Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: Carnival of the Mundane

The Carnival of the Mundane XXX — (the XXX edition)

couple3.jpg 

Andrew started to unbuttton Jane’s top.  

“I want you,” she said.

“And I want to…”

[the following paragraph has been deleted by the editors of “The Carnival of the Mundane.”]

Jane took another puff of her cigarette, the sweat still on her body.  She caressed Andrew’s strong and manly chest.

“That was amazing,” she said.   “It’s like we are soulmates.  I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I think I’m in love with you.”

“Why would I mind.  I’m in love with you!”

Jane laughs and kisses him.

“You make me so happy.   You know, I’ve never been in love before.   Have you?”

“Well, many years ago, there was this high school teacher in Ohio named Nance, but she became obsessed with how Jesus is portrayed in movies, so it didn’t work out.”

“That must have been hard on you… your first love.”

“It was.  But I quickly rebounded with this woman from Minneapolis.  I used to call Not Faint Hearted because she was kinky as hell!”

“What happened with her?”

“It’s pretty sad actually.  We had a big fight when we went shopping for a toilet.”

“I didn’t know all this about you…”

“I didn’t think it was important…”

“I think it is good that you’ve been in love before.  It shows that you’re a loving person.”

“I like being in love.  And I like being with you…”

Andrew kisses Jane’s stomach, then starts moving his downward, finally kissing…

[the following paragraph has been deleted by the editors of “The Carnival of the Mundane.”]

Jane rolls off of Andrew and lights another cigarette..

“So, there were other women, too?” she asks.

“Yes.   I remember how much I loved Postmodern Sass, but she had this problem deciding if someone was a boy or a girl!   It was very odd… and it made me uneasy to be around her.”

“Sounds odd.”

“I also was in love with this exotic poet named Madeleine, but she went bonkers whenever her computer hard drive crashed.   And then there was Fitena, but she loved reading more than partying.  Oh yeah, there was also Marisa.  She was a real hottie, but when she found water leaking in her closet, she blamed me!  Women!”

“Is that when you started doing online dating and met me?”

“Oh, no.  Not yet.   After Marisa, I fell in love with Maliavale.  She had the cutest mole on her butt.  But when the mole was removed, things just weren’t the same.  I tried starting a relationship with this woman I used to call “Better Safe than Sorry,” but her constant stressing and inability to follow directions bugged me.  I was head over heels over Finn, but she was never home.  She was always out grocery shopping at 8PM.”

“My god!  How many women have you been in love with?”

“Well, certainly no one as sexy as you…”

“Oh, really?”

“Absolutely.  And you know what I’m in the mood for?”

“What?”

“I’d like you to…”

[the following paragraph has been deleted by the editors of “The Carnival of the Mundane.”]

“… you mean there were more?!”” she asked.

“There was Stephanie.  She was really cute, but I was kind of embarrassed to be hanging around a woman who didn’t know how many sides were in a trapezoid.   Ellen was fun, but spent way too much time re-organizing her clothes in her closet.   Ascender was wild in the bedroom, but she was a little too New Agey for my taste… always gazing at the sky.”

“My god.  I don’t know you at all.”

“That’s exactly what Fringes said when I moved in with her.  But I really resented having to pay extra rent for her dog, so I left.  I enjoyed living with Elizabeth, because she was very mellow and appreciated the quiet sounds of an ordinary day.  Too bad she caught me in bed with Tamarika.  Now that was one freaky chick!  She used to dream about pale green razors.

“It’s like one woman after another.”

“Not always.  There was the time I tried a threesome with “Life with Mother” and Roadchick, but that was a major headache.  I never understood why “Life with Mother” had to get her TV Guide every week.    And if I had to hear Roadchick’s “frozen pees” story one more time…

“Where did you meet all these women?”

“Oh, it wasn’t just women.  There were men, too.”

“Men?”

“It was a time of experimentation.  There was Karl, this exotic dancer from Florida, but he had a bit of a nasty streak — always wishing a boulder would fall on the car in front of him.  I was definitely in love with him.  And there was Lefty.  What a hunk!  If only, his office desk wasn’t such a mess.”

“Do you just fall in love with any person you meet?”

“Of course not.  And it doesn’t just have to be a person, either.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was so distraught over Karl and Lefty, that I then decided to leave the big city and move to a animal farm in Kansas.  While I was there I started a relationship with a….

[the following paragraph has been deleted by the editors of “The Carnival of the Mundane.”]

“… that’s sick!” she cried.

“You want to have sex again?” Andrew asked.

“Sure,” Jane answered, and climbed on top of him.

The end.  

Happy Mundane Day!

Mundane, Mundane

Sofa_004.jpg

Two Roads sent me a photo of her brand new couch. Why? I’m not really sure. I once asked other bloggers for photos of their beds, but never of their couches.

But do I mind that she send me a photo of her beautiful new couch?

Not at all. I’m flattered.

I mean I’d rather have a photo of her jumping on a trampoline while naked, but a photo of her new couch is my second choice. I find the photo interesting exactly because it is so mundane. It’s a couch. To me, the mundane is the stuff of life. In the mundane are the seeds of drama and romance. Who knows what this couch will bring Two Roads in the future? Maybe she will be on it next week kissing with some new boyfriend. Or making love with an old flame. Or watching TV as the President makes some important announcement. Maybe she’ll be blogging while SITTING on this couch. Maybe she is reading this RIGHT NOW as she sits on her new couch. Whatever she does, this new couch is now an integral part of her life. What secrets this couch can soon tell!

I don’t pooh-pooh the mundane, because the mundane is fascinating. The trip to the supermarket. Being stuck in traffic. Playing Monopoly with your child. Rushing out to buy that condom before the big date.

If you love the mundane as much as I do, I invite you to participate in “The Carnival of the Mundane XXX” (that is XXX meaning thirty). For more info, go here. The gala event will be held right here on Citizen of the Month, this Friday, March 2nd. All you have to do is send me a link to one of your posts. Try to think of the theme… the carnival of the mundane. I read your blogs. I know many of you are very boring people. This is perfect for you!

I’m leaving for Portland on Saturday, so Sophia will KILL ME if I spend all day Friday working on this, so PLEASE send me your links by Thursday at noon, March 1st. You want to keep me alive, right? Sophia driving off to Portland without me would NOT be mundane.

Remember — BE MUNDANE, M-U-N-D-A-N-E

My email is neilochka at yahoo dot com.

Carnival of the Mundane 5!

awards2.jpg

FIFTH CARNIVAL OF THE MUNDANE — AWARDS CELEBRATION
"The Mundies"

BLOGGED LIVE — FROM HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA
(more specifically, the IHOP on Wilshire Blvd. with free wireless!) 

Announcer:  And now, straight from Hollywood, it’s the Fifth Carnival of the Mundane.   And here are our hosts:  you know him from the website, Citizen of the Month, and you know her as the star of "The Bionic Woman" and numerous commercials — Neil Kramer and Lindsay Wagner!

The ORCHESTRA plays “Hotel California” as Neil and Lindsay enter from behind the curtain.

Neil:  Hello.  Hello.  It’s so exciting to be here with you.  I see so many familiar faces in the audience.  Hey, how are you doing, Jack!   Jack Nicholson, everybody!

Lindsay:  That’s not Jack Nicholson.

Neil:  Yes, it is.  Jack Nicholson, the tax attorney from Sherman Oaks.   Dean Abbott, who runs this carnival, only gives us a very limited budget.  Why do you think we’re stuck with a C-list celebrity like you?  How much are you getting paid anyway?

Lindsay:  Paid?  He promised me that you’d help me set up a Blogger account if I do this.

Neil:  Oh, sure, sure, I will… yeah, right…

Neil winks at the audience.  HUGE LAUGHS.

Lindsay:  The excitement is mounting here in Hollywood.  Who will win the coveted "Most Mundane Post of the Year" award?   Or as we call the award — the Mundy.   And the winner is right here in this envelope.

Lindsay holds up a golden envelope.  Neil grabs it. 

Neil:  I’ll take that.  I don’t want you to accidentally rip it open with your … bionic strength…

HUGE LAUGHS again.

Lindsay:  Who writes this crap?

Neil smiles at the audience.

Neil:  I see a lot of familiar faces out there.

Lindsay:  Yes indeed, Neil.   And everyone looks so beautiful.    Like Modigli.   Mo, your hair looks great.   Was this another one of your $50 haircuts?!

Neil:  Hey, Cherchez La Femme, did you buy those great shoes at Nordstrom?  You just love going shoe shopping!

Lindsay:  And what would a ceremony be without the always fabulous Maria of Naked Knitgirl?  Unfortunately, today she’s only wearing one mitten.  Did you lose the other one?

Maria:  You know it! 

The audience LAUGHS.

Neil:  Hey, I’m doing the jokes here.  I don’t know about you, Lindsay, but I’ve never seen Liz of Everyday Goddess looking so happy.   Is she in love or did she finally get a decent sized bathtub in her apartment?

The audience LAUGHS louder than before.

Lindsay:  While Liz is a local girl, some have come from great distances.  Daisy Mae drove in using the same car she did for her mini-road trip in Indianapolis.

Neil:  La Diabla and her daughter flew in from Israel.  Isn’t her daughter cute?  All day long, she’s been taking photos of the sights.  She’s becoming a real photographer!  Have you taken any photos of the exciting ceremony yet, young lady?

La Diabla’s Daughter:  Yes.  Here’s one I just took a second ago.

awards3.jpg

Neil:  Get that photo off there.  Uh… now back to our glamorous ceremony.   Damn kids.
 
Lindsay:  Look, even Lorie from Colla Voce is here.  That’s surprising, especially since she gets too emotional even to watch the Olympics.

Neil:  Kevin Kaygar is here with his wife.  She is so funny when she intentionally mispronounces Spanish words just to bug Kevin.  C’mon, say something for us…

Kevin’s Wife:  Amiogo!

The audience APPLAUDS.

Lindsay:  Of course, this broadcast is being translated into Spanish, as well as 200 other languages around the world.  There is also an official podcast created by Maribeth of Smart Bohemian, which is ironic —  since she insists that she isn’t a podcast person.

Neil:  As you know, this is the Fifth Version of the Carnival of the Mundane, which was started by Dean Abbott of Inspired by a True Story.  Dean now serves as the President of the Mundane Academy.   Ladies and Gentleman, may I introduce you to — Mr. Dean Abbott,

Dean enters to a polite response, but few claps.  No one ever really trusts the "guy" in charge.

Dean:  Thank you, Neil and Lindsay, for that wonderful introduction.  The past few weeks have been a great time for mundane blog posts.    In a short period of time, we have gone through the full range of human emotions.   

We have laughed at human foibles, such as Miriam’s trip to Staples with her husband.  What really happens when a man and woman go to buy a chair from Staples?   Can the marriage survive?

We have pondered love, commitment, and family.  Kim even showed us how much it actually costs to raise her seven — soon to be eight — children.  

We have been inspired, as when Tracy takes her first ever ride on the electric go-cart at Walmart.

At times, a blogger finds the dark side of life.  Backyards across the country were never the same after Nelumbo‘s husband battled a hornet’s nest

We were at the edge of our seats when Fitena had a real-life "fight club" with the ferocious town bully.

Some readers won’t even go near a tuna fish sandwich after reading about Nance‘s son and his fear of the dentist’s aquarium

Bill asks us the probing question, “What is a shit hat?” 

And who is making that mysterious call to  Blundering American

Even the usually fearless Retropolitan faces the heart of darkness when he tries wearing a sleep mask to bed.

And perhaps the most frightening tale of them all — Serena of Radical Flower vsher filing system.

Of course, mundane blog posts can also make us believe in a better future.  Who among us will ever forget Jack‘s heartfelt tribute to San Francisco’s idea of harnessing power from dog doo?

Mundane bloggers, I salute you all!

Dean Abbott exits.  Polite applause.  A few yawns.  Neil and Lindsay Wagner return to the podium.  The crowd goes wild with enthusiasm.

Lindsay:  Tonight’s award… tonight’s… next card, please, thank you.  Tonight’s award ceremony tops off a week of celebration and excitement.  

Neil:  Last night, there was a special dinner for all the Mundane Blogging participants at my messy Hollywood apartment, catered by none other than Wolfgang Puck — well, at least his frozen pizzas (on sale this week at Ralphs Supermarket) and his awful sodium-saddled canned soups.  A good time was had by all.  Let’s watch some of the highlights.

The lights dim as a  large screen comes down.  We see scenes from the party.  There is a lot of drunken behavior.  In the background, Lindsay Wagner and some others are playing a game of Texas Hold-em Strip Poker.

Lindsay:  A who’s who of mundane blogging was there.  My god, was I that drunk?

Neil:  Yes.

HUGE LAUGHS.

Lindsay: During the fun-filled evening,  Mata entertained us all with her rousing stories of mushroom hunting with her family.

Neil:  Josh, everyone’s favorite tech-geek brought some of his new fangled electronic toys with him.   We all listened in disbelief when he told us that he actually got some good customer service from his ISP.

Lindsay:  Nicole got very drunk and started telling stories of the stars — not Hollywood stars, but stars in the sky.

Neil:  Stephanie, frustrated with online dating, was flirting with everyone.  And I mean everybody.

Lindsay:  Momentary Academic had just attended the premiere of a new play, but she had trouble answering the question, "How was it?"

Neil:  Tatyana, always a wonderful guest, brought along some of her famed orchids.

Lindsay:  Cheryl came in late with a bunch of wild lesbians,  having just experienced L-Word night at a Hollywood nightclub.  

Neil:  Not all the guests were as pleasant.  After she learned that I buy my coffee from Starbucks, Marie seemed a little bitter, constantly comparing Starbucks to the Evil Empire in Star Wars.  

Random Yak was upset that I didn’t serve pancakes in honor of International Pancake Day

Marisa of Apartment 2024 stood in my kitchen all night, obsessed over the cutting board, saying it reminded her of her mother’s.  

Pia of Courting Destiny spent way too much time cleaning the computer monitor

Jen of Run Jen Run never could figure out whether or not she was supposed to hug anybody.  Jen – that’s why they invented therapy!  

Muse just left early, saying she "just can’t miss her walking group." 

And Postmodern Sass was the worst.  God help anyone who has to make Sass a simple piece of toast.  She must have it sliced just the right way! 

Luckily, the partying regained its energy when the wild TMW showed up, exciting us all with a behind-the-scenes look at his early morning blogging ritual.

Let’s just say – my place was rockin’!

The screen rolls up.  The audience APPLAUDS.

Lindsay:  And now, the big moment has arrived.    The nominees for "Most Mundane Post of the Year" award are:

The audience goes silent.  The tension is mounting —

Neil:  Claire’s “Question Mark, Jerk.”  —   A daughter ponders whether her straight-laced father actually just said something pornographic.

Lindsay:  Heather’s “Arch Nemesis” – A tear-jerker about how a young woman must say good-bye to an unlikely friend.

Neil:  Chickybabe’s “Mundane Kind of Day” —   The seductive tale of how the look of a handsome stranger can change a mundane day.

Lindsay:  Cruisin’ Mom’sThere Once was a Boy” – A nostalgic tale of first love in the 6th Grade.

Neil:  And Hyperion’s “Flowers in My Attic”  — A man must fight for the right to send flowers to his Valentine.

Lindsay:  And the Mundy goes to –

Neil opens the envelope –

Neil:  Dean Abbott!

Lindsay:  Dean Abbott?  Doesn’t he run this carnival?

Neil:  So?

Lindsay:  This is bull****.  He didn’t even submit anything this week.

Neil:  Keep quiet, bionic mouth.  He told me if I did this, he’d introduce me to some cute female blogger he knows in Santa Monica.

The audience boos.

Lindsay:  Jeez, this award ceremony is a farce.  You give out a phony award, just so you can meet some woman?!

Neil:  Can you think of a better reason?    Pretty mundane, huh?  Which happens to be very appropriate for this carnival.

Lindsay walks off the stage in disgust.

Lindsay:  You just wait until I write about this in my blog!

Neil:  Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!  Hope you enjoyed the Fifth Carnival of the Mudane.   The next installment of the carnival will be on March 17 — hosted by Cheryl at Bread and Bread.   Dean, I’ll call you later to discuss our deal!

Carnival of the Mundane 5 Coming Soon

mundane.jpg

Do you know what a  blog "carnival" is?   It is a link-fest which gathers together blog posts on a certain subject or theme.  These carnivals  usually come out on a weekly, bi-monthly, or monthly basis.  Most of the blog "carnivals" revolve around big-ticket themes. 

A few months ago, Dean Abbott at Inspired by a True Story had a terrific idea.   What about a blog "carnival" that focused on the mundane things of daily life — the stuff that most of us write about?  From that idea was born the "Carnival of the Mundane."

The Carnival of the Mundane is run by Dean Abbott and Postmodern Sass at Postmodernes Sprachspielen.  There have already been four Carnivals, each hosted by another blogger, each carnival topping the last with over-the-top surprises and life-affiirming ordinariness.

On Friday, March 3rd, I will be hosting the Fifth Carnival of the Mundane, right here at Citizen of the Month.  From all accounts, it should be a bigger event than the Oscars on March 5th.   And yes, I will be wearing a tux.

I’m hoping that many of you will submit to this carnival.  After all, the only reason Dean asked me to host it was because I told him that I knew the most mundane bloggers in the blogosphere, writers that could definitely put a hyperactive child to sleep.  Finally, don’t you deserve some attention for your God-given talent?

If you want to submit a post that deals with the mundane in a unique way – send your name, the permalink to your post, and your blog’s name to neilochka at yahoo [.] com. 

Update:  The carnival is now up!

Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial