As with many inter-politically-married couples, the week before election day is the the tensest time of the year for Sophia and me. It is a time of name-calling and dirty political tricks. Is it any coincidence that when I forgot to fix Sophia’s laptop like I promised her three times, those all too-familiar ugly words slipped out of her mouth, "You LIBERALS and your empty promises!"? Or that Sophia almost got into a car accident on the 405 when her car radio was "accidentally" programmed to loudly play a progressive talk show on KPFK, our local Pacifica Radio Station?
Today, I decided that "enough is enough." Our relationship was doomed. Despite the fact that Republican women are amazing in the bedroom, I was done with them. It was time for me to settle down with a nice liberal girl, someone educated at a good liberal college, a progressive-thinking girl who enjoys both bowling and pro-union protests.
Luckily, I discovered Democratic Singles Network — Dating for Democrats and Progressive Thinkers.
Your politics say much about you! At Democratic Singles Network you’ll meet progressive people with visionary world views – Democrats, Greens, Activists – Left-Thinkers of all flavors are what you’ll find at this dating site. It’s Free to join and initiate contact with thousands of liberal singles!
Not only was this a great place to meet sexy progressive women, but by joining up, I would be playing a role in saving our planet!
The primary "mission" of this dating site is to be your progressive love connection of course! We will strive very hard to make this dating site the best place on the Internet for you to meet and date Democrats, and other progressive singles. We’d like to let you in on a little secret though .. we have another mission as well ~ to help save our planet! We donate half our profits to environmental organizations such as Greenpeace, NRDC, and other heroic groups who are fighting on the front lines of what is no less than a battle for our planet’s survival. When election time rolls around again, we’ll be donating to candidates that see a world of sustainable green possibilities waiting to be explored, instead of a world waiting to be exploited for greenbacks. Let’s make this happen together!
The testimonials from happy customers were equally impressive.
actual testimonials from the site:
SOOOO happy to find a dating site for Democrats. I have been doing eHarmony (don’t get me started on how much I hate eHarmony) and Match.com and I just can’t date another conservative K*
I don’t care to date narrow-minded, judgmental, religiously fanatical, etc., etc., Republican women. J*
I really found yor (sic) concept directed more cool people towards me and visa versa than any yet. M*
You DO have a great singles site. I figure– the worst case senario (sic) is, if we can’t vote the Republicans out- we can hook up Democratic couples and breed them out. Hee hee– well, we could have fun trying. Anyway– thanks for all your hard work to create the site—its a brilliant idea. Regards, C*
Your site is GREAT! I’m having a ball! Hopefully we’ll rescue the world from the moronic bush administration before it’s too late! Thanks. Peace. F*
"What a great service," I said to myself. "I can get laid and vote Bush out of office all in one swoop!"
I couldn’t wait to meet my progressive soulmate. Not only are liberal women usually better educated and more socially-conscious, they tend to have a more liberal stance on sex and marriage issues — so I might even score on the first date!
I quickly signed up for the service.
After perusing through all the photos and profiles, I settled on Judy, a vivacious dolphin trainer in San Diego. She was pretty, a union advocate, and she believed that sexual matters should not be dictated by the Supreme Court.
I contacted her via IM, and we started having a terrific conversation. We talked about some of her favorites in the arts: "The West Wing," Sarah McLachlan, Bono, Michael Moore, Frida Kahlo, and "The Vagina Monologues."
I told her that those were all my favorites, too, and things started to heat up.
"So, Judy, what are you wearing?" I asked.
"I’m sitting here in my "PETA: NO FUR" t-shirt — with NOTHING else on…"
"Wow. You sound like a very sexy woman."
"I am. I’m multi-orgasmic. I teach a class in Women’s Sexuality at Women’s Center after our union meetings."
"I’d like to sit in on that class."
"It sounds like you might be threatened by a woman with a strong sexuality."
"No, no, no, of course not. I believe the more orgasms in this world, the better for everyone."
Judy laughed. I was beginning to really like her.
"You know, Judy, maybe this weekend I can drive down to San Diego and we can go out for some hamburgers."
"Hamburgers — meat?! Yuch, yuch, yuch. You eat meat? Do you know how they torture those innocent animals… I could never date anyone who ate…"
"I meant Tofu-burgers. I just call them hamburgers, but I meant Tofu-burgers. That’s just what they call them here — Hymn-burgers… yeah, Hymn-burgers: their tagline is "It’s so good you’ll want to say a hymn to God!"
"Never heard of them."
"They’re new. Only in LA."
"You’re interesting. You know you sound sexy, too. What are you wearing?"
Well, I just got out of the shower, so all I’m wearing is a towel."
"Hmmm… I’d like to know what’s under that towel"
"Oh, would you?"
"So, what type of towel is it? Large or small?
"Hmm… well, actually it’s just a simple burgundy-colored terry cloth towel from Walmart."
"Walmart?! You buy things at the anti-union Walmart? I could never date anyone who shops…"
"No, no, no… I made a mistake. It’s K-mart. It’s K-mart."
"They’re not much better."
"Yeah, but I’m looking at the label. It was made in Sweden, by Swedish union workers who were grossly overpaid."
"Are you trying to fool me?"
"Of course not. I’m a strong advocate against injustice. Look at my recent post against the Target Corporation’s stance on the "morning after’ pill."
Judy clicked on my website and started to read my post.
"Excellent," she said. "Really nice. I think this post is actually making me horny for you."
"Let me just finish reading the comments."
After a moment —
"Who is this jerk who keeps on disagreeing with you? Some jackass Republican. Sophia?… do you actually know her?"
"Uh, well, yes, I do know her. She’s really not a jackass. She’s actually, well, she’s my wife…"
"But I’m separated! We’re separated a year and a half!"
"I don’t care about that. I sleep with married men all the time. But, she’s a Republican! What kind of person are you? Did you actually sleep in the same bed with a war-monger!?"
"Not every night. Some nights, she threw me out and I slept on the living room couch."
"I could never date anyone who would have such low moral fiber and date, let alone marry, a Republican."
"But I never switched sides! Not once! Don’t I get any brownie points for that?"
"You never once voted Republican?"
"Never. She tried. Oh, she tried. She was like a Reaganite femme fatale. At night, she would prance around the living room wearing her undies that read, "If You Want This Bush, You Better Vote For That Bush!" Can you imagine how torturous that was! But I never caved in!"
"I see. I guess that is pretty impressive. And there is something sexy about a "bad boy" — especially one who’s seen the dark side of the Republican party, like you have. Do you have a cam? I’d like to see what you look like."
We both set up our video-cams. An image of Judy came onto my monitor. She was a hottie.
"Jeez, Judy, you’re beautiful."
"Not so bad yourself, Neilochka. Hmm, I see you’re still wearing that towel. What if it just happened to fall down?"
"You mean like this?"
I let the towel fall, exposing myself.
"Exactly. Uh-huh. You know, I don’t usually ask this on a first conversation, but how would you like to have some phone/cam sex?"
"This is working out great," I thought to myself. "Usually, when my penis makes an appearance in one of these stories, it’s a signal that something is going to go wrong. But not this time!"
Just then, Billy Ray Cyrus’ song "Achy Breaky Heart" started to play.
"You can tell the world you never was my girl,
You can burn my clothes up when I’m gone,
You can tell your friends just what a fool I’ve been,
And laugh and joke about me on the phone."
"What’s that?" asked Judy.
"Oh, it’s just my Big Mouth Billy Bass."
I turned to my novelty rubber bass that was hanging on my wall, singing the song.
"Is that a dead fish hanging there like a trophy?" she asked.
"It’s a joke. It’s not a real fish."
"That is disgusting. I am a dolphin trainer, and do you know how many bass and dolphins are actually killed every year by poachers looking for cheap tuna?"
"I didn’t mean to insult fish. It’s paying tribute to fish. It’s a funny little novelty."
Big Mouth Billy kept on singing.
"You can tell my arms go back to the farm,
You can tell my feet to hit the floor,
Or you can tell my lips to tell my fingertips,
They won’t be reaching out for you no more."
Judy shook her head, disgusted.
"And do you find it funny that as the fish of the world are depleted, so is the rainforest?"
"It’s just a mechanical rubber fish. It’s not a real fish. When you step near it, it starts singing a Country Western song?"
"You listen to country western music?! — Yuch, red state music! Goodbye!"
As she disconnected from me…
"And don’t you come on the Democratic Singles Network ever again!"
"But don’t tell my heart,
My achy breaky heart,
I just don’t think he’d understand.
And if you tell my heart,
My achy breaky heart,
He might blow up and kill this man.