the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Saga Continues

I apologize for the last “depressing” post.    I’m not usually prone to feeling down.  I even feel selfish focusing on myself rather than Sophia.   She’s the one who should be depressed, but instead, she’s keeping her spirits high — thanks to many of you!

We heard back from her surgeon yesterday, and our celebrating was a bit early.  They saw some more DCIS in the sample they removed, meaning Sophia’s not over this mess just yet.  They will either want to do a THIRD surgery on her breast, or give her some sort of radiation therapy.   We’re waiting for the final results.

Doesn’t that suck?

We have to keep in mind that DCIS means “Stage 0” cancer, and no one has talked about more serious treatments, like chemotherapy.  But still, it is a major major major downer — and Sophia still hasn’t recovered from the first surgery.  Can’t someone invent some machine to see cancer cells without removing the tissue first?

I know my blog might seem like a downer lately.  Hopefully, you won’t see it like that, but instead focus on Sophia’s inspirational strength, like I do.

On a lighter note, Yahoo and Google mail are now embedding personalized “cancer treatment” ads with the mail.  Nice! 


  1. buzzgirl

    Ugh. Sorry about the results, but I’m still hopeful that everything will be fine in the end. The prospect of a third surgery does suck, but hopefully that will be the end of it all. Finally.

    And you may get another foot job out of it.

    Keeping you both in my thoughts.

  2. Danny

    As someone who IS prone to feeling down, I certainly understand why you are feeling depressed these days. That sucks about the possiblity of more surgery, but I like hearing “Stage 0” rather than any higher number.

    No need to apologize for so-called “depressing” posts, especially when they are just as entertaining as the ones filled with mirth.

    Much love to Sophia. Hope to see you both very soon.

  3. shortie

    Oh I’m just so sorry. 🙁 I wish I had something magical to say but I know I don’t. We’re here. Hug Sophia. And it’s ok to be sad and feel through it, it’s a must to move forward.

  4. chloe

    No apologies Neil, i enjoy reading you, no matter what the mood is.
    I am sure Sophia is going to be fine. And then you’ll take a looooong vacation.

  5. churlita

    Let yourself be down if you’re down. I think it’s far more dangerous to be in denial.

  6. echo

    I’m so sorry to hear that Sophia and you have to continue dealing with this. I think it’s normal for you to feel depressed and scared right now. Don’t hide those feelings, just try and focus on the positive as much as possible, it’s stage 0, she has good doctors and nurses and she has a supportive husband and a bunch of concerned friends.

  7. V-Grrrl

    No words. Just a long sigh.

  8. Lynnster

    Oh, Neil, I’m so sorry the news wasn’t better.

    Hang in there and will keep on sending good karma westward from the South.

  9. sizzle

    i’m sad to hear this news. and you know what? you get to feel depressed neil. you love sophia and you are right there with her going through this. it isn’t easy on either of you. honor those feelings, don’t stuff them. you won’t be any good to sophia if you pretend everything feels fine.

    big hugs.

  10. deezee

    So sorry…

  11. lizardek

    Oh ARGH, how aggravating and scary. You have a right to be depressed and upset, too! HUGS to you both.

  12. Jenn

    Neil, (and Sophia too)
    Hang in there. I know it feels overwhelming and scary, but it will get better. My sister has Stage 4 breast cancer. The doctors are “managing” it.
    She is doing great. She still goes to chemo– “chemo lite” she calls it. It just is at this point. While I certainly hope and pray for you both that Cancer doesn’t become a regular part of your life, just know that it is manageable.
    My sister is LIVING proof:
    and she looks awesome too…

  13. Bryna

    Sophia is one strong lady! And you are a knight in shining armor for being by her side. 🙂 I will keep you both in my prayers.

  14. NSC

    Hey, bud, even in a bad mood you are cheerier than me, so no worries. You and Sophia remain in my thoughts and prayers.

  15. Mariana

    They’re working on it (the guys who try to invent that machine). But knowing how research works, I think you should trust the doctors with what they’ve got already.

    No need to apologize, we understand that you are a real person.

  16. Non-Highlighted Heather

    I think I know what it is. The surgeon can’t keep his hands off of Sophia’s spectacular rack. I mean, c’mon, we all saw the pic from the comedy show, those are some great boobs. I can hardly blame the man….

  17. Karl

    Neil, sorry that things aren’t going as well as you both hoped. It’s not depressing to read your posts when you’re down. It’s just who you are at the moment and I’m glad you express it. More selfishly, I’m glad you express it where I can read it since I dig your writing so much. Give Sophia a big hug from me and as always, feel free to call if you want.

  18. psychomom

    Boo for cancer at any stage, I’m so sorry to hear this news. You have a reason to be down, don’t apologize, just don’t stay there too long.

  19. teebopop

    Neil it’s okay. If you tried to cover up how you are really feeling inside, then what’s the point of having your own blog anyway?

    It’s better to unload here than to get Sophia all worried about you.

    It’s going to be okay. It may not seem like it right now but Stage 0 is so much better than it could have been.

    On a lighter note…

    Although everyone in the blogosphere knows about your undergarment obsession (fetish?), what about Sophia? Could she be cheered up if the testosterone-laden fellas sent something her way? Just a thought.

  20. Not Fainthearted

    I just read your update. I’m going to be bossy. Feel free to ignore me, since you don’t even really know me.

    1) Don’t appologize for your feelings, dammit!
    2) Realize that the woman you love having to go through this mess is DEPRESSING. And not just for her.
    3) “Put on a happy face” works sometimes. Sometimes life just really sucks and you need to FEEL the suckage.

    And, this news does suck. I know that if we all had one wish it would be to make this all better for Sophia and you.


    p.s. my offer stands.

  21. Jurgen Nation

    They are working on those things; isn’t that awesome? Matt isn’t working on it directly, but that’s the kind of thing he does under his doctorate. I thought that was cool when I heard it. Little bots that fly around the body detecting cancer cells. Hopefully they get this hammered out soon, but who knows when.

    Thinking about both of you.

  22. paintergirl

    You do what you have to Neil.

  23. Amy K

    Neil, hang in there. My friend’s mom went through the *same* thing and all is fine now. Its nerve wrecking and you have every right to feel blue, but I do promise all will be just as it was before the cancer was found. xoxo

  24. heather anne

    Yuck. I am still sending all kinds of warm thoughts your way. 🙂

  25. steppingover thejunk

    well shit. you have every right. things will go up and down for a while, I would imagine and don’t ever deny what you are feeling.

  26. Bre

    Who ever said that blogs were only allowed to be upbeat? They’re supposed to be real and these last few posts have been very honest and very real! I’ll be praying for you and Sophia both as you cope with all of this!

  27. wendy

    you have been the opportunity to fight. I know you are tired of fighting and dealing and waiting. But this is a blessing. You will win this fight, and when it’s over and you have won, you will know the strenghth of the woman you love..and that will help you to fight stronger in the next battle. I have faith. I am on your side.

  28. question girl

    hey, its YOUR blog, you can blog what you want to…

    and if readers don’t like it, they can go to another site

    the rest of us will still be here for you and sophia for moral support

  29. Neil

    Question Girl said, “and if readers don’t like it, they can go to another site.”

    WHAT?! Go to another site! That’s the worst advice I’ve ever heard! Are you trying to give me nightmares?

    And yes, my mother did call, saying she read my posts at work, and was upset, and said I should write things about “happy stuff.” So, be prepared for some more songs from ABBA.

  30. Non-Highlighted Heather

    More Abba? Now I’m depressed.

  31. Two Roads

    Ditto what Danny said. If you need a pick me up just let me tell you about my life!

  32. Noel

    If Non-Highlighted Heather is right – “The surgeon can’t keep his hands off of Sophia’s spectacular rack. I mean, c’mon, we all saw the pic from the comedy show, those are some great boobs. I can hardly blame the man….” – then there’s a surgeon with a mirror image of the word “comedy” stamped on his hand.

  33. gorillabuns

    you should never apologize for writing what you feel.

    let it all hang out!

  34. Dagny

    I understand about the whole taking a chunk of tissue thing. I went through something similar myself in April. And given my family’s history of cancer, I was thoroughly stressed out by the time of the appointment.

    Don’t kick yourself for feeling a little blue. We all go through it, especially when a loved one is going through a lot of stuff.

  35. littlepurplecow

    May warm and cozy thoughts surround you like a well-worn purple bathrobe. Will say a prayer for you both tonight.

  36. tamarika

    Neil, I came to this late in the game. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you both. Tell Sophia I am coming to see her (and you!) next month! Ask Danny – he knows. Until then, and right now, I continue to hold you both in my thoughts.

  37. Kyra

    Neil, I would never apologize for expressing how you feel as you go through this. It would be unfair to deny yourself the freedom to feel and say what you want. *hugs to you both*

  38. sarah g

    Remember how we all told you that Sophia could feel however she needed to feel? That applies to you too.

    If youre down. Feel down. Regardless of the fact that for some reason, you dont think you should. Be strong for her, yes, but letting her know that it is hard for you too, conveys a much deeper love then being stoic.

    We care. When you’re down or when you’re high. (on life or ahem..)

    Blessings to you both!

  39. Caron

    Like Tom Petty sang, “the waiting is the hardest part.”

  40. better safe than sorry

    people deal with many different things many different ways. i say good for sophia, there is no reason not to stay optimistic and positive, it’s a big part of her recovery.
    as for you, if you want to feel down and depressed, go ahead. no wonder you feel frustrated, this is something happening to sophia that you can’t control. all you can do is sleep on the floor, make meals for her and then blog about it for your readers. no one here minds, i haven’t seen one comment left by anyone asking you to stop and find something else to write about. if you feel you’re letting your readers down, you’re not, but if thinking like that gives you even a few moments of thought without worrying about sophia, then go ahead, and worry about something else. you’re the guy, the guy that is actually seeing sophia through this. everyone can send her comments and get well cards, but you’re the guy who is actually there, she’s getting strength from you. i say do whatever you think you need to do, laugh, cry, write, complain, question why this is happening to her, but don’t for a second think you need to apologize to anyone. this is about you, doing whatever it takes to get you through this, because that’s what’s going to help sophia.

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