You’re going to have to get used to me being self-centered here on this blog for a little while longer.  Or not.  Or maybe this is something for me to think about — the best way to use this blog.  Maybe I should start another blog.  Make one blog about story-telling and writing.  And the other about kvetching and self-journaling.  I am going completely against the grain of blogging history here.   Most of you started out as “personal journals” writing for yourself and then your blogs turned into a business.  I started out as a place to make fun of pop culture, and now I just write about neurotic thoughts like bloggers from 2004.

Forget my last post.  It was bullshit and inauthentic.  I was using blogging as an excuse to really talk about myself, but I was too afraid to deal with those issues directly.

As you can tell, I am in a deep-thinking mode as I try to focus on my goals and get my life back on track.  One of the issues I am dealing with is that old villain — fear of success.

In my last post, I brought up the example of driving a Lamborghini to church.   This was probably the most important — and personal – part of the last post.  Since most of the comments were about blogging, and not fancy cars, I had the urge to re-write my last post in a new way, this time focusing on the Lamborghini.

1)  Make believe I go to church (let’s make it a nice Presbyterian church as an example).  I pull up in my Honda Civic.  My friend roars his way into his spot in his new Lamborghini.  Will I feel ashamed by my measly car?  What can I do so I don’t feel ashamed?  Can I reframe my thinking so that his Lamborghini will help motivate me to achieve more?  Should I not even give one thought to our differences in car brands?

2)  Why is my friend pulling up in this Lamborghini?   What is he saying to me?  Is he saying anything at all?  Does he really enjoy the ride or is he sending me a message?  Can I feel comfortable with my friend in his Lamborghini?  Can he feel comfortable with me?  Will I have to buy a Lamborghini for him to consider me a friend again?

3)  This is the biggest issue of them all for me.   Will I ever be able to buy myself a Lamborghini?  I don’t mean financially, but mentally.  Can I ever feel comfortable driving a Lamborghini to church without worrying about the others?  Can I ever just enjoy the ride?  Can I feel that I deserve it?  How will I react to my friend in his Honda Civic?  Will I still consider him my equal?   Can I change my way of thinking so that I see my Lamborghini not as something ostentatious but as a way to motivate others?  Is my brain holding me back because I feel more comfortable driving a Honda Civic than a Lamborghini?