the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Return of the Prodigal Sophia

Have you ever been happy, depressed, excited, anxious, frustrated, and ecstatic all at the same time? That’s how I feel right now.

After two and a half months of misery, Sophia is coming home on Monday! It’s been over TWO MONTHS since she left for New York!

Of course I’m very excited, but I’m also very anxious. We’re going to be living in the same house for the first time in a while (“even though we will be remaining separated in reality” adds Sophia).ร‚ย  Now, if we have a fight, I have no where to run, unless some local blogger offers me their spare bedroom for the night.

Did I accomplish anything special in those two months alone? No.

Did I go into therapy like I promised Sophia in order to discuss some “issues?” No.

Did I write a screenplay that sold for a million dollars? No.

Did I find a high-paying full time job with medical benefits? No.

Did I take care of myself, eat the right foods, and exercise a lot? No.

Did I watch “Dancing with the Stars” last night because I am totally in love with the dancer Cheryl Burke? Yes.

Did I talk with my penis much too much? Yes.

Did I continue blogging successfully without having Sophia as my “editor?” Absolutely.

Today is Wednesday. I have so much to do before she arrives home.

I need to clean up the house.

I need to fix her car.

I need to tell Emily and Trish that they must find their own apartment.


  1. laurie

    Well, you did manage to see lots of new beds and you danced on youtube. WHAT MORE CAN SHE ASK FOR?

  2. Neil

    That’s true… and I got some leaves, too! Life was good.

  3. laurie

    Besides, a clean house and a clean mind are way overrated. And I’m glad she’s coming back ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Jordan

    Since I’m new to this blog, what exactly was Sophia doing for 2 months in NY?


  5. schmutzie

    Oh, happiness. I am even looking forward to her return. You looked far too lonely dancing with that household appliance.

  6. Neil

    Hi, Jordan.ร‚ย  For the last two and a half months Sophia has been working as a Russian dialect coachร‚ย on a movie in New York. The production hired a popular Russian actor and Sophia had to teach him to speak and act in English phonetically. She also had to coach his love interest to fake being Russian. So, she was working twelve to sixteen hours a day, and said I shouldn’t come visit her because I would be a distraction. There was a bit of controversy about this, both between us in private and also when I wrote about that on the blog!

  7. Two Roads

    I thought the leaves were going to be given special viewing status on the computer monitor? Did they die from lack of water????

    I really do hope you and Sophia can work things out – now go to therapy – it’s worth it in the long run!

  8. othurme

    I’m actually thinking the person who may need the most therapy here is Neil’s penis. Think about what he’s been through the last couple months…oh, the abuse!

  9. Jordan

    Oh wow. Complicated stuff! Are you two married, or just living in sin?



    Yay! I’m so happy for you and Sophia!

    Why go into therapy when you can talk to your penis anytime?

  11. deezee

    In order to get off of Sophia’s shit list, I will chastise you ferociously for not going into therapy if you promised you would. (Sophia, did that work?)

    Of course, now I will end up on your shit list. Commenting on your blog is hard work. I think I’ll have to go into therapy…

  12. Mo

    Cheryl Burke? Who’s that? Is that Emmitt’s partner?

    Exciting stuff, Sophia returns! I can’t wait to hear how it goes. Don’t forget to wear a big bow around your neck and nothing else when she comes in the door. Ta-daa!

  13. 2nd Pearl Past the Post

    (re: Did I accomplish)
    2 months?!? already? Time flies like a rubber chicken doesn’t it.

    (re: photos) lol.

  14. Neil


    Here are some updates I made to the post, as requested by Sophia: You see, the fun is already going on, and she’s not even back yet.

    I took out the word “horny” because Sophia does not want me to give the impression that just because we will be living in the same house, it means things go back to normal.

    I added “even though we will be remaining separated in reality” to our “living in the same home” because Sophia does not want me to think that we are officially together again.

    I should add that even though Sophia was in New York and was not my official “editor,” she still fixed my spelling errors.

    I should reveal that the first photo on today’s post of the messy room is not really from our home, and that I do NOT actually play the guitar, like is shown in the photo, because that would just be too sexy and it might make her horny.

    And yes, Cheryl Burke is Emmitt’s partner on “Dancing with the Stars.”

  15. Churlita

    Yea! for Sophia coming home.

    Will this mean that the penis will have a lesser role in your blog posts or a greater one?

    It is very brave of both of you to try to live together in separation. If I were you and it would help make things right with Sophia, I would get my ass to a therapist.

    You did put ads on your site, and that was something she suggested, right?

  16. Akaky

    Therapy, schmerapy, go talk to a rabbi. He’ll tell you the same thing the shrink will and he won’t charge you an arm and a leg for the privilege of crashing on his couch. Has Neil been taking his cholesterol medicine every day like he’s supposed to or does he have plaques in his arteries the size of cinderblocks because he wants to eat fat, salt, and sugar all day long, that’s the real question here.

  17. lizardek

    You don’t play the guitar? All my illusions are squashed.

  18. platkat

    Perhaps you could fix the car more easily if it were not upside down?

  19. Mist 1

    Please take the photo of my messy house down. I don’t post photos of you.

  20. kristen

    I liked to believe that all the pictures were completely factual, especially the car one, that cracked me up. I suppose separated in reality gets tricky in an apartment so if that garage really is yours, you might want to convert it to a F.R.O.G. just in case no local bloggers offer their couch.

  21. Janet

    It looks like Trish and Emily would be willing to clean for you…

    Yeah for Sophia!

  22. Neil

    Kristen — I have no idea what F.R.O.G. is? Is that some woman thing?

  23. Nance

    If I may…FROG = family room over the garage. At least where I live, it is.

  24. Ari (Baking and Books)

    I love Cheryl too, I think she has the sexiest figure and is one of the best professional dancers. ๐Ÿ™‚

    On another note: Yes, you really do need to clean up the house and what on earth happened to her car? Holy crap!!

  25. Abigail

    Dude, my college boyfriend’s dorm room IS that first picture.

  26. Blitz Krieg

    My boss offered me the opportunity to go to therapy or find a new job. I took the therapy since the company picked up the tab and continued to pay my salary. My therapist suggested I start writing down my issues between sessions and gave me a couple wonderful sites online for examples which I still read daily. Life is good at work, better at home and I done with my therapist but I’m still reading and writing. Life is good.

  27. melanie

    okay. get you some quick therapy… do they have all night emergency counseling where you are?

    cuz i am just sayin. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    good luck. all will be well. if you stop making bad choices!

  28. plain jane

    Shame on you for not going to therapy if you promised to. It’s not too late, call and at least make an appointment. Get out and exercise for the next 5 days, you will feel a lot better, I promise. That much you can do.

    P.S. That messy room scared me. For a moment I thought it was for real and I realized why you were separated.

  29. rdl

    I made that promise about 2 months ago now too. I’ll go if you go.

  30. Rhea

    Wow, the time DID fly. I mean, for me.

  31. Viscountess of Funk

    That room seriously looks like my dorm room in college. Except there were broken crunched up M&Ms in the carpet and beer cans everywhere. There was probably a life-sized cardboard photo of Rick Springfield too as it was the eighties. I’m happy for you that Sophia is returning soon. No more penis entries?

  32. fringes

    A few curiosity questions:

    Are you going to put a line of red tape down the middle of the living room? Neil’s side, Sophia’s side style?

    Will you be bed sharing? Will the red tape be used in the middle of the duvet?

    How goes it with the groceries? Labeled or communal?

    Will both of you agree to therapy and get this %^$& worked out?

  33. fringes

    By the way, the word prodigal doesn’t mean absent-then-returning. It means wasteful and extravagant. The prodigal son returned home because he was broke and hungry and homeless due solely to his prodigious spending.

    Your #2 editor is awake from her nap.

  34. marcail

    Joy/Panic continuum-what a ride. I’m thrilled for you both.

  35. kerrianne

    Ok, that room is scaring me right now. But love the guitar addition. : )

  36. Erleichda!

    Forget the shrink and the rabbi — get yourself a really good bartender. Preferably wise and old. Maybe a cigar-smoker with a gravelly voice. They know the answers to EVERYTHING. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m excited for you, though — my Favorite Man is 500 miles away & I only get to see him every couple of months. *woe!* So I understand how great it is just to be able to hang out with the person you love even if you’re not “together.”

    (And the pictures are hilarious!)

  37. Pearl

    A Poem:

    “Roll out the threadbare red carpet
    Go grab a Swiffer and waltz
    You got your readers with your dancing
    Now share with Sophia that same schmaltz!”

    Clearly you were missed, Sophia.

  38. Postmodern Sass

    Uncle. I concede, upon reading “even though we will be remaining separated in reality.” You win the Most Fucked Up Couple Who Clearly Love Each Other Award. Jack and I can only hope to come in a distant second.

  39. treespotter

    i’m guessing the devil is in the details and you left out faaar too many questions that would’ve ‘YES’ as an answer.

    and oh, do tell Trish and her friend, if they need a place to stay in the warmer climate, they’re welcome anytime. my bedroom is also a lot tidier these days.

  40. V-Grrrl

    What I want to know is whether Trish and Emily know about your Korean girlfriend from the donut shop…I’m thinking maybe they discovered you IMing her during a critical moment and trashed the apartment and car in a rage.

    There’s the opening scene in your screenplay….

  41. Jakob

    Okay, pal, I like brutal honesty. Blogging succesfully? Yes?

    Happy Halloween!

  42. kristen

    Nance was right, FROG = family room over garage and it’s often the room for the in-law’s that come to live with you. Or in Chevy Chase’s case, a place to hide when you still love your ex-wife, Goldie Hawn. Ok, now I’m really dating myself.

  43. Nancy

    You might want to get to work, Neil.

  44. K.Leigh

    The guitars look like a reflection in a pond. That makes me happy.

    And it’s so nice that you and Sophia are so open with eachother. I’m a huge fam of bluntness/brutal honesty.

  45. better safe than sorry

    i have a feeling emily and trish won’t be having any problems finding a new place.

  46. Lou P.

    Those pictures cracked me up. Explain to Sophia (in a condescending voice) that the two girls are there to take care of things that Sophia is unwilling (or unable) to do for you.

  47. rach

    It sure has been an interesting 2 months for you from my perspective. You’ve gone public on your blog with photos, dancing with the mop, although I use the term ‘dancing’ loosely, got a flikr, long chats with your member, oh and the girls? Well looks like you did better there than Sophia’s car. It’s been like watching a butterfly of self expression emerge. lol. Great as always Neilochka

  48. Joan

    Do you were lingerie? I think I saw some in the first picture. That’s interesting.

  49. sbukophile

    Will you two just cut through all the crap about the therapist and shit and stop denying that you are meant to be together and for all essential purposes you are still together, and that this “living together but being separated crap” is really silly! Just get back together dammit! (Although from a blog-reading perspective, it does make for good reading). If Neil and Sophia get back together, will that diminish your readership, much like on a TV show when the sexual tension between a couple finally ends and they get together and the show goes downhill. How’s that for messing with your head–blog readership vs getting back with Sophia…

  50. plain jane

    Oh dear…Joan, don’t open up the whole lingerie issue. Haven’t you read the many “panty posts”?

  51. Akaky

    Yikes, how did I miss the misuse of prodigal?! Ye gods, I didnt even notice it! Arggghhhhh!

  52. Neil

    Jeez — I guess I did use “prodigal” incorrectly.

    But the dictionary says: “One who is given to wasteful luxury or extravagance,” so it still works.

  53. Dating Dummy

    Well, there goes Halloween!

  54. Leah

    So nice that Sophia is coming back!! You should let her be a guest poster!! We want to hear what Sophia has to say as well. I’m very intrigued to hear her side of this story.

    And moreover, I’m rooting for you guys to “not be separated.”

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