When I was in film school, we would get movie directors and writers come to our class and show us their latest film releases. While it was fun seeing the movies, the post-movie discussions were usually as dull as hell. Students would ask the filmmakers stupid questions, and the professionals would respond with self-important answers.
Q: “What were your artistic influences in the cinematography of Police Academy 7?”
A: “I’ve always been a big fan of Godard… blah blah blah…”
I was recently interviewed for a new website called The Blog Reader. Luckily, most of the conversation didn’t make it on the site, because I would have probably come off as a pretentious blowhard myself. It wasn’t all my fault. The interviewer, a pleasant woman named Jessica, asked me those questions that I hated in film school.
Q: “In that post where you mentioned Emily Dickinson, were you trying to show the dichotomy between 19th Century Literature and modern technologically-produced writing?”
A: “You mean the one where I f***ed Emily Dickinson and then she started to stalk me?”
At first I giggled at her academic questions to me, but soon I became like a druggie on crack. Someone was taking me seriously! Yes, I did read Emily Dickinson in college! Yes, I do see blogging as a literary experience. Yes! Yes! Yes!!
To Jessica, I wasn’t just a trained monkey, entertaining women in the hope of getting some photos sent to me of their tits. To Jessica, I was an ARTISTE! I even discussed my talking Penis as a literary device.
“I’ve always been a big fan of Kafka,” I said.
What could be more ego-gratifying? Here I was, a former English major, talking about my literary influences. And now I was talking to some intellectual woman about how my own c**k was a piece of literary history, like Don Quixote, Jane Eyre, and Holden Caulfield.
Of course, I’ve now gained some experience on giving interviews. You need to be wary of blabbing about everything.Â You’re never sure how the interviewer is going to portray you. That is why Tom Cruise interviews with his Public Relations person at his side.
After Sophia read the interview, she called me, not very happy. It seems as if I was quoted as saying “Sophia HELPS edit SOME of the posts” when in reality — she edits ALL of my posts and very often makes them much funnier. But I’m sure you can all understand how I made that simple slip of the tongue.
Now I’m waiting for someone to comment on this quote:
â€œYouâ€™re seeing a high school kid, [for example], writing for the first time,â€ he said. â€œI mean, when was the last time before blogging that people wrote anything? Now people are writing all the time. I think itâ€™s great. There are some blogs that are far and away better quality than others. Some of them, my best friends online, may not have the best written blogs, but they have a lot of heart to them.â€
After reading this, Sophia said, “You realize you just said that some of you best online friends have shitty blogs, don’t you?”
Interview on The Blog ReaderÂ (the interviewer was Jessica Strul, and she was actually a terrific interviewer!Â She had a great sense of humor and I enjoyed talking with her).
A Year Ago in Citizen of the Month: Stretching the Juice
Well, I didn’t want you reading mine anyhow, you pompass ass. haha You know I love you, even if I may be in that quoted category.
*LMAO* even if i do have a shitty, man bashing at times, woe is me blog
Great interview, Neil. You came off as just the right amount of pompous, in my opinion. 😉
“Have a lot of heart?!?!” sheesh.
Nelumbo, I’m sure he took “Have a lot of heart” from watching so much of World Poker Tour with me. The commentator there always says of players he likes that they have a lot of heart.
Whoa now, lets not degrade your c**k by comparing it to Holden Caufield.
All of us tend to get cocky when talking about inspirations in an interview-like setting. Congratulations.
Screw this. When is James Lipton going to ask Sophia what her favorite curse word is?
A lot of heart? Ha! I’ve got BIG TITS. And now I’m not sending you a photo! If only they could talk, they’d tell you the truth, but hey, I’m not gifted with talking body parts that double as literary devices.
And here I raise my glass to the brilliant Sophia! Behind every good writer, is a fabulous editor taking the writer from wobbly drafts to greatness.
(Can you tell I worked as an editor? Do I sound pompous? Where’s my PR person? Wait, wait, wait—didn’t I work for 10 years in PR? Have I forgotten EVERYTHING?)
One of my best friends got into a fabulous film master’s program after an interview in which he explained why Fletch and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off were two of his favorite movies. I always wanted to meet the people who interviewed him.
What was her reaction to the Emily Dickinson comments? Oh and I hope I am not in the shitty blog section.
Very funny Neil
And i love the
“online airing of dirty laundry” comment
Ha! Ha! Ha! (I just learned that that’s how pompouses (I can make such words cause am ME) laugh. You should know! Ha!
Never mind Neil, I love you anyways! Though she’s right, our Sophia!
I can’t imagine who you mean. As for Sophia, is there no end to her talents? Actress, editor, great beauty, dazzling wit! She’s putting us all to shame.
I’m beginning to think you’re really Sybil and Sophia and your penis and Neilochka are just some of your many, many, MANY split personalities.
It’s only a little shitty, and there’s a lot of yearning heart.
Every time I get asked about film school I get questions about the philosophy of Hitchcock…and always reply I wrote a thesis on WOODY ALLEN!
Ugh…Sophia can be such downer sometimes with her realism. I mean c’mon…there are blogs out there that just plain suck. But it doesn’t matter. People write for many reasons. I write to vent not to entertain others. So there Sophia!!!! 🙂
Two words: Awe. Some.
Your Penis couldn’t hold a candle to Jane Eyre. I’m almost positive that your penis couldn’t really hold anything, unless it is a mutant penis and has fingers and a thumb.
Your Penis couldn’t hold a candle to Jane Eyre. I’m almost positive that your penis couldn’t really hold anything, unless it is a mutant penis and has fingers and a thumb, or something like that.
I can honestly tell you that your penis talking is a hell of a lot more bearable than Don Quixote.
I can’t wait for the day that my kids return home from school to report that they learned about Don Quixote, Jane Eyre, Holden Caulfield, and Neil’s pecker.
I will keel over.
Will “Neil’s Pecker” have Cliffs Notes?
Are you trying to start something? Cause I could really kick some pompous ass!
Your friends should just be happy that you read their blogs ~grin~ And at least you remembered to mention them for the interview ~bigger grin~
Hey, I’m not worried that you think my blog is shit. I know you only stop by for the T & A, and not for the writing.
Nice interview, buster!
I wonder who will star in “Neil’s Pecker” the movie? Will your penis need a body double for the stunt scenes?
Your best friends online have shitty blogs, eh? Neil Neil Neil. What were you thinking? You’re going to need to post multiple blog crushes of the day to save your ass after that comment.
Yeah, I agree with Rabbit. Neil, you’re going to have to write a public retraction of that statement about your best online friends’ shitty blogs.
Does heart preclude good writing? Discuss amongst yourselves.
Oh, and when discussing cinema, always throw in Godard’s name for good measure (other French New Wave directors will do too, but he’s the best name to drop, by far.)
I don’t disagree with you, Neil. There are a lot of ‘good’, but not so well-written blogs out there. Thanks for being honest.
What I was trying to say was that while I might choose a novel solely on the basis of its “good reviews,” I judge a blog on the heart-felt emotion of the person writing it, and not on their spelling errors. Not that I mean that my online friends can’t spell for crap, or that they are semi-illiterate. I just mean that the superficial aspects of writing aren’t important to me. I mean, you are a terrific bunch of amateur writers… uh, I mean I know some of you graduated high school — I hope, ah, jeez, let me just come out and say it — I like most of my online friends to be dumb blonds with nice tits — with a few guys sprinkled in so I don’t look gay.
I loved the ‘separation’ and ‘sex’ posts of yours that she linked to in the interview. I hadn’t yet read those having just discovered your blog in the last couple months. You are a true original, and I also agree about blogs. My blog bores even me sometimes but its also a way to stay in touch with friends without having to update again and again as to what I’m up to. What I love about yours is there is always something new. I never can guess what you will write about next and its always funny and endearing.
Oh well. Congratulations anyway.
Since I’m new hear, I’ve never seen your penis quoted, but I’m looking forward to hearing its views.
Sounds like someone needs someone to flak for you … because you totally forgot to mention Crocs, your love of anorexia and your many trips to the Olive Garden …
Talking points. You need talking points.
The interview was far too short. Nary a quote from the talking penis in there. I feel gypped.
Well, I’m sure your penis is pleased with the interview.
I love blogs with lots of typos, so mine looks better in comparison.
Just another big boobed brunette left out in the cold…
Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of the nail getting hit on the head.
HEY NEIL – WHAT ABOUT US BIG BOOBED BRUNETTES!?!?!?!
Jeez, how does anyone live in the public eye without getting in trouble with the SOMEONE in the AUDIENCE. My apologies to brunettes, redheads, black, Asian, Latino, green-haired, and bald women with nice tits… or even if you DON’T have nice tits… but at least have a nice ass… I love you, too.
Do you not like us ladies with pretty eyes? I’m told I have very pretty eyes …
That’s it. I’m gay. Men are just easier to deal with.
Its OK if my blog is crappy, i’m good with that. I worry about my kids reading my blog because of some of the stuff I write but I know its probably stuff I’ve said out loud in real life so they won’t be entirely shocked to find out their mother drinks, smokes and well hasn’t had sex in a while.
The rest of my family (most whom are dead) realize that they are the butt of all of my jokes and would remain so even if I didn’t blog. We’re all stupid like that; it runs in the family
Nice interview Neil.
Hey, I’m blonde. And kinda dumb. And I’ve got decent tits. Does any of that excuse my blog for being so shitty?
So Neil your GAY! We knew it! And now all the big-boobed brunettes (and the flat-chested online LIARS, ahem) can dedicate ourselves to setting you up.
I know a cute gay male blogger in NY who may be just your type….
I was going to say something about that shitty blog shot, but there is just something about the concept of a penis holding a candle to Jane Eyre that makes me wonder…was Rochester watching? And does this mean that there will be more Bronte porn available at public libraries?
Thatâ€™s it. Iâ€™m gay. Men are just easier to deal with.
Ok, NOW I’m starting to get turned on.
So am I going to see you on Letterman next?
What a lovely interview. And doncha know, married men and gay men are not refuge, mere challenge for a woman? Not me of course. I like an easy accessible man. 😉 like my own.
” … entertaining women in the hope of getting some photos sent to me of their tits.”
So that’s what you’ve been doing.
I wanna be like you when I grow up.
“how my own c**k was a piece of literary history, like Don Quixote, Jane Eyre, and Holden Caulfield”.
Alot of people have always thought Holden Caulfield was also kind of a dick.
If you read the tags in order it works as a good summary. However, I wouldn’t agree with the statement ;P
Also, there is a error in the editing but that’ll be our little secret.
Well, Sophia is right. You did say that. However, I believe honesty is always the best policy.
So, where do I fall? Shitty or not-so-shitty?
Hey, not to sound like a pretentious blowhard, but maybe there’s a connection between shitty writing and the deep-seated fear in American culture of sounding pretentious–?
It’s as if our entire culture is terrified of either sounding like a total nerd, or of making an earnest, “intellectual” comment (such as citing godard as an inspiration) and being told they’re wrong, or finding themselves unable to justify their opinion…
I don’t know. But I think bloggers are so busy trying not to sound pretentious that they end up excelling at mediocrity.
Maitresse — Interesting point. I always found it fascinating how intellectuals and authors are on primetime television in France. There is something very anti-intellectual about American culture, which is sad, although some may say that this is just the flip-side to our country being less elitist and more open to differences amongst people.