Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Psychology Today, Therapy Wednesday

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Neil: “Hello.”

Therapist Intern: “Hi, this is Jodi calling from “Neurotics-R-Us” Clinic. I’d like to make a first appointment with you.”

Neil: “Great.”

Therapist Intern: “Which day of the week would you like to come in?”

Neil: “Um…uh…”

Therapist Intern: “Well, actually, now that I look at the calendar, we only have Monday and Wednesday?”

Neil: “That’s good. It makes it easier for me. Because part of my problem is that it is hard for me to make decisions.”

Therapist Intern: “I see. And when would you like to come in?”

Neil: “You mean like morning or afternoon?”

Therapist Intern: “Yes.”

Neil: “Are both available?”

Therapist Intern: “Yes.”

Neil: “Before I give you an answer can I go write a blog post asking my readers if they think a therapist is “better” in the morning, when she is “fresher,” or in the afternoon, when she is in her therapy “groove?””

Therapist Intern: “You realize that this is neurotic and it is something we should discuss, right?”

Neil: “I was joking.”

Therapist Intern: “Humor can be used to cover up serious emotions.”

Neil: “Can I ask you something that is on my mind, now that we’ve talked twice on the phone?”

Therapist Intern: “Of course.”

Neil: “What do you look like?”

Therapist Intern: “Well, I’m a green-eyed, brunette, with horn-rimmed glasses, very shapely, wearing jeans and a top with spaghetti straps, showing a bit of cleavage, and red “f**k me” shoes.”

Neil: “I see. Thank you. I know that in “reality,” I never asked this question, but I appreciate the “imaginary” answer.

Therapist Intern: “Well, while we are drifting off a bit, there is nothing I enjoy more than eating pizza, then riding a neurotic Jewish man, my perfect breasts bouncing, until I’m orgasming to the music of ABBA (the original, not the lame musical, Mamma Mia).”

Neil: “OK, OK, let’s keep the truth quotient to at least around 80% today.”

Therapist Intern: “When would you like to come in?”

Neil: “How about right now?”

Therapist Intern: “How about Wednesday afternoon.”

Neil: “It’s a date!”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Sophia Wants You!

25 Comments

  1. I hope your mom reads this post. That will give you even more to talk about in therapy.

  2. Make your appointment in the morning, when she’s ‘fresh’.

  3. I hate to break it to you, but I’m a therapist intern, and riding a neurotic Jewish man is not on my agenda! Buuuuuuut, I can recommend some of my former classmates at California Graduate Institute–hot Persians, a lot of them, and they do have a counseling center.

  4. Take a chill pill. You will be fine!

  5. Oh Neil. What will you do when she turns out to remind you of your cousin?

  6. Neil, Neil, Neil…where’s your editor when you need her?

    I will be your new editor in lieu of Sophia, who is currently on hiatus.

    Please correct your post’s title.

  7. You’re such a entertaining liar! LOL

  8. I’m not a real psychologist but I LOVE to read “Psychology Today.” I’m also extremely attracted to neurotic Jewish men and I just so happen to be wearing that exact outfit that you described, right now. I’m also very good at decision making.

    Oh, but my eyes are brown. Sometimes blue, but never green. And, I’m almost Jewish, but only on my dads side, and I hear that it only counts if you’re Jewish on your moms side, which I’m not, so I guess I’m not really Jewish after all.

    Too bad, we are almost perfect for each other.

  9. I’m sorry, I wish I had something clever to say about what you wrote, but I’m too hung up on that blurb on the magazine cover. You know the one. “FIRE ON ICE: Rise of a Skating Star” And I sort of want to read it.

  10. hey, isn’t wednesday “hump” day? good call! enjoy your “therapy”.

  11. I like my appointments mid-morning when I’ve already been at work for a bit so I’ve got a lot to talk about but before I go back so I’m not driven to homicidal rage by 6 PM.

    Test that one out.

  12. Go when you are at your best. You do most of the talking anyway.

    That picture looks like Amanda Peet. I wouldn’t recommend you work with a hot therapist. You’ll get all tongue-tied and your penis will take over. Not good.

  13. That magazine cover… Neil, you have WAY too much free time on your hands.

  14. Cute post, Neil. Sounds like a cute therapist intern, too. Have fun!

  15. who knows. I think therapists are best when they are over 60. But that is because anyone younger than that is so wrapped up in themselves they are oblivious. well, maybe that is just california. 😉

  16. Orgasming? I don’t think I’ve ever heard that word spoken out loud. But I’d like to.

  17. Can you help me find a therapist too?

    Muscular with windswept hair and green eyes would be perfect.

  18. I prefer morning appointments, but my therapist looks like Academy Award-nominated actress Gena Rowlands.

  19. Heather B — You mean you leave work so you can see your therapist?

    Melanie — I agree with you. I’m hoping to get a 55-65 year old man who has had some life experience, not some unmarried intern who knows crap about relationships.

    Edgy — Dr. Bradley Pitt will be calling you.

  20. Neil, you seem surprised by Heather B.’s answer. I have been known to leave in the middle of the work day to go to therapy. Or to just leave early if the appointment is near the end of the day. I prefer the later stuff because I am so not a morning person.

  21. Just curious, do most people go to “talk therapy” or congnitive behavior?

  22. I myself am a big fan of the leaves that have so serenely floated to the top of the glass table. It adds a soothing touch, don’t you think?

  23. The therapy you choose is based on what you want to accomplish. Besides I wouldn’t think cognitive behavior therapy would help you with your (and I’m using your words) nagging. But I’m not a professional so I could be wrong.

  24. Hmmmm…..why DO some men take an innocent word like IN-tern and give it phallic connotations? Such a nice innocent word. Hope she takes the horn rims off before riding you. If they fell off in the heat of passion, it may hurt a little.

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