Dear Mom,

How are you doing in all that East Coast heat?  Are you making sure Dad puts on the air-conditioning?  Force him to.  Tell him you’re going to divorce him and he’ll have to make his own Cheerios if he doesn’t leave the air-conditioner on all night. 

Enjoying the blog?   Be careful when you read it at work.  You don’t want to get fired.  Although that would be sort of cool.  You could become a star in the blogosphere.  Like Dooce.  You can be the first mother fired from her job for reading her son’s blog.

Actually, I’m writing about something serious today, and I’m interested in your perspective:

Yesterday afternoon, Sophia and I met for lunch.  While we were driving down La Cienega, there was this car swerving in and out of lanes, as if the driver was terribly drunk.   We barely avoided colliding with it twice.  Sophia honked.  We figured it was some kind of drunk-off-his-ass kid.   As we sped up next to the car, hoping to pass, we noticed that it wasn’t any type of kid, but an elderly woman.   She was driving 20 miles an hour and wore glasses three times my prescription.  This woman was dangerous!  It made me think of that elderly guy who drove smack into the touristy Santa Monica Promenade a couple of years ago, killing 10 people.

You can’t really blame older people for wanting to drive in a city like Los Angeles, but why the hell do we allow them to do it — without some sort of safety net?   Los Angeles seems more concerned with smoking on the beach than all these dangerous drivers.

How many times have we joked about you and Dad having New York State driver’s licenses?   How in God’s name does New York keep on renewing your license?  When was the last time you drove — 1960?  And if I remember the story, you drove three blocks from that summer house in Coney Island to the boardwalk? 

And Dad?… he has trouble opening up the door to my Honda.  Have you ever actually seen him drive a car?  Giving Dad a driver’s license is as dangerous as giving Christian Slater some drugs to "hold for a friend."

Maybe Brooke will stop by the blog today and leave a comment about life driving in Florida.  Remember the last time we were in Florida?   Eighty year old men would get out from their wheelchair and into the driver’s seat!

Now, I don’t want to make this into an "attack old people" post.  If there’s one thing I hate about Americans is that we don’t respect our senior citizens.  And there are plenty of younger people who shouldn’t be driving.  It’s as if they make you take your driver’s test once — when you’re a teenager in your prime health — and then they just ship you off onto the freeway!   I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about a blind guy getting his license renewed.  Would you?

I know you’re thinking of retiring to Florida.  But with all those geriatric drivers, I’m getting a little worried about your safety.  Wouldn’t it be safer just staying in crime-ridden Flushing? 

Unless… oh, no, you better not be — you and Dad aren’t planning on DRIVING in Florida?  Because if you are, I need to warn the others now!

Love, Neil