My problem started when I was eleven years old. Our Hebrew school had a decent basketball team and we made it to the New York State Hebrew School championship in Albany. As a fundraising stunt, we were supposed to sell boxes of Peanut Brittle to our neighbors in order to pay for transportation. I hated selling things to other people. I felt like I was imposing on them. Chances are, most of neighbors would have bought a box from me, just because they know my parents, and my mother usually bought Girl Scout cookies from their kids. I just felt guilty asking people to buy things they really didn’t need or want.
Even then, I was a realist.
“Who in the world REALLY wants a box of peanut brittle?!” I asked myself. “That stuff is nasty and can crack your tooth!”
I sold two boxes. One to my mother and one to my grandmother.
Fast forward to today. I’m pretty much the same. There is no way you could get me to walk around my apartment building and ask neighbors to shell over their hard-earned money for some peanut brittle.
Rule #1 in therapy. A person will never overcome his fear until he fights it.
This is where YOU come in.
I would like you to buy some boxes of peanut brittle.
There is no cost per box because you will never actually get any of this peanut brittle. It is all theoretical, the aim being that I overcome my fear by asking you to buy it from me.
Please buy as many boxes as you want. Buy some for yourself. Buy for you co-workers. They also make excellent birthday and wedding gifts for family members.
I am pretty confident that most of you will buy a few boxes of peanut brittle from me. You seem to be a caring bunch and you realize that this will be a tremendous boost to my self-esteem. After all, I am in this limbo-land with Sophia and living here with my mother. I’m not feeling very manly and I really need a BIG BOOST!
Recently, Firefox promoted it’s new Firefox 3 browser by announcing a “Download Day.” They attempted to create a Guinness Book of World Record for the “most downloaded software” in one day. I’m not sure they achieved their ultimate goal, but they had 8 million downloads in 24 hours.
Imagine how cool it would be to brag to the women at BlogHer that I am a Guinness Book of World Record Holder! Talk about a line that will definitely get me laid!
So here’s the deal. I’m going to show you how much my cojones have grown since I have come to New York. I don’t want you to simply buy a few imaginary boxes of peanut brittle from me. I want you to buy SO MANY BOXES OF IMAGINARY PEANUT BRITTLE that I will become the undeniable GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORD HOLDER of selling imaginary peanut brittle in a single 24-hour day!
How many boxes of peanut brittle would you like?
No credit cards accepted for purchases under ten boxes.
I’ll take eleventeen billion and six cases. And then you can double that when the holidays roll around.
Neil, judging from guinnessworldrecords.com, there are NO records involving peanut brittle. So you broke the record with your first box. Congrats!
You don’t need a f*cking boost by making a whiny attempt to get me to by some sugar-laden peanutty goodness.
You just need to work your way out of this through the writing you went out there to complete. You’re not wimpy or unmanly because of your limboland with Sophia. No, you’re whimpy because that manuscript you dragged out there is beating your ass and you’re too timid to do anything about it.
So there.
Now GIT!
Hey, Neil, since it is all make believe,
.
why not give me a zillion cases, there, that should put you over the top
We did it!
I’m going out tonight, getting wasted at some sleazy bar, and getting laid!
Oops… wait… isn’t Do You Think You Can Dance on tonight?
i would like to build a peanut brittle house. kind of like the hansel and gretel house only different. eventually, i would like to become just like the wicked woman in the woods. i have no interest in feeding or eating small children however, so “just like” may be stretching it a bit. i just want to be a wicked woman living in the woods in a candy house.
all of this to say, if you can estimate the amount of peanut brittle required for … oh, let’s say a 1200 square foot cottage, i’ll buy them from you.
Ingrid — that sounds very innovative, although city ordinances usually dictate that you use gingerbread for the housing. But as long as you sign the documents releasing me from any liability for acts of God, kids eating your home, or wolves blowing down the home, I will send you the necessary peanut brittle.
damn it. now i want peanut brittle.
Whew! I was afraid I’d have to commit to a couple of boxes. Isn’t peanut brittle the fruit cake of the candy store world?
Our Hebrew school had a decent basketball team and we made it to the New York State Hebrew School championship in Albany. As a fundraising stunt, we were supposed to sell boxes of Peanut Brittle
You don’t know how lucky you are, boy. Last time I bought peanut brittle to support a Hebrew School basketball team, it failed to make it to the “sweet sixteen” round of the Idaho State Hebrew School Championship in Boise.
Neil. Dude. Being the World Record Holder in virtual boxes of peanut brittle sold, while creative…isn’t gonna get the chicks. Makes a funny story, though
Oh, and the thing in the picture was a cucumber…but in my defense, the other vegetables I bought at the same time were fine. The cucumber was a Mutant, or something.
T.
Oh, and I will take 16 boxes…
T.
Not sure what I’m more impressed with… but I am pretty sure it’s the fact that we were on the basketball team.
And yes, I’ll buy at least 2 boxes. Might come back for more if it’s a hit.
WHEW! Glad you set that record without my help Neil because my kids are selling the same damned virtual brittle for their Calculus Club virtual field trip and I’ve already committed to buying $200million worth from them.
I’m not a fan of peanut brittle, but for you I’ll take 11…this way I get to use my credit card.
Well, I’m glad you’ve achieved your goal, because otherwise you’d have put me in a quandary here…
You see, my daughter has a peanut allergy, so we’re a peanut-free household.
However, I was going to buy a couple of boxes for my husband to take to work as a gesture of gratitude for all the crap they’ve bought for my son’s fundraisers.
But, I don’t have any cash, just a credit card. And since I only want two, and your policy requires eleven…well, we might have been facing a stand-off.
i have that same fear, i loathe selling stuff, even if i believe in the product 1000%.
not only am i going to buy a million boxes, but i’m going to ship them to our troops in iraq to use as extra weaponry.
Im eating peanuts right now. And Im sad they dont include brittle. How much is your imaginary overseas shipping charge? I’ll buy 3!
couldn’t you sell, um, girl scout cookies or something??! i’d buy 50 boxes.
Damn…I’m too late aren’t I? I can’t eat Peanut Brittle..it will fuck up my teeth..but because you are so hawt I’ll by 5 boxes. (wrap them and use them as Christmas gifts..can’t start shopping to early)
Actually, I was hoping you could take a few boxes I already have. Don’t much care for peanut brittle – real or virtual.
OK, Doug… I’m putting you down to buy 23 boxes. thanks!
Damn, can’t believe I missed the ‘day’ – now it’s peanut brittle after the fact – but I would have taken a coupla hundred at least because with the Dollar to Pound exchange rate it would work out totally in my favour!