The Planets Now Revolve Around Neptune

For the last four years, this blog has been all about my penis.  I’ve written about my penis, given voice to my penis, posted drawings of my penis, and emailed photos of my penis to most of my female readers, including that infamous 2008 Christmas card with the miniature mistletoe and the copy that read, “Let’s Make it a Happy Holiday — Kiss Me!” I have not discussed my penis here for my own amusement or whim. I am not selfish, crude, or misogynist.   As a people-person, I believed that I was giving my female readership what they wanted.   I respect women.   I just thought that women were ALL ABOUT the penis! Have I been wrong all along?

I’m sure my male readers will understand this logic.   A man lives in a world that revolves around his penis, much like the planets orbit around the sun.  So you can imagine the mind-blowing surprise that would come from learning that a woman’s world does NOT revolve around the man’s penis!  That is a major paradigm shift for a man, as if NASA scientists suddenly said that the planets now revolve around NEPTUNE!   In Galileo’s time, they burned people who dared speak this heresy.

On Friday, I wrote a little story about sex and senior citizens.  As a literary experiment, I wrote it from the POV of women.   I tried my hardest to capture the voices of women talking about sex, in case, one day, someone wants to hire me to write the screenplay to Sex in The City 5: The Retirement Years.

I asked a few of my online friends for an honest opinion on the post. I picked those bloggers who I knew would not be offended.   I went to my Google Reader and chose those women who seemed the sluttiest, kinkiest — women I imagined to once be hot-to-trot, easy-in-college girls, who now, despite being married with children, still think about having sex ALL THE TIME.  One of these women, the delighful MammaLoves, is a political consultant in Washington D.C., which I figured was a codename for “high price hooker for U.S. Senators (Democrats only – she has morals),” so I immediately asked her to read my post.

Her review:

There are good parts, but it’s a little stiff (no pun intended). The women would be more animated and less focused on penis. We like penises, but we don’t talk about them a bunch. We also don’t focus on them as the hot part of a man. We like chests and eyes and asses and legs. And we don’t write about ourselves as removed. Does that make sense? I like the concept, but here is room for much more humor. And you know humor.

Women don’t focus on our penises?!   Have I been blogging incorrectly all this time?!   No wonder this blog never makes those A-lists of “Best Blogs.”    Are you saying that you DON’T want photos of my penis in your inbox?!  I know women don’t date a man for money or status, because that would be wrong and superficial, so I thought it must be the Penis!   Are you saying that if I did push-ups and sit-ups, and developed my chest and abs, that this would be sexier to you than me undressing, taking you into the bathroom, and proving to you that I can pee into the toilet from a good six feet away, if I aim properly and have my “game” on?!   (note to men — the compass app on the iphone is the greatest tool ever to find the precise angle of impact)

After I unpack and get myself organized in New York, I need to start working on my new memoir that I recently pitched to the editors at Random House, “All the Clitorises I’ve Loved Before:   The Personal Journey of One Blogger’s Transformation from Penis-Centric to Vagina-Centric in the Few Months Before BlogHer (In Order to “Brand” Himself as More of a Giver than a Taker… Just In Case…)”

This entry was posted in Misc. Humor, Sex and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to The Planets Now Revolve Around Neptune

  1. Memarie Lane says:

    The penis is something like 10th banana on the botanical totem pole of the male physique to most women. If that. It’s pretty much the second to the last thing we look at. Last being the testicles. Ew. Blame Mattel. Everyone likes to bask Barbie, but what about Ken? All those succulent abs and no penis. The penis is an anticlimactic addendum IMO.

  2. AnnieH says:

    OMG, you make me laugh:>)
    Take it from someone who’s seen A LOT of naked men…there’s a reason God invented clothes.
    PS. medical terminology-“the nether regions.”

  3. tmc says:

    Please tell us you didn’t sit around Florida w/ Mom and her friends discussing this.

  4. headbang8 says:

    Don’t believe them. Straight women love penises.

    How many chests and eyes and asses and legs cause titterful gossip amongst girlfriends? How many relationships have foundered because a man has a large dick but beady eyes?

    And there is certainly no room for more humour in your piece. It’s full.

  5. Stacey says:

    “Are you saying that if I did push-ups and sit-ups, and developed my chest and abs, that this would be sexier to you than me undressing, taking you into the bathroom, and proving to you that I can pee into the toilet from a good six feet away, if I aim properly and have my “game” on?!”

    I don’t know, I’d be pretty impressed you can pee standing up.

    Chest and abs? Yeah, I guess that’s nice. Honestly, I’m more likely to notice your ass though.

  6. You’ve been married, Neil. You should know they only care about the penis until it’s in their possession. Then it gets stowed away and locked up along with good china and silver candlesticks that never get used.

  7. Jodi says:

    I’m not going to touch this, so to speak, other than to say that the word “penis” in and of itself makes the one I don’t possess on my own body shrivel.

  8. chris_hoke says:

    So, my question is: Can you do that peeing in the toilet thing from afar from a dead stop and start? Because I have to start up close and then can sorta venture backwards, but then have to rush right back up to the bowl for the finish. Do I need to train more? Do you have a trainer?

    It’s like pouring water into a glass for me. I gotta start with the two close together, but then I can pull ‘em apart and keep it pretty clean.

    Not that I ever do this.

  9. Diane Mandy says:

    Aww, You don’t think we’ve been faking it for you? Do you, Neil?

  10. Loralee says:

    Ok, while the packaging may cause me to go “WTF?” I admit to having total envy of the sheer amount of YEE HAW! area that God doled out to the men of the world.

    Plus? I am totally obsessed with my boobs, so it’s all good. :)

  11. Robin says:

    Are you kidding? I love penis. Hairy, shaved, curved, veiny, throbbing…it’s all good. But if that penis is attached to a great guy, I will treasure said penis and it will never be neglected.

    So where’s my picture?

  12. You email female bloggers with pictures of your penis? All this time, have you thought I’m a man?

  13. kenju says:

    LOL (post and comments)

    and Neil, there’s another part of the anatomy that’s far more important than the penis (to most women). Got any idea to what I’m referring?

  14. It’s different for men and women. You guys get to see the goods (or at least an idea of the dimension of the goods) that we women have, right when you meet us. For us, your private parts are a great unknown. So we have to rely on other clues – like how much gel a man puts in his hair, or how big his motorcycle is.

  15. you’re spending way way way to much time with that new phone of yours!
    the thing that i find most attractive in a man would be his eyes first, i’m all about that up close face to face conversation, lots of eye contact works for me and a good ass doesn’t hurt either. it’s also hard to find a man with a good sense of humor that matches mine.

  16. cog says:

    I guess that’s better than having them orbit around uranus…

  17. Deidre says:

    For me its all about the shoulder region.

  18. 3boys1mommy says:

    I remember that post, and agree w/reviewer. Even though I knew it was a womans pov, I still saw Neil in a bad old lady wig, and heard Neil with his iPhone lisp ;)

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