As you may know, now is the season when all the “Best Blog” Awards are handed out. There are several of these competitions currently running. It is of the utmost importance that you vote for me for “The Best Blog of 2008″ in every single one of them. I thank you. I really do consider you all as my personal friends. It would mean so much to me if I were considered “the best of the best.” If I was able to win one of these contests, I would finally be able to hang out with the really big-time bloggers, and not the bunch of losers that I usually… uh, let me rephrase that. I love you. Some of you have fine blogs. Of course, none of them are the caliber of the really cool bloggers such as… I mean, most of you are happy enough just blabbing on and on and on about your boring… cute children. But that’s water under the bridge. You’re nice people. Well, except for a few of the assholes I met last year in Portland. That said, I know you care. Or at least you’re very insecure. No, I think of every one of my blogging friends as an equal. Except for the two bloggers who actually know Dooce personally. They’re special. Well, one of them is. The other one took me off her blogroll. But that’s OK. She’s probably been busy. She’s pretty important in some circles. Although, I do see she comments a lot on the blogs of her friends. Oooh, her friends. You know, maybe she’s been commenting on my blog all this time, but it’s being caught as spam, and I never notice that she’s been commenting. Yeah, maybe. Well, whatever. She’s probably busy. Things will be different soon. Soon, I’ll be “The Best Blog of 2008.” Then, she’ll be reading me again. Yes sir. Good-bye losers. Hello, Dooce. Or whoever Dooce is this year. Is Pioneer Woman this year’s Dooce? Hey — maybe I can be this year’s Dooce? Eh, I doubt it. But what am I complaining about? I have all the really hot babes coming to this blog. That’s something impressive, right? I mean, even if the three female bloggers I actually slept with this year have been as exciting as gefilte fish in the sack. Well, one of them was doped up on 100mg of Prozac, so I can understand her problem. No woman can have a decent orgasm when she’s on that stuff, no matter what position I use with her. But that was my fault for getting involved with her. I totally misunderstood her when she said she was bipolar. I thought she was talking about some kinky sex thing. Live and learn.

Well, like I said — I love you all! And thank you.

(OK, OK, just in case you’re new: Truth factor 0%. Come on, seriously! Do you really think I would let the female blogger go without an orgasm? Even one on Prozac?)

(OK, OK, it is 2AM, Sophia is sleeping. I can write whatever I want, dammit!)

The finalists of the 2007 Weblog Awards (the Bloggies) were announced last week.    As you may have noticed, I haven’t mentioned this until today.  My reason has nothing to do with the fact that Citizen of the Month was not a finalist in anything, not even “The Best Blog Written by a Jewish Man Living in Redondo Beach,” which was beaten out by “The Surfing Orthodox Rabbi of Redondo Beach.”  I was glad to see that Dooce was a finalist in FIVE (!) categories, including, “The Best Blog that Neil Kramer will Complain About When he Goes into Therapy.”

Several of my pseudo-fake friends are finalists  — like the beautiful Laurie of Crazy Aunt Purl, the glamorous Deb of Smitten Kitchen, the fashionable Elisabeth of La Coquette, and the stunning Jay of Kill the Goat, none of who I’ve actually met.  Their blogs are so popular already, and since I’m passive-aggressive, I’m not even going to bother to link to them.   Suckers!

Instead, I’ll link to the graceful Tamarika, my blog crush of the day, who paid money to go on a date with me.  Also, let’s be honest, since she is not a Bloogie finalist, she is much more likely to “make out” with me in the backseat of my Hyundai than the four other “bigshots.”