A few days ago, some blogger made a joke about lap dances on Twitter, and it occurred to me that, despite my encyclopedic knowledge of trivia, I didn’t have a clear idea of what happens during a lap dance.   While I have never seen a lap dance in person, I have seen them in movies.  We’ve all seen the scenario — it is a bachelor party, and the groom’s buddies hire some sexy woman/graduate student to dance in some tight t-shirt, circling the soon-to-be-groom like a twirling dervish, an erotic symbol announcing the death of the man’s happy single life, one last hard-on before he settles into the wife-controlled world of domesticity.

But how does the lap dance work? Does the lap dancer just dance for one song?  Do the man get to pick the song from her CD collection?  After all, if I’m going to be the one turned on by the dancer, and she starts dancing to Milli Vanilli, it’s not going to work for me.   I want a song that I would find sexy.  And does she dance just for me?  What do my buddies do meanwhile — just sit around and laugh at me?  Does she ACTUALLY sit on my lap?   If I get into the music, can I dance WITH her?  Even better, can I sit HER on her in the chair while I dance for HER?   That could be fun, too.

Apparently, I need to go out more.

I would be a bad customer for a lap dance.  It took me three years to learn to hug bloggers.  I don’t want a strange woman sitting on my lap, unless I’m volunteering as Santa at the local hospital.

(note to self:  volunteer to be Santa at local hospital)

So, how does an uneducated man learn about lap dancing.  Well, leave it to Wikipedia to have an entire entry on lap dancing, telling me everything about the history of this age-old form of entertainment.

But there was one section of the article that really captured my imagination, because it contained some useful information —

In 2007, based on statistics from 18 dancers over 60 days, it was noted that female lap dancers earned the highest tips around the time of ovulation, during the most fertile period of their menstrual cycle, and the lowest tips during menstruation; the average difference in earning between these two times amounted to about $30 per hour.

Wow.  What a difference in tips!  That’s the equivalent of me going to Olive Garden two nights in a row, ordering the same soup and salad special, and tipping the first waitress $2 and the second waitress $35!  Clearly, there is something special going on during the woman’s “most fertile period of their menstrual cycle.”

I love science.  And I love applied science.  It got me thinking — what could I do with this important scientific news?  Immediately, it became obvious to me.  I’m frankly surprised that our greatest minds haven’t noticed it earlier —

Think about it.   Women are MOST LIKELY to be hornier and HAVE SEX with you during this fertile period.  No wonder these lap dancers are racking up the big bucks during this fertile period.  For most of the month, they are just faking it, dancing for some dopey guys.  But during this fertile period, the women are themselves as horny as the men, maybe even hotter.  On those special nights, if the groom looked anything like Brad Pitt, she might actually take him right there on the chair.  The men sense this, and are going crazy, throwing money to the wind.

So, imagine I work in an office.  I’m a single guy.  I like Susan in Marketing.  I want to ask her out on a date.  I also wouldn’t mind seeing her naked in my bed.  What is my best option to get her into my bed with the least possible effort on my part?


I find out the time of her period, I chart her cycle on a Excel sheet, focusing in on the day when she is the most fertile.  I make a date with her — on the exact day when she is the most fertile and horny as a wild cat.  I take her somewhere fancy, like Olive Garden, tell her some bullshit, like “your eyes are like emeralds,” and then open the car door for her on the way home.  Snap –  in like flint!  A half hour later, she’s riding me like Annie Oakley on her beloved chestnut Abyssinian!

It’s all because of science, math, and Excel.

One problem remains.  In order for the science to be accurate, I need to plot out her most fertile day, which means I need to know the exact days of her period.  This can be tricky, unless I rifle through her pocketbook or her waste-paper basket, looking for evidence.

Luckily, science comes to the rescue again, this time with the Mcclintock effect.

The McClintock effect, also known as menstrual synchrony or the dormitory effect, is a theory that proposes that the menstrual cycles of women who live together (such as in prisons, convents, bordellos, or dormitories) tend to become synchronized over time.  The phenomenon, sometimes referred to as the “social regulation of ovulation,” was first formally studied by psychologist Martha McClintock, who reported her findings in Nature in 1971.

This gives me a whole lot more opportunities to create points on my Excel chart.  Clearly, those working in an office together spend hours in an enclosed space.  Menstrual synchrony will sure take place amongst female employees.  So, if I notice that many of my female co-workers are excusing themselves to the bathroom on the same day, say the 25th of each month, I should be able to extrapolate to a fairly accurate degree the exact day when Susan would be most likely to do the nasty with me on our first date.

Although I majored in English in college and have always enjoyed the Humanities, I have a great respect for Science and Math.