relationships with key influencers. The conference presents an opportunity to learn firsthand what these women are all about.”

Enjoy the fresh California air.

Luckily, there are some some corporations that do try hard to please their customers.  Over the past three years, I’ve received some very nasty comments from Olive Garden servers on my blog, all because of one 2005 post where Sophia and I discuss sharing the “unlimited soup and salad.”   I have been called “cheap,” “miserly,” “an asshole” and several names unfit to print.  After complaining to Olive Garden executive offices, I received a phone call from the CEO himself.  He was “shaking in his boot,” to use the old term, knowing the far reach of “Citizen of the Month.”

Olive Garden CEO:  “What can I do for you to make this up to you?  Your sarcastic comments about our fake Italian atmosphere and cheapo wine is killing our business!  I can give you a special VIP card that will give unlimited free soup and salad bars for the rest of your life!  How about that?”

Neil:  “I do enjoy your minestrone soup, but how many times in a week can any one person go to Olive Garden?  That VIP card would get as much use as my 24-Hour Fitness Card.”

Olive Garden CEO:  “Name your price.  I know you are big in the mommyblogger community.  Our franchises are half-empty because of your power.”

Neil:  “I don’t want your money.  If anything, the rudeness didn’t come from the corporate offices, but from the Olive Garden servers themselves.  I know some of them need this job to work their way through their community colleges, but they were the ones who called me those horrible names on my blog.

Olive Garden CEO:  “I’m sure we could figure out a way for the Olive Garden servers to make it up to you in a reasonable manner.”

Neil:  “Actually, I do have an idea.”

Several months later, Playboy published this pictorial.

While I respect Olive Garden for their responsive customer service, and admit that some of their servers are cute (but probably too young for me), your restaurant still sucks.

Update:  Just wanted to add that this Playboy pictorial, “Girls of Olive Garden” is true.  Kendra Wilkinson, one of Hugh Hefner’s “girlfriends,” loves Olive Garden so much, she suggested this idea to “Hef.”

Here is a video of Kendra talking about her favorite restaurant. The only reason I include it here is to fight against the fallacious stereotype that Playboy bunnies are really stupid.   In fact, if Olive Garden sponsored BlogHer next year, I wouldn’t be surprised to see her as one of the speakers on the “Monetizing Your Video Blog” panel.

My Conversation with TLC Marketing Customer Service

July 9, 2008 / / 97 Comments

After a day of phone calls, I finally was able to get TLC Marketing (or at least some guy in India) on the telephone to discuss the Dockers JCPenneys Free Round-Trip fiasco  (see last post).

Neil:  I’m calling about the Dockers Free Round Trip Ticket… I still haven’t heard back from you.

TLC Marketing:  Yes, did you fill out the form?

Neil:  I filled out the form a long time ago.  I received a phone call saying everything was OK.

TLC Marketing:  Then, you will be receiving a call from the booking agent.

Neil:  When will I get this call?

TLC Marketing:  You will get be receiving a call from the booking agent.

Neil:  When?  I’m supposed to have a flight on July 16th.

TLC Marketing:  The booking agent will…

Neil:  Can I give you my name and you can look it up in the computer?  Maybe you can tell me when I will get this call.

TLC Marketing:  I do not have access to individual records.  You will be receiving a call from the booking agent…

Neil:  When?   In the brochure, it clearly states that I will receive a call two week after you receive the form.

TLC Marketing:  You will be receiving…

Neil:  When?!  My flight is next week already…

TLC Marketing:  Those with completed forms will be receiving a call from the booking agent starting on July 22nd.

Neil:  On July 22nd?

TLC Marketing:  Starting on July 22nd, you can negotiate your booking.

Neil:  What?!  My flight is supposed to be on July 16th. 

TLC Marketing:  You can negotiate it with the booking agent.

Neil:  How am I going to negotiate my July 16th flight with the booking agent on July 22nd?

TLC Marketing:  That’s something you can negotiate with the booking agent.

Neil:  Is there a supervisor around?

TLC Marketing:  All the supervisors are busy.

Neil:  I’ll wait.

TLC Marketing:  The supervisors are unable to take any calls today.  You will need to wait to speak with the booking agent.

Neil:  And what am I supposed to do now?  I asked for a flight on July 16th.

TLC Marketing:  You can negotiate it with the booking agent.

Neil:  No.  It doesn’t work that way.  I can talk to the booking agent on July 22nd, but I cannot negotiate my July 16th flight with the booking agent on July 22nd?  Do you understand what I’m talking about.  The flight is on July 16th.  The call is on July 22nd.

TLC Marketing:  I only know that the booking agent will negotiate…

Neil:  So, I WON’T be getting my flight for July 16th?

TLC Marketing:  I cannot say that.  You can negotiate…

Neil:  Why can’t you say that?

TLC Marketing:  That is something to negotiate…

Neil:  Negotiate what?  There is no POSSIBILITY that I will get a flight for July 16th on July 22th.  Do you have a calendar in front of you?

TLC Marketing:  Yes, I do.

Neil:  So, you understand that I will NOT get my flight on July 16th.

TLC Marketing:  I am not saying that.  This is something you can negotiate…

Neil:  Is this being recorded?

TLC Marketing:  Yes.

Neil:  What is your name?

TLC Marketing:  Menuel.

Neil:  Manuel?

TLC Marketing:  Menuel.

Neil:  Manual?

TLC Marketing:  Menuel.

Neil:  Can you spell that?

TLC Marketing:  M-e-n-u-e-l.

Neil:  And this is TLC Marketing?

TLC Marketing:  Corrrect.

Neil:  So, Menuel of TLC Marketing — you are telling me that there is a possibility that I still might receive a flight for July 16th when I receive my phone call on July 22nd?

TLC Marketing:  You can negotiate it with the booking agent at the time.

Neil:  Can we talk — just between me and you.  I won’t get my flight on July 16th, will I?

TLC Marketing:  This is something to negotiate with the booking agent

Neil:  C’mon, Menuel.  I understand that I will negotiate with the booking agent on July 22nd.  But it will not be about my flight on July 16.  That is literally IMPOSSIBLE except in Hollywood movies.  Do you understand?

TLC Marketing:  The booking agent…

Neil:  Forget the booking agent.  Just me and you.  Do YOU see it as possibility that I might still get my flight for July 16 on July 22?

TLC Marketing:  I am not a booking agent  That is who you will negotiate…

Neil:  Can I speak to a booking agent then?

TLC Marketing:  The booking agent will call you on July 22nd.

Neil:  So, let me say this one more time, so the recording can hear this.  You, Menuel, a hired and paid employee of TLC Marketing, and a representative of the company, is telling me that no one can tell me whether or not I will be getting my July 16th flight to San Francisco until July 22nd, when I will receive a phone call from a booking agent where I can then negotiate, and still possibly get my flight to San Francisco on July 16, even though it happened to leave six days earlier?

CLICK

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