Wednesday Morning, McCain Wins / Wednesday Morning, Obama Wins

It is Wednesday, November 5. The 2008 Presidential Election is over. America had decided. And with this choice, there is a new America.

What will our country look like?

Let’s take a look at how that this fateful — and historic — Wednesday morning will look to the average taxpaying citizen, ME, depending on the outcome of the election.

Wednesday Morning (if McCain wins)

8:30 AM — I buy a newspaper. “McCain Wins” screams the headline! I enter McDonald’s and order a cup of coffee and an Egg McMuffin, but without the greasy sausage. The salesgirl charges me the full price.

9:40 AM — I shop in CVS Pharmacy for deodorant and new batteries for my camera. The stern Indian salesgirl, dressed frumpishly, asks for my CVS card. I say that I forgot it at home. She says the batteries were on sale, but I’m out of luck without the card.

10:24 AM — I check my email at home. I receive a angry diatribe from a female blogger insisting that I stop sending her photos of my naked body. “You are a sick man and should be imprisoned. One more photo and I am taking you off my blogroll!”

11:01 AM — Producer from LA calls up and says that my script is as “unfunny as a Geico commercial.” Besides, Hollywood is broke, so “don’t waste your time. Stick to blogging.”

11:12 AM — Sophia calls and says her Wii is not working. What should she do?

11:23 — I am depressed and see no future.

Wednesday Morning (if Obama wins)

8:30 AM — I buy a newspaper. “Obama Wins” screams the headline! I enter McDonald’s and order a cup of coffee and an Egg McMuffin, but without the greasy sausage. The salesgirl charges me fifty cents less, saying this it is only fair, since I am not ordering the full sandwich. The new motto of McDonald’s is “Caring for Our Customers.”

9:40 AM — I shop in CVS Pharmacy for deodorant and new batteries for my camera. The sexy Indian salesgirl, showing a lot of cleavage, asks for my CVS card. I say that I forgot it at home. “No problem.” she answers. “I’ll let you use my personal card. We’re all citizens of this great neighborhood!” She also throws a a free box of condoms into my bag, winking at me about the importance of ethnic groups “getting to know each other through interpersonal dialogue.”

10:24 AM — I check my email at home. I receive a lovely poem from a female blogger thanking me for “that great photo.” She has been feeling depressed lately, and my kindness has given her hope.

11:01 AM — Producer from LA calls up and says that my script is as “funny as one of those hilarious Geico commercials.” There is so much money flying around Hollywood, now that the economy has picked up, that there is a bidding war to make this movie.

11:12 AM — Sophia calls and says it isn’t fair that she gets to be the only one using the Wii. It is important to “share the wealth.” She is sending the system to me in New York for a month, so I can get a chance to play Wii Bowling too.

11:23 AM — There is a ring at the doorbell. It is the Indian girl from CVS Pharmacy. She is smiling seductively. “It is a time for unity between diverse people!” she says, as she takes off her top, revealing her ample bosom and her dark coffee skin.

As you know, I don’t like to discuss politics on this blog. I think voting is a personal decision, and I will not even give you a HINT about my choice of candidate. I just want to give you the FACTS. I hope that you analyze them carefully. Do everything you can before you vote to educate yourself — think, discuss, read intelligent blogs like this one — and then weigh the good and bad aspects of the two alternative Wednesdays that I described. And then ask yourself — which America sounds better?

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46 Responses to Wednesday Morning, McCain Wins / Wednesday Morning, Obama Wins

  1. Danny says:

    Brilliant! Except for one thing–I had hoped that in the new hopeful world of President-Elect Obama you would forgo that horrific McDonald’s in Queens and take the subway to Manhattan for a lovely breakfast (complete with free New York Times) at the oh-so-trendy Balthazar in SoHo. Especially now that elitism is IN!

  2. kapgar says:

    So sexy Indian women love Obama? Is that what I’m to take from this? ;-)

  3. A refreshing break from the political posts I’ve been reading lately. Very funny.

    The Indian girl was my favorite part.

  4. If a vote for Obama means more naked pictures of you around the internet, I think I’ll vote for Father Time and the Eskimo woman.

  5. All Adither says:

    Good. The internet needs more pictures of naked people.

  6. Keely says:

    Well, if only for your sake: I hope the second option is your Wednesday morning. ;)

  7. Any scenario that has you and a hot woman testing out the techniques of the new Kama Sutra gets my vote!

  8. kenju says:

    Oh, boy! I do hope that the second scenario is what really happens!! You could certainly use the 50 cent reduction on the cost of the McMuffin, am I right?

  9. Oh, Neil. Neil Neil Neil.

    How about this… if McCain wins, you can start sending me naked photos.

    By the way, I just bought a mini camcorder which I can take with me everywhere. Everywhere. I’m just saying.

    Now who you gonna vote for?

  10. headbang8 says:

    To inject a serious note…

    I am actually rather afraid that people will expect such immediate improvement from an Obama presidency. Even if he performs near-miracles, the situation in America will get worse before it gets better. And it will happen on his watch.

    That can’t be good for his political future, nor the political future of the USA.

  11. Christine says:

    Neil, you forgot one step at McDonald’s and CVS. You will need to show your most recent IRS forms…if you are in the bottom 40% of income earners, you not only get your meal for free but are also sent off with some cash from the till!

    If you are in the 40-95% of income earners, you pay full price but you are also sent off with cashola!

    If you are in the top 5% of wage earners(which is just over 150K, thus the questions as to whether or not Biden misspoke when he said the threshold was 150K), you not only pay full price, you also have to fork over extra dough to make up for what the franchise is losing to the other 95% of it’s customers.

    Other than that, me thinks you are spot on!

  12. Christine says:

    Oh, and I think I need to use more exclaimation marks!

  13. piglet says:

    i’m taking the obama results. i’m fairly certain that i’ll *never* write about politics on my blog or my facebook. my friends and loved ones are taking each other out in the comments.

  14. piglet says:

    technically the egg mcmuffin doesn’t *come* with the greasy sausage it comes with canadian bacon. at least, in my part of the world. bonus: it’s the healthiest choice for breakfast from mcdonalds, so go you!

  15. Maura says:

    If only we had CVS out here, I’d go there on Wednesday just to see if I’d have a day like that, too. Only with the sexy male clerk of indeterminate ethnic heritage behind the counter.

  16. Kathy says:

    I don’t write about politics much either (says the woman drafting a lengthy election day post), though this year I’ve felt sort of driven to. I agree with Headbang8: I think people need to realize that there won’t be immediate change.

    (I loved your “socialism rawks!” post on BlogHer, by the way.)

  17. amy says:

    yahoo for it almost being here! Change is coming! xo

  18. Fancy says:

    If Obama wins, does everyone get laid, or just you?

  19. Memarie Lane says:

    your headlines are overly optimistic. more like: November 5: Hanging Chads, Dangling Todds, Who The Hell Won, Does It Matter, and When Can We Expect To See The Loser In a Basement With A Bevy Of Lawyers, A Bigger Bevy Of Middle-Aged Female Volunteers, An Abacus, And Lots Of Spent Ballots?

  20. Finn says:

    I’m afraid I’ll have to agree with Memarie Lane. I don’t think this will be over on Wednesday. Or ever.

  21. Neil says:

    Fancy — everybody gets laid. Democrats are total sluts. But don’t let that be your deciding factor in who you vote for. There are other issues as well.

  22. churlita says:

    So, I guess I know where I’m going if Obama wins. I’m a heterosexual woman, but I don’t mind flirting with sexy women who want to give me free stuff.

  23. Amy in OHio says:

    I always forget my CVS card too.

  24. The moral of this story is that you are going to be disappointed whoever wins. You’ll be disappointed if McCain wins since you want Obama. You’ll be disappointed if Obama wins and you still get charged full price for your Egg McMuffin and your batteries.

  25. Neil says:

    Peeved — Killjoy. A man can dream!

  26. Neil says:

    And Peeved — and if you read this post again, you will see that I never explicitly say which candidate I am rooting for. You need to read “between the lines.”

  27. vodkamom says:

    So, here’s the thing. Are you Catholic? No? Are you filthy rich? No? Then I think I already KNOW who you are voting for. me, too.

  28. vodkamom says:

    oh, and as you’ve probably guessed. I am a slut. I mean democrat. my bad.

  29. Whit says:

    I was hoping the headline would read McCain and 44% of Americans move to Canada.

  30. TRO says:

    “So, here’s the thing. Are you Catholic? No? Are you filthy rich? No? Then I think I already KNOW who you are voting for. me, too.”

    Ralph Nader?

  31. TRO says:

    Neil,

    The topless Indian gal almost makes me regret my vote. Almost.

    And since I like details in my fantasies is she American Indian or East Indian?

  32. Neil says:

    TRO — No one says Indian anymore. It is Native American. If you were a Democrat, you would know that.

  33. TRO says:

    Neil,

    Really? I guess I will have to call my friend at the Bureau of Indian Affairs and tell him that. We went through the basic law enforcement course at FLETC a number of years ago.

    He’s a Chippewa and prefers American Indian since, according to him, the word “Indian” means beautiful people and how could that be a bad thing.

    I’m surprised you didn’t know that being an elightend Democrat and all, my friend.

    The reason I asked though was because I enjoy Bollywood movies and the East Indian dress.

  34. Neil says:

    TRO — Politics aside, can we both agree on Aishwarya Rai–

  35. TRO says:

    Oh yes, reasonable, fair-minded men can always agree on hot brunettes with big hooters.

  36. sizzle says:

    I hope, for your sake (and hell, all of ours), that Obama wins so you get laid.

    ;-)

  37. gorillabuns says:

    I’ll be so glad when this election is over.

  38. Kristin T. says:

    I loved this post. Thanks for making me laugh. I’ve been a huge downer lately, blogging about things like “new beginnings with old baggage.” It’s good to be a realist–things won’t change overnight, even if Obama wins–but it’s even better to be funny.

  39. Annie says:

    I am with Sizzle on this one :-).

  40. You’re so cryptic, I totally can’t tell who you’re supporting.

    *SNORT*

  41. sassy says:

    Haha, you kill me !

    So Neil, I guess you’re going to be getting readyfora wonderful day !

  42. Lady Fi says:

    So, Neil … get ready for a wonderful day. But don’t be too disappointed if the Indian girl doesn’t come a – knocking at your door.

  43. Di says:

    Oh you clever and funny man. I loved this one.

  44. Pingback: Sunday Linky Love: Election Edition

  45. Just wanted to say that I am eployed at a large biotherapeutic company in Clayton NC and I endroce Barack Obama with all my energy. I would love for all my friends and colleagues to say yes for Obama in 2012!! I LOVE YOU OBAMA

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