For the last four years, this blog has been all about my penis. I’ve written about my penis, given voice to my penis, posted drawings of my penis, and emailed photos of my penis to most of my female readers, including that infamous 2008 Christmas card with the miniature mistletoe and the copy that read, “Let’s Make it a Happy Holiday — Kiss Me!” I have not discussed my penis here for my own amusement or whim. I am not selfish, crude, or misogynist. As a people-person, I believed that I was giving my female readership what they wanted. I respect women. I just thought that women were ALL ABOUT the penis! Have I been wrong all along?
I’m sure my male readers will understand this logic. A man lives in a world that revolves around his penis, much like the planets orbit around the sun. So you can imagine the mind-blowing surprise that would come from learning that a woman’s world does NOT revolve around the man’s penis! That is a major paradigm shift for a man, as if NASA scientists suddenly said that the planets now revolve around NEPTUNE! In Galileo’s time, they burned people who dared speak this heresy.
On Friday, I wrote a little story about sex and senior citizens. As a literary experiment, I wrote it from the POV of women. I tried my hardest to capture the voices of women talking about sex, in case, one day, someone wants to hire me to write the screenplay to Sex in The City 5: The Retirement Years.
I asked a few of my online friends for an honest opinion on the post. I picked those bloggers who I knew would not be offended. I went to my Google Reader and chose those women who seemed the sluttiest, kinkiest — women I imagined to once be hot-to-trot, easy-in-college girls, who now, despite being married with children, still think about having sex ALL THE TIME. One of these women, the delighful MammaLoves, is a political consultant in Washington D.C., which I figured was a codename for “high price hooker for U.S. Senators (Democrats only – she has morals),” so I immediately asked her to read my post.
There are good parts, but it’s a little stiff (no pun intended). The women would be more animated and less focused on penis. We like penises, but we don’t talk about them a bunch. We also don’t focus on them as the hot part of a man. We like chests and eyes and asses and legs. And we don’t write about ourselves as removed. Does that make sense? I like the concept, but here is room for much more humor. And you know humor.
Women don’t focus on our penises?! Have I been blogging incorrectly all this time?! No wonder this blog never makes those A-lists of “Best Blogs.” Are you saying that you DON’T want photos of my penis in your inbox?! I know women don’t date a man for money or status, because that would be wrong and superficial, so I thought it must be the Penis! Are you saying that if I did push-ups and sit-ups, and developed my chest and abs, that this would be sexier to you than me undressing, taking you into the bathroom, and proving to you that I can pee into the toilet from a good six feet away, if I aim properly and have my “game” on?! (note to men — the compass app on the iphone is the greatest tool ever to find the precise angle of impact)
After I unpack and get myself organized in New York, I need to start working on my new memoir that I recently pitched to the editors at Random House, “All the Clitorises I’ve Loved Before: The Personal Journey of One Blogger’s Transformation from Penis-Centric to Vagina-Centric in the Few Months Before BlogHer (In Order to “Brand” Himself as More of a Giver than a Taker… Just In Case…)”