When I attended public school back in Flushing, there would be a special assembly once a year called "Scared Straight," where former convicts would come to ‘scare’ us from becoming juvenile delinquents by telling us about life in "the slammer." I hated these assemblies, not because I was as far from a juvenile delinquent as could be, but because these talks always inspired the school thugs into action — and "Scared Straight day" was the day when you were most likely to be mugged for your lunch money. One time, after school, I even saw the "Scared Straight" ex-convict who just lectured us — beating up Mr. Molnia, our history teacher, and stealing his new Toyota Corona. That was the last year our school had this program.
Recently a new type of "Scared Straight" has begun, one dealing with a 21st century problem — childhood obesity. The leader of this new program is none other than former U.S. president Bill Clinton. For the next five years, he will tour our nation’s schools along with the American Heart Association, promoting healthy eating habits and encouraging kids to exercise.
Some cynical people might think this is all a gimmick to help Hillary in her upcoming campaign. I think Bill Clinton has a genuine interest in working with our young. Clinton was obese as a child and understands the hardships of fat children.
He’s going to start by talking to the kids, visiting schools around the country and telling his story. He was overweight as a child–by age 15, he weighed 210 lbs.–a problem he attributes partly to genetics and partly to a diet rich in barbecue, fried chicken, ice cream and pie.
But what exactly is he going to tell these kids that is going to help them change their habits?
His first school assembly, at the Harry S. Truman School in Kansas City, was less than successful, and shows that President Clinton still needs to refine his lecture:
I was a fat kid. Then I went to Yale and was a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford. Then I became the governor of Arkansas. After that I was elected as President of the United States. That was the best. I had some girl half my age give me a couple of blowjobs. And a Jewish girl! Children, do you know how hard it is to get a Jewish woman to do that? I must have tried at least six times with Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg before she threw that gavel at my head.
Do you all know what branch of government the Supreme Court belongs to? The Judicial. Ha Ha, the Jew-dicial.
Man, that Ginsburg is hot! I wonder if she wears anything under that robe? Brazilian or not? What do you think, kids?
Maybe if I wasn’t a fat kid, things might have been different with her.
So, don’t get fat, kids. Take it from me, former two-time President of the United States William Jefferson Clinton.