I just want to tell you all that I'm doing great. I really feel good about myself. I'm proud of my accomplishments, I like the way I look, and I take pride in my wonderful qualities. I feel success at my fingertips and I KNOW it will happen for me. Yes, I can have it all — LOVE, PASSION, SUCCESS!
Of course, this morning I was a complete mess. I was miserable. I was depressed over a multitude of things. I was about to throw a few Prozacs into my mouth, but I remembered that the last time I took some, it made me penis feel numb — and that's way too much sacrifice, even for someone when they're depressed.
Then, tonight, Sophia and I ended up going to a seminar about "Success." It's a long story about how we ended up there, so don't ask.
But I do know now that SUCCESS IS GOOD. Everyone respects successful people. We admire them. We like to be around them. All the top blogs are written by confident, successful people. That's because they have VISION.
Think you're a loser? Well, you're right. But you can change things RIGHT NOW by not thinking of yourself as a loser. Think of yourself as a WINNER. If you think positive and BELIEVE in yourself, those things you want for yourself WILL HAPPEN. Do you want a beach house, visualize it! It will come. Be like Jim Carrey when he was an unemployed actor. He wrote a million dollar check out to himself and carried it around as a reminder of what he will BECOME!
So, from now on, I am a changed man. No more blog posts ranting and raving and complaining like a loser. No more mocking of myself in a self-deprecating, weak, sissy-boy manner. If I am going to use humor, it should be at YOUR expense, not my own. After all, I am the confident and successful one. You're the one who deserves to be laughed at. From now on, this is a blog where an employer can come and read it, then say, "Now that is a confident and successful man, one who I want to hire as my vice president of Employee Confidence."
During tonight's success seminar, we were asked to answer these questions:
1) What is one accomplishment you're proud of?
2) What is one physical trait you're proud of?
3) What is one character trait you're proud of?
These questions were not easy for me to answer. Are my eyes really the BEST part of me? Is "nice guy" really an interesting character trait? Are my SAT scores in math my greatest single accomplishment?
For everything I thought about that I was proud of, I countered with something that "brought me down."
"What about something good that I wrote?"
"Oh yeah? What about losing a writing job with "Sesame Street" after writing an inappropriate sketch with Big Bird?"
"I guess I'm proud of being an honest person."
"You're separated from Sophia. Are you proud of that?"
In fact, answering these tough questions made me so nervous —
Hey, wait a minute, why I am I telling you this? Why do I want to tell any of you bloggers out there about my insecurities? Do you ever see Oprah talk about her insecurities? No, successful people push their insecurities aside. That is why they are successful. Others come to them looking to lead THEM out of THEIR insecurities.
I just wanted to say that everything is great with me. I am SUPER HAPPY. I am super SEXY! I am confident in my job search. I see great things for my marriage and love life. I have so much POSITIVE ENERGY, it's practically shooting out of my ears.
Aw, fuck — who am I fooling? I'm going to take a Prozac and go to bed.
Neil's Penis: "Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!"