Today I Am a Woman


My name is Neilochka.  I am a mother of two living in Los Angeles, who doesn’t really feel like she belongs.  I am insecure being around some of my more successful friends and wish that my husband was more attentive to me.  I like to bake scones, play board games, and kiss by the fire.  I miss my parents back home.  I am size 12 and trying to lose some weight.  I am from Wappinger Falls, NY, a small town upstate New York.  I graduated from SUNY Albany with a degree in Psychology.  I was working in marketing when I met Josh.

I had plans to go see “Sex and the City” with Megan and her friends tonight, but I wasn’t in a Carrie and Miranda mood.  Do I really want to sit through two hours of self-absorbed women negotiating relationships, looking absolutely terrific, AND living in NEW YORK?  As a former hipster gal myself (I lived in New York for six months after college before I moved back home), now mother of two — who now finds herself shopping at Costco! (can you believe it?), I have nothing in common with the Sex and the City gals anymore.  My life has not been “Sex and the City” for a long, long time.  Will someone please buy my book, “Diapers and the Poop?!”  Seriously,  I wouldn’t even have the time to write it with Kyle jumping on the couch every minute, making believe he is Iron Man (although he calls himself “Iron Chef” — hee hee).

Megan and her friends are nice,  and the screening was at the movie studio, but I didn’t feel like fighting the traffic.  I’m also a little insecure around Megan’s friends.    Last week, Erin had a birthday party for her seven year old at — get this — the Pantages Club in Burbank!  A nightclub for a child’s party!  I remember my seventh birthday party — at the Wappinger Falls bowling alley.   We had a Carvel “whale of a time” birthday cake.  Remember, this is LA.  Even Chuck E. Cheese has valet parking.  Now I’m worried about where we should have Kyle’s birthday party.  Josh suggested we rent out the Griffith Observatory.

Sometimes, I wish we had never moved to LA.  Josh says I’m just being silly… or depressed.  He means well.  I mean, I know there are a lot of cool Moms who live in town, who are able to juggle being a Mom and still being hip and trendy, like Rebecca from Girl’s Gone Child and Stephanie from Baby on Bored, but they are superstars compared to me.  I’m just a small town girl at heart. 

I’m thinking of going to synagogue on Saturday for the first time in twenty years.  Josh says he won’t go with me.  He doesn’t believe in any of that.  But I spoke to my sister, and we agree on one thing — I hit the lottery with Josh.  He is a darling.  Today, he sent me flowers from the office.  I think he’s a keeper.  Or he wants sex.  Bad.  Ha Ha.

I know work is everything to Josh, but with the internet, he should be able to write his animated cartoons anywhere he wants, even from upstate New York, near my parents.  I could even go back working with the marketing firm.  I need to look for freelance work.

Well, listen to me.  Blah blah blah.  I know… always complaining when I should be telling you how lucky I am.  I am lucky, knock on wood.  I even lost those extra three pounds this month.  I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and said to myself, “Not bad!”  I hope I win that wii fit on Redhead Momma’s blog.  I have a long way to go before I reach my ideal weight goal.  Soon is high school reunion time… and BlogHer.  Does anyone need a roommate on Saturday night?!

Are you guys going to watch “Lost” tonight?  I know I am.   Sarah B. was so funny on Twitter today. 

“If Sawyer takes his shirt off once more, I’m leaving my husband and marrying him.”

Sorry, Sarah.  He’s already taken.  By ME!

Toots, y’all.  xxxooo — Neilochka

(This is a project of “Write Like the Opposite Sex Day.”  Please comment on this post as if you were of the opposite sex)

Others changing their gender for one day:

Memarie Lane is a man.

Finn is a man.

Anymommy is a man.

Melanie is a man.

Christine is a man.

And check out the amazing haikus written for Haiku Friday  (also here) by women… writing the haikus as if they were men.

This entry was posted in Literary, Men and Women and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

53 Responses to Today I Am a Woman

  1. Noel says:

    can’t comment til my nails are dry

  2. TimeCzar says:

    Hmm…I think the girls from Sex and the City are “scenesters,” but not cool enough to be a hipster like you, Miss Neil.

  3. Caitlinator says:

    Hey, I also grew up in Wappingers Falls! Small world.

  4. Memarie Lane says:

    I have to say Neil, your normal blogs sound more like an actual woman than this did. A woman would never use the word “gal.” And she wouldn’t say “I’m a little insecure,” she’d say “Megan’s friends make me feel like Ado Annie.”

    Also you seem to have taken your usual sense for structure and flow down a notch for this. It’s very stilted.

    Gotta go drain the lizard.

  5. Winter says:

    *adjusts crotch* Damn bitch! Why do you have to write about ‘emotions’ all the time? Why can’t you just talk about how you porked your old man last night? Details, baby. Details.

    Later.

  6. Finn says:

    You’re a size 12? That’s hot. Skinny women don’t turn me on at all.

    P.S. – I did this too.

  7. Gotta agree with Memarie here, on both counts. Female Neil (FeNeil?) Isn’t sympathetic/empathic as Real Neil. (Also, no one ever refers to themselves as a “hipster” as everyone hates hipsters and avows that they are absolutely NOT a hipster.)

    Go Mets!

  8. anymommy says:

    Neil, dude, women aren’t all this shallow and self-obsessed. I see past all of this, to the soul inside.

    (I would berate you about stereotypes, except that I did a post too and it’s completely stereotypical and it was fun!)

  9. Marney says:

    Neilochka, send me a picture of your bra.

  10. cruisin-dad says:

    I consulted my penis…he says this post is bullshit.

  11. Avitable says:

    Email me, girl. I’ve got some good tips on an easier way to lose weight – worked for me!

  12. Neil says:

    Slackmistress — You probably think you are clever with your snide criticism of my writing, but I known that you are just jealous, and you always have been. I know I’m beauty and popular, but why all this hate! Do I call you “flat-pancake chest” and “frizzy-hair?” Do I mention how your own husband looks me up and down like a hungry wolf, whenever the three of us are together. I think you could spend more of your quality time learning how to pleasure your man rather than “attempting” to tell me how to write.

    I’ll also tell you this — all the girls at Stitch and Bitch think your knitting is awful! Word to bitch!

    Memarie Lane — I would call you a whore, but you already know that.

    (for some reason, I’m not very likeable as a woman, am I?)

  13. Sara says:

    Your obviously a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.

  14. mp says:

    Megan’s friends are a bunch of cunts, get new friends.

  15. Neil says:

    Wow, you should see the private emails I got about this post. Apparently, I don’t know shit about being a woman. Seriously, thanks a lot…

    1) The language is wrong.
    2) I’m revealing stuff a woman would never say on their blog.
    3) I sound like a high school student.

  16. Dude! You’re crackin’ my shit up… even if you got it all wrong, bro! ;-)

  17. Noelle says:

    No, I would rather be friends with Neil the man than Neil the girl. Which is too bad, because Neil the girl lives so close to me! I just can’t stand the way she’s so willing to mention her insecurities but is willing to drive over an hour to Costco instead of shopping at BJ’s, the only warehouse store in the Hudson Valley.

  18. Memarie Lane says:

    I agree with #1, but not #2, women talk about EVERYTHING on their blogs. Not me, but you know, other women. Whose blogs I read. Number 3 I sort of agree with, but I am a Native Californian and am aware that most Californians do talk like high school students.

  19. Annie says:

    Hey, babe you sound hot, but a little bored. How about coming out with me?
    Forget about Josh, you can do better-me.

  20. Danny says:

    Fascinating! But I agree that female Neil is a shallow bore whose blog I would NEVER read while male Neil is incapable of writing a boring post. And that’s no slight against women–only Neil’s version of himself as a woman! On the other hand, Neil, maybe you should go deeper with this character. There’s something about her desire to return to the synagogue after twenty years that seems very intriguing. Maybe her shallowness is just a thin mask obscuring her true complexities.

  21. Jonathon says:

    Don’t take the negative comments to heart, FeNeil. I think it’s really great that you’re able to admit your insecurities — it shows how strong you really are.

    Yeah, you guessed it — I’m a Miranda. ;)

  22. Dear Neilochka,

    When I read your post I couldn’t help but agonize for you. I think you’re trying too hard, and you’ll never have the “perfect body” (because no one ever does) so you need to stop stressing about it. Your kids are adorable, and they love you and that’s all that matters. And your man? Mmmmmmm. Hunky. Who cares if he doesn’t look like a high school boy anymore?

    Also, I think anyone who says that you don’t know what it’s like to be a woman needs to step off your boobs.

  23. ali says:

    a woman who reveals her clothing size? you are my hero. ahahah :)

  24. Neil says:

    This email is from the wonderful Mattie at http://fatty-fatty2by4.com/. She said I could put her comment up here. I really appreciate her thoughtful comments.

    I’m thinking that my view of women says more about ME than anything about women.

    Neil:

    I don’t write like a man because I am a woman. And I wanted to comment on your blog but don’t know how in a man’s tone.

    This is just a little constructive criticism because, well, you asked for it. Here goes:

    Are you living in the year 1951? Women IRL today women would not utter the words “silly” “hipster gal” “inattentive” or “darling.” The language is in the wrong generation.

    Also, no self-respecting woman would ever, EVER confess her dress size in the “About me” section. Additionally, no woman IRL would blurt out to the anonymous world that the hubby is inattentive. That’s an open wound not typically shared right off the bat.

    As a female, you write as though you are in high school. Everything is all giggly and cute when clearly there are some deep and disturbing issues going on. This demonstrates that you are all surface oriented. That you don’t connect with people on a deeper level because you are incapable of seeing past yourself.

    As a female you write as though you are insecure, weak, and unable to do anything without the explicit approval of the husband and/or friends.

    And as a female you are dismissive of yourself. Not only does the husband treat you like an airhead child of no importance but you believe this to be true of yourself as well.

    Just a few thoughts.

    Don’t hate me. Oh, go ahead, hate me. But remember, you’ve been talking about having writer’s block as a female. Now maybe you can understand why.

    Writing or communicating as a woman you tend think of women in a very stereotypical fashion. Not only that but it’s quite obvious even when you write as yourself. (I’m not trying to be mean Neilchoka sweetie, I swear.) But I think you might even agree with me.

    Well, that’s it for now. It’s 5:14 am and the coffee is waiting for me to pour that first cup!

    Mattie

  25. John says:

    The season finale of LOST was A-W-E-S-O-M-E. I love how they’re slowly, cleverly connecting the dots. : )

  26. Neil says:

    I’m also thinking that the “woman” that I am writing about is the insecure, self-deceiving, dependent MAN that comes out when I’m in sitting in therapy.

    As Mattie noted:

    As a female you write as though you are insecure, weak, and unable to do anything without the explicit approval of the husband and/or friends.

  27. melanie says:

    Ok babe. I gave it a shot. But its more like a scene than me as that person.

    how did I do?

  28. Annie says:

    Neil, I am commenting as a woman this post as I already did my male comment. I have noticed many people are commenting as their gender and not sticking to the rules of this game. Also
    they are so quick to put you down. I do agree you may be a bit boring as a woman, one thing they have wrong is: as a woman I have and do post my actual dress size. And I know plenty of other woman who do it too. So there. However, I must say the whole “Sex and the City” thing is lost on me. I never watched it and still don’t and while I love shoes I only have about 7 pair…

  29. Neil says:

    Annie — I appreciate what people say. I also know that a lot of what they are saying is plain envy that I am a sexier woman than they will ever be.

    As for the women writing as men — c’mon, seriously? Do you really view men as walking around thinking about sex ALL THE TIME?

    Holy shit. I’m in Starbucks. You should see the ass on this hot Korean woman.

  30. cruisin-mom says:

    quite frankly Neil, I’m hurt and offended. I cleverly pulled out the “talking penis” card, thinking I would so impress you and you didn’t even seem to care. I feel uncared for and unattended to. I’m off to eat a gallon of ice cream.

  31. psychomom says:

    Nice tits! Wanna F*ck?

  32. *This comment is intentionally left blank because I didn’t hear what you said.*

  33. Amy in Ohio says:

    You whiny bitch, I wrote you a haiku, now STFU.

    So damn funny yeah
    scratch, scratch, itch, oh how I itch
    now where is my beer

  34. Jennifer says:

    Just wanted to let you know, Neil, that MANY of us participated in this by writing our Friday haikus in the voice of the opposite sex!

    You can check out the links at http://playgroupsarenoplaceforchildren.com OR http://amommystory.blogspot.com

  35. HeyJoe says:

    What mattie said.

    And I found it kind of creepy.

  36. Mattie says:

    Creepy? Ouch.

    Bite me! (jk)

  37. Mattie says:

    Obviously I’m not computer smart yet.

    People smart … maybe.

  38. Mattie says:

    I wub u Neilochka.

  39. HeyJoe says:

    Meaning I agreed with what you said, and I found Neil’s “woman” post kind of creepy.

    Got it? But I’ll still take you up on that bite invite.

  40. Annie says:

    Neil, :-). I love you as a man or woman, thanks for bringing up this issue, it’s fun.

  41. melanie says:

    btw, you write better woman than I do.. i am ashamed of my representation skills as a woman..

    beacon… of… shame…

    good stuff neil.

  42. Neil says:

    I met her in a club down in old Soho
    Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola [LP version: Coca-Cola]
    See-oh-el-aye cola
    She walked up to me and she asked me to dance
    I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said Lola
    El-oh-el-aye Lola la-la-la-la Lola

    Well I’m not the world’s most physical guy
    But when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine
    Oh my Lola la-la-la-la Lola
    Well I’m not dumb but I can’t understand
    Why she walked like a woman and talked like a man
    Oh my Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola

    Well we drank champagne and danced all night
    Under electric candlelight
    She picked me up and sat me on her knee
    And said dear boy won’t you come home with me
    Well I’m not the world’s most passionate guy
    But when I looked in her eyes well I almost fell for my Lola
    La-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
    Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
    I pushed her away
    I walked to the door
    I fell to the floor
    I got down on my knees
    Then I looked at her and she at me

    Well that’s the way that I want it to stay
    And I always want it to be that way for my Lola
    La-la-la-la Lola
    Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
    It’s a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola
    La-la-la-la Lola

    Well I left home just a week before
    And I’d never ever kissed a woman before
    But Lola smiled and took me by the hand
    And said dear boy I’m gonna make you a man

    Well I’m not the world’s most masculine man
    But I know what I am and I’m glad I’m a man
    And so is Lola
    La-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
    Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola

  43. 180/360 says:

    Another fucking mommyblogger- just what the world needs. Given the chance, I bet I could bring out that old Neilochka; the one that would get drunk, dance like a stripper and give the greatest blowjob known to mankind.

  44. Neil says:

    180/360 — It is sort of odd that when I became a woman, I decided to become an insecure mother rather than a sexy outgoing model, or something more glamorous. I wonder why…

  45. miguel(ina) says:

    What are you complaining about? You get to live the life while your husband’s out working all day. Time to quit yer whining and put on your big girl panties, sweetheart.

    (And, uh, send me a picture when you do.)

  46. Christine says:

    Dude, I need your advice. I think my girlfriend is pissed at me.

  47. Dagny says:

    Sure you’re a size 12. Please, you know that you’re really a 20. Lying ass bitch!

    (This is based upon some of the CL ad answers I received back in the days when I first started blogging. Because the first blog for which I wrote discussed CL ads. And after some time we thought that it would be kind of fun to post our own ads just to see the answers that we would get.)

    And even I, who wears an “acceptable” size, have not chosen to include it in my profile. That just seems too desperate. And as a “Samantha,” I’m far from desperate.

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