Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Greetings from the Road

utah.jpg 

Hi, there.  This is going to be a short post because I’m writing this on the laptop while I’m driving across country.  I took off on Friday to start my road trip.  I’m not sure what this says about the morality of American women, but it is almost TOO easy to accomplish my goal of 50 women, 50 States.

My first stop from California was in Nevada, where I met Jennifer watching the Bellagio “water” show with her girlfriends.  She was in Vegas for her bachelorette party and she was very eager to go for one last fling, especially when she heard my name and recognized it from all those “Best Blogs of the Blogosphere” lists. 

“I’d love to be the first lay on your Road Trip!” she announced.

The sex was amazing.  Her fiancee from back home, Dr. Anderson Traub of Wilmington, Delaware, is one lucky guy, that is if she still does this sort of stuff once she gets married.   After a couple of rounds of intense lovemaking, I gave her some advice about her upcoming wedding. 

“Always remember –” I told her, “that you and Anderson should enjoy the event as much as the guests.  The wedding is for you!”

The best of luck to both of them!   Mazel tov!  

Recently, I had a discussion with Dagny about whether it is appropriate or not to mention the ethnicity of someone in a post.  In Sedona, Arizona, I had an interesting experience.    Does it really matter that Carla was a black woman?  Probably not, but since it was my first experience bedding an African-American, I feel that this information is relevant.   But even more importantly, I certainly think it is essential for you to know that Carla is a massage therapist and KEGELS instructor!   That certainly mattered a lot more in bed than her skin color!  When they say there is a “spiritual vibe” in the red rocks of Sedona, I now know what they are talking about!  I certainly felt my chakras rising!

In Salt Lake City, I took some time out for a little tourism.   The Mormon Temple is beautiful.  And the members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir truly have voices like angels!  I really appreciated being taken around the church grounds by my lovely tour guide, Sarah.  After sitting through a few videos about her religion, she was more than willing to go out with me for some ice cream (she doesn’t drink and Salt Lake City has a lot of great ice cream making up for the lack of bars).   As we enjoyed the sweets, I told her about my Road Trip, and she was so excited about participating  Utah rocks!  She was a lot of fun and a great conversationalist.  Ironically — I thought this was amusing — the only sex position she doesn’t like is… the missionary one.

Despite the good times, I’m feeling a little down.  I’m having some doubts about the whole enterprise.  Once I accomplish it all, will there be anything to show for it?   Will this be the biggest accomplishment of my life?  Will I be like Gary Coleman or Todd Bridges, always looking back to the one sitcom they were in, knowing they never could achieve the same greatness?

And — I hate to bring up this mushy stuff — but what about love?  Romance?  Sure, there is something intriguing about bedding 50 women in 50 states?  But isn’t there something a little superficial about the idea?  I can see maybe going to Hawaii and having sex with some lonely busineswoman for the night, but ALL 50 States?  Is this what our Founding Fathers really had in mind with the concept of ONE country, indivisible?

Where does love come into play with all this?  Wouldn’t it be better to turn back, go into therapy, and try to make a REAL relationship work?

“No!  Do not turn back!” said a German-sounding voice.

“Who is this?”

“This is Doctor Sigmund Freud, talking to you from the beyond!  You must continue on with your quest!”

“Sigmund Freud my ass.  That is the worst attempt at an accent EVAH, Penis.”

“You can’t turn back now.  You’re doing so well!”  said my Penis.  “The last three days have been terrific!  This is the best trip we ever went on together!”

“What about the time we went to Cooperstown with my parents?”

“You’re a moron, Neilochka.   We couldn’t even masturbate that weekend because you were afraid of the parents walking in.”

“What about all the cool baseball stuff we saw at the museum.  And remember that female docent? That was the first time I  saw a woman not wearing a bra.”

“That’s right!  And she kept on talking about Joe Dimaggio’s big bat!   Boner-time   Ha Ha.   We were so immature back then!”

“That was a long long time ago.”

“Her name was Tracey.” said my Penis.

“The docent from Cooperstown?  You remember her name, Penis?”

“Not only that!  I googled her name and found out she now lives in Austin, Texas.”

“Why did you do that?

“Because we’re turning this car around and going to Texas to find Tracey.  Ride ’em, Cowgirl!”

“This woman must be like sixty years old by now?”

“So? I don’t see any problem with that!”

Dear Reader:  Please help me!  Should I listen to my Penis and continue onto Texas

or

should I turn back like a rational person, find a good therapist, and focus on a real relationship?

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:   The Sidewalk of Love

30 Comments

  1. I feel the need to leave a comment, but I have nothing.

    Tell Penis I know a few cool women on the east coast.

  2. Did I say “cool”? I meant easy.

    Turn around bonehead!!

  3. Always listen to your penis. It is smarter than the rest of you and only wants what is best for Neil.

    signed,

    Your Penis, er…I mean, Mike

  4. Hmmmm. Well you know my take on it already. The Talking Penis is OK for occasional entertainment but he cannot control all aspects of your life. If you want evidence of what happens when you do this, simply watch “Scott Baio Is 45 and Single.” Pay close attention to his friend Johnny. He is a lot like the Talking Penis.

  5. Sure, drive right past San Jose. Again.

  6. ah the rhetorical question: Texas has some fine women, but if you want sophia, find some counseling for the talking penis.

    he has his moments, but charm and good looks aren’t everything. 😉

  7. This Texas woman would happily invite you out – if she weren’t already in a happy relationship and knew you really cared for a raven-curly haired beauty back home!

    Oh, and it gets hot here in August.

  8. Dude – you only live once. Give yourself this Gary Coleman moment to look back on.

  9. You know what Neil? I don’t believe what you said in this post. Your post on Friday said (and I quote) “I’m going to be doing household chores all weekend, and thinking about my future.”
    Now supposedly you have travelled across the West leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake. Hmmmmm.

  10. Carla? Arizona?

    What are Dagny and I? Chopped liver?

    You had your chance.

  11. I can’t believe you didn’t try to sleep with Dooce while you were in Utah.

  12. HA! HA! HA! Sarah from Salt Lake City. Thanks for changing my name to protect my innocence.

  13. PsychoMom — Isn’t it true about the ice cream?

  14. Clearly, not enough men are reading this blog, because any man who’s a REAL man, like that mapper from last week, would immediately have known that I was way off in my directions. In order to hit Texas from Utah, I would have to first go through Colorado and New Mexico, or back through Arizona, which would be a waste of time, unless I wanted to “double dip.”

    usa_map.jpg

  15. Ice cream, whip cream, shaving cream, whatever it takes to beat out the other wives.

  16. Awww. You ruined the fun. I didn’t need to see the map to know that you were lying.

  17. stop for dinner in Boston on your way to Wyoming, why don’t you?

  18. What happened to Colorado???? It was right on the way..I have lots of single women friends…..

  19. Go to Texas. You only live once. There’ll be plenty of time for a relationship when you’re trip is over.

    Dagny – Is Scott as pathetic now as I think he is? God I loved him. I can’t bear to watch that show…

  20. As nice as it would be for you to make it to the East coast…I vote for some good therapy

  21. I don’t know. Are you coming to Kentucky?

  22. Finn, Scott is that pathetic, just clueless. His life coach keeps making him confront his exes. And he has to keep apologizing while they rip him a new one. On the latest episode, an ex told him that there is no way possible that he should ever get married or have kids. My fave though was when one of his Charles in Charge co-stars reminded him how he used to look through the latest issue of Playboy like it was a catalog for possible girlfriends.

  23. I didn’t even know about this Scott Baio show. You mean he isn’t living the high life? Didn’t he once have every woman after him?

    Does this mean that without Sophia at my side, roaming the country for some loving, I can quickly become the Scott Baio of the Blogosphere?

  24. Doesn’t it make more sense to complete the mission first before committing yourself to therapy?

  25. perhaps you could sleep with a therapist in every state, sort of kill 2 birds

  26. real relationships are overrated. completely.

    although i may just be saying that because i’m 25, unmarried, and depressed.

  27. I am kind of confused. But I guess I don’t know my United States well enough to follow entirely.

    T’made think of this journey that you might find interesting on the way, if you want to have some spiritual directions to, check out this moral compass here :

    http://newsinitiative.org/project/god_sex_family

  28. Good luck on the roadtrip Neil. Stay true to yourself. Penis: shut the hell up!! xx, JP

  29. Neil, I’m certainly no expert and don’t want to be a downer but wouldn’t it be a bit difficult to do a 50 women, 50 states road trip that includes Hawaii? I guess for Alaska you can make the trip through the great neighbor to the north and get free healthcare while you’re there, but I’m guessing Hawaii might present a whole different set of issues…

  30. Neil, Neil, Neil… While I’d love you to show up on my doorstep in Houston (hell, Texas is a BIG state – you’d have to double, maybe even triple or quadruple-dip here to be even with all those little states), I’m just wondering how 50 women in 50 states is going to go over with Sophia. If I were her, you’d be toast right now. But… I’m not her, and we’re both single people with sex on the brain, so hope to see ya when ya get here. 😀

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