the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

April Fool’s Day Prank


Psst… hey.  It’s Neil’s Penis here.  Neil is asleep so I have to whisper.  

Saturday is my favorite holiday —  April Fool’s Day.  And I’m thinking of playing a little trick on Neil, right here on this blog.  Are you game?

I love April Fool’s Day.  Maybe its because I’ve always considered myself a bit of a jokester.  There’s nothing funnier than playing a little gag on Neil.  Sometimes, I pop up at the most inopportune times — just to bug and embarrass him.  I remember once rising into action during a pitch meeting with an important female executive who wasn’t wearing a bra.  I don’t ever remember laughing so hard in my life.

You might think me cruel, but actually, there’s a long literary tradition of the "Fool."  Was it not the Fool who was wiser than King Lear?

Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest.

You’re surprised I know that?   You think just because I’m a cock that I’m not well-read?  Who the fuck you think writes all of Neil’s smart posts?  Without me, he’s a drooling idiot who writes cheap gags about Zelnorm! 

Most women think the Penis is the dumb one. 

"He’s thinking with the head down there, not the head up there"  is the typical cliched statement by a woman. 

But, in reality, I’m the real "brains" behind the person you call Neilochka.

In fact,  just this morning I was telling Neil how he could increase his female readership:

Penis:  "Write this down, Neil.  Here are the three posts you need to write over and over again to win over the female audience.  More stuff about how you appreciate a strong and intelligent woman.  More stuff about how you love little animals, particularly cats.   And more stuff about how your greatest joy in life is eating a woman’s pussy."

Neil:  "But none of that is…"

Penis:  "Just say it, you moron.  (looking towards heaven)  God, why were you so cruel to hang a penis like me on an idiot like him?"

All in all, I guess Neil is OK, even if he is a little simple-minded.  But that’s why I love playing gags on him. 

So, here’s my April Fool’s joke:

It seems that there’s one thing that Neil really hates about the blogging world — the way it’s been taken over by those only interested in self-promotion or marketing.  Neil thinks "real" blogs should be about mundane things — like what you had for lunch yesterday or why your ex-boyfriend is a jerk.  

A few months ago, Neil got fed up with all these so-called bloggers that he decided not to call his blog a blog anymore:

"From now on, I will think of "Citizen of the Month" as a "Shpritz."

shpritz:  a short spray of seltzer from a seltzer bottle

Every day, I will write a daily Shpritz.

And like a shpritz from a bottle, a literary shpritz will spray you in the face to get your attention, but it will never, ever stain your clothes.

Good-bye, blog.  Hello, Shpritz."

Neil is always slow to change.  Not only isn’t he on MySpace, like I am, but he doesn’t even own an iPod!  He is what they used to call "a traditionalist."  He thinks blogging should be about expression, not self-promotion.  This doesn’t really surprise me.  Neil is old-fashioned in everything.   For god’s sake, he thinks fucking with "the woman on top" is "getting kinky!"

So, here’s my idea.  Neil has a cold and isn’t going to read his blog again until Saturday; nor is Sophia because the schmuck got her sick too.  I suggest that that we totally hijack this post and comments and fill it with the things he hates the most — self-promotion and marketing. 

Yes, it’s the First Annual April Fool’s Day "Promote Yourself on Neil’s Blog and Annoy the Hell Out of Him."

Do you have a book that’s coming out?  Email me about it.  Or write something about it in the comments.

Do you want people to listen to your songs on MySpace?  Write about it. 

Do you have an online store selling jewelry?  Tell us about it!

Are you looking for a new job?  Promote yourself!

Do you think you would make a great wife?  Tell the men of America what your qualifications are! 

Do you run a sexoholic’s group and are looking for members?  Feel free to spread the word!

Is your son playing a tree in his third grade production of "Oliver!?"  Do you think one of your blog posts is good enough to be in the New Yorker?  Have you invented a new toilet seat?

Promote the hell out of your writing group, your play reading, your up-and-coming clothing line, your breast enlargements, your husband’s new law offices — anything!

Personally, I can’t wait to see Neil’s face on Saturday when he sees that his blog has been hijacked by his own penis! 

Ready for some promotional stuff?  I’ll get the ball rolling by bringing up Pauly D’s new book.

Blogger and comic genius Paul Davidson’s "The Lost Blogs" comes out May 8, 2006.  It sounds like a real winner — a humorous collection of lost "blogs" written by such famous historical figures as Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, and Gandhi.   Fellow blogger Kevin Apgar has set up a "Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign" for the book, and you can participate in the fun during the week of April 10-April 14 by writing your blog posts as your historical figure of choice!

Am I actually going to read Pauly’s book?  No fucking way.  I much prefer reading Shakespeare than nonsense like that.  But I’m gonna promote it anyway — just to ANNOY NEIL. 

April Fools, Neilochka!


  1. Dave2

    Starting April 11th, VERONICA MARS will be moving from its current time slot (Wednesdays at 9:00) to a NEW slot: Tuesdays at 9:00… on UPN.

    So tune into the show that TV mastermind Joss Whedon says is “the best show on television ever,” and see what you’ve been missing!

    (Sorry Mr. Penis… I don’t have anything to sell or promote, so the best I can do is pimp my favorite show).

  2. ams

    Does your penis feel left out in the cold?

    Or is he simply taking over your life?

    Keep him under wraps with this seasons most fashionable accessory

    The One Eyed Monster Willy Warmer!

    For the man in your life that has everything.

  3. Pearl


    (Sorry, Neil, I wasn’t promoting myself just now — I was doing vocal warm-ups!”

  4. Leah

    What I’d like to know is how Neil’s penis detached himself and then managed to type on the computer keyboard while Neil was asleep. This is all a pack of lies, isn’t it!? It’s a ruse!!!

    There’s MUTINY afoot, dear readers!!!!

  5. Alissa

    I’m smart, I got an “A” on my midterm and my professor asked if she could make a copy of it for her portfolio.

    That’s me, promoting my intelligence.

  6. The Moviequill

    I still think putting Neil’s hand in warm water while he sleeps so you can have a bath is better… but in the art of self promotion I present a link to my Day Job, how I pay the bills and fund my writing habit

  7. Kevin

    Okay, so Carly’s post today was written by her brain, not her and your’s was written by your penis, not you.

    Mine will NOT be written by my ass cheeks no matter how much you beg.

  8. Dagny

    Self-promotion, huh? Sheesh. I thought I was already doing that by letting the world know just how fabulous I am. And if they don’t know it, they most definitely will when I take over the universe.

  9. ashbloem

    Hey world! I probably won’t have a job in two weeks! I’m smart but have no idea what I want to do with my life! So if that interests you, you know – call me!

    Or just come to my blog to hear me bitch about it.

    (Thanks Neil. I think this will be really helpful.)

  10. Postmodern Sass

    I don’t want to miss the opportunity to talk to the Penis, but I don’t have anything to promote, other than my (real) blog, in which I write about mundane things like what I had for lunch yesterday and why my ex-boyfriend is a jerk.

  11. communicatrix

    Jesus, Neil’s Penis—you forgot to leave us your email address!!! Or are you hijacking Neilochka’s Yahoo! account, too?

  12. better safe than sorry

    i’ve got nothing to promote, what to do?

  13. Margaret

    I am an absolutely brilliant Mechanical Engineer who works primarily with hydraulics. As I understand it, you are essentially one of the most amazing hydraulic cylinders ever created, if you could resolve your self to running on another fluid, (water-glycol maybe? I don’t have a good source for blood) I could design a new power unit for you and you would no longer need to be dependent on Neil. Buy a power unit from me! It could change your life.

  14. JaG

    I love it too. It’s my birthday.

  15. farlane

    Hey Neil’s Penis, thanks for the forum. I think my blog is pretty damn good. I also run a great site about Michigan.

    Speaking of promotions, here’s how you rank, Neil’s Penis.

  16. justrun

    Dear Neil’s Wee,
    First of all, yes, I have to use the term ‘Wee’ and second, by no means does it refer at all to size. It’s a proper noun, afterall.
    Now then, forgive me if I’m reading far too much into this but this whole thing seems like a joke on us readers. There is a not-so-sub subtext here that is pretty much screaming: “I’m Neil’s Wee, look at me!” So really, just tell it like it is. You want everyone to know you’re there and all the other words and jabber are just a formality.

  17. Penis

    JustRun — I don’t have the same problem as Neil does. He’s a wuss. I’m all about self-promotion.

    Communicatrix – Sorry about that. I can be reached at neilochkaspenis AT

  18. M.A.

    I hope you don’t mind, but I would like to share my music with Neil.

    note: you can hear M.A.’s songs at

  19. Serena

    For some reason your penis reminded me of E.F. Hutton and his commercials.

  20. Scarlet

    Does your penis have his own special keyboard. I’m surprised he doesn’t make more typos.

  21. Tige

    April 1st is my Birthday!!!

  22. Mike

    Thank you, Neil’s Penis, for this wonderful opportunity.

    Every single female living in the Los Angeles area should know that I am not only extremely handsome, but also well-mannered and traditionally raised (chivalrous). I am funny, witty and a man you can be proud to bring home to your parents.

    Did I mention how exceedingly handsome and dashing I am? Well, just in case – I am exceedingly handsome and dashing.

    Though I may be many wonderful things, I am not a man who has a blog with a very high readership. As such, please visit Almost Fiction and witness for yourself my humor, wit and amazing talent. As you read a post you can imagine to yourself how handsome and dashing I must’ve been while I was writing it.

  23. cruisin-mom

    Shakespeare? You expect us to buy that? I haven’t met a penis yet, that’s into Shakespeare.

  24. laurie

    Does your penis have a cute brother who’s single? Or maybe some like-minded literary penis friends? Of course … I’d prefer a penis in the Valley. Lord knows I won’t go over the hill just for some Shakespeare-quoting penis. I mean really.

  25. Vag

    Neil: It’s Vag here, Lynn’s vagina. I gotta tell ya, I’m getting a little tired of your penis and his crazy talk. I’m tired of him calling me a pussy. I’m tired of him saying women like to hear about cats. (I know for a fact Lynn hates cats.)

    When are you going to take control of him? You’re the one in charge, not him. Now get your penis off the keyboard and put him back in your pants where he belongs.

  26. Brooke

    Your penis is hilarious.

  27. Edgy Mama

    Neil’s Penis,
    Come on by or or and read all about me, me, me, and my friends and my cool town and some funky flash fiction! Happy April Fool’s Day!

  28. Alison

    Your penis has been gadding about the blogosphere today.

    Just thought you might want to know.

  29. Wendy

    For all your pharmaceutical needs. Cheap drugs here.

    disclaimer – that is not my site. I just didn’t have anything to promote! Happy April Fools Day!

  30. madelyn

    Richard Herring…has a post
    on penis poetry…
    i am not sure if it will please
    you but check it out


  31. Honeybee

    I have a new blog! It is about a world perhaps even lamer than Neil’s: that of a science grad student! But since I can self-promote, come on down!

  32. mea

    Neil’s Penis: You should quit lying about your MySpace Account. I certainly couldn’t find it-how are you going to make my top 8?!

    By the way, Richmond is this great city and you can find out more about it at Richmond Daily Photo. It’s a photo blog run by yours truly and one of the hottest links of the web! Yeah!

  33. stephanie

    My boysies are the cutest things known to mankind. And if you visit my blog (which Neil has been nice enough to add to his list) you can see from their picture how adorable they truly are.

  34. michelle

    Richard Brautigan wrote a great poem about the penis, called the beautiful poem, I think…

    Today, I promote my website, Tiny Bubbles!

  35. lizardek

    Your penis makes me laugh really hard. That is SO WRONG on so many levels.

  36. Neil

    Oh my God! What an April Fool’s gag you all played on me. Penis, you crazy guy you — did you set this all up? You really punk’d me, didn’t you?

    Thanks for all your promotions. Feel free to add any more. And my Penis thanks Madelyn and Michelle for the links to that great poetry. You can actually get a free e-book of Richard Brautigan’s work at:

  37. jackt

    i promote myself to citizen of the year.

  38. Janet

    Your fingers did the walking, but your penis did the talking.


  39. Elvira Black

    Neil’s awesome member, you must have been the inspiration behind my fave pop song of a few years back entitled “Detachable Penis.” Quite a catchy little tune.

    Well-read AND well-endowed–Neil certainly is one lucky schmendrick. And a marketing mavin to boot!

    Check out the wit and wisdom of Elvira at Blogcritics–one of the web’s Top 100 sites last I checked!

  40. platkat

    I think your penis would like my blog. It’s written spritzer-style. Promoting over.

  41. treespotter

    are you circumcised, penis?

  42. Carly's Brain

    Well now that Kevin has called me out, I’m going to self-promote my evil plan for 2006 – overthrow that body that carries me about and take over her world! Mua ha ha ha ha!

  43. Jessica

    Neil, your penis has terrible timing – my son’s performance in his high school production of To Kill A Mockingbird ran TWO weeks ago. Sheesh.

  44. kimananda

    Well, I’d shamelessly self-promote my blog, but you’ve already been there. Or…was it really you? Perhaps April Fool’s lasts a bit longer in your household?

  45. groovebunny

    After reading that entry, the Puppetry of the Penis has nothing over your penis. lol

  46. ChickyBabe

    You two must be best friends to carry on such lengthy conversations!

  47. Introspectre

    My usual blog is just being screwed by Blogger. So for now you can click on my name and it will instead take you to my ever so dirty and sexual blog, since that’s the only one that’s up.

    And anyone who would like to send a bottle of lube and a broomstick handle to someone, may I suggest that it be Blogger, so that they can have a taste of their own medicine.

    Really, Penis, I will sponser your own column in my sex blog. I mean it. You know I love you, your wily ways, you one eyed beast.

  48. J

    Rhymes with Orange is working on it’s debut CD, which rocks pretty hard but is intelligent. It’s the kind of thing Penises across America will love and be able to bob their heads along with.

    I’d be remiss to not take every opportunity to promote it. Visit my blog at to read about the production of it, as well as other various ramblings. And our prelim webpage is at

  49. Leesa

    Hello, fellow blogger. I see you like blogs as well. Please click on my blog. It is great.

    Okay, I helped with your prank. I thought it was mean, but then I thought, “Heck, I don’t even know the guy.”

    You have a great blog. If you want to earn money ….

    You have been spritzed.

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