Lap Dancing and Science

A few days ago, some blogger made a joke about lap dances on Twitter, and it occurred to me that, despite my encyclopedic knowledge of trivia, I didn’t have a clear idea of what happens during a lap dance.   While I have never seen a lap dance in person, I have seen them in movies.  We’ve all seen the scenario — it is a bachelor party, and the groom’s buddies hire some sexy woman/graduate student to dance in some tight t-shirt, circling the soon-to-be-groom like a twirling dervish, an erotic symbol announcing the death of the man’s happy single life, one last hard-on before he settles into the wife-controlled world of domesticity.

But how does the lap dance work? Does the lap dancer just dance for one song?  Do the man get to pick the song from her CD collection?  After all, if I’m going to be the one turned on by the dancer, and she starts dancing to Milli Vanilli, it’s not going to work for me.   I want a song that I would find sexy.  And does she dance just for me?  What do my buddies do meanwhile — just sit around and laugh at me?  Does she ACTUALLY sit on my lap?   If I get into the music, can I dance WITH her?  Even better, can I sit HER on her in the chair while I dance for HER?   That could be fun, too.

Apparently, I need to go out more.

I would be a bad customer for a lap dance.  It took me three years to learn to hug bloggers.  I don’t want a strange woman sitting on my lap, unless I’m volunteering as Santa at the local hospital.

(note to self:  volunteer to be Santa at local hospital)

So, how does an uneducated man learn about lap dancing.  Well, leave it to Wikipedia to have an entire entry on lap dancing, telling me everything about the history of this age-old form of entertainment.

But there was one section of the article that really captured my imagination, because it contained some useful information —

In 2007, based on statistics from 18 dancers over 60 days, it was noted that female lap dancers earned the highest tips around the time of ovulation, during the most fertile period of their menstrual cycle, and the lowest tips during menstruation; the average difference in earning between these two times amounted to about $30 per hour.

Wow.  What a difference in tips!  That’s the equivalent of me going to Olive Garden two nights in a row, ordering the same soup and salad special, and tipping the first waitress $2 and the second waitress $35!  Clearly, there is something special going on during the woman’s “most fertile period of their menstrual cycle.”

I love science.  And I love applied science.  It got me thinking — what could I do with this important scientific news?  Immediately, it became obvious to me.  I’m frankly surprised that our greatest minds haven’t noticed it earlier —

Think about it.   Women are MOST LIKELY to be hornier and HAVE SEX with you during this fertile period.  No wonder these lap dancers are racking up the big bucks during this fertile period.  For most of the month, they are just faking it, dancing for some dopey guys.  But during this fertile period, the women are themselves as horny as the men, maybe even hotter.  On those special nights, if the groom looked anything like Brad Pitt, she might actually take him right there on the chair.  The men sense this, and are going crazy, throwing money to the wind.

So, imagine I work in an office.  I’m a single guy.  I like Susan in Marketing.  I want to ask her out on a date.  I also wouldn’t mind seeing her naked in my bed.  What is my best option to get her into my bed with the least possible effort on my part?

Science.

I find out the time of her period, I chart her cycle on a Excel sheet, focusing in on the day when she is the most fertile.  I make a date with her — on the exact day when she is the most fertile and horny as a wild cat.  I take her somewhere fancy, like Olive Garden, tell her some bullshit, like “your eyes are like emeralds,” and then open the car door for her on the way home.  Snap —  in like flint!  A half hour later, she’s riding me like Annie Oakley on her beloved chestnut Abyssinian!

It’s all because of science, math, and Excel.

One problem remains.  In order for the science to be accurate, I need to plot out her most fertile day, which means I need to know the exact days of her period.  This can be tricky, unless I rifle through her pocketbook or her waste-paper basket, looking for evidence.

Luckily, science comes to the rescue again, this time with the Mcclintock effect.

The McClintock effect, also known as menstrual synchrony or the dormitory effect, is a theory that proposes that the menstrual cycles of women who live together (such as in prisons, convents, bordellos, or dormitories) tend to become synchronized over time.  The phenomenon, sometimes referred to as the “social regulation of ovulation,” was first formally studied by psychologist Martha McClintock, who reported her findings in Nature in 1971.

This gives me a whole lot more opportunities to create points on my Excel chart.  Clearly, those working in an office together spend hours in an enclosed space.  Menstrual synchrony will sure take place amongst female employees.  So, if I notice that many of my female co-workers are excusing themselves to the bathroom on the same day, say the 25th of each month, I should be able to extrapolate to a fairly accurate degree the exact day when Susan would be most likely to do the nasty with me on our first date.

Although I majored in English in college and have always enjoyed the Humanities, I have a great respect for Science and Math.

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48 Responses to Lap Dancing and Science

  1. Astrogirl says:

    I’m reading this, getting into it, enjoying the whole lap dance talk…

    ….aaaaand then you started talking about periods. It was like a bucket of cold water. And I’m a CHICK!

    I’m seeing a lot of angry, frustrated men leaving comments this week….Good luck.

  2. Chag says:

    You’re right. You do need to get out more.

    Go drop some science on those NY women!

  3. Marinka says:

    One of my closest friends in grad school was a stripper and did lap dances. They’re always faking it.

  4. Maura says:

    Your mind is truly an interesting place. Never having had a lapdance, I had some of the same questions…but it never would have occurred to me to blog about them!

    Oh, and it’s “in like Flynn,” not flint. In case you ever wondered.

  5. Izzy says:

    I’m guessing the higher tips during ovulation phenomenon is actually due to pheromones.

  6. Keri says:

    Hysterical post, Neil. I really think you should start applying some of this new knowledge and let us know how it goes. Good stuff!

  7. Ginger says:

    I think you make this whole seduction thing a lot more complicated than it really is. :)

  8. Suzanne says:

    The McClintock effect doesn’t always work. And what of women who don’t menstruate, thanks to surgical means? They still ovulate, but you’d have no clue as to where in that cycle they are.

    I’m with the previous poster, it is probably all due to pheromones. Sounds like a job for Adam and Jamie, dude. Get them to make you a pheremone meter!

    Interesting follow up to bringing all of the Internet together in an Interfaith expression of the season! :)

  9. Sex during ovulation = pregnancy. Or did you forget that part of the science project?

  10. Fancy says:

    You are a fascinating, scary dude, do you know that?

  11. Geoff says:

    Enlightening and informative, as always, Neil.

    Giggity!

  12. Roadchick says:

    Then there’s the whole “on the pill” issue – because that pretty much determines when a woman is going to have her period if she’s on the pill, no matter where her female office mates are in their cycles. I work in a mostly female office and sadly for your theory, Neilochka, it’s a proven fact that unless we synced up before going on the pill, we’re all in different phases.

  13. Annie says:

    Neil, you made me laugh, and I needed a laugh, as I had a really, really, bad day. Thanks for that :-).

  14. Nat says:

    There was a study in which they determined that people were more attracted to the smell of people who did not carry the same genetic markers in their sweat — or whose DNAs were significantly different from their own.

    How you use this for Suzie in accounting is beyond me.

  15. Neil says:

    Nat — Susan in Marketing!

  16. goodfather says:

    The post is pure genius. And creepy. Creepinus. And cool. Cooleepinus.

    For the uninitiated: lap dance involves creating friction between the ‘dancer’s’ posterior and the (usually) man’s lapal area, creating arousal, and sometimes (if you’re lucky) climax.

    You get 4 minutes. Go.

  17. Wow. That’s a lot of effort to put into getting laid. Wouldn’t it be easier just to get her drunk?

  18. Neil says:

    Goodfather — and the man is just sitting there in his pants while all his friends are looking on. Then what?

  19. Neil says:

    Mama Ginger Tree — That would be cheating. This would feel more like a personal accomplishment.

  20. Wow. Less thinking buddy, lessss thinking.

  21. leah says:

    you, sir, are brilliant. totally on to something there. in fact, i’ve long suspected there is some type of cycle involved with us crazy bloggers, for example, certain times of the month when people feel more strongly about commenting and reading.

  22. Sunny says:

    now, I have to check out if there’s a chance to figure men’s most horny periods :)

  23. Iron Fist says:

    You don’t need an Excel chart, Neil: science has already brought what you want to the web with PMS by RSS. Now you can sync up your favorite ladies to your feedreader! God, but I love science.

  24. gorillabuns says:

    Neil, I’m proof positive that when you have sex during ovulation, you get pregnant.

  25. You are officially more complicated than my husband.

    Now, if you could only find out when all of us hot mommy bloggers are menstruating I’ll give you a hint: when I Twitter “the red goose flies between the mountains”, that’s me asking for a tampon.

  26. Here. You’re an aesthetic kind of guy.

    http://tinyurl.com/2b8woq

    Much better than a lap dance.

    You’re welcome.

  27. Yay, ovulation.

    Super nerdy sciene alert: So if she’s on the Pill, as many women are, she may never ovulate during the month. Most pills work by preventing or suppressing ovulation and/or thickening the cervical mucus to provide an inhospitable environment for sperm. Thus, the “period” she would get would most likely be breakthrough bleeding.

    Nice, huh? I warned you it would be super nerdy.

    That said, the telltale sign is to see whether a woman takes her purse with her to the bathroom.

    Good luck!

  28. TRO says:

    I’ve been to my fair share of strip clubs over the years (fanciest are in Houston, TX; most erotic dancers are in Memphis, TN) but never got a lap dance as I was always too cheap to pay for one. Plus, it’s the principle of the thing – dinner and a movie is all I am willing to exchange for sex, especially if I have to be clothed during the act.

    Still, I finally got one but that was paid for by my co-workers when I was transferred to a new office many years ago. I got to pick the gal so I picked a brunette with real boobs which is a rarity in the stripper world.

    It was fun.

  29. Finn says:

    Again with the Olive Garden? What have we told you about that?

  30. Neil says:

    TRO — Are you still in touch with her?

  31. All Adither says:

    You can also tell by when, during the month, she’s taking her purse into the bathroom. Also, Olive Garden = you’re not gettin’ any.

  32. Nancy says:

    Bwahahahah

    Neil … Go to the head of the class.

  33. churlita says:

    Guys know when women are ovulating, even if they’re not aware of it. A lot of times, I only figure out I’m ovulating, because I notice tons of guys suddenly hitting on me. We’re all a bunch of animals when it comes down to it.

  34. Shawna says:

    Ditch the excel spreadsheet . . . .use the free charting on http://www.fertilityfriend.com.

    I laughed so hard at this that people at work are starting at me. Especially Susan in accounting.

  35. Kate says:

    Hm. I think that once you’ve gone to the trouble of figuring out and charting the synced menstrual cycle of the entire office, you need to aim higher with your goals. If all the women are ovulating at the same time, shouldn’t they all be horny at the same time? It seems to me that your office is primed for an orgy. Anything less than an orgy would be a waste of all that excellent science.

  36. Neil says:

    Shauna — Susan in Marketing!

    And Jozet – I just watched that video of that pole dancer. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. Not because I found it that sexy. But jeez, she’s strong!

  37. Followed you here from HER BAD MOTHER. Loved what you said about her last post. It’s comments like that one that will get you laid, in addition of course to science and math and excel. But your best option by far, based on your premise, it to become a guard at a women’s prison. A Canadian women’s prison would be even better cause in general? we’re saucier. The difference in lap dances on either side of the border being good evidence…

  38. kenju says:

    If you finally nailed her, wouldn’t it be sort of anticlimatic!??

  39. Ashley says:

    See, if only all men applied themselves to science and math…so many more would be getting laid. haha You rock.

  40. TRO says:

    Neil,

    Nope, but I think she graduated with honor and is now a successful businesswoman in the Natural Breast Enhancement field.

  41. Aren’t most women on the pill anyway? So while I’ve heard of this theory before, I have never worked out how it could possibly work, all the hot young things must surely be taking the pill. Unless it’s the older women who’ve already had babies and made their husbands have a vasectomy that you’re interested in. (Like Susan in Marketing?)

  42. kapgar says:

    Lap dancers have a 90-day challenge? Really? How do I become a guinea pig?

  43. oh wowzer! You are the only blogger out there that could dissect lap dancing through and analysis of menstruation. No digging in the trash to figure out when a woman’s period is though. Not allowed. That’s gross.

  44. Miguelina says:

    Ha hahahahahahah!

    Neil, you need to get out more and stop thinking so much.

    But if you did that, we wouldn’t get hilarious posts like this – so never mind!

  45. Neil! You’ve never had a lap dance? I’ve had a lap dance. You should definitely go get one RIGHT.THIS.SECOND before you get any deeper into your scientific research.

  46. Nance says:

    Sigh. Yes, “in like Flynn” it is. Though, it’s not a reference to ladykiller actor Errol Flynn, like most people think. It’s political, actually.

  47. I never thought about why I love to give lap dances.

    I just know that I do…

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