You always hear "nice guys" complaining about women who only want to go out with "bad boys." I’ve never complained about this, because I feel the same way about women. I’ve always been attracted to the "trouble-maker." When I use that term, I don’t mean a female criminal with tattoos riding a Harley. I mean the high-maintenance but loveable woman, the irresisitable female who is also a pain in the ass.
I blame this on Lucille Ball. Growing up, I was in love with "I Love Lucy." While other watched reruns of "The Brady Bunch" after school, I watched reruns of Lucy and Ethel in the chocolate factory. Being a bookish kid, I guess I fantasized about Lucy because she was so fearless. She was a handful to be married to, and Ricky sure complained a lot, but would he have it any other way? His life could never be boring with Lucy as his wife. Even though Ricky was the famous bandleader, it was clear to everyone that Lucy was the more interesting character.
Sophia spelled "trouble" from the minute I met her. We were dating only a few days when she almost "accidentally" burnt her apartment down by leaving something in the oven for six hours. She broke her toe while hopping in the living room. She took to making and drinking this kombucha "mushroom" tea because it sounded so exotic and exciting, even though I told her not to, and almost poisoned herself. When she forgot to buy me a birthday gift, I came home the next week to a multi-colored custom-made $4000 ergonomic desk chair that we could not afford. It wasn’t enough that she got a swing band and a klezmer band for our wedding, at the last moment she also hired some belly dancers she saw at a restaurant. She was always spontaneous, ready to go for a drive to dinner — all the way in Bakersfield.
And this is only during my first year of knowing her.
But the minute I saw an old photo of her with red hair — that was it. I was in love.
Important news flash to all those about to get married: The thing you most love about your spouse will also become the thing that will end up annoying you the most.
Sophia is unpredictable and uncontrollable. Sexy and exasperating. She always forgets that she should respect boundaries and will step over them for you — for good and bad.
On my blog, readers write all sorts of comments to my posts, some serious, some sarcastic, some mean. On a recent post, a reader wrote something that sounded mean.
I got a phone call from Sophia.
Sophia: I read your blog today.
Me: Uh oh, what now?
Sophia: It’s about one of your readers, "M." First she was mean to you, now she’s dissing some reader of yours.
Me: She was joking.
Sophia: No, she wasn’t. Remember she once emailed you, angry about some innocuous joking comment you made on her blog about the genitals of Japanese men?
Me: "M" and I made up weeks ago.
Sophia: I think you should delete the comment, especially since it attacks one of your readers.
Me: I’ve never deleted a comment before.
Sophia: She deleted your Japanese comment.
Me: You’re like the Lady Macbeth of the blogging world.
I ended up deleting the comment.
Later on, I received an email from "M." She said I was being too sensitive and that she was just joking. "M" and I made up again.
A few hours later, I received another email from "M." This time, she was not friendly. She accused me of writing an anonymous and nasty comment on her blog. I told her that I had no idea what she was talking about. She said I called her rude and bitchy. I said I didn’t write it. She insisted that I did and she had proof — she checked her stats and the comment came from my IP address!
How could that be? But then I thought about it. What would Lucy do? Who else was in my apartment today?
I called up Sophia.
Me: Sophia, did you…
Sophia: OK, OK, I wrote the anonymous comment. I’m guilty. I’m sorry. Don’t be pissed. I can’t stand it when I think someone is trying to hurt you…
Sophia, my protector, my bodyguard. She does it out of love, I know.
And didn’t Ricky always forgive Lucy…?