Don’t be a bully. For purely selfish reasons. In the past, there were actually some advantages to being a bully. You could get what you want, and after graduation, you would never encounter your victims again. But now, in the age of Facebook, these bitter adults will passive-aggressively “friend” you 25 years later just to torment you back, forcing you to listen to their endless updates about their therapy sessions on “self-esteem.”
It is only in porno films that the hot social studies teacher wants to have sex with any of her dorky male high school students. Don’t waste your time. Study for your SAT instead.
Here’s another lie. You will NEVER use geometry in real life. The whole subject is included in the curriculum because of a massive lobbying effort from the American Geometry Association.
Sure, dancing the “Tarentela” with Jamie Schwartz at the Third Grade Ethnic Dance festival will seem “gross” in third grade, but just wait until you see a photo of her in a bikini 30 years later. Your perception of the event will change forever.
If you are going to skip a class to hang out a Dairy Queen, at least skip gym class. No one really cares about gym class.
If you can afford it, do not take the school bus to school. If you must use the school bus, good luck. And also remember the words of Kelly Clarkson, “What Doesn’t Kill You, Makes You Stronger.”
Never say to yourself, “I can’t wait until I’m out of high school so I don’t have to deal with all these cliques and popularity contests.” Ha, Ha. That’s so funny, I don’t think I even have to explain this one.
Real adults don’t drink beer or smoke cigarettes to be cool. Real adults drink coffee.
Your sex education teacher will never tell you the most important piece of information for your future sexual happiness — you and your sexual partner will mostly argue over the dishes.
If your mother gives you good cookies in your lunch box, share it with others. Friends are the most important part of school.
Don’t tell your parents EVERYTHING. It’s none of their business.
Enjoy playing with blocks in kindergarten. It’s all downhill from there.
Become the editor of your yearbook. It will help you in the future.
If you cheat, you are only cheating yourself. But if you cheat successful, for a very long time, you become a CEO.
Your parents are hypocrites in everything they tell you, but listen to them anyway.
The school nutritionist is not paid by the school district. She is an employee of the Monsanto Corporation. You will not understand the importance of this until you are older, but take note of it now.
Girls will always be two years ahead of boys in social maturity, and this will never change.
What sneaker you wear to school is more important than what car your parents drive.
When writing your report on the “People of Cuba,” remember to change every fifth word as you plagiarize Wikipedia.
Your teacher doesn’t like your parents any more than you do.
One day, in the future, you will meet a woman at a party. She will be drunk, her blouse open to her navel, and ranting about President Obama being a Muslim. She will tell you that she is a third grade teacher. Your life will suddenly pass in front of your eyes. You will wonder about every single teacher who ever inspired you, and the fact that you never really “knew them” as individuals. You will question the fundamental ideas of knowledge, education, and personal identity.
And finally, the hardest lesson for you to accept, so better you learn it now — School NEVER ENDS.