As with many inter-politically-married couples, the week before election day is the the tensest time of the year for Sophia and me. It is a time of name-calling and dirty political tricks. Is it any coincidence that when I forgot to fix Sophia’s laptop like I promised her three times, those all too-familiar ugly words slipped out of her mouth, "You LIBERALS and your empty promises!"? Or that Sophia almost got into a car accident on the 405 when her car radio was "accidentally" programmed to loudly play a progressive talk show on KPFK, our local Pacifica Radio Station?
Today, I decided that "enough is enough." Our relationship was doomed. Despite the fact that Republican women are amazing in the bedroom, I was done with them. It was time for me to settle down with a nice liberal girl, someone educated at a good liberal college, a progressive-thinking girl who enjoys both bowling and pro-union protests.
Luckily, I discovered Democratic Singles Network — Dating for Democrats and Progressive Thinkers.
Your politics say much about you! At Democratic Singles Network you’ll meet progressive people with visionary world views – Democrats, Greens, Activists – Left-Thinkers of all flavors are what you’ll find at this dating site. It’s Free to join and initiate contact with thousands of liberal singles!
Not only was this a great place to meet sexy progressive women, but by joining up, I would be playing a role in saving our planet!
The primary "mission" of this dating site is to be your progressive love connection of course! We will strive very hard to make this dating site the best place on the Internet for you to meet and date Democrats, and other progressive singles. We’d like to let you in on a little secret though .. we have another mission as well ~ to help save our planet! We donate half our profits to environmental organizations such as Greenpeace, NRDC, and other heroic groups who are fighting on the front lines of what is no less than a battle for our planet’s survival. When election time rolls around again, we’ll be donating to candidates that see a world of sustainable green possibilities waiting to be explored, instead of a world waiting to be exploited for greenbacks. Let’s make this happen together!
The testimonials from happy customers were equally impressive.
actual testimonials from the site:
SOOOO happy to find a dating site for Democrats. I have been doing eHarmony (don’t get me started on how much I hate eHarmony) and Match.com and I just can’t date another conservative K*
I don’t care to date narrow-minded, judgmental, religiously fanatical, etc., etc., Republican women. J*
I really found yor (sic) concept directed more cool people towards me and visa versa than any yet. M*
You DO have a great singles site. I figure– the worst case senario (sic) is, if we can’t vote the Republicans out- we can hook up Democratic couples and breed them out. Hee hee– well, we could have fun trying. Anyway– thanks for all your hard work to create the site—its a brilliant idea. Regards, C*
Your site is GREAT! I’m having a ball! Hopefully we’ll rescue the world from the moronic bush administration before it’s too late! Thanks. Peace. F*
"What a great service," I said to myself. "I can get laid and vote Bush out of office all in one swoop!"
I couldn’t wait to meet my progressive soulmate. Not only are liberal women usually better educated and more socially-conscious, they tend to have a more liberal stance on sex and marriage issues — so I might even score on the first date!
I quickly signed up for the service.
After perusing through all the photos and profiles, I settled on Judy, a vivacious dolphin trainer in San Diego. She was pretty, a union advocate, and she believed that sexual matters should not be dictated by the Supreme Court.
I contacted her via IM, and we started having a terrific conversation. We talked about some of her favorites in the arts: "The West Wing," Sarah McLachlan, Bono, Michael Moore, Frida Kahlo, and "The Vagina Monologues."
I told her that those were all my favorites, too, and things started to heat up.
"So, Judy, what are you wearing?" I asked.
"I’m sitting here in my "PETA: NO FUR" t-shirt — with NOTHING else on…"
"Wow. You sound like a very sexy woman."
"I am. I’m multi-orgasmic. I teach a class in Women’s Sexuality at Women’s Center after our union meetings."
"I’d like to sit in on that class."
"It sounds like you might be threatened by a woman with a strong sexuality."
"No, no, no, of course not. I believe the more orgasms in this world, the better for everyone."
Judy laughed. I was beginning to really like her.
"You know, Judy, maybe this weekend I can drive down to San Diego and we can go out for some hamburgers."
"Hamburgers — meat?! Yuch, yuch, yuch. You eat meat? Do you know how they torture those innocent animals… I could never date anyone who ate…"
"I meant Tofu-burgers. I just call them hamburgers, but I meant Tofu-burgers. That’s just what they call them here — Hymn-burgers… yeah, Hymn-burgers: their tagline is "It’s so good you’ll want to say a hymn to God!"
"Never heard of them."
"They’re new. Only in LA."
"You’re interesting. You know you sound sexy, too. What are you wearing?"
Well, I just got out of the shower, so all I’m wearing is a towel."
"Hmmm… I’d like to know what’s under that towel"
"Oh, would you?"
"So, what type of towel is it? Large or small?
"Hmm… well, actually it’s just a simple burgundy-colored terry cloth towel from Walmart."
"Walmart?! You buy things at the anti-union Walmart? I could never date anyone who shops…"
"No, no, no… I made a mistake. It’s K-mart. It’s K-mart."
"They’re not much better."
"Yeah, but I’m looking at the label. It was made in Sweden, by Swedish union workers who were grossly overpaid."
"Are you trying to fool me?"
"Of course not. I’m a strong advocate against injustice. Look at my recent post against the Target Corporation’s stance on the "morning after’ pill."
Judy clicked on my website and started to read my post.
"Excellent," she said. "Really nice. I think this post is actually making me horny for you."
"Let me just finish reading the comments."
After a moment —
"Who is this jerk who keeps on disagreeing with you? Some jackass Republican. Sophia?… do you actually know her?"
"Uh, well, yes, I do know her. She’s really not a jackass. She’s actually, well, she’s my wife…"
"But I’m separated! We’re separated a year and a half!"
"I don’t care about that. I sleep with married men all the time. But, she’s a Republican! What kind of person are you? Did you actually sleep in the same bed with a war-monger!?"
"Not every night. Some nights, she threw me out and I slept on the living room couch."
"I could never date anyone who would have such low moral fiber and date, let alone marry, a Republican."
"But I never switched sides! Not once! Don’t I get any brownie points for that?"
"You never once voted Republican?"
"Never. She tried. Oh, she tried. She was like a Reaganite femme fatale. At night, she would prance around the living room wearing her undies that read, "If You Want This Bush, You Better Vote For That Bush!" Can you imagine how torturous that was! But I never caved in!"
"I see. I guess that is pretty impressive. And there is something sexy about a "bad boy" — especially one who’s seen the dark side of the Republican party, like you have. Do you have a cam? I’d like to see what you look like."
We both set up our video-cams. An image of Judy came onto my monitor. She was a hottie.
"Jeez, Judy, you’re beautiful."
"Not so bad yourself, Neilochka. Hmm, I see you’re still wearing that towel. What if it just happened to fall down?"
"You mean like this?"
I let the towel fall, exposing myself.
"Exactly. Uh-huh. You know, I don’t usually ask this on a first conversation, but how would you like to have some phone/cam sex?"
"This is working out great," I thought to myself. "Usually, when my penis makes an appearance in one of these stories, it’s a signal that something is going to go wrong. But not this time!"
Just then, Billy Ray Cyrus’ song "Achy Breaky Heart" started to play.
"You can tell the world you never was my girl,
You can burn my clothes up when I’m gone,
You can tell your friends just what a fool I’ve been,
And laugh and joke about me on the phone."
"What’s that?" asked Judy.
"Oh, it’s just my Big Mouth Billy Bass."
I turned to my novelty rubber bass that was hanging on my wall, singing the song.
"Is that a dead fish hanging there like a trophy?" she asked.
"It’s a joke. It’s not a real fish."
"That is disgusting. I am a dolphin trainer, and do you know how many bass and dolphins are actually killed every year by poachers looking for cheap tuna?"
"I didn’t mean to insult fish. It’s paying tribute to fish. It’s a funny little novelty."
Big Mouth Billy kept on singing.
"You can tell my arms go back to the farm,
You can tell my feet to hit the floor,
Or you can tell my lips to tell my fingertips,
They won’t be reaching out for you no more."
Judy shook her head, disgusted.
"And do you find it funny that as the fish of the world are depleted, so is the rainforest?"
"It’s just a mechanical rubber fish. It’s not a real fish. When you step near it, it starts singing a Country Western song?"
"You listen to country western music?! — Yuch, red state music! Goodbye!"
As she disconnected from me…
"And don’t you come on the Democratic Singles Network ever again!"
"But don’t tell my heart,
My achy breaky heart,
I just don’t think he’d understand.
And if you tell my heart,
My achy breaky heart,
He might blow up and kill this man.
lol…. I LOVE this one!! Great pics too. BTW, let’s get it over with…. where’s the pic on what is behind the towel?
Well, at least the Bass was not ON your penis!
This is great, Neil. As always 🙂
I am sitting here at my desk and tears of laughter are running down my checks.
I guess it’s not easy to live in the US with the strong polarization of political beliefs…
As a european I like the US before Bush : 2 political parties and a dialog between them…
From what I can judge from here, that’s gone…
Seriously, you shop at Walmart?
Is it just me, or is Neil’s penis getting a lot of blog-time lately?
You’re almost better than a cup of coffee, Neil.
I’m still laughing Neil.
Yeah and what is behind that towel? Inquiring minds want to know. Ha
HDJ, if the Bass was on his penis, he’d’ve gotten brownie points for not being a speciesist, although it’s hard to respect a bass that would sell itself for $3.99. A salmon would held out for five bucks at the very least, and you can forget about a herring doing anything for less than a fifty, up front and in cash. Political polarization is not such a bad thing and what’s wrong with Walmart? Oh, and this was great, Neil; I laughed my ass off.
Although the bit about the Democrats outbreeding Republicans was a little hard to believe; everyone knows that Republicans believe in pumping them out left, right, and center, preferably on the right and center, since there’s no point in giving the left anything at all.
Let me guess, the fish came from Walmart too? I was thinking that something was missing from my apartment, but you know, I don’t think the achy breaky bass would quite match the decor.
Ick Tofu. It tastes like an art gum eraser…
Tooo damn funny, that’s all I can say!
Akaky, we all know that Neil is a bargain hunter. I am sure he could find a singing fake Bass for $3.99 if he put his mind (or other parts of his anatomy) to the task.
I have a couple points:
1.) I find the illustrations in this entry to be perfect. I MUST have a large version of the one of the hands protecting the environment. I will put it up in my bedroom. That way, even though I am boring in bed (I’m not Republican, after all), whomever I am with will know that at least I support environmental causes.
2.) Do you really have a Big Mouth Billy Bass that sings Achy Breaky Heart? Because that is the AWESOMEST THING I EVER HEARD.
Oh my goddess! When I read, “Hymn-burger,” I totally spit out the soy milk that I was drinking from my cup made of recycled bicycle tires, and it spilled all over my hemp dress and ergonomic keyboard!
You KILL me, Neilochka. Kill me. Dead.
Ashbloem — unfortunately, the only way to get the “original” Big Mouth Billy Bass nowadays is through eBay. But now I know what to get you for Christmas.
i almost want to become a republican woman after that liberal democrat was so over the top. *shudder* i hope i am never so self-righteous. 🙂
Anyone who doesn’t appreciate a bit of Big Mouth Billy Bass is just…well, wrong. This coming from someone who encouraged a friend to break up with a guy who thought it was awful to laugh when people tripped…but there you go.
I like the front shot of Billy. His eyes…they follow me wherever I go…
Say, do you realize that if you type in “ci” in your browser address bar and hit enter before typing all of “citizen of the month,” you get this:
Great post, Neil!
Outbreeding Republicans would be a hard task, since they
1. tend to procreate MUCH more
2. marry younger
3. have fewer abortions
4. are usually heterosexual
The birth rates are so disproportionate!
Oh, great — now I’m a favorite with Republican bloggers. Well, anything for an audience.
By the way, Nancy — the conservative right is trying to have more babies to win elections —
You and Sophia are the James Carville and Mary Matalin of the blogosphere. I need to believe that true love can trump politics, please tell me that your alleged separation had nothing to do with your differences in that area.
I can accept Sophia as a conservative Republican, if that’s what she is, but I can’t accept that someone as intelligent as she is and someone who clearly does not suffer fools gladly would have any patience for the idiocy and reckless behavior of George W. Bush. Say it ain’t so, Sophia, you can’t possibly support that guy?
If I can answer for her, which she’ll make me change later — she’s not a social conservative at all. She’d be the first one to run around nude at Woodstock. But, yes, she believes in a strong-willed foreign policy, even if Bush is doing a so-so job with it. And she wasn’t for affirmative action. And she doesn’t forgive some liberals of the past for praising Marxist philosophy while millions were being killed by the Soviet regime. And she was the only one who voted Likud when she was on a kibbutz. But at least she finds those extreme right-wing conservative Christians as creepy as I do.
I’m so redundant… another great post.
Damn, my grandfather had a Big Billy Bass Mouth, or whatever. I wonder what happened to it. Neil, I have a feeling about this post. I’m feeling screenplay. You feeling it?
Now I can’t bear that I said anything about “accepting” Sophia as a conservative Republican, or anything else. Who the hell am I? As if she needs my acceptance. Oy. But I can still hear her telling Bush what an incompetent he is, despite her politics. And thanks for the Woodstock visual! (You should beat me up for that comment.)
I’ve been having this weird syndrome where I keep thinking that I see the two of you all over Los Angeles even though I only have a vague idea of what you look like. (Were you eating yesterday at the Whole Foods on Third and Fairfax?) You’d be surprised how many couples out there look exactly like the few pictures you’ve posted–tall, fair, American Jew with fiery Russian dark-haired mate.
As always an engaging funny story Neil!
Reasons not to date hippies: The smell, all that body hair, the constant complaining, time spent at rallies rather than in bed.
i was all excited about out-breeding fanatic conservative repubs until i read Nancy French’s comment… doh.. she’s right. we’ll have to have our liberal gay couples out-adopt the conservatives..! yeah!
Neil, I was in something of a foul temper before I stopped by your blog, but this post considerably improved my mood. Thanks!
THAT’S my dating problem. I should be with a Republican WOMAN.
Um, Neil? I’m still back at the “Fur Out, Love In” photo. Was the rest of the post any good?
Alice and Neil,
Ha! Well, if the liberals started adopting more orphans in some sort of competition… we’d all win. But, we’re considering adopting from China right now, so one of you liberals better get your home study done!
I could (maybe) handle dating a republican – but I could never date a guy who listened to Billy Ray Cyrus! UGH!
“She was like a Reaganite femme fatale…” You crack me up.
BAHA! You make a me laugh, oh it’s so good!
A bit tangential, but I was just thinking today how heelarious it was to get my Barbara Boxer emails mixed in with my corporate sluts mail, I mean spam. It’s all making sense now 🙂
Okay between this blog and the DVD i just watched of “The Office” I’ve been hearing way to much from Billy “Big Mouth” Bass. That thing is creepy…
I didn’t realize Billy was in “The Office.” I just googled it and found out that he was also in the Chief’s office in C.S.I. — and both Bill Clinton and Tony Blair owned one. So, there!
The only problem with the younger political types is that they’re starfuckers. And they always came across like a bunch of windbags. If they stick it out (unlike me) there are some good ones still around into their 30s. A very attractive Democratic staffer friend of mine is still single and in her mid-30s…very successful.
Dammit, Neil! Now I have Achy Breaky Heart stuck in my mind.
“I believe the more orgasms in this world, the better for everyone.” – here, here!
Singing fish – umm, nope, lost all desire to orgasm, sorry.
I wish I had some brilliant comment, but I don’t. All I can say is that was VERY funny.
Thanks, Neil, for confirming my decision to stick to my own. Liberals are apalling.
Very funny Neil, I totally love your posts. I am a republican and date many liberals. I love liberal women, you tend to have more fun w/ liberal women :D.
Tatyana – Appalling? You obviously have never gone to bed with one. Then, let’s hear what you have to say.
And never will, thank you. Some of the “whys”:
-I’m too tired of filtering Care2Care and KillBush mail into the Junk folders to have more of the same for my post-coital conversations.
-I like my men to display their “hunter” qualities: to fish, fire a gun or employ winning logic.
-I already have a son to mother. Anybody else shouldn’t expect me to be the nanny.
All of which disqualifies liberals completely.
Besides, this post is so vividly descriptive, it saves me the effort. Again – thanx!
Wowie!!! So many things that a girl from a red state could talk about here!
But, I’ll save my conservative issues for some other time.
Please ask Sophia where I can get some of those panties! And, I vote for more orgasms make for happier Americans.
My goodness, I’ve never checked out the political proclivities of my potential dates – what a risk I’ve been taking! 🙂
Hilarious! Just wait for all the hits you’ll get from people googling Big Mouth Billy. hehe
OMG Neil, that’s hysterical. I’ve got to pass this on to my very conservative friend. Thanks for the laughter!
i was so disappointed that you didn’t finish the “conversation”. I mean, once you got to a certain point, i was really wanting you to…you know…um…finish.
for your sake… of course.