Schmutize honored me today with some inane wonderful “Power of Schmooze Award” that is going around the blogosphere. I’m not exactly sure what this award means — or even if it is a compliment — but I think it has something to do with a person being skilled in making social connections. Of course, this made me laugh, because in real life, I am the world’s worst “schmoozer,” but I’m not going to tell you that and ruin my image.


Schmutize is from Saskatchewan, Canada. Before I “met” her, I had never “met” anyone from Saskatchewan. In fact, I didn’t know how to spell Saskatchewan. The funny thing is that through her, I have now met several bloggers who live in Saskatchewan. I now have more people from Saskatchewan on my blogroll than I do from New York City. Isn’t that odd? I know this sounds very provincial of me, but WHAT THE HELL are so many cool people doing in Saskatchewan? I always figured that it was mostly sheep who lived in this province.

I love Canada. I really do. And in honor of Schmutzie and this fabulous award, I would like to honor all my virtual friends to the North. Not just in Saskatchewan, but all of Canada. So, today, all of my “Power of Schmooze Awards” will go to Canadians.

Typical Canadian businessman on his way to work.

In a way, it makes sense that Canadians would excel in schmoozing. Most Americans only care about America, not other countries, particularly a place as dull as Canada. Canadians who want to grab our interest really have to work overtime. They must learn to blog about things other than their usual interests — beer, hockey, and how much better their medical system is than ours. They must learn to schmooze.

I’ve always had a fondness for Canadians, especially their sense of humor. If a comedian in Los Angeles isn’t Jewish or black, he is a Canadian. As a child, I used to enjoy the pretentious animations of the National Film Board of Canada, almost as much as the aggressively-American Bugs Bunny. Am I the only American to consider “Degrassi Junior High” the best show ever created? Here’s another little secret — I have never found Saturday Night Live all that funny. SCTV — now THAT was funny.

Canadian Mommybloggers taking a break from the Canadian BlogHer Conference

I’ve been to Canada with Sophia — Vancouver, Montreal, Quebec City — a few times and always found Canadians very, uh… unfriendly people. Maybe it was because we were Americans and they resented it. I’ll never forget the time we were in a bed and breakfast in Quebec City and the French-speaking owner gave this fancy home-made jam to these German tourists for breakfast and not to us. Sophia thought she heard the owner mumble something under her breath about “Americans being warmongers and not deserving of jam.”

Despite our differences — Oh, Canada, I stand on guard for thee!

The official government sanctioned Canadian “Blogging” uniform.

My Five “Power of Schmooze” Awards to Deserving Canadians

1) Palinode of Regina, Saskatchewan. Not only is Palinode a witty blogger, he is Schmutzie’s husband. Can you imagine a husband and wife both blogging and not killing each other? I think he deserves a gold medal more than this award! The day Sophia starts her own blog and writes about ME and talks to HER vagina — that is the day I change my name and go into hiding, probably somewhere in Saskatchewan.

2) Eileen Cook of Vancouver, British Columbia. Eileen is a funny writer and an extremely sweet person. Her first novel is coming out in February. As a true schmoozer, she knows exactly how to sell books. For those of you who want to write a novel, take notes. Originally, the novel was called “In the Stars” and had a nice, romantic family-friendly cover. Now the novel is called “Unpredictable” and the cover shows a pair of sexy legs with high heels. Soon, I expect the the novel to be called “I Am a Sex Addict,” with a couple doing Tantric Position #24 on the cover. She knows how to sell those books! I expect her novel to be a bestseller. She’s a schmoozer, alright!

3) Pearl of Toronto, Ontario. The word “schmoozer” was invented for Pearl. She is one of my long-time readers and a good friend. She also KNOWS EVERYONE in the Jewish blogosphere. And you don’t have to be Jewish to like Pearl! Can a woman be a mensch? When she found out about Sophia’s surgery, she searched on the internet and found our phone number — just to call and wish her well. At first I was wary of her reading my blog, because she is religious, but I’m proud to reveal that even the religious can enjoy a good penis joke every once in a while!

4) Pearl of Ottawa, Ontario. Pearl is a brainy poet. I don’t understand half of her posts, but that makes her even more intriguing. Like most schmoozers, she is very clever. Rather than just having one blog, she has expanded to something like 25 blogs — on poetry, food, etc., creating a virtual blogging empire, and creating more schmoozing opportunities. I never know what to expect from her blog. She seems to be into everything — from sports to Buddhism. She still needs to learn that if she wants a larger American readership, she needs to be a little more simple. Americans like our bloggers one-dimensional. But I’m working on her.

Pearl is interested in positive thinking. Normally, that stuff bores me to tears, but I like the way she describes her approach in her post “Glad Game Explained.”

5) Peter DeWolf — of Halifax, Nova Scotia. Like his compatriot, Sween, Peter lives in Halifax. Like with Saskatchewan, I was mostly ignorant about the beautiful province of Nova Scotia. In fact, until recently, my only experience with the province was that Jewish families like to order “Nova Scotia lox” with their bagels. You mean people actually live there?!

You would think that anyone living in Halifax would be the laid-back type, but not Peter. He is the ultimate schmoozer. One blog wasn’t enough for him, so he started the humor blog, Burt Reynolds’s Mustache. Every day on this group site, another funny blogger writes a humor column. If you look at the list of bloggers, you will notice some very fine writers, but there is ONE important blogger missing. Yes, it is ME. You see, by the time I returned his email, all his slots were already taken.

“So, throw someone off their slot,” I demanded, in that bossy American style that Canadians hate so much. “Do you know WHO you are talking to, you Canuck?” (actually, can you call any Canadian a Canuck, or only French Canadians?)

“I can’t throw anyone off. Did you see how many hot girls are on the list writing on the site for me?”

At that moment, I understood. That is EXACTLY what I would have done. Stacked my list with hot babes.

Yes, I had passed the torch to a new generation of schmoozers.

And they were coming from Canada.

(Postmodern Sass — I know you are going to be upset, but you don’t count as a Canadian in my book right now, since you are in California)

We Canadians love you big strong American men!

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