Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Author: Neil Kramer (Page 120 of 187)

There Are More Black People on American Idol than in the Entire City of Portland

March 15, 2007 / / 41 Comments

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1)  There are more black people on American Idol than in the entire city of Portland.  

I like Portland.  It looks like an Edward Hopper painting, a little dark and depressed.  The city is chock full of old neon signs and from the outside, the city seems like it hasn’t changed in fifty years (although the old tannery is now a trendy bistro)…. but maybe the city has TOO much of a 1950’s feel.   I’ve never seen so many white faces in my life.  On Thursday night, we went to a jazz club that Ellen Bloom recommended called Jimmy Mak’s and saw one black guy, the sax player in a fifteen piece band.  That’s ONE black guy in a Jazz Band, in a Jazz Club, in an entire city, in four days!

2)  We’ve met Portland’s finest bloggers.

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Lani and Patry (photo stolen from Lani because mine was too dark)

After meeting the charming Chantel at Tequilacon, we made it a mission to meet other Portland bloggers.  We had dinner with blogging friend Alexandra (who baked us some delicious cake) and then attended a literary salon at the home of the uber-talented writer/illustrator Lani.   The meeting was in honor of Cape Cod-based blogger Patry, who is on tour promoting her first novel, The Liar’s Club.   It was inspirational hearing Patry talk about her book, which I can’t wait to read.  Laini also talked about her forthcoming book, Faeries of Dreamdark.   It was wonderful hearing about the successes of fellow bloggers!  (Yeah, right.  I hate them!)

3)  It is official.  Sophia has the “X” factor.

I drive as slow as an old woman.  Sophia drives like a Nascar racer.  She was stopped TWICE by the Oregon highway patrol, but both times she was let go WITH just a WARNING!   Why does that never happen to me?

4)  Sophia and I are punching each other.

Danny’s daughter, Leah, taught us a driving game that is more current than “Geography.”  I forget what it is called, but you basically can punch the other person whenever you see a Volkswagen Beetle.  The score so far:  Sophia – 7, Neil – 3.

5)  High culture — feh!

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We’re currently staying in Ashland, Oregon, which is a cute little town in the Southern part of the state.  We’re staying at this offbeat hundred-year old hotel that looks like something out of “The Shining.”  The main excitement in town is that it is the home to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.    So, what did we see at the Shakespeare festival?  A bad Tom Stoppard farce.  However, tonight, there is Shakespeare playing at the Shakespeare festival , but we are choosing to go to the Oregon Cabaret Theater to see some dumb little musical called “Men on Ice,” about a fishing hole in Milwaukee.

6)  Water.

We’ve seen a lot of water — the ocean, lakes,rivers and creeks.  Being a Pisces, I should like water, but Sophia is the one who’s always dragging me to drive an hour and a half to see some creek.  We had a long discussion today, and decided that rivers and creeks are the coolest of all bodies of water.

7)  Soap Opera to Go.

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Sophia and I keep up with “All My Children” via our nifty “Hava” machine plugged into our DVR at home.

8)  We’re not done yet.

Tomorrow, we are off to San Francisco — and meeting more bloggers.

Accepting Gifts

March 12, 2007 / / 43 Comments

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My father was a generous man, but he didn’t enjoy accepting gifts.  He was the eldest of three brothers and always felt like the “responsible” one.  Because of this, I stopped giving gifts to him after I graduated elementary school.  Now I am thinking it had nothing to do with him being responsible, but rather with his inability to accept from others without feeling uncomfortable.  I must say that I’ve been partially afflicted with the same malady, so a special thank you to Sophia and all of you for giving me this wonderful shock treatment.

I’ve gotten great joy from the cards and gifts that you sent to me for my Sophia-created birthday extravaganza.   This must be what a minor celebrity feels like.  I hear that there’s still more booty waiting for me at Danny’s house that I haven’t even seen yet, so if I don’t thank you just yet, it’s not that I’m rude, but that I haven’t seen what you sent yet.

So far, the cards and gifts that I have seen have been more than wonderful — they will help me become a better blogger.    This is because what I received are things every blogger needs.   In fact, they perfectly fit in to the categories of “The Twelve Necessities of Power Blogging,” an idea I set forth in my upcoming book, “The Blogger’s Secret:  How to Blog and Make Zero Dollars.”

1)  Every blogger needs links, both for ego-gratification and to prove to your spouse that what you are doing is “important.” 

And what is the real-world equivalent of seeing a new link on Technorati?   Receiving a birthday card! So, thank you, Two Roads, Alexandra, Question Girl, Becky, Noel, Lefty, Nelumbo,  Leezer, Rhea, Eileen, Jocelyn, Irina, Michele, Bella, Don’t Call Me Sir, Zoely, Claire (with bookmark!), Postmodern Sass,  and Colorful Prose.

2)  Every blogger needs material to steal from.  

Where would blogging be without cutting and pasting from other writers? 

Thank you for all the excellent reading material I can steal post ideas from!   I can’t wait to read the books (thank you, Communicatrix for “Red Pez”, Everyday Goddess for “Snowflakes,”  Karl for the funniest book he’s ever read, Old Lady of the Hills for “Free to Choose,” Lynnster for “Blog Marketing,” and Nancy French for “Red State.”), the comic books (thank you, Richard), the magazine SUBSCRIPTIONS!  (thank you, Mr. Fabulous for Mental Floss, NSC for The National Review [were you and Sophia in cahoots?], Buzzgirl for Popular Science, Leesa for The New Yorker, Jurgen Nation for the Writer), and even newspaper SUBSCRIPTIONS! (thank you, Hilly for the Los Angeles Times).

3)  Every blogger needs something cool to write on. 

I write by hand, so I appreciate the very useful and beautiful notebooks (thank you Deezee, PocketCT, and Blundering American).   And what could be better to write with than a pencil from the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam (thank you, Ash).   The pencil will always remind me NOT to cut off my ear when I am frustrated with typing in those codes on Blogger sites.

4)  Every blogger needs exercise. 

Sitting all day in front of the computer is bad for you health.   Thank you for the Kundalini Yoga DVD (Kapgar) and the pedometer (Albert).  I’m hoping that yoga will help me do some of those crazy sexual positions you always read about where the man is holding the woman upside down with his toe.

5)  Every blogger needs nourishment, particularly the essential nutrients in candy and beer.

Hello, amazing chocolate from the best shops in Belgium.   Good-bye Hershey’s from Kmart!  (thank you, V-Grrrl and Javacurls).  I love me some delicious homemade candy (thanks Fresh New Hell).  Chewing gum is always good to clear the mind (thanks Spinning Girl).  And a big woo-hoo for the beautifully packaged bottles of Chicago’s best beer! (thank you, EEK)

6)  Every blogger needs to be stylish.

No matter how good a writer you are, no one will accept you as a “real” blogger unless you have the right “look.”  Top bloggers are now hiring fashion consultants to create an image for themselves, like “The Chic Knitting Blogger.”  Luckily, I have YOU to help me create a unique blogger fashion statement.   I like to present myself as a pseudo-intellectual, one who dabbles in bohemian poetry.  That’s why I’m so excited to get my own wool scarf, lovingly hand-knit by famed LA ukulele player/bitchin’ knitter, Ellen Bloom (thank you, Ellen).   Not only will the scarf be trendy as hell at poetry readings, but it has already kept me warm here in rainy Portland.  

Since my blog is popular with hipsters and hardcore rappers, it is important that I maintain my “street cred.”   On the street, we like to wear t-shirts celebrating cool cities, but NEVER the city that you actually live it.  That would be as lame as admitting that you listened to Vanilla Ice.   Now, I can sit at Starbucks with my laptop winning approving nods from the chick as they check out my t-shirts from Detroit Rock City (thank you, Alissa and Evan), Latin-infused Miami (thanks, Orieyenta), and Milwaukee (thank you, Psychotoddler).

Fashion today is all about “branding,” and I have — what else — started my own line of “Kramer” baseball caps.  (thank you, Pearl for the cool cap– and your poem, of course)

When I’m not out on the town, I’m home blogging in my old purple bathrobe.  Since there was a bit of dispute with Sophia over this bathrobe, I’m glad to say that I now have a BRAND NEW purple bathrobe!  How generous.  (thank you, Deanna).  And the matching handmade washcloth goes perfectly with the bathrobe.  (thank you, Katie).

Even my Penis got some attention from you, thanks to this shirt that I will proudly wear the next time I have a big interview (see above photo). (thank you, Mo)

7)  Every blogger needs creative inspiration.

There are those days when you just draw a blank and need to look at some artwork to give you a jolt.  Now I have my Muses - sexy, creative women in touch with their inner Athena.  I feel honored to hang your artwork on my bedroom wall (thanks Margaret and Stepping Over Junk).   I have a beautiful homemade quilt to now hang next to my computer (thank you, Caron).  I will cherish the photos of budding professionals and hang them in the living room.  (thank you, Finn).  And thank you, Nance, for that very personal literary journal from your school.

8)  Every blogger needs music to listen to while he blogs.

My musical taste is pretty pedestrian, ruined by my years of listening to Casey Kasem’s America’s top 40.   Now I have a homemade “blogging CD” containing the hippest music from Europe.  A Lou Reed song in French — now I’ve heard it all!  (thank you, Lauren)

9)  Every blogger needs to love technology and gadgets.

You never know when Spielberg is going to call wanting to turn your blog into a 300 million dollar film starring Leonardo DeCaprio as YOU.  That means your cell phone always has to be ready for action.  Now it can be with my new emergency phone charger!  (thank you, A Take on the World)

10)  Every blogger needs to have a sense of humor.

Blitz Kreig’s “gag gift” was hilarious.  He sent me a tool set!   It was a joke, right?   Before I use it, you will have to fly out here and tell me what a “tool” is.

11)  Every blogger needs distractions.

Blogging is strenuous work.  Even a professional like me needs to take some time away from the rat race of the blogosphere and unwind.  I love taking a long walk from my office chair to my living room couch to watch movies on DVD.  I’m looking forward to watching “The Illusionist.”  (thank you, blog date Tamar).    Sometimes, a movie isn’t enough and a blogger wants some human interaction.  That’s why I really appreciate getting that one bar of soap shaped like a breast with a nipple.  (thanks, Doris)  This is one of the first times in my life that I am hoping that someone sends me an exact duplicate of a birthday gift.  

12)  Every blogger needs good luck.

One link from Dooce and your career is set.  One photo of you naked with Paris Hilton will get you on Gawker.  From then on, you will be a blogging hero and 1% of the population will know your name.   I believe in luck.  That’s why I was so excited to get lottery tickets from other states and countries (thank you Daisy and Better Safe than Sorry).

Now, I know many of you have taken a liking to Sophia, perhaps even loving her more than me.  I don’t want to sound jealous or anything, but I want you to read the following as proof that I am the one who is truly on your side —

(after opening an envelope with a lottery ticket)

Neil:  “Look at this.  A lottery ticket from Canada!”

Sophia:  “How funny.”

Neil:  “Imagine if I actually won millions of dollars.  I could share it with everyone who sent me a card or gift.”

Sophia:  “Like **&% you will!”

See?…  Who loves you, baby?  It’s ME, not HER.

THANK YOU to everyone who participated in the Carnival of Neilochka, including blogging pals Jules , Roberta, Ascender, and Introspectre.

THANK YOU Ms. Sizzle and Dave for your greetings at Tequilacon.

And Special Love to Danny, Colleen, and of course — Sophia.

(all links will be added later, you link whores.  I have no patience right now.  I’m supposed to be on vacation!)

One Month Later:  Happy now?

Tequilacon

March 11, 2007 / / 30 Comments

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Jessica, Sophia, Neil

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Neil and Hilly

Yes, Tequilacon is over.   I got to meet a whole lot of amazing bloggers.

Yes, Sophia was there.

Yes, everyone liked her more than me. 

There was alcohol.  There was stick-on tatoos.  Sophia received a tattoo of a tiger on her cleavage.  Bloggers forgot my name.

The event took place in a converted school that is now a trendy hotel/bar.  It is not surprising that I reverted back to my elementary school days — I was intimidated by the girls and enjoyed hanging out with the boys.   It was an honor to meet such cool guys as Dave, Karl, Dustin, Mad William, Vahid, and others.  I was even shocked that my long-time evil nemesis, Brandon of the the defunct One Child Left Behind, is actually a sweet, interesting guy.

The girls were another problem.   In one room were gathered some of the most gorgeous, glamorous, and intelligent women of the blogosphere — Jenny, Jessica, Postmodern Sass, Hilly, Ms. Sizzle, Jill, Kimberly, Adena, Stacy, Communicatrix, Sibyl, Chantel, and others.  Without one glass of tequila, I was getting drunk on the sensuous scent of female bloggers’ pheremones.  Luckily, this being a former school, there was a shower in the men’s room!  Three or four times during the evening, I had to slip away from the group and take a quick cold shower to enable me to continue chatting with others without me drooling like a crazed lecher.

I know it sounds a little ridiculous to some of you to drive all the way to Portland to meet a few bloggers, but it was totally worth it.    I can’t wait to meet the rest of YOU.

My one concern about meeting a blogger is that it makes it difficult to go back to reading his blog, which is a pale imitation of the real three-dimensional person.  It almost makes reading his blog irrelevant.   So, while it was great meeting all of you last night, I think it is only appropriate to now delete you from my blogroll.  Thanks…

A Highlight of the Trip

March 10, 2007 / / 10 Comments

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The highlight of our trip so far was stopping at Port Orford, childhood home of bloggers Erin and Echo, and literally meeting half the town. Sophia and I learned so much dirt about these two. I wonder if they are still as wild as they were in high school? This is your life, Erin and Echo! Do you remember working shifts at the Seaweed Cafe?!

Sophia: “This is the ‘highlight’ of the trip? What about the majestic redwoods?”

Neil’s Penis: “I was not impressed.”

Neil: “Why not, Penis?”

Neil’s Penis: “Everyone always talks about how big they are, but it isn’t size that is important, it’s how long you stay up.

Sophia: “Didn’t you read the tourbook, Penis? Some of those redwoods have been standing up for a thousand years.”

Neil’s Penis: “Oh. Well, I guess that is impressive.”

Neil: “Don’t you think we should tell everyone that we have made it to Portland?”

Sophia: “I think it is time you wrote thank you notes for all your gifts.”

Neil: “I’m overwhelmed! The trip… the birthday greetings… meeting bloggers…”

Sophia: “Are you still nervous over whether of not to hug people when you meet them?”

Neil: “I do get a little anxious in crowds.”

Neil’s Penis: “Is Ms. Sizzle going to be there?

Neil: “I think so!”

Neil’s Penis: “You have to hug her.”

Neil: “You’re right. I do consider her to be somewhat sort of a friend.”

Neil’s Penis: “I don’t care about that! Have you seen those photos of her cleavage?”

Sophia: “sigh…”

On the Road

March 8, 2007 / / 37 Comments

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1)  Oregon doesn’t have any self-service gas stations.  This provided Sophia and me with a good topic of discussion while driving along the coast.  We wondered if there was a powerful service station union in Oregon that doesn’t want attendants to lose their jobs.  We were also unsure if we were supposed to tip the guy after he “fills you up?”

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2)  Last night, we stayed in Gold Beach, Oregon, a quiet beach community on the coast.   There’s not much doing there.  After dinner in a coffee shack “where the locals eat,” we were driving to our “rustic cottage” motel room when Sophia saw a car stuck in a ditch off the road, sticking out at a 45 degree angle.  A pair of feet was hanging out the door. 

Sophia said we should go over and help.   I didn’t want to get involved, but Sophia yelled at me. 

“What if he’s hurt?!  There’s a person in there!”

I drove over, but kept my distance.  It was dark and no one else was around.

“Hello.  Are you all right?”  I asked.   “Hello!  Do you need help?”

A sixty year old man stepped out out of the car.  He was bearded and wore an eye patch.  I know you think I am making this up, but I’m not!  He was creepy as hell and staggered towards us.  He almost pressed his face right up the window, freaking me out.  I would have driven off, but Sophia seemed intent on helping him. 

“Do you want us to call 911?” she asked.

He mumbled something.  I could smell that he was drunk.

Sophia called 911.  I quickly drove to the other side of the street.  Within five minutes, three fire engines and four police cars showed up at the scene.  It must have been the biggest event in town all month.

3)  This morning, I woke up early and was reading some of the posts that bloggers wrote for my birthday.   I felt bad that I haven’t thanked everyone because it is hard keeping up with blogging while on the road.  I told Sophia I had an idea.

“Maybe I should take a photo of our beautiful view of the ocean from our window, so other bloggers can feel that they are here with us.”

“Boring.”

“Maybe you can take a photo of me looking out at the ocean.”

“You’re naked.”

“It’ll be funny.  I’m always asking for naked photos of THEM!”

“I’m not taking a naked photo of you.”

I’ll be facing away from you.”

“What about your ass?”

“I can cover it up later, with Photoshop.  I can make some joke about it being my “birthday suit.”

“OK, if that’s what you want.”

I opened the glass patio door and stepped outside, not realizing that we shared our patio with our neighbors.

“Oops, sorry.” I said to the elderly couple next door that I had just flashed.

There’s More?

March 7, 2007 / / 30 Comments

Thank you everyone who wrote something for my birthday.  I certainly didn’t expect THIS.  Your kindness is even better than getting any naked photos.  Special thanks to Colleen for setting up “my” carnival.  I’m blushing from all the attention. 

Sophia sends a message as well:  “When I started this Plan, one of you wrote me that I “could use some good PR…”  🙂
It’s been great getting to know you a little through this.  Thanks for being such good co-conspirators.” 

We’re in Eureka, CA and heading for Oregon today.  It is raining, but luckily we have our rain gear!

Mendocino to Eureka

March 7, 2007 / / 30 Comments

 Mendocino Botanical Gardens —

The only botanical gardens in America looking over the ocean.

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Glass Beach, Fort Bragg —

We heard about this famed Glass Beach in Fort Bragg.  Supposedly, years ago, residents used to throw their bottles and glassware into the ocean.  Mother Nature fought back and spit the glass back onto the beach, but the glass was now chiseled like stones. 

We went out searching for this beach, visualizing sparkling glass stones covering a large area.  But we could not find it anywhere.  We couldn’t find any signs pointing us in the right direction.  Finally, we found a sunken area between two hills that had some glass piece strewn around. 

“Is this it?” I asked.

“It must be,” said Sophia.  “It’s not very impressive.”

We bent down and examined the historic glass pieces.

“Well I guess it is sort of interesting.  Maybe collectors took the rest of the glass.”

Then we noticed that there were a group of tourists in the distance combing over another area of the beach.  We were not on “Glass Beach.”  We were simply admiring the broken pieces of glass of a Budweiser bottle that some drunken idiot must have broken last night.

Frankly, the real Glass Beach wasn’t any better. 

Here are some of the “real” glass stones, and the nice view.

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Boat Junk Yard, Fort Bragg —

So ugly it was beautiful.

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“Avenue of the Giants” —

We took tons of the typical touristy shots.

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Sophia’s idea for a photo, not mine —

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And thank you again for all your birthday greetings!

Postcard from the Road

March 6, 2007 / / 24 Comments

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(from our hotel room in Fort Bragg)

Travelling can be stressful at times, so I’m glad Sophia and I decided ahead of time to enjoy ourselves, and to laugh off any bumps in the road. Napa is pretty, but not our glass of wine. How many wineries can a person visit? How many wineries can one visit and still safely drive those windy country roads? And how many restaurants can serve fifteen dollar organic chicken sandwiches?

Our favorite wine country town was Healdsburg. It is quaint, but not sickingly touristy. Santa Rosa is cool also, mostly because Charles Schultz lived there, and there are sculptures of Charlie Brown and Snoopy all over the place.

Safari West in Santa Rosa was as overpriced as our arugula salad in Sonoma. They advertised themselves as an “African safari” experience, but for safety reasons, they don’t have any animals that could actually eat you. So, you travel around on a crowded jeep watching giraffes and antelopes sleeping, eating, shitting, and ignoring you. At least at Universal Studios, the Jaws shark comes out to attack you at least once!

The tour guide at Safari West recently wrote a children’s book about animals, and he seemed more interested in promoting it than giving us a tour, always saying that we could “pick up a copy in the gift shop.” This is embarrassing to admit, but I fell asleep on Sophia’s shoulder while riding a bumpy jeep on a “African” safari. Still, it was an entertaining and different experience, but not worth the sixty bucks a person.

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We liked this zebra the best. These electric zapcars are all over the place.

We had hoped to take a mud bath and massage in Calistoga. I was especially excited about posting a photo of myself with mud up to my neck, but we changed our mind when we actually saw the spa that we chose from some brochure we got at the hotel. Rather than it looking like an “Oasis,” it looked like a trailer behind a motel. When we went inside, Sophia asked the owner if we could see the mud bath before we paid, but the owner said we couldn’t — they were still “getting it ready.” Sophia asked to use the restroom, and like Nancy Drew, sneaked into the mud bath room. She immediately came out and told me that we should leave.

“It looks filthy.” she said. “They’re cleaning it up with dirty rags”

We were a little disappointed. I owe Sophia a mud bath.

Today, we drove from Napa to Mendocino. It was very interesting to see how the landscape changed from lush wineries to massive redwoods. Sophia was fascinated at her first look at these amazing trees. She even started to cry.

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“It’s like a fairy tale forest,” she said.

I didn’t have much time to be emotional, since the darkness of the tree cover and the curvy roads made driving a little scary.

Eventually, we made it to Mendocino. While Napa had an upscale wine lover/foodie vibe, the Northern California coast has maintained much of the hippy vibe of the 1960’s (although wealthier hippies). We stopped to buy some fruits at a food co-op. If Sophia was ever in political enemy territory, it was here. There were anti-war petitions hanging over the dairy aisle, and photos of Bush with X’s marking out his face. We especially enjoyed this sign posted by the front door, telling customers to shut off their cell phones.

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The views of the ocean are beautiful here. The oceanfront is rugged and… manly. In comparison, the beaches of Los Angeles are, as Ann Coulter might say, for faggots.

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We’re staying the night in Fort Bragg, which is one town over from Mendocino, and is known as the place where visitors who can’t afford Mendocino stay for the night. As I’m writing this, we’re in a small coffeehouse that serves organic coffee and we’re listening to a talent hippyish-looking singer doing a Joni Mitchell song. What could be more Northern Californian?

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Travelling is fun, but you’re never quite sure what’s going to happen next, especially when you’re travelling on a budget. We were concerned about our hotel in Fort Bragg because it looked a little Bates Motel-ish when we pulled in at night.

“I’m not staying here.” said Sophia. “There’s a homeless man standing right outside!”

Luckily, as we got closer, we saw it was just the sea captain.

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The Road Trip Begins

March 4, 2007 / / 29 Comments

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Winery in Calistoga, CA

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“Safari West” in Santa Rosa, CA

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Hotel Room Jacuzzi

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Sophia ordered champagne.

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Weird public art.

The Luckiest Blogger in the World

March 3, 2007 / / 67 Comments

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Can someone have his best birthday ever — four days before his actual birthday? 

Knowing that Sophia and I we were heading off on our road trip to Portland, Danny invited us over for some pre-birthday birthday cake (which he baked himself!  Coconut!) 

First surprise:  Communicatrix and her boyfriend, Brenton, showed up to wish me an early happy birthday.  

Second surprise:  Sophia revealed that she has been secretly working behind the scenes to make my birthday extra special.   She has been emailing YOU for several weeks, telling you of my upcoming birthday, and asking you to mail me a card or a gift to Danny’s address. 

Third surprise:  A whole bunch of gifts and cards were piled high in Danny’s living room, the gifts and cards as varied as there are bloggers:

Chocolates from Belgium.   Art work.  Photographs.  T-shirts from various cities across the country.  Baseball caps.  Soap shaped like a woman’s breast.  A tool kit.  Books.  Movies.  CDs.  Fancy notebooks.  Buttons.  Chewing gum.  Handmade candy.  A beautiful purple bathrobe!   A hand-knitted scarf.  Magazine subscriptions.  Special beer from Chicago.  An emergency phone charger.  Poems.    And tons of birthday cards.  

And more is coming.

I was in shock for the rest of the night.  I had no idea of any of this.  I feel like George Bailey from “It’s a Wonderful Life.” 

I am still speechless.  I can’t think of anything clever to say, other than, “Wow, I’m truly touched.”  

I’m also drunk, so I’ll need to write more about this tomorrow.

Thanks, everyone.  Thanks, Danny.   

And Sophia, you really ARE the best!

P.S. — Does this mean I have to start reading your blogs again?

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