Comments on: Last Post On This

By: Shirley

Shirley — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 03:53:35 +0000

The post I read has that Neil put his hand on her thigh for 5 seconds, now if it’s been edited I take back what I’m about to write. But c’mon, putting a hand on a thigh does not equate a sexual assault. I don’t know what everyone is getting riled up about, a little thing like this? Sure it wasn’t pleasant, it seemed more awkward, and obviously Neil regrets the whole incident. He should not have to apologize to the girl again. It was a teenage mishap, these things happen. If you’re female you’re going to have to fend off men throughout life, sorry to say, but that’s the way it is. I am not refering to date rapes, gropings or real assaults here, just stupid incidents where things get slightly out of hand.

By: alice

alice — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 16:55:55 +0000

I’m coming in late to this (painful, awkward) party, but I wanted to say that I had a very similar encounter when I was in high school. At the end of a long night I found myself in an overcrowded car on the lap of someone I had no interest in. He was big, the music in the car was loud, and I don’t think anyone was aware of how hard I was trying to fend him off. When I finally escaped I had a bloody nose and a swollen lip. Awesome. Obviously what he did to me was far more violent, but what was the most upsetting then and for years after was the thought that, for him, it was no big deal, that he wasn’t even a little aware of how humiliated and upset I was.

So reading your story–it helped me, at least. It doesn’t make what you did okay, and I’m not going to jump on the “you’re so brave” bandwagon, but it’s a welcome reminder that a story can be seen from different perspectives, and there can be regret and shame and humanity in it, even if it’s not immediately apparent. So I wanted to thank you for that.

Also, I wanted to add that cognitive maturity doesn’t develop until we’re in our mid-twenties. Teenagers are, neurologically speaking, judgmentally impaired. It wasn’t just hormones working against you. Again, I don’t want to excuse the behavior, but maybe this sheds a little more light on it…

By: muskrat

muskrat — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 03:17:10 +0000

I didn’t like you much before and still don’t.

Ha! Everyone knows you were, like, one of the top 5 coolest guys at BlogHer ’09. And I mean everyone.

Wasn’t the story from when you were 56 years younger than you are now? Totally ancient history.

By: Peter

Peter — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 23:00:31 +0000

Wow. Your postings are great and true and the responses I read are way out of whack.. it is as if you are being mobbed by a large number of crazed, out-of-balance women. Whatever happened to these females in the past to cause all this snarling and gnashing of teeth is certainly not your responsibility and to take all that on your shoulders would be a great personal error on your part. Best to just say “sorry you feel that way” and move on as quickly as possible. There’s no reward in dealing with these tsunamis of misplaced rage. In all likelihood there’s no hope for them.

On we go…

Pete

By: baltimoregal

baltimoregal — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 22:25:30 +0000

I don’t follow you on Twitter anymore, it’s nothing personal but I have found that you are a bit provocative, and not in the sexual sense, but in the starting an argument for argument’s/ discussion’s sense. And I am too easily aroused, and not in the sexual sense, but in the getting irked/ Irish temper/ plain speak sense. Not all people communicate well, doesn’t mean I don’t respect you.

When I first began to read initial post I was afraid that provocative tone was what you were going for. By the time I finished it, though, I could tell it was not. You were sharing one of your dark places. We all have them and to share one and not be defensive or fight back when questioned about it (reasons notwithstanding) is laudable.

Maggie has done you a solid as well- a true “bridge over troubled water,” eh? Just when I thought I couldn’t respect her more…

Anyway, good on you Neil. I don’t expect you to change who you are. But the fact that you are considering your impact on others isn’t a bad idea. It’s something more of us should do. This is my quote for the year- “Are you more likely to speak up in praise, or blame?” I don’t know the answer yet, but I’m working on it.

By: lildb

lildb — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 21:02:06 +0000

Neil, I haven’t had time to really absorb any of this; Gwen pointed me to it late last night while we chatted via non-phone (ugh, international calls=$$$$$) means and I came by today to find out what the hub-bub was about. And while I’ve had to scan and skim because I’m at work (tshirts yay), I can see your honesty, your bravery in sharing something pretty lame you did way back when. Your responsiblity-taking for the behavior is what I admire, your willingness to try and discover what’s back of that kinda action, your desire to use yourself as a scapegoat to get to the bottom of the brokenness bw the mens and the womens, I can’t avoid telling you that I’m here. I’m willing to stick my neck out and say thank you. Thank you for being brave in revealing your uglier sides because you believe in the greater good of it.

You’re alright, Neil.

(Sorry if this sounds rushed or inane; I *am* at work, taking a quick break to focus on this, and can’t spare much time.)

By: moosh in indy.

moosh in indy. — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 19:09:55 +0000

I feel that I am a very outspoken prude, I have called you out on twitter before and I feel that what Deb said was spot on, however it is that teenage girl deep inside of me that fights back, not the grown up who made her own mistakes and tries so damn hard not to judge others, ESPECIALLY on past mistakes.
That being said I think that what has conspired between you and Maggie has been good. Like ripping off a big ugly band aid in one big motion. People can deal with it how they want to from here on out.
But to judge you for your honesty and sincere motives would be wrong.

By: Eliz

Eliz — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 19:02:28 +0000

I echo the others who say you’ve handled this all very well. I think you’re coming at it from a place of sincerity, that you genuinely want to know why your behavior and your post touched the nerves that it did. I wouldn’t want to see you adopt some sanitized persona of yourself for Twitter. As someone upthread said, we like you goofy and self-aware. And as Deb said, we’re all a work in progress. Next week we’ll be analyzing someone else’s flaw’s, someone else’s past.

By: Holli

Holli — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 16:26:53 +0000

Hi Neil – this is my first time visiting your blog. It’s unfortunate that it’s on this occasion, being directed here through Kelly’s very upset post.

I have been reading Kelly’s work and absolutely loving her writing and honesty for a while, so I believe that if she’s been following you, then you must be a good writer!

I am a Canadian woman, living in Ghana for the past 13 years. But I grew up in the 80′s in the suburbs and there are countless stories that happened – with victims and aggressors.

I just cannot share the anger that many of the women have expressed, after reading the story.

I don’t know you well, but the tone of the story intimates to me that you were a confused, inexperienced, frustrated boy who found himself for the first time up against the big scary feelings of lust and rejection.

I do believe you were ashamed and sorry and that you have matured and learned how to contain those feelings. The girl in the car has her battle scars too. We all do. But we learn so much – good and bad – about the world during those years, that it’s hard to judge people later based on pubescent fuck ups.

I wanted to say that we all have our own personal baggage and that everyone who reads your story will view it through the lense of their own experience. You cannot please everyone. I strongly believe that it was your right and that it was important to share the story.

(Sorry Kelly – just my little view).

Neil, I think you are generally a good guy with no ulterior motive or evil aims. The best to you in your writing.

By: deb

deb — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 12:00:13 +0000

i guess i am just glad i am not on everyone’s ‘radar’. i don’t know if i could take the beating. but i don’t blog to socialize… quite the opposite, rather. i started writing to say the things i needed to say, but couldn’t say to the “real” people in my life because they would all judge and react and pronounce. but then a funny thing happened, and i DID begin to socialize in blogland, and those same fears from my real life crept into my blog life. i know people have to “own their truths” or whatever, and by telling you how you should feel maybe helps them with their own demons, but i just can’t help but feel like you have maybe been just a tad misunderstood here.

i bet you’re wishing for a good breastfeeding/working moms v. stay-at-home moms/attachment parenting controversy right about now.