the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: advice

The Master Advice-Giver

This might surprise you, but others come to me seeking advice on life issues, and I am known to be “brilliant” in helping people make decisions.  That is odd, isn’t it?  It makes me wonder about the personal lives of those who write advice columns.  Or even more so, therapists.

It is so much easier to fix the problems of others. The fixer is dispassionate, and approaches the issues with common sense, like a Mr. Spock.   He is not fighting with himself.

Probably my greatest skill as advice-giver is that I don’t belittle your indecisiveness. I might laugh at you, but it is one of recognition, like the klutz guffawing at the clumsy person tripping over his own shoelaces.  I am fully aware that you will listen to whatever I say with confidence, nod you head, then immediately do something different.  It is the absurdity of this fucked up cat and mouse game that makes me laugh.   It is so human.    You will eventually get it.   Or die trying.

If you ever need advice, come to me.  I’m a master advice-giver.  Which should tell you a lot about my own personal life.

Ask the Amateur Sexologist (NSFW)

(my bed at home)

Every morning, after a few rounds of morning sex with one of my always-satisfied lovers, I turn on my computer and read my email.  My in-box is always stuffed with questions from men seeking advice about problems they are having in the bedroom.

Here’s a typical email:

Dear Neilochka,

I’ve heard so many stories of how you’re able to give a woman multiple orgasms simply by looking into her eyes.   What is the secret to becoming such a sexual legend?   Please help!

Sexless in Seattle

Many of these emails are from married men.  Although they are still very much in love with their spouses, much of the sexual spark has dwindled as married life (children, work, and taxes)  has taken a negative effect on their stamina and libido.

I’m often finding myself repeating the famous “Neilochka Rules for Pleasuring a Woman Each and Every Time”:

1)  Commitment
2)  Concentration
3)  Caring
4)  Excellent Singing Voice

Of course, it would take years for the typical man to reach the “Super Lover” status of someone like myself.  But let me be honest with you — my advanced techniques and superior hand to eye coordination don’t always work out for my own benefit.  

Recently, I had brought a lady friend back to my apartment with the aim of seducing her.  But one look in her eyes as I sang the chorus from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and she was having several orgasms.   And what about me?  By the time I was undressed, she was blissfully asleep.

Despite the drawbacks, I am proud of my utter confidence in the bedroom.  And I’m always willing to give tips to other men who need help.  Sometimes, when I hear about a couple having severe sexual problems, I request that they both meet me in my office (the IHOP on Wilshire Blvd.)

Last week, I met with Matt and Alice Weinberger, a successful and friendly married couple living in Encino, California.   Matt runs a popular blog titled “Married but Horny.”  Alice writes about her yo-yo dieting and her unhappy marriage in her blog “Overweight and Underf*****d.”

After we ordered our pancakes, we started our session.

It was clear from the body language of the couple that Matt and Alice’s lovemaking had gone stale. 

Alice, a sweet-faced schoolteacher at Anaïs Nin Junior High, said:

 “Fucking Matt is as dull as teaching a first period geography class.” 

Matt, an executive with the Mrs. Paul’s Corporation retorted that:

 “Alice is as frigid in bed as a frozen fish stick.”

“At least one of us is always hard,” blasted Alice, attacking Matt in one of his sensitive areas. 

I knew this was going to be a challenge, but I saw that underneath all the hostility in their words was a couple that truly loved each other.   And when I looked into Alice’s eyes and saw her turn beet red, I knew that achieving multiple orgasms was not a problem for this devoted schoolteacher.   All she needed was for Matt to step up to the bat, so to speak.  But how was I going to give Matt the secret key to unleash the passion of his own wife?

I asked them to both to close their eyes and meditate.  Luckily, “Afternoon Delight” by the Starland Vocal Band was on the IHOP sound system, putting everyone into a contemplative mood.  I asked both Matt and Alice to think back to their earlier, more carefree days.  Before they got married.  Back when they were dating.  Back when passion was still in the air.  Back to the summer of 1999.

Matt started telling me about how they first met:

“I had just started working at the Mrs. Paul’s company when they had a big Fourth of July company picnic.  I didn’t know too many people, so I started talking to this pretty girl who was on line with me, waiting for the salmon burgers to be grilled.  She said her name was Alice.  She was studying to be a teacher.  She said she came with a friend as “a goof.”  But I have a feeling that she was really there checking out the guys.”

“Oh, Matt,” said Alice, embarrassed.  “You’re awful!”

“But it was the truth, wasn’t it?”  asked Matt, laughing.  “All of a sudden, my boss made an announcement that they were going to start playing games, so I asked Alice if she wanted to be my partner in the potato sack race.”

“That was so much fun,” said a smiling Alice, reminiscing.  “We did the potato sack race, then we did the egg in spoon race, and then we did the wheelbarrow race.  Remember that, Matt?  Remember how we won the wheelbarrow race!”

“Perfect!” I yelled, standing.  “I’ve found your solution!”

“You have?” asked Matt.

“Absolutely,” I replied, as I opened up my sex manual.  “You just need to get back in touch with those feeling you had when you first met.  The excitement.  The rush to the head.  I have the solution that will solve all your sex problems and make your marriage blossom again!” 

“How?!” they both asked, excitedly.

“Viva La Wheelbarrow!” I shouted, as I showed them the photo.

Yes, indeed.  A week later, I received a letter from Matt and Alice, saying their sex life is better than ever — back the way it was before they got married.

Another happy couple thanks to Neilochka, Amateur Sexologist!

Questions on my Mind


As someone who loved going to school, September was my favorite month.  I would buy new clothes, a new notebook, new pens.  It was a new beginning.  Maybe because the Jewish New Year was also usually early in September, it always felt more like "the new year" than January 1.  It was a time to take stock of yourself and to think about the future. 

Lately, my mind has been flooded with random questions.  At times, I feel bogged down with all these thoughts.   Then I realized — what am I worrying about — I am a blogger!  I now know other bloggers.  Let me put my concerns on their shoulders and have them worry for me!

You’re a motley crew — some married, some single, some young, some old, some straight, some gay, some liberal, some conservative, some Americans, some foreigners, some just plain crazy.  If I just throw out some odd things on my mind, maybe someone will have an answer to one or more of the questions, and help me ease my mind.   Feel free to do the same on your blog, because I’d love to help you answer your own burning questions about life.

1.   Sometimes I forget my grammar while blogging, like where to put the apostrophe.    Does anyone recommend that popular book on puncutation,  Eats, Shoots, and Leaves?

2.   I haven’t smoked pot since I was fifteen years old.  If I wanted to try it with Sophia, where do adults buy pot?

3.   Has anyone actually found a new job by using or Hot Jobs?

4.   When you work as a freelance editor or designer, how much money do you ask up front?

5.   Do you read other blogs one by one, or do you use an aggregator like Bloglines?

6.   Now that I’m a bachelor again, is there a good website for simple, easy recipes for meals for one person?

7.   Can I consider Heinz ketchup a vegetable?

8.   Would it be smart to buy a hybrid car now or wait until the technology is perfected?

9.   Are there any vitamins that you consider essential to take every day for your health?

10.  What is your favorite hotel to stay in at Las Vegas?

11.  What is the best time to visit Paris?

12.  Which is a good ski resort to go to for someone who has never skied before?

13.  What is the best oatmeal?

14.  If I want to buy a gift for my friend’s 8 month old baby, would I buy the clothes to fit now or the next size up so he’ll grow into it? 

15.  If I were swimming at Santa Monica Beach and I saw a shark, what would be the first thing I would do?

16.  Are those new N-routers for wireless internet really any faster?

17.  Are those ‘natural light’ lamps that they sell at ‘The Sharper Image’ a waste of money?

18.  Does anyone actually have an ergonomically correct computer set-up?

19.  What type of flowers do women like to get on a date?

20.  Do you feel guilty if you do an illegal download of a song?

21.  How do people dust in those hard to reach places?

22.  How do you motivate yourself to go to the gym three times a week?

23.  With so many books out there, how do you choose what book to read next?

24.  Should I contact my former agent and think about writing for TV again, or should I try something new?

25.  If Sophia and I divorce and start dating other people, will they be uncomfortable if we are still good friends?

26.  If I lie outside on my terrace naked,  would I actually put sunscreen on my penis?

27.  If I took a potential job offer in New York, would I miss my car and a bigger apartment for 1/2 the price?

28.  After a job interview, do you send a thank you note in the mail or an email?

29.  Is Direct TV really cheaper than cable?

30.  Will I ever be able to buy a home in California or should I move somewhere else?

31.  Is a mojito as good as they say?

32.  I’ve never had a one-night stand.   When I am older, will I regret never having this experience?

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