Motherhood Advice

For years, I have been jealous of the power of the mothers online. Why do they get all the attention and freebies?  I’m a competive person, and I’ve been scratching my head for months, trying to come up with some gimmick that would beat these arrogant bloggers at their own game.  And then. the idea came to me.  Eureka!  Why not start a mommyblog, make it 100x better than everyone else’s, sell advertising, and become a big success?

I can hear you laughing.

“He’s not a mom!” you say, snickering.  “How can he compete with ME and steal my advertisers?”

Here’s where I pull the rabbit from my sleeve.

Her name is Elaine Kramer.  She is a mother.  My mother.

Compared to your measly knowledge of motherhood, she has DECADES OF EXERIENCE.  If you need a heart transplant, do you want the fresh-faced kid one year out of medical school OR the VETERAN who has seen and done it all?  Mommybloggers love to give advice, when in reality they know SHIT.  Big deal — you can pick up some poop.  My mother knows about picking up the poop, sending her son off to pre-school, being a WAHM, being a SAHM, arranging birthday parties, dealing with a husband, catching her son playing with himself in the bathroom, seeing a child going off to college, seeing him getting married, AND seeing him getting separated?

THE REST OF YOU ARE POSEURS compared to my mother!

Have any parenting issues?  Get all your answers at my new blog, Motherhood Advice.  THE BEST AND MOST COMPLETE MOMMYBLOGGING BLOG IN THE BLOGOSPHERE.  Don’t be a sucker and read blogs by neophytes who don’t know a a mother’s tit from a teenager’s fit!  Why not choose someone with years of experience?!   My mother!

Advertisers welcome.  Please attend the Motherhood Advice Party at BlogHer, sponsored by Streit’s Matzoh.

(I probably am too lazy to actually start this blog, but ask my mother a puzzling parenting question and I’ll get her to answer one of the questions for you in the next post)

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12 Responses to Motherhood Advice

  1. Elisa says:

    Dear Mrs. Kramer, what would you do with an adult son who is kind of losing his shit? ;-)

    JK Neil. Awesome idea. Good luck with that. Only, you might need a bodyguard for BlogHer now. Or get to practice your “fight or flight” response when faced with a crowd of pissed off review bloggers :-D

  2. I often wonder about the expertise of new moms – or the ones who are seasoned veterans of 6 years. (I have 18 years and counting – and my friends with kids in their 20’s roll their eyes at me!)

    Bet your mom has a lot to share.

    You sure you want her blogging?

  3. Wicked awesome! Sign me up to follow that new blog! ;-)

  4. anymommy says:

    Are you going to bring your mom to BlogHer?

  5. I would love to lunch with your mother and pick her brain about you and your childhood. :)

  6. churlita says:

    I don’t think you can call yourself a real mom until you deal with teenagers. It’s all easy breezy until you’re actually confronted with sex, drugs and rock and roll…Uh, I mean, until your kids are confronted with all that.

  7. Some of the mommyblogs scare the shit outta me. A less easily ruffled veteran would probably kick the blogworld’s ass!

  8. Suzy says:

    Dear Mrs. Kramer,

    Is it bad that I’m counting the days until my teenage daughter to go to college? Hopefully she’ll live that long.

  9. Well, seeing as most people with kids out of todder hood have intentionally forgotten the most of it due to PTTD (post traumatic toddler disorder) and mot parents with kids out of teen years sum up their advice with “Oh, the girls are more difficult than the boys” or likewise, the very helpful “I’d have rather raised wild pigs than teen boys”, I’ll trust the parents who are fresher from the front lines of the preceding age range.

    And seeing as anyone with more than one child can barely remember what is was like to have an only, etc., etc., etc….

    Oh! And let’s not forget “When I was a kid, I rode standing in a convertible going 95mph downhill, and I turned out okay” when the very obvious answer is ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DIED OF MASSIVE HEAD INJURIES AREN’T AROUND TO SAY THAT THEY TURNED OUT OK BECAUSE GUESS WHAT THEY ARE NOT OK.

    I’ll choose my own mommies to listen to, thank you very much. But I’ll be sure to check in with your mom about surly middle-aged men. Because I’m living with one of those. ;-)

  10. Marry D says:

    I’m not a Mom, and I think NOT being a Mom, I should probably not give ANY Moms advice, yet sometimes I do. But I realize how lacking it probably is & that the Mom surely laughs behind my back. ~Mary
    ps Dr John linked to you, so I stopped by.

  11. Patrice says:

    Mrs Elaine Kramer, your mother must be a good role model of all WAHMs as she already had so many years of experience.

  12. Loukia says:

    Ha! Hilarious.

    You’re a great writer!

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