Hi, there. This is going to be a short post because I’m writing this on the laptop while I’m driving across country. I took off on Friday to start my road trip. I’m not sure what this says about the morality of American women, but it is almost TOO easy to accomplish my goal of 50 women, 50 States.
My first stop from California was in Nevada, where I met Jennifer watching the Bellagio “water” show with her girlfriends. She was in Vegas for her bachelorette party and she was very eager to go for one last fling, especially when she heard my name and recognized it from all those “Best Blogs of the Blogosphere” lists.
“I’d love to be the first lay on your Road Trip!” she announced.
The sex was amazing. Her fiancee from back home, Dr. Anderson Traub of Wilmington, Delaware, is one lucky guy, that is if she still does this sort of stuff once she gets married. After a couple of rounds of intense lovemaking, I gave her some advice about her upcoming wedding.
“Always remember –” I told her, “that you and Anderson should enjoy the event as much as the guests. The wedding is for you!”
The best of luck to both of them! Mazel tov!
Recently, I had a discussion with Dagny about whether it is appropriate or not to mention the ethnicity of someone in a post. In Sedona, Arizona, I had an interesting experience. Does it really matter that Carla was a black woman? Probably not, but since it was my first experience bedding an African-American, I feel that this information is relevant. But even more importantly, I certainly think it is essential for you to know that Carla is a massage therapist and KEGELS instructor! That certainly mattered a lot more in bed than her skin color! When they say there is a “spiritual vibe” in the red rocks of Sedona, I now know what they are talking about! I certainly felt my chakras rising!
In Salt Lake City, I took some time out for a little tourism. The Mormon Temple is beautiful. And the members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir truly have voices like angels! I really appreciated being taken around the church grounds by my lovely tour guide, Sarah. After sitting through a few videos about her religion, she was more than willing to go out with me for some ice cream (she doesn’t drink and Salt Lake City has a lot of great ice cream making up for the lack of bars). As we enjoyed the sweets, I told her about my Road Trip, and she was so excited about participating Utah rocks! She was a lot of fun and a great conversationalist. Ironically — I thought this was amusing — the only sex position she doesn’t like is… the missionary one.
Despite the good times, I’m feeling a little down. I’m having some doubts about the whole enterprise. Once I accomplish it all, will there be anything to show for it? Will this be the biggest accomplishment of my life? Will I be like Gary Coleman or Todd Bridges, always looking back to the one sitcom they were in, knowing they never could achieve the same greatness?
And — I hate to bring up this mushy stuff — but what about love? Romance? Sure, there is something intriguing about bedding 50 women in 50 states? But isn’t there something a little superficial about the idea? I can see maybe going to Hawaii and having sex with some lonely busineswoman for the night, but ALL 50 States? Is this what our Founding Fathers really had in mind with the concept of ONE country, indivisible?
Where does love come into play with all this? Wouldn’t it be better to turn back, go into therapy, and try to make a REAL relationship work?
“No! Do not turn back!” said a German-sounding voice.
“Who is this?”
“This is Doctor Sigmund Freud, talking to you from the beyond! You must continue on with your quest!”
“Sigmund Freud my ass. That is the worst attempt at an accent EVAH, Penis.”
“You can’t turn back now. You’re doing so well!” said my Penis. “The last three days have been terrific! This is the best trip we ever went on together!”
“What about the time we went to Cooperstown with my parents?”
“You’re a moron, Neilochka. We couldn’t even masturbate that weekend because you were afraid of the parents walking in.”
“What about all the cool baseball stuff we saw at the museum. And remember that female docent? That was the first time I saw a woman not wearing a bra.”
“That’s right! And she kept on talking about Joe Dimaggio’s big bat! Boner-time Ha Ha. We were so immature back then!”
“That was a long long time ago.”
“Her name was Tracey.” said my Penis.
“The docent from Cooperstown? You remember her name, Penis?”
“Not only that! I googled her name and found out she now lives in Austin, Texas.”
“Why did you do that?
“Because we’re turning this car around and going to Texas to find Tracey. Ride ’em, Cowgirl!”
“This woman must be like sixty years old by now?”
“So? I don’t see any problem with that!”
Dear Reader: Please help me! Should I listen to my Penis and continue onto Texas
should I turn back like a rational person, find a good therapist, and focus on a real relationship?
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: The Sidewalk of Love