Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Two Amys

To understand the following story better, I need to break the #1 rule of any good comedic story — I have to ruin the punchline right from the beginning.

I know two Amys.  Well… I know MORE than two Amys.  Half of my online acquaintances are either Heather or Amy.   But for the purpose of this story, I know two Amys.

Amy is the writer of Doobleh-vay.  I had a lot of fun with her in Chicago during BlogHer.   She lives in Columbus.

The other Amy is a blogging friend I have had since 2005.  She is the only blogger I know who has both slept in my apartment and met my mother!   She lives in Philadelphia.

Let’s call them Amy Columbus (the one from BlogHer) and Amy Philadelphia (the one who met my mother).

Amy Columbus is not Jewish.  Amy Philadelphia is Jewish.  This fact is essential to the plot.

Oh, yeah, a few weeks ago, when Amy Philadelphia gave me her mobile number, I made a mistake and inserted it into the wrong contact, that of Amy Columbus.

Last night, unaware of this fact, I received a text message last night from “Amy Columbus” (when in reality, it was “Amy Philadelphia”), but the iPhone is rather stupid when you give it the wrong instructions, like putting the wrong phone number with the wrong person.  Since my iPhone said that this message was from Amy Columbus, I assumed it was from Amy Columbus.   Would an Apple product ever lie?

Amy:  “Hey, Neil, I’ll be in New York on October 11.  I’m going to this big Succoth party.”

It was cool to hear from Amy Columbus, but I was surprised that she was going to a party for Succoth, a Jewish Fall festival holiday.  I’m not saying that every time a member of an ethnic or religious group meet each other there is a secret handshake, but I spent a good amount of time with her at BlogHer, and she never once mentioned that she was Jewish.  Not that it was important for her to tell me.  It just seemed odd that there wasn’t a misplaced Yiddish word or even an “Oy.”  Perhaps — she is not Jewish, or half-Jewish, and just going with a friend to a Succoth party.  Or a convert.

I texted her back.

Neil:  “Cool.  I hope I get to see you when you are in town.  Are you Jewish?”

Amy:  “Of course I’m Jewish.”

Of course she’s Jewish?  Was I supposed to just KNOW that?  Now, remember — I still have no clue that this is Amy Philadelphia texting me, who I know is Jewish.

Neil:  “I didn’t know that you were Jewish.  Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

Amy:  “Dude, when people look at me there is a like a sign pointing at me saying, “I am Jewish.””

Huh?  Now I know plenty of people — and you cannot tell a person’s religion or even color from looking at them.  Sometimes you can, but not always.  Amy Columbus could be Jewish, but with her blonde hair and blue eyes, she looked more like the granddaughter of Norwegian farmers.  Talking about religion and stereotypes is an iffy topic, but I felt comfortable enough with Amy to further the discussion.

Neil:  “Really?  I had no idea.  You don’t particularly look Jewish.  Or not Jewish.”

Amy:  “I’m as Jewish as they come.  I think you’ve spend so much time hitting on the non-Jewish mommybloggers, that you forget what a Jewish girl looks like.  We talked about going to temple once, remember?”

We did?  I did not remember talking about this with Amy Columbus AT ALL.  But I wasn’t going to tell her that.  I am experienced enough as a man to know that women get angry with you if you don’t LISTEN to them, and I certainly wasn’t going to tell Amy Columbus that I was having a complete blank about having this conversation.   Going to temple with Amy Columbus?   At BlogHer,  we mostly talked about going to some bar and drinking margaritas.  Maybe we were both drunk that night, and the conversation became all spiritual and religious, like “Let’s go to temple right now and talk to God!”  And then we passed out.

So, I did what any man does in a situation with a woman where he doesn’t remember the conversation.  He lies.

Neil:  “Oh, yeah, yeah.  I remember us talking about temple.”

It was definitely time to wrap up this conversation.

Neil:   “Speak to you later.  Gotta go!”

After that last exchange, I sat by my laptop for a few minutes, staring at the wall.  Something was really WEIRD about that conversation with Amy Columbus.  It was as if we talking past each other and not connecting.  I don’t text message very often, so maybe I wasn’t doing it correctly.  I became worried that I insulted Amy, even questioning her religious faith!

I decided to use a platform that I was more comfortable for my online conversations — email.  I composed an email and sent it to Amy Columbus.

Neil:  “Hey, Amy.  Nice talking to you.   Can’t wait to see you in New York.”

And then, just to make sure that I acknowledged her as a fellow member of the Jewish faith, I wished her a Happy New Year.

Neil:  “And Shana Tovah to you and your family!”

Are you following the story so far?  I had texted back and forth with the Jewish Amy Philadelphia the entire time, thinking it was Amy Columbus, and then I emailed Amy Columbus a New Year’s greeting, and she was going to get this email in her inbox, completely unaware of anything.

This morning, I received a email back from Amy Columbus.

Amy:  “Hey, darling (which in itself is a very non-Jewish expression), were you trying to reach me last night?  And WHAT were you TALKING ABOUT?!

17 Comments

  1. LOL… explains soooooo much.

  2. Oh Neil, it’s no wonder. How do you keep track of all these women??!! 🙂 I laughed out loud when reading this.

  3. This elicited a laugh from me so unexpected that I sputtered coffee all over my monitor.

    You owe me a squirt of windex.

  4. Beautiful conflict and setup! As good as a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. I loved it. Still laughing.

  5. Truly a great post, Neil.

  6. Neil – I thought that you (or I) was losing your mind. I figured maybe you were really really forgetful.

    I guess being called Amy Philadelphia isn’t so bad. I could be called worse… Amy-that-slept-in-my-bed, Amy-who-talks-too-much, Amy-who-made-me-sit-thru-standup-comedy-until-the-wee-hours. 😛

  7. HILARIOUS! And this comment is sponsored by one of your Heathers.

  8. Proud to be one of your on-line Amy’s. Amy Oklahoma, if you will. Hmmm…I kind of like that. Also, I’ve never met an Amy I didn’t like. For reals!

  9. Loved it, still laughing!

  10. Neil, you need to diversify. Multiple Amys and Heathers just aren’t enough. I’d expect you to have at least half a dozen Jens as well.

  11. This made me laugh. If I had had something in my mouth at the time I would have spit it on my computer screen… but I didn’t….and so I didn’t.

  12. I can’t believe you haven’t downloaded the Amy Sorting app!

  13. Ok, I had something very similar happen to me last week. I texted a Sophia from my martial arts class instead of a Sophia from my office. The first Sophia is planning a wedding; the second Sophia is a middle-aged woman who’s been married for 20 years. i texted Sophia about her wedding plans. She was like, “Huh?” Hilarity ensued.

  14. You need to get yourself a Deb or two – thems some funny ladies.

    And you totally remind me of John Candy – “Funny, she doesn’t look Druish.”

  15. Hi Neil,
    I am trying to track down an Amy from Philly, she is also Jewish. We used to “chat ” alot about 2 yrs back but have lost contact. She was then heading to Europe for a vacation and we’d talked of meeting up. Can you ask your Amy Philadelphia if she recalls Fred from Ireland and if she is the same Amy can you give her my email address to contact me??

    Cheers
    Fred from Ireland

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