Note: This is an example of writing something just for my own benefit. I know it isn’t very well-written. I just like TO WRITE, even if it is dumb. The main theme, kissing, is something that was on my mind today. I know it isn’t a major issue of the day, but it is what I think about when I sit around at 1AM.
I’m not writing this note as an apology. I actually hope to be inspiring. I think I wimped out earlier by deleting those two other posts. What’s the big deal if I just left them on? Do I want this blog to be all about high quality literary posts? If I do, then maybe I should just write one post a week.
Eh, screw it. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m feeling all these contradictory emotions about everything, including YOU. I am confused why strangers would care about me. At the same time, I hate the fact that when I go on Twitter, life in the world just goes on. I remember one day, a few weeks ago, there were two main conversations going on in Twitter — one was jokey and the other was about the Democratic primary. People were chiming in, this way and that, entirely convinced that the world was listening to their views. And then, another person who didn’t have many followers, wrote, “my grandfather died.” And everyone just kept on talking, oblivious.
I feel lucky that I have people who read this and seem to care. But as a “dependent” personality, I need to remember that I don’t need you for validation. If I write this, the job is already mostly done. Everything else is dessert. The act of writing — the words on paper — the fact that I amused myself for a bit — is the important thing…
OK, if this is going to be my life, it’s time to get my ass out of my childhood bedroom and start preparing for battle. Life is like war, and every soldier needs his comrades, his buddies who will support him NO MATTER WHAT.
You are those comrades-in-arms.
Let me put this in a way that YOU can understand, because some of you seem to get lost in my “over-your-head” blog posts. I am a samurai and you are the sidekicks in Akira Kurosawa’s “The Seven Samarai.” Or I am Princess Leia, and you are Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca. Or maybe it’s better to say that I’m Luke Skywalker and you are R2D2 and Obi Won Kenobi. or I am Frodo and you are Sam and the other Hobbits. Or I am the Karate Kid and you are my Mr. Miyagi. Or I am Seabiscuit and you are…Ok, you get the point?
You need to advise me and help me in my goals.
For many months now, I have been — how can I say this politely so as not to offend any Christian mommybloggers? — vaguely insinuating that I was mildly interested in finding and accompanying an intelligent, kind female into my bedroom where we would hopefully partake in an ancient, natural, intense, and completely “eco-green” ritual that would be satisfying and immensely spiritual for both of us — well, at least for one of us.
In the past, this was theoretical. But the future is looking different. Can this dream become a reality? Hell, I’m not ready to be thinking about this. Shut up, yes you are! You can’t HELP not thinking about this. I need to first be comfortable with yourself and figure out what you want to do. You’re an idiot. Who gave you such miserable advice?
OK, if I am going to think reality, I need to start thinking practical.
Myth — Most women do not jump into the sack with you like they do in the movies.
As much as I would love to have some hot woman come up to me in the Metropolitan Museum of Art and say, “Oh my God, you’re Neilochka from Citizen of the Month. I’m a beautiful curator at the museum, and graduate of Princeton with an Art History degree. Let’s have sex in the Temple of Dendur after the museum closes!” it is unlikely that this event will ever occur.
As for myself, I would feel uncomfortable having sex this way. I know it is “controversial” for a man to say he wouldn’t take any opportunity for sex, but I would probably turn this woman down. I’m shy in that way. It’s taken me three long years to feel OK even HUGGING bloggers, especially those crazy southern bloggers who seem to hug everyone, even the checkout guy at the supermarket who bags their groceries. Besides my shyness, I’d be afraid of getting caught having sex in the Temple of Dendur. Or worse — being videotaped and ending up on YouTube. or even worse — desecrating the temple grounds with our sex act and getting some horrible Egyptian curse bestowed on me where my penis turns to stone, and then slowly wears with time, whithering away into dust.
Oh yeah… yeah, what the hell is this post about? Am I going to be deleting this nonsense in five minutes, like the two posts from yesterday? Why don’t I just stop blogging for a week since I clearly have nothing to say?
But I do have an important topic to discuss. I read this site that scared the hell out of me. For all of my talk about sex and penises and doing it upside down on a trapeze, it seems that — IN THE REAL WORLD — if I want to pass GO — I have to first KISS the woman — and get this, DO IT WELL!
It has been theorized that a woman decided within five minutes of meeting a man whether or not she will have sex with him. Possibly true, but there is one catch. Most women I know, myself included, may initially decide we’ll have sex with a guy, but when we find out he’s a bad or a mediocre kisser, we change our minds entirely. We decide we will never have sex with this guy. He won’t even get asked for a nightcap, much less for breakfast the next morning. As our lips part while we stand on the doorstep, we will announce that we have an early-morning meeting or (if you were really awful) that we’re actually already married to someone else.
What we will never, ever say is, “God, you’re a lousy kisser. I was going to have sex with you until just this moment.” This is one of the ways in which men and women differ. If a man is very attracted to a woman but discovers she’s a bad or mediocre kisser, he’ll probably have sex with her anyway if presented with the opportunity. A woman can’t get past a bad kiss.
I’ve been with Sophia for years. I’m not entirely convinced that I can kiss someone new and just hit it off — 1, 2, 3. Will I be out of the picture if I don’t “up my game?” Should I have Sophia write me a note to hand to the woman explaining that I’m not really “hip” to any of the new twenty-first century kissing techniques? Have any women out there really rejected a guy because of his kissing? If you are a married man, are you keeping up with your passionate kissing — just in case your marriage falls apart and you need to go back into the dating scene? Maybe you’re like me, and didn’t realize how serious this kissing thing is to women.
What makes a good or bad kisser?
Hopefully, if I go to BlogHer, my blog friends will come to my assistance and make out with me. I will be putting up a sign-up list on my door. Please tell your husbands and boyfriends that this is completely innocent, and that you are just helping a fellow blogger with his research.
Maybe I’ll delete this later.