I am writing a screenplay with another writer back in Los Angeles. We get along well, but waste a lot of time getting into ridiculous arguments on the phone about the direction of the scenes. The problem is that we have different word views about men, women, and relationships. I am married. He is not. I have interests that could be considered “metrosexual” — like enjoying Broadway musicals. He is more of a guy’s guy who watches sports every night. I find many of his ideas sexist and filled with stereotypes. What bothers me the most, is that I have a nagging feeling that his views better match that of the average American movie-goer, who is usually an idiot.
We are working on a comic scene where our two lead characters go to a bar, try to talk to two hot babes, and then get rejected for some funny reason. He calls me with an idea:
“The two guys are talking to the hot girls, both with great tits, and everything is going well, and then the bartender brings the guys over their drinks — and it is two mojitos — and the girls look at them funny, as if they are gay, and then split.”
“What? I don’t understand.” I ask. “The girls with the tits LEAVE because the guys ordered mojitos?”
“Yeah, they think the drink is gay.”
“That is ridiculous. I like mojitos. I thought they were supposed to be trendy. And no girl is going to leave because a guy ordered a mojito.”
“You haven’t been to the bar where I go.”
“That’s because you go to some stupid redneck bar. Which is a little weird, considering that you are Japanese. But our characters live in Hollywood. They’re cool guys, like the guys in Swingers. They would have no problem ordering mojitos in a hip bar. And no girl would have a problem with a mojito, or think they are gay. I’m not putting that into any script with my name on it.”
“Ok, so let’s make it like they order two of those fruity drinks with the umbrellas?”
“Like Mai Tais?”
“Exactly.”
“I like Mai Tais, too.”
“They’re pretty gay.”
“What is the matter with you? Are you saying that if I go into a bar and order a Mai Tai, everyone around me will think I am as gay as Clay Aiken.”
“Yes.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“What do you know? You never go to bars.”
“Well, make believe it was a Tiki bar, like Trader Vics.”
“Our scene is not in a Tiki Bar.”
“Still bullshit. And I don’t appreciate these lame gay stereotypes.”
“Why, are you gay?”
“No, I’m not gay.”
“So, what do you care?”
“Because it is stupid. You know, the next time I am in a bar, I’m going to order a Mai Tai just to f*ck with your mind.”
“Not with me there.”
“Are you homophobic or something?”
“No, but if I am in a bar wanting to get laid, I’m not going to give off the message “I am gay” to the girls by ordering a mai-tai.”
“So, what are you saying — that if you order a scotch, you’re sending the message, “I have a big dick.”
“Even gay guys will say a mai-tai is gay. Ask one.”
“You want me to ask some gay guy if he thinks a mai tai is gay? That’s insulting. There is no such thing as a “gay” drink. There are gays who like lemonade and gays who like Diet Coke.”
“Ask around. Ask all the women on your blog. I guarantee that they’re all going to say that if they went out on a date with a guy and he ordered a fruity drink with an umbrella — that something is different about this guy.”
“What if I was Hawaiian, a manly Hawaiian, but this drink reminded me of home.”
“Even Hawaiian guys don’t drink those fruity drinks with umbrellas.”
“What if I just came back from Hawaii, where I f*cked seven different girls, and I am drinking this Mai-Tai because it reminds me of how manly I was while I was there, and how I f*cked a different girl every night, and I tell this story to one of the girls, and she gets totally turned on by me drinking a fruity drink with an umbrella, because she knows it means I am a total stud.”
“Sorry. She will still think it is gay.”
“What if after I finish the drink, I take the umbrella and stick it in my arm without showing any pain, to reveal how manly I am.”
“OK, you got me there. Then she would f*ck you.”
“Great. Let’s write that scene.”
Three Years Ago on Citizen of the Month: The Funeral
I think you should just go Kaufman with it, and make this dialogue the scene. Reminds me of Vince Vaughn and Jon Favre in that Vegas movie.
How the hell can a drink be gay? Does it fuck the other gay drinks? I mean, come on.
Oh man, I love Mojitos!
If there were a drink called a Judy Garland or a Liza Minelli, then it might be a gay drink.
Hey man drinks with umbrellas are the drinker’s drink. My husband and I drink mai tai’s and mojito’s all the time. We also drink beer in a bar that has a deer head in it. And let’s not forget “Werewolves of London”, and he was drinking a pina colada at Trader Vics.
Now if they ordered 2 strawberry Daiquiri’s then we’re talking gay.
Hemingway drank mojitos. Don’t think many called him gay. Least not to his drunken face.
i agree. this scene sounds perfect! i’d fit it in somewhere.
LMAO.
Comedies are all about bending stereotypes and assumptions and making them funny. I’m with your partner on this one. I think having the guys order fruity drinks with umbrellas in them and the girls raising eyebrows at each other and walking out would be funny, but probably not as funny as this post.
Mojitos and Mai Tais are not gay. He probably thinks guys shouldn’t go to the movies with each other, either.
Now an appletini, on the other hand . . .
hmm.. I think if I were on a first date, and he ordered a fruity drink… i’d be amused but would be okay. if it had an umbrella… and he didnt make ajoke about it.. then I’d be telling my friends for weeks to come, and not answering his calls. A guy who ordered just whiskey or scotch, I would return his calls either. My experience is they dont turn out like good guys.
Get a different screenwriting partner.
So gay. Or at least bicurious.
Tell him there’s nothing wrong with mojitos or mai tais. The only issue that I might have is the umbrella because I stopped thinking it was cute to put an umbrella on a drink when I was about 12 or so.
I recently had dinner with my brother (who doesn’t happen to be gay) at a nice, hip hotel in Scottsdale, Arizona – The Mondrian. He ordered a mojito and I questioned it. What the hell are you doing? He said, “It’s good, and they’re IN.”
I don’t think mojito’s are gay. But I do think when adults order a Blue Hawaiian with big chunks of fruit hanging on the side, an umbrella, and dry ice – it’s a little – unusual.
The average American movie-goer would get the joke. I’m sure it’s frustrating to write for the lowest common denominator sometimes. That would be me.
Avitable — I never had an appletini before, but I just googled it, and it sounds pretty good. But I will drink it in the privacy of my own home.
You know, when you order the drinks, you never ask, “hey can I have large pieces of fruit”, that’s the crazy bartenders. I always take them out. I heard they were soaked in some terrible chemical.
I think if a dude stuck a mini-drink umbrella into his arm I would definitely not f*ck him.
For this girl, it’s all about the tips. If the guy leaves a bad tip–no sex. Big bucks for an Appletini–in like Flint.
Comedy is 50% situation, 50% events.
The question isn’t whether or not a woman on a date with a man would find his ordering a mojito questionable. It’s what TWO men having mojitos together appears to the average person. In that situation, the men would certainly appear to be gay.
Hahaha. Consider this angle: Guy orders Mai-Tai, then extinguishes cigarette on his tongue. Girl with great tits is confused.
Mojitos are so gay that I’ve never even had one, and I’m a girl. I also would never order a margarita without the salt, I might even be disinclined to ask for it to be “frozen” when in mixed company.
As one of your resident “lesbo” readers… I hate to bust your bubbles!!
ALL and I mean A-L-L of our gay male friends, drink one thing and one thing only….
Bud Light!
I was a bartender for many years in DC and worked at a gay bar, called “The Circle.” We ran out of Bud Light before any other beer or drink in the place.
Love me some stereotypes… Funny blog though!
LOL Fiesty Charlie, I think I have a little bit of a girl crush on you.
As for drinks – I’m more inclined to be impressed with a guy who orders whatever the f*ck he wants, mojito or mai tai or whisky sour or straight scotch, than one who worries about what other people will think of his drinks.
That kind of guy, I know is secure enough in his manhood to not freak out when I take him home and f*ck him.
Forget the whole gay issue. The gag is to — how should I say it? — cliche. Neil, you are the king of unexpected. That’s what you need here.
I think I need to drink more to become a real writer.
I think it would be even funnier if he ordered a Shirley Temple and specified that the bartender stick an umbrella in it.
If the two guys look very metrosexual and order mai tais in a biker bar – then the joke might make sense. Otherwise it’s a stretch.
I’m married to a man that often have takes the meathead perspective of what is gay. But he loves mojitos. I think that it’s less a matter of gayness and more a matter of sophistication and exposure to different cultures.
Mai tais though? They’re an old lady drink.
Neil, I laughed out loud at my desk reading this! I will never look at a mojito again (and I LOVE THEM!)
I’m going to agree with Fiesty Charlie. I went to a gay bar in Chicago with a friend who works for Budweiser to do a promotion…. It was like moths to a flame!
I love mojitos and I’m not gay but I think your partner is right on with the original scene. Having the women leave the table because the guys ordered mojitos is way funnier than if they ordered a more obviously gay drink like a cosmopolitan. Your descriptions of your writing partner have scared me in the past but now I’m convinced that you two make a great team. I think you should trust his instincts about the demographic you are going for which I assume is more Judd Apatow than Diane English.
Danny — I am afraid the demographics may be even lower than that.
DC Chick — I would never have guessed that Bud Lite is the beverage of choice.
Nedra — In all my life, I have never seen or heard anyone ordering a Shirley Temple.
That’s a Kevin Smith dialogue if I ever heard one. I vote THAT be your scene, way funnier than big titty broads with snarky faces.
Mojito = bisexual
Mango mojito = gay
Mai-tai = gay
The reason I know this is that I caught the mango mojito banging the mai-tai while the regular mojito was having a three-way with a daiquiri and a scotch.
I say skip writing the scene and find a way to use THIS dialogue instead.
A mojito or mai tai can only exacerbate the drink orderer’s prevailing image.
If a biker ordered one, it would be comical because of its inherent incongruity.
If you or I ordered one, people would think, “Figures.”
HA! Great post, Neil.
I like how the two options for the woman in this scene are, 1. Walk away in disgust because the guy trying to pick her up is surely gay, or 2. Fuck the guy.
I wouldn’t judge someone’s sexuality based on the mojito, but I would judge them for ordering a drink that’s such a pain in the ass for the bartender to make. I think a savvy knowledge of bar/bartender etiquette is foxy.
Kate – there are other options? Remember, a movie is only about 90 minutes.
I agree that the dialog between you and your co-writer would make a good scene, perhaps after the hot babes have walked away after seeing your gay drinks.
Doug — It is a sad truth that the real dialogue between the movie and TV writers in Hollywood is always way more interesting than the crap they actually write.
ROFL. That is good. The dialogue should definitely be in the movie, all of it.
Kate – there are other options? Remember, a movie is only about 90 minutes.
Well, you could do a fast montage where she carefully gets to know the guy, she writes about him extensively in her journal, talks at length about him with all her trusted girlfriends, goes then on three dates with him before making tender love to him on the beach under the stars.
But if you want your female characters to be stereotypes, then yeah, she shouldn’t fuck a guy who orders a mojito.
Do you even the comments when we get down here?
Well, most movie-goers are stupid. That’s your answer right there… I think you’d do better with something orange or purply and very slushy — and served with plastic animals though…
So you’re asking which drinks are gay?
Let me consult my ex-husband, and I’ll get back to you.
Ditto Kyran. This is the scene. Or at least this is the conversation before the girls-with-racks show up.
The problem isn’t with whether or not the drink order is gay; the problem is that the girls leaving because they think the guys are gay is just too damned predictable. I know you’re writing for a stupid audience, but are you going Larry the Cable Guy stupid?
You want the girls to react somehow RANDOMLY or otherwise unpredictably to shake up that moment. Not “Airplane” randomly, but something a bit out of left field. As out of left field as a couple of dudes sipping on mojitos would be.
And mojitos are not gay, if you are drinking them WITH women. Or even by yourself. But “Hey, bra, let’s go to the bar and drink mojitos” is gay. But as I said, that’s all irrelevant.
Gay.
(Not that there’s anything WRONG with that….)
i would never have thought that what you order for a drink would have a bearing on your sexual orientation.
my kids always ordered shirley temples when we went out to dinner until they were about 10 or so.
i work at a restaurant in miami and i can tell you that at least here, straight guys who order mojitos are quite common. i haven’t had anyone ask me for a mai tai in a while, though.
that dialogue was great. it reminds of a chat i had with a friend a while ago. we were at a steakhouse waiting for a table and i ordered a beer while he ordered a cosmopolitan.
mojitos are okay. hell, even the occasional umbrella drink is okay. but if you’re a guy that orders a bright, pink cosmo and you’re not gay, you should be.
maybe that’s just me.
Two guys drinking mojitos at a bar = gay! Mai Tais are too obviously gay, I think.
I can’t bother to read the other 47 comments ’cause I’m self-important like that, but two things:
1. I once dated someone for nearly five years who everyone was convinced was gay. His desire for foofy beverages was one of the reasons.
2. But mojitos are safe if you’re at a place that specializes in mojitos. Daquiri would be over the top. Or anything that requires a blender.
I just can’t get past the line, “I have a nagging feeling that his views better match that of the average American movie-goer, who is usually an idiot.” Sorry, no help.
this is really funny. i especially love the idea of a person sticking a toothpick in their arm. i’m twisted.