Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: NBC

Age of Love

“Does age matter in love? Hi, welcome to NBC’s summer show Age of Love. I’m your host, Mark Conseulos. You may remember me as the hunky but safe Latino hearthrob, Mateo Santos, from “All My Children,” until I left the show with my annoying wife, Kelly Ripa, after she got a much better job as a talk show co-host and then, five years later, pulled some strings to get me this lame reality show hosting job.

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The Age of Love is an important show. It answers the age-old question — in the realm of romance — who is better — twenty-something women or forty-something women? We will learn this answer by creating a whole series of irrelevant gimmicks that will help some dumb bachelor eliminate a new woman each week in some new, embarrassing manner.

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Meet Mark Philippoussis, an uncharismatic, not very good-looking tennis pro, with an unpronounceable name, who has the difficult role of choosing the love of his life from the network’s cliched choices of unstable single women who are desperate enough to appear on a summer replacement TV show.

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Our bachelor, Mark, is in the thirties. Don’t get our bachelor, Mark, confused with me, Mark, the host, although it seems a little dumb that the two men on the same show should have the exact same name, making things unnecessarily complicated whenever someone says “Mark.”

Now, traditionally, men like to date women that are younger than they are, but is that the case anymore?

Does age really matter in love?

Watch Mark as he romances the various women and French kisses all of them. From which age group will he pick his true love (who he will then drop two weeks after the show like a moldy tomato)?

Should he go for the naive idiocy of the twenty-something girl or the bitter, frustrated neuroticism of the forty-something woman? The youthful blank gaze of the twenty-something or the wisdom of the forty-something, who has had twenty extra years experience having disappointing sex with complete strangers? The brainless athleticism of the the twenty-something or the “Oh, shit, do I have to get out of the chair” laissez faire laziness of the forty-something? The perky fake breasts, standing at attention, of the twenty-something or the perky fake breasts, standing at attention, of the forty-something?

In fact, is it me, but don’t ALL of the women seem exactly the same whatever the age — really, really STUPID. Did all of these women grow up living in the same condo in Marina del Rey?

Luckily, our bachelor has a clear vision of what he wants from the perfect woman, whatever her age. Like most men already know, the real question is — who gives better oral sex, the twenty-something or the forty-something?

Sophia in “Windfall”

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The cast of "Windfall" (sans Sophia)

In the past, I’ve mentioned that Sophia frequently works as a Russian dialect coach for movies and TV, as well as doing her regular job as a court interpreter.   A few weeks ago, thanks to a a very unexpected recommendation by her friend, Richard, Sophia got called in to audition for a guest shot on a new NBC show called "Windfall," playing, of all things, a Russian court interpreter.   Sophia nailed the audition and got the job. 

"Windfall" is a drama about a group of people who share a large lottery winning.  It will premiere in January.  The show stars Luke Perry.  Yes, that Luke Perry.

Even though the scene was short, Sophia must have made a great impression, because now she’s been called back to play the same character in a second episode filming this Friday!

Sophia thinks this might be the final scene with the Russian interpreter — or is it?  I sat down today to quickly write a new "Windfall" script, hoping to convince the producers to expand Sophia’s role.

Here’s one of the scenes from my teleplay:

INT.  PETER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Peter (Luke Perry) and Natasha (Sophia Lansky) are in bed together, post lovemaking.

Peter:  "Natasha, I’ve never done this before.  But hearing you simulataneously interpret for that Russian killer was one of the most erotic experiences of my life."

Natasha:  "Do you really want me to move in here with you?  After all, we just met this afternoon."

Peter:  "Yes, Natasha.  We are soulmates, I know it.   I’ve already broken it off with my girlfriend."

Natasha:  "But doesn’t she already have thirteen episodes in her contract… I mean a baby with you?"

Peter:  I’m Luke Perry… I mean Peter, one of the winners of the lottery.  I can choose my own destiny and I choose YOU."

Natasha:  I love you… Peter…

Peter:  I love you, Natasha…

They kiss, passionately.  It is clear that Peter is the best kisser Natasha has ever kissed, surpassed only by the passion and skill of her separated husband, Nikolai.

Natasha:  "You know what I really want to do now…?"

Peter:  "I do know… because I want to do it, too…"

Natasha:  "…go online together and see if there’s a new post from "Citizen of the Month.""

Peter:  "That’s my favorite blog also.  We have so much in common!"

They go hand-in-hand to the computer.

FADE OUT

END OF SCENE

Good, huh?  They are definitely going to keep Sophia for more episodes now!

Break a leg, Sophia!

Today on Blogebrity:  JJ at Purgatorian (his site)

Tale of Two NBC Job Applications

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I love NBC.  I really do.  And I’m not just saying that because I recently applied for a job there. 

The people at NBC are very nice.  I enjoyed my interview.  Before the interview, I went to human resources.  I spoke with a very nice and attractive executive.  We joked a lot about the relationship between NBC and Universal.  While I was there, I was given some paper work to fill out — and when I say paperwork, I mean PAPERWORK.  You know, the typical questions for a corporate human resources department:

Where have I worked for the last ten years?  What are my last seven residences?  Have I ever applied for a job at NBC before? Do I know anyone at NBC?  What are my references?  Have I ever made a joke or a disparaging comment about NBC’s lame comedies since Frasier left the air?  Have I ever watched one of the dozen different Law and Orders and can I distinguish one from the other?  Do I like David Letterman better than Jay Leno?    Have I ever been convicted of a crime or been in jail?

Now, imagine I have been convicted of a serious crime.  Imagine I did do some jail time.  Do you think I would have a chance to get the low paying job I was applying for, something I’m way overqualified to do? 

Even better, do you think they would let me host my own TV show — say a spin-off of "The Apprentice," one of the network’s most popular shows? 

Hmm.

NOTE TO THOSE COMING FROM 2 BLOWHARDS:  I’d like to welcome you here.   Please check out the other people on my blogroll.  They are much friendlier than I am.  I also would like to thank Michael Blowhard for his kind words about this site.  If only you would have made them earlier, maybe I would have gotten that stupid NBC job (which I didn’t).  Next time, I’ll fake you as a reference.   I also promise to stop describing your terrific blog to others as "the egghead one."

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