The Conversation

Jackie and I were sitting in the Cozy Cafe.

“Have you read “50 Shades of Grey?”  I asked.

“Yes.  It’s so poorly written,” said Jackie, my long-time blogging friend.

“That’s what I heard.”

“And the media is so superficial in discussing it.  They’re acting as women have never enjoyed erotica before. Or had sexual fantasies.”

“You know the media.  They just like to create controversy to get more readers.”

“But maybe it’s good that the fantasies of women are more openly discussed.  That women are finally able to be comfortable talking  about sex, masturbation, vibrators, and their own vaginas.”

What I liked most about Jackie was that we could discuss anything, without fear of embarrassment.

“I wonder if the openness of blogging has helped push this agenda for women.” I mused.

“You might be right,” she said.  “Women can be honest about what they want in their lives sexually.”

“I wonder if blogging even paved the way for a sexually-realistic show like “Girls” on HBO.”

“Interesting,” said Jackie.  “It’s like the time has arrived where women don’t have to sugar coat their sexuality for the patriarchy. We can sleep around. We can have bad sex. We can be fully actualize sexual beings.”

“Blogging has also changed the way men think about sexuality,” I chimed in.

“Yeah?  In what way?”

Jackie, with a masters in Feminist Studies, was always willing to discuss gender issues.

“I think, before blogging, men were mostly attracted to women because of their looks.”

“Yeah, tits and ass.  Men are so simple.”

“But that has all changed.  I know something has happened to me in the last year eight years of blogging. I have spent so much time online, interacting with a person’s creativity and talent, that it has become more important to me than a person’s physical appearance.”

“Maybe that is true for women, but never for men.”

“No, blogging has feminized men.  We fall in love with your writing and photography now, not your bra size!”

Jackie was still skeptical about my theory.

“Bullshit.   Even at BlogHer, I notice how the men act.  They spend the weekend surrounding whoever is the hottest looking momblogger in the room.”

“You are so wrong.  That doesn’t happen anymore.   We might notice a blogger’s cleavage, but we want to talk with the one who makes us laugh on Twitter.”

“I don’t buy it.”

“No, really!” I insisted.   “There is something sensual about talent.  Can I be honest with you — since you are always open with me, telling me about vibrators and stuff?”


“Remember that great post you wrote last week. About visiting your grandmother in the mountains when you were a teenager.”


“I loved it. I loved it so much, I thought about the imagery all night. The way you described the mountain air.  It was so beautiful.   And later, when I opened up my computer to read it a third time, I said to myself, “I wish I could fuck this post.”


“I was just so moved by what you wrote that I needed to fuck your words. I had to take my cock out because I was so turned on.”


“Now, remember, this has nothing to do with the size of you dress or your hair.   It was your mind that turned me on.  I hope this isn’t too weird for me to tell you.”

“I’m speechless.”

“I just figured that since you read “Fifty Shades of Grey” and like “Girls,” you would be comfortable with my own honesty.”

“There is just one big difference.  That other stuff is fiction! It is cool because it isn’t real. But jacking off to my blog post about my late grandmother is f*cking sick!”

“It doesn’t really mean anything, or change our relationship.  I was just trying to tell you how blogging has changed me as a man.  How it has opened me up to new turn-ons.”

“You’re a fucking freak, man.   Pervert.  I never want to hear from you.”

“But I was just being OPEN WITH YOU!”

Jackie grabbed her purse and started leaving the coffee shop, the other customers eavesdropping in.

“Go jack off to your own dead grandmother!” she said as she left.  “I’m blocking you from ever reading my blog again!”

“But not on Facebook, right?” I pleaded, not wanting to lose a follower.

But she was already gone.


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26 Responses to The Conversation

  1. erykah says:

    I heart you Neil <3 <3 <3

  2. Wow, to think I’ve been writing erotica without even knowing it! Now I’m the hot grrrl with tight metaphors.
    V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios posted Lighten up

  3. PattyCake says:

    See what you get for talking about your feelings? There’s a reason why men don’t do that.

  4. Marie Nicole says:

    I NEEEEED to know: is this a true story? Did you really tell a friend (who has a freakin masters degree in feminism) you masterbated to her story about a dead grandmother??? Bwahahahaha! That is so fuckin’ awesome!

    I love this story, I just may have to make love to it tonight, as long as I don’t slip and say “oh blog post” instead of “oh Leo”
    Marie Nicole posted The 1st Time I got Hit By A Car Was Caused By A Paint Splatter

  5. Summer says:

    Absolutely brilliant.
    Summer posted The Title Should Go Here.

  6. Stacey says:

    “But not on Facebook, right?”

    That sent me over the edge. I needed a smile today. Thank you, Neil.
    Stacey posted Flutter

  7. I love how you always manage to hide your freaky self and lure us in, then BAM! Surprise ending!

    Better than happy ending imo.

    You may disagree. I guess.

  8. gorillabuns says:

    I do love how you have changed and evolved during these past eight years of writing.
    gorillabuns posted day one of summer break

  9. Neil, I love this. One of our first twitter conversations (on #blog2012) you hinted that women blog writing was sexy, and consequently I’ve been your fan ever since. A man that thinks with his brain and is secure and free enough to translate that south (rather than the other way round) – that is gold!
    Deb @ Bright and Precious posted Before and After

  10. GrandeMocha says:


  11. Emma says:

    Today was the kind of day that resulting in me crying when I cut open an avocado & it wasn’t ripe enough for proper guacamole. So thank you for the chuckle. Too funny.

  12. MissingMolly says:

    What what??

    Holy shit, I just laughed.
    MissingMolly posted Calling card

  13. schmutzie says:

    This is me abusing your comments to test to see if Akismet has successfully marked me as not spam.
    schmutzie posted Sad Days Get Better

  14. schmutzie says:

    Yay! Thank you :)
    schmutzie posted Sad Days Get Better

  15. Alexandra says:

    I’m masturbating to this post right now.

  16. I like your theory, Neil. Hypothetically, then, you might have masturbated over my recent posts on piano-accordions, diamond domino sets, or Chelsea’s victory in the European Champions League. Because they were all beautiful.

    Much as I love your stuff, Neil, I’m afraid it gives me a wet noodle. Maybe you thought you could suck me in with that picture of you in drag (April 21) or those hot men making the human pyramid on the beach (May 22). Nope. Nothing. Only a truly, truly straight eye could take a picture of five shirtless muscle-studs standing on each others’ manly shoulders, their oiled skin glistening in the sun, and leave me saying, “Gee, that’s artistic.”

    Of course, if you masturbate over my blogposts, I might need to masturbate in return, because that would be the polite thing to do. Manners maketh the man.
    The Honourable Husband posted Photo Friday: Walk

  17. Luda says:


    The Not So Cozy Cafe.

  18. Nancy P says:

    Perfect read to start my day!

  19. Hil says:

    I was being lazy about writing something new at my place, then I read this! I am now inspired to write in the hopes of turning someone on with my big, hot, luscious brain!
    Hil posted Duct Tape Birthday Card

  20. Love this post. Would love more the link to Jackie’s post that left you thinking about its imagery all night. And I love that you say what others don’t admit to.
    Salena of The Daily Rant posted Earl Is The Only Grey In My Life

  21. Not wearing anything under my prose. Well, except for the Strunk and White’s fiftieth anniversary edition I stuffed into my bra.

    Suburban Kamikaze posted Math homework cleanup = more than the sum of its parts

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