Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: dating (page 2 of 2)

Stuff Dudes Don’t Want to Know About Women

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For the second day in a row, women complained to me via email about how I objectified Sophia in her photo when she is sick with the flu. The truth is that no man wants to see a girl looking bad, even when she has a 101 temperature.

Women, take note: If you want to attract men and keep them, you need to learn the dos and don’ts of acceptable gender behavior. One of the main reasons we are with you is because you are hot-looking. Why should we have to suffer looking at you without lipstick just because YOU feel shitty?

Hey, hey, hey, hold on there! Before you call me a misogynist ass, let me tell you that I didn’t learn about these “rules” in the male locker room. No, I learned about them today while standing in line at the supermarket leafing through the November issue of a women’s magazine — Cosmopolitan. On Page 58 of the “Cosmo Men” insert, there is a compelling article titled “Things Guys Just Don’t Want to Know About You.”

“There are certain topics that weird out dudes or bore them silly or simply annoy them…. Here’s a list of what to avoid bringing up if you want to keep your dude around…”

First of all, I don’t like being called “dude,” but that just might be my own personal rule.

Here’s the Cosmo list:

Your Weaknesses

“Spilling your guts to a guy you barely know is a surefire way to turn him off or, worse, make him think you’re a head case. Bottom line? Keep your eBay addiction, midnight binges, and obsession with bad reality TV on the down low.”

However, your addiction to oral sex is acceptable to discuss on a first date.

How Tired You Are

“In this fast-paced, snooze-you-lose world we live in, complaining about how beat you are just makes you sound whiny.”

Just like we don’t want to see you sick, we don’t want to see you tired. Erica Kane can be trapped in a mine shaft for a month on “All My Children” and still walk out looking fabulous. If you want to keep a man you must always be bubbly, vivacious, and eager for sex — even if you worked a sixteen hour day at your job. Leave your work problems at the office so you can focus on us listening to us talk about our jobs!

That Your Hair Is Different

“If the guy you’re with doesn’t notice your new do on his own, forget it! When you have to point out that you switched up your look, here’s what goes off in his brain: “Alert! She’s fishing for compliments.””

Hear! Hear! We don’t care about your hair, your nails, or your new shoes. Just look slutty. That’s all we ask.

Your Choice of Feminine Hygiene Product

“I’ll keep this one short and sweet: Most guys use the words tampon and pad interchangeably — and trust me, we’re completely happy not knowing the difference between them. If it stops the flow (or has anything to do with below-the-belt issues), we don’t want to know!”

Unfortunately, marriage has ruined me. I do know the difference between a tampon and pad. I just wish I was able to turn back the clock to those days when I was innocent and pure.

That You Read the Latest Mind-Blowing Sex Tips in This Magazine

“We don’t want to hear about them — we want you to do them.”

And if you do read this magazine, read it in the supermarket. I can use that $4.95 to buy Stuff Magazine.

The Fact That You Think Another Guy Is Good-Looking

“It’s not an insecurity thing. It’s a we-don’t-care thing. For example, calling another man handsome is a conversation stopper.”

Except George Clooney. He is sort of handsome.

Your Diet Strategy

“The goal of every diet is to get to a certain body weight. And just like vacations, nobody cares how you got there. We just care that you’re there.”

Do you know there is now negative zero sizes coming out by Nicole Miller? Don’t talk about it. Do it!

How Smart You Are

“Guys are looking to avoid that overeager girl who goes out of her way to show everyone exactly how intelligent she is. If you find yourself using the names Hemingway, Dostoevsky, or Nietzsche more than once per conversation, you may be guilty of academic name-dropping, which reeks of insecurity.”

This is probably the most important rule to follow. There’s a reason the librarian always TAKES OFF the glasses. We like the woman to be stupider than us. Of course, a woman should read, but preferably material like Cosmopolitan, chick-lit, or maybe a few mommyblogger blogs. Nothing too heady. Men are known to be better in math and science, so please don’t try to show off any of your math skills. It is a real turn-off. The only mathematical term you should be using in conversation with a man you are dating is “big,” as in “My Gawd, you are so big!”

Now, are these simple steps THAT complicated to follow? Believe me, we’re worth it.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Stars of David (or my Mother will Find this Funny)

Neil’s Penis’s Dating Rules for Men

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Hello, I’m Neil’s Penis. Today I’ll be guest-blogging on “Citizen of the Month” because Neil is in the corner crying like a little wimp over Sophia. I have no idea why God punished me by attaching me to such a girly-man.

Now I know that Neil likes to be all cutesy on his blog, but I’m NOT Neil. I’m here to rant. And if there is one thing that gets my goat it’s all these so-called “experts” online giving dating advice. I especially hate it when they give advice to men because it is always bull***t written either by a gay dude, a clueless single guy who wouldn’t know what to do with his c**k if he had a chance, or some bitter broad who can’t find a man as good as her daddy. If anyone should give dating advice to men, you know who it should be? — ME! Is there anyone out there who knows as much about women as me? Neil might be a hopeless dummy, but I realize that with one snap of my finger, I can have half of Neilochka’s blogroll in bed catering to me. Because I know what makes a woman tick.

Now, I’ve seen some dumb sites in my time, but nothing is as idiotic as AskMen.com. Who the f**k are these “men” that are writing this crap — some New York pussywhipped eunuchs who rush down to Zabar’s every time their girlfriend wants some organic goat cheese?

In this lame article, AskMen’s “relationship correspondent” decides to help single men with the Top 10 “Secret Dating Rules.”

So, men, grab a manly leather chair. Listen to the s**t this moron says, and then hear what a real expert — ME! — has to say. Take my advice and I guarantee that you will be f***ing like a pro in no time!

Here is the introduction to this AskMen idiocy:

AskMen: “For as long as there have been men and women, there have been dating and dating rituals. Being the sly hunters we are, men have built up a reservoir of knowledge and cunning over the millennia on how to successfully woo the ladies over the first few weeks of a courtship.

There are many fish in the sea, and there are many baiting procedures you can use to reel them in. And though many women may be aware of some of our strategies, they surely don’t know of all of them. Let’s keep it that way, gentlemen. Keep these timeless secret dating tips under your hat and enjoy the learning process.”

Neil’s Penis: “Am I right about this writer being an asshole? I mean — do we even have to go any further?”

Dating “Rule” #10 — Wait three days before calling back

AskMen: “The idea behind this dating rule of thumb is to make sure that your new squeeze doesn’t think you’re desperate to see her. And it’s become a golden rule because it often works. Many women know the dating game, and want to see if their new man can play it…”

Neil’s Penis: “Utter nonsense. Of course this is the “Golden Rule.” She knows it is the stupid rule. Everyone who has ever seen a movie knows it is THE rule. So, are you gonna follow the rule? Of course not! Not if you want to get the pick of the litter babes. If you wait three days, you are telling the woman that you are nothing more than middle manager material who follows the rules and that the best you can do in the bedroom is the missionary position for four minutes flat. Did Alexander the Great follow the rules? Did Napoleon? Napoleon was a short little nudnik, but he got to f**k the hot Josephine every night — because he didn’t follow the rules. I say — call her up ten minutes after you get home. Then call her again an hour later. Show her that YOU follow your OWN rules, and she’ll be doing the Kama Sutra with you in no time.”

Dating “Rule” #9 — Take her where everyone knows your name

AskMen: “Another way to impress your new woman early in the game is to go somewhere where you already have a great reputation. By taking her to one of your usual haunts, you’ll get to showcase your smooth self in action among your vast circle of acquaintances…”

Neil’s Penis: WTF?! Is this guy kidding? You’re a single guy. What establishment knows your damn name? It certainly ain’t Cheers. It IS the strip joint. The Thai massage parlor. The sleazy dive where you once felt up that bartender’s mother in the men’s room. Is this where you WANT to bring your date? I say go to a place where no one has ever seen your face and — if the date doesn’t work out — will never see you again.

Dating “Rule” #8 — Resist sleeping with her early on

AskMen: “Aside from the fact that withholding yourself will keep her wanting you more, adhering to this rule also shows her that you’re a man who isn’t ruled by his loins…”

Neil’s Penis: “Now I’m sure this was written by some guy who has never been laid. This “expert” doesn’t know s**t about women. No woman spends two hours getting all dolled up and wearing the most uncomfortable goddamn high heels in the world, just for some mediocre dinner at the Outback Steakhouse. She wants to get laid as bad as you do! Why do you think she is wearing that new sexy underwear? She’s hoping you will actually see it while taking it off her! This dating “rule” is so stupid — and so insulting to women, that I’d like to shove a RULER up this writer’s loins.”

Dating “Rule” #7 — Limit your spending

AskMen: “One of the best ways to know if she’s a keeper is to find out how much money she expects you to spend on her. On early dates, take her to places where you don’t have to spend much, such as a coffee shop, lounge or boardwalk…”

Neil’s Penis: “Ha Ha Ha, now I’m wondering if Neilochka is writing this crap himself. Yeah, women just LOVE going on a date with Neil at Chicago for Ribs using a 2-1 coupon. What a cheapskate he is! But oh my, what if a guy actually spends money! I can see the scenario now as some girl comes back from her date and tells her roommates how it went: “Well, he’s nice enough, but he’s such a big spender! We took a private jet to Paris and we danced all night at this exclusive nightclub. I just don’t know if I want to go on a second date with a man who doesn’t “limit his spending.” This rule makes me want to puke.”

Dating “Rule” #6 — Screen her first few calls

AskMen: “While the 10th rule prevents you from appearing too needy, this one allows you to gauge whether she’s desperate…”

Neil’s Penis: “Huh? Am I reading this “rule” wrong? Desperate? Desperate is GOOD! This is the type of woman who is insatiable in bed — and then makes you French toast in the morning. I don’t see the problem, do you?”

Dating “Rule” #5 — Don’t offer her gifts early on

AskMen: “Very rarely are you going to recognize a woman as the love of your life within the first few months of dating her… So don’t get all goofy and start showering her with expensive gifts…”

Neil’s Penis: “More bulls**t! Let’s go back to the woman from our example. Now she’s come back from a date with a new guy, after dumping the big spender. She’s sullen. She wants to give up on dating completely. She drowns herself in chocolate ice cream as she tells a roommate about her miserable date, “Look, he bought me a diamond necklace! When am I ever going to meet a man who’s Mr. Right?” This writer should be banned from every writing another word.”

Dating “Rule” #4 — Be mysterious… but not weird

AskMen: “Remember not to volunteer any information about past relationships, your family or your job right away. Your woman will keep you guessing about her, so you need to do the same in return. Maintaining some intrigue keeps the spice in dating.”

Neil’s Penis: “This might have been true — in 1890! Today, anyone can find out the size of your c**k by searching for it on Google! There’s no more secrets. If anything, today is the day of promotion, marketing, advertising. You WANT to have a video on YouTube of you screwing the entire women’s volleyball team. In fact, rather than keeping secrets on the first date, I suggest you hand over a document listing every woman you ever shagged. Even better, try to get testimonials of how good you were in bed. It is asinine to keep a woman guessing. It’s like a job interview. She’ll just move on to the next candidate. Get in there, tell her what you can do for her, and start f***ing her already before she gives the job to someone else!”

Dating “Rule” #3 — Don’t flatter her too much

AskMen: “While it’s true that you will have to do some flattering in your initial flirtations, keep it toned down. The worst thing you can do is lay on the compliments too thick at the beginning.”

Neil’s Penis: “I hate emoticons, but you know the one where he’s rolling his eyes. Because that’s what I’m doing. Rolling my F***ING EYES! I’m not even going to spend time rebutting this one. Just take it from me, the FASTEST WAY, and I mean Freeway-fast-with-no-traffic fast, to get into a woman’s pants is to tell her how beautiful her eyes are. Case f***ing closed!”

Dating “Rule” #2 — Don’t meet her friends ‑- yet

AskMen: “Finding the time to date a new girl is always a challenge, so don’t make things more difficult for yourself by agreeing to meet her friends, as well… So keep her friends out of the picture until you feel confident that the relationship is actually heading somewhere…”

Neil’s Penis: “Don’t meet her friends yet? Why not? This is a pussy-boy’s approach. It is to your ADVANTAGE to check out her friends. Maybe there’s someone even hotter than she is? And think of the future. Chances are it’s not going to work out with this woman. It’s reality, dude. And the minute you go bust, so does the mind-blowing sex every Saturday night. But remember the Boy Scouts motto? Be prepared. Be prepared by planting the seeds with one of her friends beforehand, so if things go bad, you don’t even have to miss one weekend of f***ing. You can just slide another woman right into the slot. You see — the Boy Scouts weren’t so gay after all. There was wisdom there!”

Dating “Rule” #1 — Don’t let her meet your friends ‑- yet

AskMen: “It’s a two-way street, and it’s always best to keep your new woman away from your good buddies at the start, too. She may not be prepared for their sense of humor, or they may reveal things about you that you’d rather keep her in the dark about…”

Neil’s Penis: “Yawn. Amateur Hour. Women are women for a reason. They actually like when you SHOW THEM OFF to your friends. They light up like a the Las Vegas Strip when you ask your friends, “Isn’t my new girlfriend hot?! What do you think of her tits, man?!” And showing off your women does wonders for your career. In fact, many companies ONLY promote men with hot girlfriends or wives. That’s why it is important for you to take her out meeting people as soon as possible. Sure, it’s nice having her home in the bedroom. But every once in a while, you need to lift your nose up from between her thighs, look into her eyes, and say, “Hey, baby, let’s go take a drive so I can show you off to my friends and business associates.” She’ll melt in your arms.”

It’s the weekend, men. So, you know what that means. Get out there and start doing what comes naturally! We’ll compare notes on Monday in the locker room. And I suppose Neilochka will be back next time with his weepy Sophia s**t.

Neil’s Penis — Out!

Oral Fixation

  

PRIVATE CHAT ROOM, 2AM

HOTDAVE23:  Mmmm… U R HOT… cough…  What are U… cough cough… wearing now?

2SEXYJUDY:  Just my… cough cough… sexiest… cough cough… THONG…

HOTDAVE23:  Wow…cough… R U as… cough .. TURNED ON as… cough…  I am?

2SEXYJUDY:  U make me so… cough cough… WET.   I want your BIG… cough… HARD… cough… whoops, I dropped the.. cough… damn… cough… ashtray into my… cough cough… daughter's crib… BRB

Conversation overheard at DatingforSmokers.com. 

Sophia and Neil’s First Date

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Welcome to the Love Connection, where old-fashioned romance meets modern technology.  And here’s your host, Mr. "2 and 2" himself, Chuck Woolery!

Chuck:  "Welcome to Love Connection.  On our last show we met Sophia Lansky and  she was about to tell us about her date.  Her three choices of bachelors were Ron, a successful podiatrist from Studio City, California — Dave, a Grammy-award winning composer from Beverly Hills — and Neil, an unemployed writer from Los Angeles.  The audience chose Dave, by 65%, Ron came in second  with 33%, Neil, oh well…  So, Sophia, whom did you pick?"

Sophia:  "I picked Neil."

The audience gasps and boos.

Chuck:  "Let’s say hello to Neil."

No response from Neil.

Chuck:  "Neil… Neil…"

Neil:  (distracted)  "I’m sorry, I was busy blogging in the back here."

Chuck:  "Blogging?"

Neil:  "Oh, right.  You were cancelled ten years ago.  You don’t yet know what blogging is.  Well, it’s sort of an online journal where you write every day and then other bloggers…

Chuck:  (bored) "Uh, very interesting, but let’s hear about the date.  Sophia?

Sophia:  "Neil came to my door.  He was carrying some flowers."

Chuck:  "How nice."

Sophia:  "That looked like they cost him $3.99 at Ralphs."

Chuck:  "Neil… Neil… Neil…

The audience boos Neil.

Chuck:  But, Sophia, what did you think of Neil looks-wise?"

Sophia:  "He was wearing this weird orange flannel shirt and I thought he looked gay."

Chuck:  "Gay?  Neil, what’s going on with you?"

Neil:  "I’m not gay."

Chuck:  "If you say so.  What did you think of Sophia?"

Neil:  "I thought she was hot.  You see… not gay." 

Sophia:  "Listen to this, Chuck.  The very first thing Neil says to me is, "You smell.""

Chuck:  "You smell?  Neil, are you insane? You didn’t really say that, did you?"

Neil:  "I was nervous.  I meant to say, "You smell nice" because of her perfume."

Chuck:  "Neil, had you ever gone on a date before?  This sounds like a disaster.  Tell us more."

Sophia:  "So, Neil drives me to this Peruvian restaurant that he’s raving about.  But when we get there, it’s in this filthy, disgusting mini-mall."

Neil:  "But they have great food!"

Sophia:  "Well, we never found out, because Neil never bothered to find out that the restaurant was closed on Monday."

Chuck:  "Neil, were you brought up by wolves?"

The audience starts throwing their voting devices at Neil.

Neil:  "I did find us another restaurant."

Sophia:  "Yes, he did.  After we drove around Hollywood for a half hour."

Chuck:  "How did things go when you reached the new restaurant?"

Sophia:  "It actually got better.  The conversation was nice and we had a lot chemistry."

Chuck:  "Ooh, so tell me, Neil, was there any… romance?"

Neil:  "Absolutely, Chuck.  On the way home, there was a long light on Wilshire Blvd. and I leaned over and gave Sophia a passionate kiss.  It was amazing."

Chuck:  "How was the kiss for you, Sophia?"

Sophia:  "Eh.  First – we almost had an accident, because he took his foot of the brake.   And, it actually was a little weird.  Like he didn’t really know what to do.  But I guess the first kiss wasn’t nearly as bad as the first time we had…"

Neil:  "Uh, excuse me, Chuck, this is getting a little too personal.  As the writer here, I’m ending things here much earlier than scheduled…"

Sophia:  "Hey, that’s exactly what happened in bed the first time we… and the second… and the third…"  

A New Hobby

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A few weeks ago, Jenny wrote this on her blog;

So what do you do with yourself when you stop looking for love? I realized recently that I have spent so much time as a single person looking for love, that I’ll need to take a up a new hobby when I finally do find it.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, I laughed for ten minutes after reading that.  Don’t you realize the trouble hasn’t begun UNTIL you meet someone to love?   Your relationship will be your "hobby."

Most of us learn about love from books and movies.

In a movie, the story usually ends when the couple kisses at the altar.

In the real world, we each walk around with our own personal movie projecting in our head.  In each movie, we are our own star.  Most of the hard work in any relationship revolves around this problem.  How do you make sure that you are both in the same movie?  Are you equal co-stars?  Do you both have the same size trailer?

Like most bloggers and writers, I enjoy sitting down by myself and making things up.  I am usually my own main character.  In the movie in my mind, I am the hero — a little bit of James Stewart, Bruce Willis, Bill Murray, and Viggo Mortensen.   I make jokes, I flirt with women, I hang out with the guys, I save the day from the bad guys.

I thought I reached my final goal when I married Sophia.  Like Jenny, I figured there was nothing more to worry about.  I was the luckiest guy in the world.  I met Sophia —  someone so beautiful and fun.  Someone who actually agreed to marry a klutz like me!

But it took a while for me to realize that Sophia had her own movie in her head.  And she was the heroine in her movie — a little bit of Lucille Ball, Sophia Loren, Lauren Bacall, and Angelina Jolie. 

There is always trouble brewing when a couple is not in the same movie. 

At the top, is a photo from our wedding.  Can you tell who is the star of this movie?   The photographer surely did.  Every other photo has Sophia front and center, and all you see of me is my back and yarmulke.    Sophia and I always joked that if she ever remarried, she could just keep the same pictures and say this is her new husband.  And I won’t even mention the fact that I was propped up in front of a piano I can’t play at all.   Can you see some of the issues that we ended up having to deal with?

Here’s another photo from our wedding.  A beautiful, sexy woman.  A generic guy with a nice yarmulke.

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So, Jenny, don’t worry about needing a new hobby after you fall in love.  Trust me — you’ll be busy enough.

What’s So Wrong With Dating Short Men?

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You can say a lot of bad things about how men are judgmental about women, but you can’t say that a man judges a woman by her height.  You’ll never see a man thinking to himself:

 “Oh, wow.  She just took off her clothes and is beckoning to me to come into her bedroom.  She wants me to stay over and have sex with her tonight.  Dammit.  If only she wasn’t three inches shorter than me!  Better I just go home and watch “The Real Gilligan’s Island” on my Tivo.”

What is it with women and their obsession with a man’s height?  I don’t think I’ve read one “dating blog” where a woman didn’t complain about one of her date’s height.

“He was too short…”

“He definitely lied about his height in his Jdate profile…”

“If I wanted a midget, I would have fucked someone in the circus…”

What’s the big deal with you women?  Haven’t you ever heard the saying, “The best things come in small packages?”  Why do you really need a taller man?  It’s all in your head.  If you need to get something from the top of the refrigerator — that’s why they invented a step stool.

I’m not exactly sure why our culture considers it “better” for the man to be taller than the woman.  I looked it up on Google, thinking it may be related to our hunting and gathering days.  I didn’t find anything.

And wouldn’t it better if a hunter was shorter?  Who’s going to more easily hide behind that rock — Tattoo from Fantasy Island or basketball star Yao Ming?

Hollywood hasn’t help things for shorter men.  Even when a male star is short (and many of them are), they need to find a love interest that’s even shorter.  Every once in a while, I see a female celebrity shopping in a Beverly Hills supermarket or drinking a coffee in Starbucks.  It’s shocking to see how tiny they are.  I think in real life, Jennifer Aniston is like 3 feet tall!

One of my best friends from New York is a fairly short guy.  He’s married now, with two beautiful children.  His wife is taller than him, and she’s never complained.

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In fact, when I see this picture of Gary Coleman, I think it would be great to be his height.  Never again would a woman say to me, “My eyes are right here, not down there.”

Wear Awareness Bracelet, Meet Women

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Recently, I’ve noticed that unattached women — strangers — have been friendly to me, even initiating conversations. These strange occurrences have taken place in a Starbucks, a supermarket, and even a crowded Century City elevator.  What I couldn’t figure out was — why was I suddenly so much more attractive to women?    I haven’t done much of interest lately to make my personality ooze with confidence.    I’ve been driving the same Honda Civic for several years now, and no one has pimped my ride.  I didn’t have an Extreme Makeover either.  I asked my friend, Martha.   She said the reason was obvious.  I had started to wear a pink breast cancer awareness bracelet on my wrist. When women see it, they know I’m a sensitive guy who cares about women’s issues, and they feel safe with me.  Duh…

Wow, I thought.   I really do care about finding a cure for breast cancer.   But if it can also help me meet some hot babes, what’s wrong with that?

I told this to my friend Rob.  He works at Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena.  He was not impressed.  As a scientist, he found this system for meeting women to be too random.  Men do not just want to talk to any woman in the elevator.   Men want to meet their “matching personality type,” he said, using the terminology of the eHarmony site he’s been throwing his money away on.

Luckily for Rob, and all other men out there, I discovered that there are literally a hundred different color awareness bracelets for sale, each representing a different illness, political affiliation, or public opinion — from liver disease to pro-choice.  This greatly expands the possibility of finding the right woman using this “awareness bracelet color technique.”

For instance, maybe you have the hots for that cute librarian who has a picture on her desk of her six cats, three dogs, and five rabbits.  She’s never noticed you at all.  No problem!  Next time you’re at the library, why not return your books while wearing a purple bracelet (purple symbolizing anti-animal abuse).  You don’t like it when little animals get hurt, do you?  I bet you’ll catch her eye this time!

How about that brainy law student from Brooklyn who sneezes every time you bring up your love of camping in Yosemite?  Bingo!  Win her heart with a gray bracelet  (gray: help allergy sufferers!)

Some other women you might want to woo:

The feisty independent filmmaker, hates Bush and big American corporations  (brown bracelet for anti-tobacco).

The moody singer-songwriter who writes sad songs about her childhood (green for childhood depression).

The exotic fashion model who’s part Cherokee, part African-American, part Jewish, and part Turkish.  (orange for cultural diversity).

The talented, but oh-so-thin actress who only picks at her salad.   (light blue for eating disorder).

Your nephew’s second grade teacher who looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones.  (blue for education).

That funny Latina comedienne from the gym, whose younger brother is in prison.  (black for gang prevention).

The Honda Hybrid salesgirl from the apartment next door who you hear having sex all the time and who once scolded you about not recycling. (green for environmental).

Who said that promoting a good cause can’t bring its own rewards?!

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