Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Mothers, Food, and Sex

Don’t live in the same apartment with your mother after the age of thirty.  It’s sort of weird.

Don’t accidentally call you mother your wife’s name during dinner.   It’s a bit odd.

Don’t go with your mother to a Jewish Deli and think it would be “fun” to sit at the same table where Sally had her fake orgasm.  It can be embarrassing.

Don’t assume your mother is sleeping in her bedroom during your imaginary passionate tryst with a hostess from the Food Network in your living room.    Don’t ask.

36 Comments

  1. I resisted pressing play on that last one because I feared it could be Rachel Ray, but because it’s Nigella I am so adding you to my blogroll brother!

  2. I hope someday I get to go to that deli! You know how I love that movie. 🙂

    P.S. Excellent choice with Nigella.

  3. Excellent advice. You have good taste in Food Network hostesses. She is luscious.

  4. “Middle of the night”. “Hugging shelves of food” “Doughnut French”. “Hit the spot”. Mother-Food-Sex. Dr. Freud, where are you when we need you?

  5. i should have subleased you my place while i was away.

  6. but i don’t have the foodnetwork 😛

  7. You got me at Nigella. OMG, that woman shows more enjoyment when she eats than is allowable by law.

  8. My husband’s crush is Giada, aka “Boobies”.

    When I get my own show on Food Network, shall I find a way to introduce you? 🙂

  9. Suzanne — I do not like Giada… at all. I like All Adither’s suggestion better. At least Paula Deen has that sexy southern accent. I do like accents.

  10. My god Neil… that was the hottest food porn I’ve ever seen.

  11. Oh my, I think I might start watching the Food Network too.

  12. I have such a girl crush on Nigella. Seriously.

  13. I didn’t know that scene was shot in a real deli. Thought it was a film set.

  14. My husband has the hots for Padma from Top Chef. If I were a guy, Nigella would be the one I would be dreaming about.

  15. Nigella, Nigella, Nigella…my wife and I both fantasize about her…

  16. Nigella is HOT. I’d turn for her, especially if she made me that French toast.

  17. If I had french toast..in the middle of the night..I’d feel dirty too..but for very different reasons… AND… MY LORD..Neil…the LIVINGROOM! Show some discretion man.. Get a GRIP..(so to speak…)

  18. Hey, everyone can understand the Nigella obsession. Even your mom. The “When Harry Met Sally Deli” not so much.

  19. It sounds like you just need to buy a TV for your bedroom is all. Your life does seem a little Oedipal right now, doesn’t it?

  20. I’D have a tryst with that Food Network hostess if it meant I was getting some of her food. Her dishes are divine! And no, there’s no hidden inuendo there – I like her food.

  21. I’m definitely not going to ask, even though my curiosity is killing me. As for me, I definitely understand why you fantasize about Nigella rather than Paula Deen. Just so you know.

  22. A “careworn mother” who needs “something sweet, and soothing, and fast”? She’s perfect for you!

    (Seriously, now I want some of that toast.

  23. “…and now sweet solace is only moments away…” Somebody please get me a fan.
    PS. Would your mother consider wearing a lovely necklace at night with loud little bells on it???

  24. Lock your door when you do that!

    I need some Katz’ pastrami.

  25. WOW. That’s all just wow :-).

  26. KATZ DELI!!! That’s just great! 🙂

  27. Wouldn’t dream of asking.

    Doing a bit of Nigella-esq-ness @ my blog today. Love her!

  28. Alright… my son caught me watching the french toast video and asked me to start from the beginning. I stepped out of the room to do something and when I returned he was watching another one about eggs benedict or something… POINT IS that my son (7 years old mind you) looks at me, all EXCITED and says “MOM! Now she’s cooking blahblahblah!!! And she has a BEAUTIFUL house and WOW! she’s a REALLY good cook!”

    you’re in big trouble mister.

  29. Okay, something is VERY WRONG when a woman reads a post like that and comes away with “Mmm sandwich”, right? I’m blaming the pregnancy.

  30. I’ll try to remember all of these tidbits of advice. And to teach my sons the same.

  31. thank god is wasn’t Rachael Ray. that’s all i’ve got to say about that.

    …crap. now i really want a deli sandwich….

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