the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Month: November 2008 (Page 3 of 3)

One Day Break from Cynicism

I am so glad that Obama won this historic election, but I couldn’t sleep all night. I was worried about what this election would mean to my future. I’m not talking about more taxes. What truly bothered me is that as a cynical person, all this hope and good will is bad for my writing. An African-American President. Respect from the world. People caring about each other. People are so optimistic on Twitter, I don’t even recognize the application anymore. Who are these people? Weren’t they just a bunch of assholes a few days ago? Have they all changed overnight? I even read some blogger who said that from now on, she will only read bloggers who “are positive about the world.” I don’t want to lose readers, as newly good-hearted people run away from my dislike of humanity.

But then a ghost appeared to me. It was the late Nipsy Russell, the first black performer to be a regular panelist on a weekly game show. I loved Nipsy Russell, especially the poems he would recite on the old Match Game, gems like these:

If you ever go out with a schoolteacher,
You’re in for a sensational night;
She’ll make you do it over and over again
Until you do it right.

The opposite of ‘pro’ is ‘con’
This fact is clearly seen
But if ‘progress’ means move forward
What does ‘Congress’ mean?

Nipsy Russell was a big influence on my love of words. Seriously. He was great.

“Neilochka, Neilochka. Cheer up.” the ghost of Nipsy Russell said to me. “I wrote this little poem for you —

Today we all are proud
A good man’s won for you
But life would really suck
Without some sarcasm too”

“So, what are you saying?” I asked, confused and startled by his sudden appearance in my bedroom.

“I’m saying that America — the world — still needs you.” said the comedian. “God put each of us on this earth for a reason. Some are here to lead America as the President of the United States. Some to write poems on game shows. And others are here to kvetch and look at the negative side of things. America needs all of us.”

“But what is there to feel negative about? I don’t really believe that President Obama will bring in a socialist government and destroy America — like those crazy right-wing talk show hosts do?

“Neilochka, open your eyes. There is one reason to truly be cyncial about the Obama administration. Something all Americans should be in fear of every day of their lives. Something so scary, that I almost would have suggested for you to vote for McCain instead.”

“What’s that?”

“Guess Who’s Coming to Stay at the White House… a lot!”

“Oh, no – NOT MORE OPRAH!”

Wednesday Morning, McCain Wins / Wednesday Morning, Obama Wins

It is Wednesday, November 5. The 2008 Presidential Election is over. America had decided. And with this choice, there is a new America.

What will our country look like?

Let’s take a look at how that this fateful — and historic — Wednesday morning will look to the average taxpaying citizen, ME, depending on the outcome of the election.

Wednesday Morning (if McCain wins)

8:30 AM — I buy a newspaper. “McCain Wins” screams the headline! I enter McDonald’s and order a cup of coffee and an Egg McMuffin, but without the greasy sausage. The salesgirl charges me the full price.

9:40 AM — I shop in CVS Pharmacy for deodorant and new batteries for my camera. The stern Indian salesgirl, dressed frumpishly, asks for my CVS card. I say that I forgot it at home. She says the batteries were on sale, but I’m out of luck without the card.

10:24 AM — I check my email at home. I receive a angry diatribe from a female blogger insisting that I stop sending her photos of my naked body. “You are a sick man and should be imprisoned. One more photo and I am taking you off my blogroll!”

11:01 AM — Producer from LA calls up and says that my script is as “unfunny as a Geico commercial.” Besides, Hollywood is broke, so “don’t waste your time. Stick to blogging.”

11:12 AM — Sophia calls and says her Wii is not working. What should she do?

11:23 — I am depressed and see no future.

Wednesday Morning (if Obama wins)

8:30 AM — I buy a newspaper. “Obama Wins” screams the headline! I enter McDonald’s and order a cup of coffee and an Egg McMuffin, but without the greasy sausage. The salesgirl charges me fifty cents less, saying this it is only fair, since I am not ordering the full sandwich. The new motto of McDonald’s is “Caring for Our Customers.”

9:40 AM — I shop in CVS Pharmacy for deodorant and new batteries for my camera. The sexy Indian salesgirl, showing a lot of cleavage, asks for my CVS card. I say that I forgot it at home. “No problem.” she answers. “I’ll let you use my personal card. We’re all citizens of this great neighborhood!” She also throws a a free box of condoms into my bag, winking at me about the importance of ethnic groups “getting to know each other through interpersonal dialogue.”

10:24 AM — I check my email at home. I receive a lovely poem from a female blogger thanking me for “that great photo.” She has been feeling depressed lately, and my kindness has given her hope.

11:01 AM — Producer from LA calls up and says that my script is as “funny as one of those hilarious Geico commercials.” There is so much money flying around Hollywood, now that the economy has picked up, that there is a bidding war to make this movie.

11:12 AM — Sophia calls and says it isn’t fair that she gets to be the only one using the Wii. It is important to “share the wealth.” She is sending the system to me in New York for a month, so I can get a chance to play Wii Bowling too.

11:23 AM — There is a ring at the doorbell. It is the Indian girl from CVS Pharmacy. She is smiling seductively. “It is a time for unity between diverse people!” she says, as she takes off her top, revealing her ample bosom and her dark coffee skin.

As you know, I don’t like to discuss politics on this blog. I think voting is a personal decision, and I will not even give you a HINT about my choice of candidate. I just want to give you the FACTS. I hope that you analyze them carefully. Do everything you can before you vote to educate yourself — think, discuss, read intelligent blogs like this one — and then weigh the good and bad aspects of the two alternative Wednesdays that I described. And then ask yourself — which America sounds better?

Newer posts »
Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial