Comments on: The Incident in The Car

By: One Word | Citizen of the Month

One Word | Citizen of the Month — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 14:10:57 +0000

[...] to me on this theme than my very first post of 2010, written on January 3, 2010, titled “The Incident in the Car.” I was still in New York at the time, not aware of what my year was going to present to [...]

By: on going both ways.

on going both ways. — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 16:13:44 +0000

[...] sifted through my overwhelming (and mostly unorganized) collection of bookmarks and dug up this, a little ditty some dude wrote about a date he had in high school which ended in him becoming [...]

By: Missives From Suburbia

Missives From Suburbia — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 23:37:13 +0000

I came over from Maggie’s blog. On her post, I commented that she had released a flood of memories for me. I’ve been on the receiving end of the kind of thing you did more than once in the course of my life, and every one of those incidents left a scar on my psyche. I think I’ve outgrown those scars, which is good, because I’m 40, and now I’ve got wrinkles instead. But what I’m left with is fear. Fear for my daughter, and now, after reading your post, fear for my son.

Somehow, I thought it would be easier raising a son. I’ve never glimpsed the human on the other side of those awful “little” incidents. You just showed me that. And now, like I said, I fear for my son, too.

I don’t know if brave is the word I’d use for your confession. But you educated me, and the willingness to sacrifice a bit of your own soul to educate someone else is always a worthy effort. So thank you, Neil.

By: ParentopiaDevra

ParentopiaDevra — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 17:11:37 +0000

I began to write a comment and then it became ridiculously long. I have a different perspective on this as a parent of a teenage boy entering high school next year. So I wrote it all up as a post. Instead of a 1000 word comment. http://www.parentopia.net/blog/2010/01/blind-side-football-and-parenting.html

By: Jenny, Bloggess

Jenny, Bloggess — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 04:19:13 +0000

You made me cry. Both because I’ve been that scared girl in the car and because you made me pissed off to think that the boy who assaulted me was a real person who maybe never realized what he did to me. I wasn’t able to confront the guy because he died when I was 16 so I carry the story alone. It’s easier to be alone with it because I don’t have to think of him as a real person who may have regretted what he took from me. But after reading this I have to admit, he was a real person, and human. And maybe it will bring a sense of forgiveness and peace to me after this stops hurting so much. I’m glad you shared this even though I hate to think of you as being the same sort of person who broke me.

You are still my friend. I trust you. You made a mistake. I hope other people read this post and learn from it. The scars we carry never heal. I mean yours as well as ours.

By: nic @mybottlesup

nic @mybottlesup — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 01:27:29 +0000

as a rape survivor, i echo palinode… and sweet/salty kate… and moosh.

By: kelly

kelly — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 18:29:17 +0000

Hmmm. You got quite a few bruises from this one huh? Honesty is key here. I think most people remember the intensity with which we felt things in high school and sometimes even through college. The emotions and lack of impulse control ran rampant through my life, so I understand where that kid in the front seat of the car is coming from. I also see it from “the girl” point of view. She was probably scared, confused and angry all at once.
Great post, and great comments.

By: Eliz

Eliz — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 17:56:54 +0000

Like many other women commenting here, this happened to me, too. Like many others (and you as well, Neil), it has haunted me for years. I believe, that because of who it was who did it to me, that the incidents (yeah, more than one) was the root of my struggles with my weight. I felt I was being admonished for looking too attractive, being too sexually available and the message I internalized was that the best way to avoid being the target of that sort of sexual rage was to make myself unattractive, to take myself out of the equation. It was the only way I knew at that age to take control back for myself.

I am the tiniest bit gratified to hear that someone who’d do this to a woman has also suffered for years. I’m not cruel nor looking for vengeance, but there is a measure of consolation hearing that someone who would do what he did to me would have the proper remorse.

I also understand that you’d be confused at that young age about why you did it. I’m hearing some rationalization, some asking for forgiveness, but I really think you’re still confused — about why you did it, about why it has affected your relationships since then and about why you’re choosing to write about it now.

Since your introspection isn’t any deeper now than it was when the incident happened, I don’t think you’ve moved beyond it much. I don’t think your understanding of yourself or women has grown as a result, and I think it accounts for your Twitter persona. I think you still don’t know how much you can expect from women, so you cross boundaries in that boyish, cheeky way.

I acknowledge that I’m seeing this through my own lens. But I think I could be partly right, since — bizarrely and prophetically — you’ve always reminded me of the person who verbally assaulted me.

Thanks for writing this, even if you didn’t understand why you did it.

By: moosh in indy.

moosh in indy. — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 16:42:35 +0000

Eesh.
That’s all I’ve got.

By: this new place

this new place — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 01:26:30 +0000

I was “that girl” once and had something like that happen to me once, when I was on the track team. Except I didnt even know the guy. It was horrible and I will always remember it. I saw the guy on Facebook recently and blocked him. I appreciate that when you wrote this, you wrote about how you felt about it, and it makes it make more sense, it doesn;t make it right, but it makes more sense. xo