Comments on: I Cannot Imagine

By: chrissieroux

chrissieroux — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 01:00:25 +0000

I loved reading this. Expressing empathy can be tricky, right? Even though it should be a no-brainer?

I usually try to say something like “I can only imagine…”

But even that sounds lame.

By: subWOW

subWOW — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 13:35:35 +0000

THIS. IS. GOOD.

Thank you.

I do try to catch myself when I want to “empathize” with people when clearly there is no way I could even remotely “imagine” what they are going through. But yes try we should.
subWOW posted Fallen From The Sky

By: The July 2010 Just Posts | collecting tokens

The July 2010 Just Posts | collecting tokens — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 03:31:45 +0000

[...] Citizen of the Month with I Cannot Imagine [...]

By: Finn

Finn — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 17:06:34 +0000

I completely agree with you, Jen. Imagining and knowning are two different things.
Finn posted So- Canada

By: Jen

Jen — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 16:02:45 +0000

Been thinking about this…

How about: “I can only imagine what you’re going through.”

Seems to say it all.

By: heather

heather — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 15:16:47 +0000

If anyone pays attention, it is you. Too much sometimes, but yes, there is tremendous kindness in paying attention.
heather posted week 25- place

By: Loukia

Loukia — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 13:19:09 +0000

In regards to your comment, Neil, I have to say that I couldn’t imagine being a criminal, like a really really bad one, who kidnaps and kills. I can imagine being a person who doesn’t have enough money and being drive to steal food – and in my eyes, that is no criminal. I can imagine if someone murders a loved one always wanting to get revenge.
I have friends who don’t have children who certainly CANNOT imagine how life with kids is sometimes hard, having heard: “You’re so lucky you’re on mat leave! You get stay home all day and do NOTHING!” They don’t imagine at all!

By: sweetsalty kate

sweetsalty kate — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 12:29:33 +0000

Whenever people have said “I can’t imagine what you’re going through” to me, it’s always come across as an unspoken “Thank god I’m not going through what you’re going through.” It’s alienating. It cements the border between Lucky People and Unlucky People.

It’s not that the sentiment hurts, necessarily. It just tends to leave me not knowing what to say. Do I thank someone for saying that? Do I apologize for confronting them with this nightmare? Puzzling. I don’t see it as some sort of kinder flip-side of “I know exactly what you’re going through”. That’s different entirely. Almost nobody says that. It’s way too inane. But loads of people insist that they can’t imagine. And every time they do, the hole I fell into gets strangely deeper.

This has had me thinking ever since you posted it, Neil. I’m glad for your imagination.
sweetsalty kate posted on the fluidity of being almost-37 and having a soul thats one-half marshmallow banana

By: Danny

Danny — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 04:49:45 +0000

Having lost a child last year with another one in intensive car for five months, I had a lot of experience with people’s reactions to someone else’s tragedy. I appreciated all support, believe me, it was a lifesaver, but I would’ve felt quite strange if someone who had not gone through such an experience had said “I know exactly how you feel” because they just don’t. On the other hand, I wouldn’t have minded “I can imagine…” and I longed to talk to people who had been through it because I wanted to talk to people who DID know. The only comment that grated on my nerves during our crisis was “I know everything’s going to work out and your son is going to be completely fine.” It sounds like that should be reassuring but it isn’t always because it seems more like the person saying it is expressing their discomfort with the sadness and they’re just wishing it away.

By: Amber

Amber — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 04:01:19 +0000

The reason that I say those words is because I’ve experienced things myself that I felt other people couldn’t understand. When I did, I didn’t want someone telling me how I felt, or how I should feel. I wanted them to allow me the space to feel how I felt, and to acknowledge that not having been through it themselves, they didn’t share my perspective. That’s why I say it.

Although, of course, it’s trite and quite possibly untrue. Just like so many other things we say, really. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop saying them. I’m not always really SORRY when I say I’m sorry, but a little bit of social lubrication doesn’t hurt.
Amber posted Jacob’s Hair