the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Comedy and Modern Science


Last Friday, Sophia and I went with blogger-pal Danny and his wife, Kendall, to the Hermosa Beach Comedy and Magic Club.  It is one of the best comedy clubs in Los Angeles, well-known as the club Jay Leno performs every Sunday night, trying out his monologues.  It is a great place to visit when you come to Los Angeles  Afterwards, remember to drop by Sophia’s house in Redondo Beach for some tea and cookies.

At Friday’s performance, we were sitting next to a rowdy table of ten.  They all seemed drunk.  In the center of the bunch were two twins, both blond Pamela Anderson types, both wearing skimpy halter tops.   It was their birthdays.   (Danny later discovered that these “twins” were the Costello Twins and they are known for something in C-level Hollywood.    Look it up yourself.   It’s not that interesting.)

The show consisted for four acts.  During each act, Blond Twin #1 would stand up, talking to the comedian on the stage — wanting to bring the attention to herself.   Even though the comedians seemed annoyed, they tried to keep it light, realizing she was drunk and it was her birthday.

But the audience was getting increasingly pissy.

The headliner for the evening was the very funny Ralph Harris.  Towards the middle of his routine, Blond Twin #1 stood up for the fourth time.

“I like you.  You’re funny.” she slurred.

“Uh, yeah, thanks,” Ralph Harris said.  “Could you sit down now?”

But Blond Twin #1 did not sit down.   Instead, she pulled down her halter top and flashed her breasts to the comedian — and the rest of the audience.

Now, I know what you’re thinking while you’re reading this at home or in the office.

“Why is Neil telling me this story?” 

I tell this true-life tale for an important reason.  I think it’s time to prove to my female readers that not all men are horndogs.  As this blond beauty turned my way, her breasts bare to the world, my eyes didn’t pop out of their sockets like a cartoon character.  I didn’t drool all over myself.   The table didn’t miraculously lift a foot off the ground.

No, I sat there and pondered modern science.    I thought:

“When are they ever going to make fake boobs that don’t look like large bocce balls?”

A Year Ago On Citizen of the Month:  The Blog is Mightier Than the Sword


  1. mari

    drunk well meaning audiences are often worse than the worst hecklers.

    I’m first! Woo! x

  2. jackt

    They should make breast implants with a remote control inflate/deflate function. Kinda like a Reebok pump. That way a lady can change her cup size depending on her mood and outfit. And it helps when trying to crawl through tight openings.

  3. Dagny

    I just had a long conversation in email today (OK. It was really yesterday but who’s going to get picky about that?) with a woman from Baltimore about a comment on Laurie’s site about fake boobs. (This woman who lives in SoCal is frequently asked if hers are real.) The poor woman in Baltimore wrote to ask me if this was a joke. I sadly had to tell her that women’s boobs — fake or real — were indeed an actual conversation point in California. And as I told her, looking down, I know that I will never be asked this question. Then again I naturally wear a size 2. Size 4 on my fatter days.

  4. anne

    Not sure about the modern science bit, but that picture sure is funny.

  5. Dagny

    Now I renember my point. There is no way possible that anyone their size (I’m going to say a size 6, maybe an 8 at the largest) can have a chest that size without surgical help. Yes, there are the rarities. But two in one family? I think not.

    I would not have had to see boobs in the breeze to say that.

  6. Neil

    If plastic surgery makes someone feel happier with their body, I say go for it. I’m sure I have readers who have had it done themselves.

    But if a woman is going to show me her boobs in a comedy club, it’s hard not to make them part of your after-show conversation.

  7. kimananda

    I have heard that people pay extra for the ‘bocce ball effect’.

  8. ams

    2 shows for the price of one (or is that 3 shows if each of the twins flashed you??). lucky you left your mother at home

  9. Michele

    Real boobs are great, no matter what size they are. Why would any woman want boobs that get all mutilated? That is just so sad to me.

    Maybe that is why I live in the midwest. I shudder at plastic surgery.

  10. Erin

    Boobs are a pain in the ass… I have disproportionately large bosoms and there is not a day that goes by that I wish I would have asked God for a car instead. Boobs are so….boring…

  11. Allan

    “When are they ever going to make fake boobs that don’t look like large bocce balls?”

    To bad you or the comedian on stage didn’t blurt that out.

    That might have shut her up.

  12. The Moviequill

    after drooling over that photo and reveling in your description of the twins assets, of course I just have to know… how were the drinks and were they expensive?

  13. V-Grrrl

    Y’know, the prevalence of fake boobs that look like inverted cereal bowls gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “Tupperware lady.”

    Anyone remember Steve Martin’s movie, “LA Story”? In it there’s a scene where he’s fondling his new girlfriend’s breasts and he exclaims, “Your breasts are so, so, um so DIFFERENT.” To which Sarah Jessica Parker says with resignation and a bit of embarrasment, “I know. They’re real.”

  14. Non-Highlighted Heather

    On days that I wear a bra, I can get asked if my boobs are fake. But on days where I decide to go unsupported, the mere fact that my nipples drag on the ground is proof enough that they’re all mine.

  15. The Retropolitan

    A foot off the ground, Neil?

  16. teahouseblossom

    Heh. Did you know that Costello is an Irish name, even though you wouldn’t guess it?

  17. Roberta

    Seriously, all that, the full description of the bimbotic drunken rude oblivious attention-seeking behavior, the feature of the scantily clad matching barbie-matons — this was all to prove what a great guy you are? To, what, restore our faith in men and perhaps in all humankind?
    It worked! My love for life is renewed!
    Thank you.

  18. party girl

    Fake boobs, not hot. Bad fake boobs, really not hot. Bad, tight fake boobs jammed into a boob that was originally an, A cup that is now at least a D cup, so, so very much not hot.

    Girls who need to draw attention to themselves at the detrement of ruining other people’s evenings and time out with friends, so beyond not hot.

  19. Kevin

    And you asked this very question to Sophia thus proving that you are a good and decent man and she fell madly in love with you all over again. Right? RIGHT?

  20. Elisabeth

    I assume that those twins are identical – and I mean the boobs, not the Costello girls. Can we refer to their cleavage as “silicone valley”?

  21. AWE

    My God, they are hideous. I couldn’t believe it. I am going to save that link for future reference.

  22. Neil

    The cliche is that LA is plastic surgery central, but I’m sure that it is a world-wide phenomenon by now. I think I even read that Australia has the highest percentage of surgeries.

    But it is a little scary that when I open the LA Weekly (the local ‘alternative’ newspaper — sister to New York’s Village Voice), and every other advertisement is for breast implants, Botox, or ‘vaginal rejuvinaton.’

    Maybe rather than doing this ‘Biceps witb Bloggers’ thing, I should just buy myself some Biceps.

  23. Blonde Vigilante

    I hate people like that when I go to see comediens. Then the people get pissy when the comedian starts to joke them. It’s a never ending cycle.

    I don’t get the whole fake boob phenom either, but maybe that’s because I have big boobs. Whatever! A flat chest looks better than a fake one any day. You just add a lever of cheapness to yourself when you get fake tits. It makes you look like your getting ready to bombard someone in a water balloon fight and you don’t want them to know your going to start one. Oh well, I guess breast feeding children is underrated or something….someone get me another cup of coffee.

  24. Margaret

    If I ever get implants, I’m going to ask specifically for croquet balls.

  25. Tanya

    Thank god I don’t need to get my tits done.

  26. Melissa

    Well, at least they will never drown. Maybe that’s not such a good thing?

  27. Bre

    Ugh. I wonder why they think the rock hard volleyballs stitched just below their throats look good… cause it really just scares me!

  28. maribeth

    I went to school with some Costello twins. Perhaps fortunately, these were not the same ones.

  29. Neil

    Fake boobs are so prevalent on TV that I hope they don’t start to be considered “the norm” and real boobs seen as “weird.” You already see this trend in waxing. Since when did it become “natural” to have your netherlands look like a porn stars?

    And doesn’t the added weight of fake boobs just give you back pain?

    But then again, this wasn’t supposed to be a post about fake boobs. It was supposed to be about ME — and how wonderful and mature I AM. And that I can appreciate a woman’s nakedness without it being a sexual thing — as I would a piece of art. So, for instance, if some female blogger just happened to email me some…

  30. Danny

    Those Costello babes were so beyond obnoxious that I ended up feeling sorry for them. Because they are gorgeous, sexy twins, most people must treat them in such a way that has given them a sense of entitlement and they’ve lost the ability to “read a room” because they’re so used to being idolized. Remember how they kept turning around to the crowd to get their support but the crowd (including us) was increasingly disgusted by their antics which really was ruining the show? “Look at me…aren’t I cute?” Not when you’re wasted, girlie. But maybe they’re really nice and well balanced when they’re not drunk off their asses? I did get a good look at that one twin’s boobs and it didn’t even occur to me in the moment that they were fake. The twins were awfully young, are you sure those things weren’t God-given? Maybe not…

    P.S. My favorite part of the evening was when Sophia tried to shut them up. She is the COOLEST!

  31. Neil

    Danny — next time we meet, Sophia can give you her “Easy 3-step Program” of figuring out when a boob is fake.

    1) Gravity
    2) Relation of breast size to rest of frame.
    3) Nipples pointing towards ceiling.

  32. Tara

    It sounds like girlfriend needs to take a seminar on the difference between good attention and bad attention.

    Plus, what a highly evolved man you must be not to be taken in by all that silicone. All of the other blogging women would be wise to send you naked pictures of themselves as a reward for your behavior (not that you would objectify the blogging women by actually looking at their photos…)

  33. Dan

    And just to prove that there are still men in the world who are horn dogs, I never once questioned why you were telling the story; just pursed my lips, gently nodded my head and mouthed the words ‘Thank you.’

  34. laurie

    That image at the top of the page? It looks like they’re conjoined somehow, with one girl’s twin springing fully-formed from her own butt. Yet they’re in lingerie with the pouty come-hither faces. It’s weirding me out, Neil.

  35. Roberta

    Neil, to your point that you were never trying to make — this is the frightening thing about all the plastic surgery. Kids are getting all kinds of work done in high school. No one will look like their parents, because their parents will have had surgeries. Any ‘flaw’ is becoming less and less acceptable, because too many people are ‘perfect’ looking. Individuality and ethnicity are truly starting to be erased (remember that Twilight Zone ep – Number Twelve Looks Just Like You?)
    And, PS, I’m torn about it. I’ve had cosmetic surgery, a year following a gastric bypass, and, yeah, I wouldn’t mind more at some point. My ethics/my vanity, my ethics/my vanity; what to do, what to do.
    My boobs are smaller, but pretty slammin’. It’s troublesome.

  36. bettyonthebeach

    A FOOT off the ground, Neil? Impressive 🙂

  37. Paris Parfait

    Ah, Neil – I’ve said it before, you’re a comic genius. It’s sad how some women feel the need to mutiliate themselves for some warped sense of “beauty” and feel it’s the only way they can get attention. As someone who’s naturally well-endowed (damn it! Back aches, hard to fit certain clothes, etc.), I don’t understand why anyone would deliberately subject themselves to such torture.

  38. Dagny

    A former co-worker, who is now 21, got her boobs when she was 18. Don’t be fooled by youth, Danny.

    Oh, and I love Sophia’s test. You can usually tell by just the first two alone.

  39. Neil

    Dan — As a sophisticated guy, surely you realize that the real girls looked very little like those glamour photos. With the right lighting and makeup, I can look like that.

    Betty — Uh, about the table being a “foot” off the ground. I appreciate you noticing the detail, but keep in mind that the club was called “The Comedy and Magic Club.”

  40. chantel

    I still believe you’re all horndogs. Her plastic surgeon must be C-List too!

  41. Roberta

    That’s it.
    Your attention to detail and tendency towards honoring requests have officially made you my blog crush of the day.
    Officially except I don’t have an official blog crush of the day.
    Plus I’m still new around here, and don’t read that many, so there’s not a lot of competition.
    But the sentiment is there.

  42. better safe than sorry

    i was sort of expecting a blog about goat’s milk or something, instead about breasts. i think modern science does know how to make a fake breast that looks natural, however, they come in a size that would fit the average woman, i don’t imagine that’s the size the twins wanted.

  43. Neil

    Better Safe — Don’t worry, there’ll be more “goat” posts soon.

    Ha Ha, only kidding!

    Get it — KIDDING? A kid? A baby goat? Do you get it now?

  44. justrun

    When I was about seven I was riding in the car with my grandpa when a woman in a passing car lifted her shirt and flashed us.

    “Why did she do that, Grandpa?” I asked.

    “Because she didn’t want us to remember her for what a bad driver she is.”

    Morale of the story: women show their breasts in public when they have nothing else with which to gain attention.

    By the way, this happened in L.A.

  45. jill

    *golf claps* Give me a minute. . . I’m just adding that fact to your man-of-the-year nomination. “Neil Kramer: Doesn’t like bad boob jobs.” 😉

  46. Caryn

    What, you have something against bocce balls?

    In other news, I miss going to the Comedy & Magic Club … and to Sophia’s for tea and cookies. Oh wait, scratch that last part.

    Great stuff, Neil! Keep it, uh, up.

  47. sara lee


    Please add:

    4)If they point to the ceiling when she is laying down (and they are larger than a B cup)…they are Fake!!!

  48. Sandra

    Aww, Neil — I’m the blog crush for the day? I adore you even more now. (swoons)

    As for the boobs, I saw a girl on the Methadone Bus yesterday who I believe doubled as a flotation device. I was having a very hard time not staring at her chest — it really looked like it was about to explode.

  49. TWM

    Similar incident at a recent Neil Diamond (my man) concert. Drunk hot, but cheap looking, blonde with fake hooters dancing and trying to get Neil’s attention much to the annoyance of the rest of the audience.

    She could have been the finest woman in the world (Except for Sophia of course), but all I could think of was would some woman please just knock her out with a purse so we could enjoy the show.

  50. Brian

    So let me get this straight… You were being flashed by a girl with fake boobs, and you were thinking about balls?

    I think we need a trip to the topless bar to further explore this issue.

  51. Rabbit

    So, Neil, I’m small-framed yet I’m still a 36C (they’re real). Seeing as how you can look at a woman’s body in a non-sexual way, if I were to send you a picture, could you tell me if my boobs look fake?

  52. Neil

    Rabbit — I promise to give you my opinion to the best of my ability.

  53. Rabbit

    That’s what I love about you, Neil. You’re so thoughtful and generous.

  54. Carly

    They *do* make them in non-bocce form, it’s just most women don’t take the time out to do the research to figure that out before having melon halves shoved into their chest cavity. That takes too much brainpower. (Or, they did the research and like the bocce look better, but 9 times out of 10 it’s the former.)

    Me? Judgmental? Never.

  55. Leah

    ahhhh…spoken like a true gentleman. 🙂

  56. kristen

    Yes, when will enhanced boobs look like something other than a melon stuffed under the skin?
    I grew up in the South Bay and know that comedy club well and it’s always been good, even back when I lived there a LONG time ago.
    Thank you for stopping by my blog.

  57. Wendy

    The hub once sent me an online test to tell which were real and which were fake. Most were extremely obvious – like the ones you had the opportunity to see at the comedy club. A few, however, looked pretty natural.

    But I wonder – does having bocce ball boobs (love the aliteration) cause one to be ruder in public? Perhaps. Maybe it’s all about that “look at me” thing…I wonder….

  58. Brooke

    And my faith in men has been restored. Temporarily.

    I read Jill’s comment as, “Neil doesn’t like bad blow jobs.” It greatly confused me.

  59. emma

    Oh Neil, you do seem unusual. Isn’t the reason most men like fake boobs, presicely because they look fake?

    Every porn model I’ve ever known (and I’ve known a handful) had to get her tits and even genitals out whenever they went to a club. It’s really quite sad, that desperate need for attention, that leads them to flash their bits and bobs to all and sundry.

  60. Painterbeachgirl

    RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Very nice to know all men arent into the big breast thing. Sometimes, it is all about the nipple.

  61. Alex

    Not everyone who has big boobs and is otherwise small-boned has had plastic surgery! I am one of them and hate when people have assumed I’ve had surgery to make them look like bowling balls. On a separate note, as I read your last two posts, I was thinking about your aspiring to make a living writing your blog as Dooce does, and I just wanted to say that one of the two ways I sometimes torture myself (the other way is by listening to Republican radio on occasion when I am driving) is by reading her blog. Adorable and truly wonderful as her daughter is, I wish she’d take a cue from you and write more about something-anything!- else at this point. I like that so many of your posts are about so many different things!

  62. Janet

    I second the comment above mine. (This really is a small world after all… I love the blog of Dooce!)
    And just like there are women out there who have other things on their minds besides the male anatomy, there must be men of the same caliber. I’m glad you’re one of them!
    You write very well. This was fun to read.

  63. rachh

    Quote from Rach’s mum:
    you can take girls out of the council estate (trailer park) but you cant take the council estate out of the girls.

  64. Rae

    No drooling, good on you, you didn’t let the side down.

  65. anne arkham

    Some of them look pretty good, but there are a lot of implants that are purposely designed to look fake, because people ask for that look. I think the implants are called “high profiles”.

  66. Stefanie

    I surprised those gals weren’t onstage doing some schtick. I hear one of the Costello Twins’ left breast is a riot.

  67. Michelle

    This comment is sooooo late, but I’m highly amused to find this. Especially since I went to college with these two and remember the day they returned to campus after daddy bought them those bocce balls for their 21st birthday!! They were drunk a lot back then, too.

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